by Jahquel J
My plan was to never have a relationship with my son. It was too painful for me to deal with. The way things have been was the way it would continue. I wouldn’t go from never seeing my son to now spending weekends with him. His life was perfect and Gina had him involved in so many sports. He didn’t need his life complicated with being told Gina wasn’t his real mother. She was his mother in my eyes and Ben was his uncle. Telling him that I was his mother, would only be selfish and would do more damage than good. Yairo had his entire life to live and he was going to make all of us proud one day. I wanted him to have more than the hood and with the path Gina had him on, he would be in the big leagues soon enough.
“Hi Yolani, how are you feeling today?” My therapist, Ms. Brown, asked me as she strutted into the kitchen.
Grabbing an apple and then rinsing it off, she stared at me with a smile on her face. “I’m good. Ready to get this over.”
“Yolani, just because you have this conversation with your family doesn’t mean it will be over. You’re revealing something that is big and it will take a few conversations before this is considered over. You’ve had time to sit and deal with it for ten years. You’re giving them an hour session to find out about it, and don’t be surprised if this is the topic for a while,” she explained to me.
It wasn’t what I wanted to hear and I wanted to ignore what she was telling me. The truth was that she was right and knowing my grandmother, I knew she would have a bunch of questions she would want answered. The one thing I prayed they understood was that I didn’t want a relationship with my son. There would be no family dinners, vacations or holidays. The same way he’d spent all ten of his holidays would be the same this year. Gina made sure that boy lived a good life and never asked for a dime. She went through nursing school while raising him and never had her hand out for anything. It was why I gave her thousands of dollars so frequently. Knowing her, she had put that all aside for Yairo when he got older.
“I hear you.”
“I’m glad that you do. Come sit and let’s chat before your family arrives. I have some information that may cheer you up.”
“Word? What?” I plopped down on the couch. She adjusted her skirt and then crossed her legs as she settled into the armchair. Watching her was like a movie because she did a million things to prepare herself for one thing. Like crossing her legs took all this work to actually settle in the damn chair and cross her legs.
“I checked up on your friend Cherry and she’s doing very well. I can’t speak on her condition, but I do know she’s home and doing well.”
“Thank you. I appreciate you for checking that out for me. They took my phone and anything else I could use to find that information out, so I appreciate you doing that for me.”
“It’s no problem.” She smiled at me and grabbed her notepad. I often plotted on how I was going to steal that shit. What the hell was she always jotting down? Was she calling me a junkie bitch with mama issues and a whole lot of other shit? It was a bunch of shit that she jotted down when I was telling her my deep and dark secrets.
“What is your thought process?”
“Calm.”
“Even knowing what is about to go down with your family?”
“Yeah. I’m surprised. Just ready to get this over with.”
“Looks like it is time to get that over with.” She smiled and I turned around when I heard Pit Pat’s voice.
“Hey baby, how you feeling?” Pit Pat came into the living room and kissed me on the cheek.
“I’m good. Your feet still swollen. Bet you over there cleaning up Yoshon’s whole house,” I laughed.
“You know she is. Look at your big headed ass.” Yoshon scooped me into a bear hug. This was the first time we’ve seen each other in a while. It felt good to hear my brother’s voice and give him a hug. If I was still on drugs, I wouldn’t have admitted that I missed his ass.
“You the one with the stomach. The hell Golden over there feeding you?”
“Golden been trying to diet and shit. She claim her butt getting too big.”
“Women don’t usually complain about that shit.”
“Hell, you know I’m not. The extra weight on her is good. The weight on you looks good too.” He nudged me and took a seat next to Pit Pat.
“Thank you. Can I get y’all a water or something?”
“Nah, we had lunch before we came over. Nice to finally meet you in person, Ms. Brown.” Yoshon reached his hand to shake hers.
“It’s nice to finally meet all of you. I’ve heard so much about you two that I feel like part of the family,” she giggled.
“Yeah. Let’s hope we’re still family after this session,” Yoshon made a serious joke. I hoped and prayed that we would remain family. It was going to hurt them that I didn’t say anything and kept it a secret all these years, but I had to. At the time, I wasn’t ready to come out and admit that I had pushed a baby through my body and created life. Then, Big Ben got arrested and booked so my world felt like it was breaking apart. To me, the best thing was to go ahead and act like having a child never existed. Gina didn’t force me to see Yairo and she never ran her mouth. She did her role as a mother and raised up a smart and respectful child.
“I just want you guys to know that there is no right or wrong here. Attacking isn’t going to be tolerated either. It has taken a lot for Yolani to open up and share her past with me, so I want you each to respect that you’re standing, well, sitting on her turf. Allow her to speak, check the hostility at the door and open your heart to acceptance,” Ms. Brown set the record straight. She knew how hard this was going to be for me and she made sure she let them know early. “Go ahead, Yolani.”
“I’ve always been distant and kept my feelings and life away from the both of you. Sometimes it was for the best and other times, it was because I was too scared to face the truth. Me and Big Ben have a ten year old son name Yairo. I had him and signed my rights over to his sister and she’s been raising him.”
Pit Pat’s mouth hit the floor when I revealed that I had a son. Yoshon sat with his arms folded and stared at me. “I was waiting on you and Ben to tell me,” he admitted.
All this time he knew and never said anything to me. I thought this was a secret I could have taken to my grave if I decided to. “Why didn’t you say anything to me? I want to meet my great grandbaby,” Pit Pat scolded Yoshon and then me. “It don’t make no sense you hid that boy all these years.”
“This was her battle to fight. I knew when she was ready, she would tell us.”
“You can’t meet him. He has a family and I don’t want to complicate his life.” I raised my voice. “There’s no need to meet him and do all of that. The only reason I’m telling you is because I feel like you both needed to know.”
“You tell me that you have a son, then tell me that I can’t meet him? I’m going to meet him and will arrange to have a dinner at the house.” Pit Pat disregarded my wishes like she always did. She raised us and I loved her for that, but whenever she wanted something, it was what she wanted, not what we wanted. I told her that I didn’t want to involve Yairo in this and she was set on having a dinner and bringing him to the house.
“No, you’re not. This is on my terms. I don’t want to mess up his life. I owe him that much. He has a mother and family that love him. He doesn’t need to share holidays with us or get to know you both. His life is perfect and he’s a good kid. Telling him something like this could tear his world apart, and I’m not going to do that. So respect my wishes and not go near my son.”
Pit Pat sat there with a scowl on her face. “How does that you make you feel?” Ms. Brown directed the question toward Pit Pat.
“I’m not going to sit here and tell you how I feel. This is some bullshit. You couldn’t keep a wife and then you give up a damn baby. How is it fair to tell us about a child we can’t even meet? That boy has the Santana blood running through him and he will never know.” She stood up and pointed her finger at me.
&nbs
p; “I said what I said. My son will not be a part of the cartel. I want him to have a chance at life. The life we were handed, we had no choice. He has a choice and will live a normal life. If you can’t respect that, then you can get the fuck up out my crib.”
“Yolani, she’s your grandmother. Watch how the fuck you talk to her,” Yoshon stood up and raised his voice. “No matter what the fuck you feel, you will respect her.”
“Sorry, Pit Pat,” I replied.
“Pit Pat, she told us what she wanted us to know. It’s not up to us to go and find the boy. We haven’t known him this long and we don’t need to know him. You don’t need to complicate that boy’s life.”
Yoshon had always been the voice of reason between the both of us. Whenever we would have our arguments he would be the one who stepped in and set us both straight. “Take me home, Yoshon.”
“I will do that. Promise me you won’t go looking for Yairo.”
“Have you seen him?” She looked up to Yoshon with sad eyes.
“I have.”
“Why don’t I get that chance to lay eyes on him? You both know what he looks like and all I have is fucking words,” she spat with her native tongue emerging because of her anger.
“Just leave it alone. I regret even telling you about it. You’re the main reason I’ve always kept shit to myself. What I would give to bring my mother back.”
“Yoshon, take me home!” She hollered and left the living room. A few minutes later, I heard the front door slam.
“Lani, I’m sorry. She needs time to process it. I was fucked up when I found out about it too. I’ve had time to process this, and she needs that time to do the same.”
“Please make sure she doesn’t go and do anything stupid. I told her that I don’t want to be a part of my son’s life and I mean that.”
“I will.” He hugged me tight and left behind our grandmother. Plopping back down on the couch, I looked over at Ms. Brown, who was jotting away at the note pad.
“Usually we would talk about this, but this has been a lot on you today. We’ll reconvene tomorrow morning.” She gathered her things once she finished jotting the last of her notes down. Nodding my head, I watched as my sober coach chomped away at an apple. Big Ben had been distant these past few days. I wondered who or what was keeping him away. Right now, I could use his company. My heart was at ease knowing that I had told my grandmother what she needed to know. I only prayed my grandmother left this alone and didn’t try to fix this. Pit Pat thought she had the answers to fix everything. This time, she didn’t need to fix anything. I was at peace with my decision not to have a relationship with my son.
11
Yoshon
“That child has never listened or cared about a word I say to her. This time, I’m going to make her do right by that child,” Pit Pat called from the back as I drove us home. She refused to sit in the front.
“Pit, you know how your granddaughter is. We need to respect her wishes. Whether we like it or not, this is her son and the choice with what she wants to do is up to her.”
“Bull crap. Grape had to know. I’ll have him find her boy for me.”
“You won’t. Pit Pat, you know I love you, but you’re being selfish. Yolani told us she doesn’t want to get him involved and that’s what we need to do. You are thinking of your feelings and not Yolani or Yairo’s feelings. Are you willing to lose the relationship with your granddaughter for a boy you just found out about ten minutes ago?”
She was quiet in the back. My phone started to ring and I answered to give her a moment to think to herself. “Yo.”
“Boss. We caught up with Mrs. Santana having lunch with the baby and a male friend. She lost us so we had to track her car, but when we found her, she was at lunch with Grand.” My blood boiled and I held onto the phone tighter.
“Appreciate it. They home?”
“She just walked through the door with the baby and Gyan. When she was finished, she picked him up from school.”
“Bet.”
This was the sneaky shit I couldn’t get used to with Golden. Why the fuck was she having lunch with the same nigga that raped and beat her? Then she had the fucking nerve to bring my child with her to meet this nigga. Me and Grand weren’t on the same page and when I had the time, I planned on dealing with this nigga. Golden told me she was going shopping with the baby and then picking Gyan up from school since me and Pit Pat had to go over to Yolani’s house. Not once did she mention she was going to meet up with her husband to have lunch. Pit Pat was still in the back with a scowl on her face and I now had the same scowl on mine. The rest of the ride was quiet because we were both in our own thoughts. My hand was itching to touch the doorknob to the crib and find out what the fuck she was doing. I was taking a risk in marrying her and I needed her to be honest. The last thing I needed was to look like a fucking fool in front of my uncle. He had his doubts about Golden and I was determined to prove him wrong about her. She was good for me and she would make the perfect queen to my throne.
Pit Pat climbed out the car and headed right into the house. With me on her heels, she took the stairs and didn’t say a word to anyone. Golden came out of the office area with Yaya in her arms.
“Is Pit Pat alright? I called her from the office and she kept walking upstairs.” Golden looked confused as she held our baby girl in her arms. There wasn’t a moment where Yaya wasn’t attached to her.
“Why the fuck was you having lunch with Grand with my baby?” I barked and walked toward her.
Her face told me all that I needed to know. She was speechless and walked back to the office. She sat Yaya back in her bouncer and turned to face me. “She’s our daughter. I’ve been raising her and caring for her too. So, stop tossing around she’s only yours when you’re upset,” she calmly stated.
“Why the fuck were you having lunch with that nigga?”
“Because I wanted him to sign the divorce papers. I wanted to get it over with so we can have a happy life together. Grand is the only thing standing in the way of that.”
“You need to learn how to stay in a fucking woman’s place!” I yelled.
“I’ve stayed in a woman’s place and that’s how I ended up sleeping in a car with my son. I needed to handle this, not you.”
“Man, whatever. I’m not that man. I said I got you, so that’s what I mean.”
“Babe, you have to understand is that I depended on a man for so long. Now I finally found my independence. I don’t want to lose that marrying you.”
Walking closer to her, I pulled her close to me. “An independent woman is what I want. Nah, I need. I do need you to trust me.”
“Okay, I’m sorry.”
“And stop speeding and trying to lose the security team. They’re there to protect you.”
“Fine.”
“I’m serious, Gold.”
“Okay, I will. Damn, they some snitches.” She rolled her eyes. Golden despised the security team. Whenever she got the chance, she would lose them in traffic. I needed her to understand that she couldn’t continue to do that. They were there to protect her, not hurt her. If something happened to her or the kids, I wouldn’t know what to do with myself.
“Give me kiss.”
She reached up and gave me a kiss on the cheek. “Hazel called me and invited me to her bridal shower. It’s supposed to be a surprise, but her cousin told her about it. How does Yolani feel about that?”
“Go and represent for the family. You can use a day without the kids and be around other women. I haven’t had a chance to really see where my sister’s mind is at. Today went wrong and Pit Pat may stay in her room for the rest of the day.”
“I’ll cook dinner and bring her some up. She’ll probably want to vent about it after having some time to herself.”
“Yeah. She found out about Yolani’s son.”
“Wait, Yolani has a son? When and how?”
“Not important. She has one and doesn’t want to have a relationship with him.”<
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“Well, that’s her choice. Just because we can bear children, doesn’t mean every woman is meant to be a mother.”
“Pit Pat disagrees with her and wants to see the boy.”
“She would do more harm than good by doing that.”
“That’s why I’m telling her she needs to chill and leave it alone. Yolani knows what she wants and this is what she’s asking us to do, so she needs to respect her and do that.”
“Give her some time. She’ll come around and see that this is for the best. Now about this bridal shower. Hazel really going through with this?”
“I heard she’s already married.”
“But…. Bridal showers happ… you know what, it ain’t my business. I’ll go pick up a gift from us tomorrow morning.” She kissed me on the cheek. “Let me go cook dinner.”
“And make sure your ass stay with security.”
“Fine.” She rolled her eyes and switched out the office.
Turning around, I saw my baby girl kicking her feet. Scooping her up in my arms, I kissed her on the cheeks and sat down on the couch in my office. Today had been stressful, and I needed to sit and spend some time with my baby girl. Golden better understand what I mean when it comes to Grand. That’s something that I will handle when I get to it. Little did she know, I was in the process of making shit work in our favor, she just needed to be patient with it all.
Golden was home with the kids and I went to slip out to have a drink at the bar. In my basement, I had a full bar and could have retreated down there, but being out was different. I just needed to get out the crib and have a few minutes to myself. When I needed to clear my mind, I would come to the city to Mid-town and have a drink in the back of the bar. It was a stuffy ass bar owned by some old man. It had been through renovations by the grandson. I always sat and listened to the grandfather go back and forth with his grandson about all the upgrades he did. This bar was his life and since he could no longer run it, he continued to come into the bar every day to keep busy.
