by Ann Collins
Kayla wished she could simply wave a wand and he would be gone, vanished into thin air. She wished he’d abandoned her mother before Kayla had been born. It would have been hard, yes, but it surely would have been better. If there was anything she had learned during these last several years, it was that being alone was much, much better than making a mistake.
So that’s where she was now, trying hard not to make the same mistakes her mother had made. The truth was that she was afraid of falling in love with Dyson, scared of putting all of her hopes and dreams into the possibilities with him, and terrified of letting herself be swept away by the intensity of her feelings for him. Things had been moving so fast that if she was making a mistake, she was too caught up in the haze of infatuation to see it. She had to slow down, had to pull back and make sure she wasn’t doing the wrong thing. The problem was that she might never know. How long would it take before a woman knew that she was making the right choice and not a mistake? How long did it take for her mother to realize she had made the wrong choice? Would Kayla fall into the same trap? She was her mother’s daughter, after all, and so much like her in so many ways.
Those were some of the questions she needed to ask her father. The more she thought about it, she knew that she would never get answers about the drinking and the abuse or even about that terrible night. But were those the answers she really needed? She thought perhaps she needed a few deeper answers, like what had brought her mother and her father together, what had made her stay, and why he had felt like it was okay to act the way he did. She needed to know how it had started and why it had continued. She needed to know that she could break the cycle.
And Dyson – well, he wasn’t like her father, but he wasn’t a saint, was he? She believed that Dyson had been honest with her, and that scored him more than a few brownie points. But in being honest he had confirmed what she had suspected: that he was a man capable of great violence and righteous anger. Granted, what he had done in Iraq was completely justified. But what he did in the ring on the weekends – what did that mean? Was that his way of getting out the anger that coursed through him? What if he didn’t have that outlet? What was it about beating other people up that drew him? What was it that made him put himself through punishment in order to get a little prize money and a little notoriety?
Kayla had to admit that seeing him fight made her cringe, because it reminded her of her father. And now she knew that it wasn’t just a hobby, but something that he wanted to do for the rest of his life. It was something that was an integral part of him, and if she were entirely honest with herself, she wasn’t sure that she could ever be truly comfortable with a man who wanted to do those things.
She was thinking about that as she made the walk to the animal shelter on Saturday. She took the long way around, to get some fresh air and get some time to think. She also wanted to avoid running into anyone she knew in the usual places, because frankly, Kayla knew she looked like shit. She had been crying so much that it seemed to be her new normal, and it had taken a toll. Her eyes were bloodshot, her skin was breaking out, her mouth was constantly swollen and her nose was red and sore. Kayla knew she looked like hell, and she didn’t want to have to answer any questions.
But the animals – they would ask no questions. They would just be happy to see her, and they would demand nothing more than good cuddles and fresh food and a clean place to sleep. All of those things she could willingly and easily provide, and that’s all she wanted right now: Some part of the world that required only love and not a bit of thought.
The back door was already unlocked, so she let herself in. Mr. Marbles was waiting for her at the door, his tail wagging so hard that it made the rest of his body sway back and forth. Leon was sitting on top of the cages, staring down at her with his cool eyes. She saw both of them and her heart swelled with the first burst of happiness she had felt in days.
Kayla dropped to her knees and wrapped her arms around Mr. Marbles. That sent the dog into spasms of joy that turned into little barks and wags so hard that it was tough for him to stay upright on all four legs. When he started licking her face, she laughed. The sound was foreign to her, as though she hadn’t laughed in weeks and weeks.
Leon stood up and stretched, arching his back, and gracefully leapt down from the top of the cages. He sauntered over to her, giving Mr. Marbles a look of cool contempt, and graciously permitted Kayla to pet him, accepting her attention as his due.
Kayla took a deep breath and exhaled slowly as she realized that she felt better than she had in a long time. Things seemed okay for the first time in days, and she realized that somehow she would find a way to deal with the mess that her life had become. For the moment, though, she decided to simply enjoy her refuge at the shelter and to lose herself in caring for the animals who’d known abuse and neglect. Those were problems she could fix.
She hugged Mr. Marbles again before she stood up. “You two are my saving grace, you know that?”
Kayla walked down the center aisles of the shelter, stopping to say hello to every one of the animals. She noted that two of her favorite tabby cats were gone, and that made her smile. She had known they would be adopted soon, and though she wished she could have scratched their ears one more time, she knew that they were in a forever home where they would get all the love they had ever wanted.
She then came to the front of the shelter, where the new arrivals were housed. A little momma cat had two kittens in her cage with her. Her hair was scraggly and her eyes were wide with fear, but her babies were fluffy and clean, with plump bellies that said they were well fed and healthy. Kayla stood at the cage and cooed to the momma, trying to calm her down.
But before she knew it she was crying again.
She stood there and hooked her fingers through the cage door, looking at the momma cat as tears ran down her face. “You’re such a good momma,” she whispered. “You’re taking such good care of your babies. You’re teaching them all the right things. I’m so glad we’re here to take care of you so you can take care of them.”
She looked at the cat for a long time, thinking about her own mother. She stood there until Mr. Marbles jumped up on her again, trying to get her attention. She scratched his ears, then jumped when she heard a deep voice: “Are you okay?”
Dyson was standing in the doorway.
The sight of him completely threw her. Kayla felt relieved, happy, puzzled…awash in conflicting emotions. She started to laugh, but since she’d been crying, it came out sounding like a sob. She put her hands over her mouth and looked at him through eyes that were streaming with tears. The mere sight of him at such a vulnerable moment made her weak all over.
“Are you okay?” he asked again, his voice much softer this time.
Leon was walking between the both of them, meowing for attention. Dyson knelt and picked the cat up in one smooth motion. Leon immediately curled his front paws against Dyson’s shoulder and looked over at Kayla, then sniffed Dyson’s neck. The cat was completely at home in Dyson’s arms, a fact that still amazed Kayla.
“I’m not sure,” she lied, and then she shook her head. “No.”
Dyson nodded but didn’t say anything. With his free hand, he rubbed Mr. Marbles’ ears and watched Kayla with those understanding eyes. She turned back to the Momma cat, who was now looking at little less wary.
“I’m a mess,” she said, and tried out a laugh as she wiped her eyes.
“It’s understandable,” he said quietly.
“It’s…well. I’m glad you came to take care of the animals,” she said.
“I wish I could take care of you, too.”
Kayla heard the longing in his voice and turned away. She couldn’t begin to explain to him what had gone through her head over the last several days, and she was damn sure that if she did try to explain, he would just try to talk her out of breaking things off with him. So she simply turned to her work, walking back to the rear of the building to get the bags of litter. She started with the
first cage and worked in silence, sparing her words only for the animals that rubbed against her hands and tried to get as much affection as they could.
But out of the corner of her eye, she was always watching Dyson. He had taken over the feeding. He was dipping into the buckets that they put the food in to keep it safe from the rodents, and each new cage he opened had an occupant who greeted him with a happy wag or a friendly meow. She pretended she wasn’t watching, but when he got to the Momma cat, her curiosity got the better of her.
She watched as Dyson bent to the cage and gave the cat a smile. Then he began to talk. His voice was low and calm, almost hypnotic. He didn’t touch the cage, but just talked. Kayla strained to hear what was said, but his voice was almost a whisper, so it was impossible.
But she did notice when he finally reached for the latch on the cage. She turned and watched, no longer trying to hide what she was doing. Dyson reached in and put his hand right in front of the cat, letting her sniff him and get used to the idea. Then he petted her babies, gently, with one finger. When he was done with that, he petted Momma’s chin, then gently worked his way up to the top of her head. Before long she was purring and looking at him with adoring eyes.
Kayla turned away, closing her own eyes against the fresh sting of tears. Even the toughest cases turned to Dyson like he was a savior of some kind. They all trusted him, even though they had no way of knowing whether he would continue to be kind. He might turn on them later – how would they know? But it didn’t matter, because they simply believed in the goodness of people, and they believed that if he were kind to them now, he would always be that way.
She filled litter pans and pet cats and scratched dogs and wondered about the man who was working on the other side of the aisle. Why was she making it so hard on him? Why was she having such trouble with trusting him? After all, those little animals had been through worse than she had, and they were now opening up to let someone take care of them. They were willing to let him in. Why wasn’t she?
Kayla studied the Momma cat as she stopped by her cage. Maybe it was because Kayla was thinking too much, and those sweet animals were driven only by their instincts and emotions. Their instincts said that Dyson was a safe bet, and so they were willing to let him in, regardless of what others had done to them.
What if she just went on instinct, like the animals did, and let her heart lead the way?
Kayla remembered something that her mother had said to her when she started middle school and was having trouble with making friends. Kayla had been so shy that she simply waited for someone else to make the first move. Kayla had told her mother that she felt it was hopeless, that none of the girls in school would want to be her friend because she was too afraid to speak up in class, and she was quiet and kept to herself in the cafeteria at lunch.
“But being afraid doesn’t have to stop you,” her mother said. “You can still be courageous!”
“Courageous?” Kayla had snorted. “The last thing I have is courage.”
Her mother had learned forward and put her hands on Kayla’s face. “Darling, courage is being scared, but doing it anyway.”
Kayla stood rooted to the spot, staring at the Momma cat but remembering the words from over a decade before. She closed her eyes against the fresh onslaught of tears, but this time she realized that they weren’t so much tears of pain as they were tears of relief.
Courage is being scared, but doing it anyway.
She turned to look at the man across the aisle. Dyson was focused on a little puppy who had a problem with his eyes. He gently ran his scarred hands over the little dog’s head. The puppy lifted his nose to Dyson and though he couldn’t see him very well, he wagged his tiny tail and nestled his chin in Dyson’s hand. He was simply trusting.
“Dyson,” Kayla whispered…but he heard her, and turned around.
Her heart started pounding. She had been so harsh with him and had said things that were designed to hurt. She had told him that her mind was made up. She had left him with no hope, and probably left him thinking that she might be a little crazy. But even with all those things stacked against her, she knew that she had to do this, or she would always wonder. She would always regret what might have been.
“I’m sorry,” she said, and her lips trembled. She pressed her fingertips to her mouth and took a deep breath. “I’m sorry for the things I said. I’m sorry for the decision I made.”
Dyson looked at her for a long moment and then simply nodded. “I’m sorry, too.”
Kayla swallowed hard. “I think…I think I made a mistake, Dyson.”
She watched the shock settle across his face. But even though he looked at her with hope in his eyes, his voice was calm and distant. “Made a mistake about what?”
“About us…”
Dyson took a deep breath. She couldn’t read him at all, and had no idea what was going through his mind. But that hope in his eyes made her think that maybe he didn’t hate her, and that maybe she could be forgiven for making a mistake of such magnitude.
“I…I don’t know how to say all this,” she whispered. “I just know that I’m confused and lost, and I’m scared. Most of all, scared. I am so afraid that I will make the same mistakes my mother made, and I will fall in love with a man who isn’t right for me, and I will wind up staying because I have a kid or because I’m too invested in him to see my way out, and then I will…well, I will wind up throwing my life away.”
Dyson was shaking his head. “You’re too smart for that.”
“But my mother…” She paused, reaching for the right words. “My mother was smarter than that too, until she wasn’t. That’s the thing about falling in love. It takes away your common sense.”
“You make it sound like a terrible thing.”
Kayla threw up her hands. “It isn’t, but it is…it was for my mother. But my mother didn’t have the fairy tale, and it’s not likely that I will either. My only example of a relationship is one that was so dysfunctional that one person went to jail and the other person was buried. That’s not enough for me to go on. Shouldn’t…well, shouldn’t someone be taught how to love? How to be in a relationship with someone? How to make it work?”
Dyson looked at her for a long moment. “Maybe this is why they call it a leap of faith, Kayla. You just have to have faith that you will make the right choices and do the right things. Maybe you’re wrong and you make a mistake, but maybe you’re right and it’s happily ever after.” He shrugged. “Nobody knows until they are in the thick of it. But if you don’t take the leap, you’ll never know at all.”
“Dyson…” She looked over at the Momma cat, who was eyeing her with curiosity. She looked at Leon, who was curling himself around Dyson’s ankles, and Mr. Marbles, who was sitting between the two of them, listening intently. Then she looked back at him, and knew that what she said next might change the course of her entire life.
“Can we try again?” she asked, and the smile that broke across his face warmed her heart and made her consider the possibility that maybe somehow everything would work out for the best.
“Of course we can try again,” he said.
Kayla flew into his arms. She was scared half to death, but if a leap of faith was what she had to do, then she would take a swan dive from the highest peak she could find – if only it meant that she could have the kind of happiness her mother had been denied. She would close her eyes and take that leap, hoping that she would make the right choices, trusting that she would know if she was on the wrong path. It was terrifying and it was exhilarating and it was like walking through the dark with no lights…but at least Dyson would be beside her, holding her hand while she forged ahead.
Dyson folded her into his arms. She felt his shoulders shake as he held her. He might have been crying, but she was too busy holding on tight to pull back and look at him to find out for sure.
“You’re so brave,” he whispered into her hair.
Kayla curled her fingers into his shirt and hel
d him close while Leon purred and Mr. Marbles wagged his happy tail.
Chapter Fifteen
“Jesus,” Chester whispered. “Have you seen that crowd out there?”
Dyson put his hands against the locker and leaned into it. He pressed his forehead against the cool metal and closed his eyes. He actually felt as though he might be sick, which was an entirely new thing for him, but hey – this was an entirely new situation, wasn’t it? He’d never fought in front of so many people and for stakes so high before.
“I’ve seen it,” he said.
“This place holds ten thousand people! There must be fifteen thousand out there. I wonder how many can fit into this place before the fire marshal shuts us down?”
Dyson took deep breaths. Chester’s excitement had turned him into a chatterbox, and Dyson would normally be more than happy to rib his friend over that, but tonight he was too nervous to play around. Dyson was the underdog by a long shot, the kind of underdog that even Vegas odds wouldn’t touch, and he knew it. He knew that winning this fight was against the odds, and he was willing to bet that his opponent was cool as a cucumber right now, sipping a protein shake and laughing with his coach.
If Dyson could have scraped up any money, he’d have bet that his opponent didn’t feel like he was going to throw up. Dyson took another deep breath and tried to calm his nerves.
But…ten thousand people?
Dyson knew that this was a game changer. Either it would be over and he would be lying on the mat, facing the equivalent of a walk of shame back to his home gym, or he would be the victor, suddenly a contender in the world of MMA. If it was the former, he would probably spend the rest of his life sparring with students who would later go on to be hot shots in the MMA world. If it was the latter, life would change literally overnight.
