by Jahquel J
With my shoes, purse and keys, I dragged myself through the door. Swinging them onto the floor, I continued to the bedroom. A shower would have been nice, but the bed sounded better. A few hours prior, I had just ate McDonalds and now I was back hungry. Ignoring my hunger pains, I flipped the light switch up and Denim was on the couch. He was awake and just sitting on the couch. I knew I was tired when I didn’t bother to jump or be scared. He wasn’t supposed to be here, and I hadn’t heard anything from him, so why the hell was he here now? All the nights when my boring ass is in the house, he never wants to be home. Now, when I’m tip-toeing into the house at four in the morning, he was sitting in the living room with an indescribable expression on his face.
“When did you get back?”
“I landed around ten. Called you a few times and sent you a shit load of messages to see where you were.”
Rummaging through my purse, I located my phone and sure enough, he had called and sent me a bunch of messages. His last one was an hour ago. “Damn. I’m sorry. My phone been on silent.”
“Where were you?”
This wasn’t the question I was prepared for. “Mo’s house. She went out with her little boyfriend and I stayed to watch the kids. I didn’t want to come straight home after the bridal shower.” I lied. Mo didn’t come to the bridal shower because she knew where I stood with the situation. She refused to support my mother’s bridal shower and opened the shop instead.
“Why you coming in now? You should have just stayed the night.” He was skeptical. My girl would vouch for me and wouldn’t know the story so I had no worries.
“Um, have you ever shared a bed with a little girl who kicks you in the ribs? Her couch aint no damn better with the baby’s toys everywhere. I missed our bed and wanted to come home.” I put my purse on the couch and went into the kitchen to get my nervous ass some water. “I told her I was good and came home. Plus, it saves me from having to deal with the traffic to come home anyway.” Quickly staring back at him on the couch, he bought it. From his expression, I could tell that he believed what I had said.
“How was the kids?”
“Let me just say, they let me know how unprepared I am for this one.”
He laughed and came into the kitchen. “I missed y’all.” He rubbed my stomach and kissed me on the neck.
“We missed you too. How much longer until these trips back and forth to California are over?”
“Not much longer. You see why I want to move back. The only reason I came back was to get my girl back, and I did that, and married her.”
“Oh really? You were so confident that you would get me?”
“Hell yeah. You was running to the restaurant to have a drink and dinner with me.”
Laughing, I headed to the bedroom. “Yeah, keep telling yourself that. Moving to California wasn’t on my list of things to do, babe.”
“Yeah, and living in New York wasn’t on mine. I’m busy with the new things I’m opening there and I can’t keep spending all this time away from my daughter. Tailor needs me and I need to be there for her.”
“What about your wife and new baby you have on the way? We matter too.”
“You all matter and I’m trying to split my time between everyone. Tailor is getting the worst end of it because she wants me all the time.”
“I understand.” What was I going to say? I mattered more than his daughter and should come first? It made me think which child would come first when our baby was born. It seemed like he moved hell and high water for Tailor and his baby mama but I didn’t get that same energy. He was spending all his time trying to convince me to move to California, instead of telling his baby mother to move to New York. Tailor spent a short amount of time here once and she hadn’t been back. Cristal, his baby mama, never made the sacrifices he was trying to make me make. It was all about me and how I needed to move so he could be with his daughter.
“Why you so quiet?” Now he wanted to pick at how quiet I was being. There wasn’t anything left for me to say. His mind had already been made and he was just telling me what was going to happen moving forward.
“What do you want me to say, Denim? Your daughter is important and you should do what’s best for her. I’ll be sure to do the same with my child too. Cristal calls you and makes you feel bad about you missing things on purpose. You don’t think she’s upset that you’re married now?”
“Stop. Cristal always asks about you and shit. She has her own man and is not worried about anything other than our child.”
“That’s real funny. I never spoke to her or met her, even when her child was over here.” Denim acted so weird when it came to Cristal.
“You’re tired. We’re not going to argue about something so dumb.”
“Don’t tell me what I am.” I went into the bathroom to shower. He had me so pissed that I wanted to shower and head back to Yolani’s house. While he thought I would be going to the shop in a few hours, I would be going to Yolani’s house to finish sleeping.
The days and weeks passed by and I couldn’t keep count. My stomach got bigger; my energy seemed nonexistence and work was so piled up that my clients had gotten tired of me re-scheduling their appointments and handing out discount cards to soothe their anger. As promised, I was back in the shop from sun up till sun down to make sure I kept my loyal clients that counted on me. Me and Denim had gotten over our little fight and had been getting better. This had been the longest he had been in New York since we gotten married. His focus was on his shop here and trying to work on us. I guess that little argument scared him and he wanted to make sure I was receiving time with him too. All the time he wanted to spend with me was getting in the way of chilling with Yolani. With me having to be at the shop, I couldn’t go over and hang with her in the middle of the day.
She had gotten busy too because Yoshon had her on the legal side of things. He couldn’t have her messing back with any types of drugs, so she was working with Golden. My baby was developing healthy and that was all I could ask for. With all the trying Denim was doing, it annoyed me. We went out to dinner, movies and all types of things and I hated it. It had nothing to do with him; he was doing his part, it was just this dumb thing I called feelings that caused me to hate everything. He thought my attitude was because of the pregnancy and I allowed him to believe that. Having him believe that was easier than explaining that I wasn’t in love and wanted out of this marriage.
My mother was so excited about the baby and planning the wedding. This wedding was something I had no say in. She never called me and asked me what flowers I wanted or what kind of cake I liked. She took my father cake tasting to pick out the cake for my wedding. Hell, I didn’t care or wouldn’t have known if my father didn’t call me to tell me. Each time he called me, he reminded me that time was ticking and I needed to make things right. All this pressure wasn’t good for me or the baby. It was easier to act like these problems didn’t exist than deal with them head on. Yolani wasn’t stressing me about being with her. She just wanted a friendship and I appreciated that. So I guess that’s why I had been stalling and going along with all this wedding prep when I needed to be calling it off and filing for divorce.
“Why you in here all quiet?” Mo came into my office and closed the door behind her. “I was looking for you and you in here all quiet.”
“Tired. I’ve been working so damn hard and I’m tired as hell.”
“You have been working hard. It’s your own fault that you have been working that hard. If you never held all those clients off, you wouldn’t have to deal with all of that.”
“Ugh, shut up.”
“I think I’m finally ready to tell you who my man is,” she randomly blurted. Hearing her wanting to reveal this mystery man had me all excited. “Calm it down.” She noticed how I inched to the edge of my desk with excitement.
“Who is it?”
“Grape.”
My mouth hit the floor and I couldn’t believe it was Grape. Out of all people, she
had been dating Grape all these months and keeping it quiet. “What the hell? Why did you hide it from me?”
“Remember that little BBQ you threw last summer? When Grape and Yoshon showed up, I ended up making their plates and Grape was flirting real hard with me. You know me, I didn’t pay it no damn mind. A few months after that I ran into him in Walgreens. He was buying pads for his sister and she wasn’t answering her phone so he asked for my help. From there, we exchanged numbers and just kicked it when I had time. We’ve been official for a few months, but I wanted to make sure he was the right fit for me.”
“I can’t believe you kept this from me, Monique!” I squealed. “When are the kids going to meet him?”
“They met him already and love him. He spoils my kids like no other.”
“Are you going to give him a baby?”
“Girl, what? We’re not thinking about that. Even if, he had an accident a few years back and can’t have kids. Which works good for me because I’m done having kids.”
“Wow. I’ve had a million conversations with Grape and he’s never told me any of this. Mo, you really fucking with Grape?”
“Hell yeah. That man has me gone behind him. I met his sister and she’s real cool too. She’s happy her brother found someone so he can ease up on her. I keep telling him that girl is grown and he needs to let her live her life.”
“Yolani told me that he doesn’t play when it comes to her.”
“He doesn’t. His job is done and she’s in medical school. He did everything he needed to for that girl.”
“You’re right. When’s the wedding?”
“Shut up. I should be asking you the same thing.”
“You’ve been slacking with your maid of honor duties, Mo. My mother said she called you twice.”
“Your mother can kiss my ass. I love Stacy, but this time, she’s dead wrong. I can’t act fake like you’re acting and go along with this shit. Anybody who truly knows you, knows that you’re not happy. Denim is a good man, but he’s not the man for you.”
“She’s so happy, Mo.”
“And you’re not. When are you going to realize you have to stop giving a fuck about your mother’s happiness? This entire wedding she’s planning is because of what she never had. You and Denim are legally married and she’s having fun spending the money that can be used for your baby to plan her dream wedding.”
“I’m tired.”
“Don’t use the tired card to get out of talking about this. You need to handle things with Denim and then tell your mother. Stop letting everyone be happy and you’re miserable.”
“I hear you.”
She stood up and headed to the door. “You hear me, but will you listen?” she shook her head and left the office.
Putting my head on the desk, I sighed and kicked myself for jumping the gun and moving so quickly with marrying Denim. If I just stayed single and just dated, none of this would have happened. I wouldn’t have my mother behaving like a bridezilla and I wouldn’t have to break a man’s heart for the second time. Whoever said growing up was fun lied like a damn muthafucka.
14
Alicia
Golden laid so much out on the table for me. After I left the bridal shower, I went and checked into a hotel. If Grand could do something like that to his wife, with his son there, there was no telling what he would or could do to me. I had HIV and he didn’t know, and we had been having unprotected sex. I didn’t know if he had contracted the disease or not. My story wasn’t like most bitter women. I wasn’t going around sleeping with men to give them the disease. Me and Grand had sex that one time and it slipped my mind. He made me feel so good that I had forgot about the disease that plagued my sex life with negativity. For once, a man had brought me to the stars and the moons and I was on cloud nine. Thinking of being safe should have been on my mind, but it wasn’t. I hadn’t gone back to our apartment because I was scared. Staring into Golden’s eyes, it was almost like I could see how everything went down between she and Grand.
This baby meant the world to me and I wanted to keep this baby. He wouldn’t take this baby from me. It wasn’t about having a baby by Grand; it was about having a baby period. No one understood how much I wanted and needed to have this baby. My money was running out and I needed to grab some clothes from the apartment. Picking up my phone, I took a deep breath and dialed Jean’s number. Since the day he left me in the parking garage, I hadn’t spoken or seen him. I never checked out that story about the medical student that Grand was fucking around with. Why bother now? If she wanted him, then I prayed she was smart about being safe with him.
“What’s good, Alicia?”
“Hey, Jean. Can you do me a big favor?”
“Of course, you good? I’m heading to the airport right now.”
“Um, can I borrow some money for clothes and to stay in my hotel a little longer?” It was embarrassing to ask him for these things, but I had to put my pride aside and ask.
“Your nigga put you out? I told you tha—”
“No, I left him. I’m pregnant again and I’m just really scared to go home. I’ve heard some things about him that has me scared to be around him. All my important papers stay at my aunt’s house, so I’m not worried about leaving anything at his place. I just need to stay here for a few to figure out my next step.”
“You done with him for real?”
“Yes. I don’t want to lose this baby, Jean.”
“Get a cab to JFK airport.”
“Wh—”
“You want my help or not?”
“I don’t have any money.”
“I got you.”
“Okay.”
I ended the call and flew around the room to gather up the things needed to check out. It took me under ten minutes to put on some sweats and flip flops and head out. My hair was pulled into a big ponytail and the Gucci shades covered the bags under my eyes. I hadn’t been on my medicine because I was afraid of going to the apartment while he was there. Hailing a cab, he demanded I give him something to take me that far. Pulling out a crumbled twenty-dollar bill, he accepted it and drove me to the airport. Traffic was thick once we hit Queens. We went to the Delta terminal and like promised, Jean was standing there with his luggage. He handed the driver a hundred-dollar bill and opened the back door for me. Stepping out, he stared at me funny before he embraced me.
“You pale as fuck, Alicia. You good?” I wasn’t feeling well because I hadn’t taken the medicines I needed to make sure I remained in good health.
“Morning sickness,” I lied.
“Damn, it hit you like that? You good, though?”
“Yep.” There I was telling another lie.
“I’m giving you two choices and make them quick because I’m on a limited time frame.” He stared at me. “You can get on this flight with me to California; I can get you a condo, you can work in the gym I’m opening there and be safe with your baby. Or I give you this three thousand dollars and you make do with this here.”
California? He was going to pay for me to move to California and offered me a job. How could I turn that down? Then, I had to think of my aunt and cousin, what would they say? My aunt hadn’t checked on me like she usually did because she was so busy with the wedding planning. Hazel was in her own world these days, so would they notice I was gone?
“I’ll come to California.” I made up my mind with an unsure expression on my face.
Jean held up the phone. “Already booked your seat next to mine. You’ve always been smart so I knew you would make a smart decision. Especially when it came to your baby.”
“I just really want to have a new start. And there’s some things that I need to talk to you about,” I told him.
“We got a semi-long flight, so you can talk all you want because I’ll be listening.” He winked, grabbed his bags and my hand to head into the airport.
The ride was long and the food was amazing. Being thirty thousand feet in the air had a way of making you feel so at p
eace. Sleep came to me easily and then I spent the other time watching movies or staring out the window. We landed around nine at night and caught a taxi to his condo in Hollywood. The building was contemporary with Hollywood signs all over the lobby. His condo had the same type of style. It screamed masculine and that a man owned it. The kitchen had stainless steel everywhere, even the stools at the island were stainless steel. There wasn’t much of a view besides a street and then the roofs of a bunch of houses.
“This is nice.”
“It’s Denim’s crib. He lets me use it when I have to handle business here in the city. We’ll be staying here until we find you a condo or something.”
“You have money to just buy me a condo?”
“I’m not buying you shit. I’ll pay the first few months’ rent, but then you need to take over the rent. Alicia, just because you know I’d do anything and drop anyone for you, doesn’t mean I’m going to pay for your life. You’re used to niggas taking care of you and I’m not that nigga. The only woman I’ll take care of is my mother and my wife. Being that I don’t have a wife, I’m not about to take care of you. You’re grown and could take care of your own. If you don’t know how to, I promise that baby will teach you some hustle.”
Once again, I felt like a stupid fool standing in front of him. Jean had never been one to sugarcoat anything so I didn’t know why I was surprised that he got me together the way he did. I did need to get my shit together and stop depending on men to take care of me. I never had a problem getting a nigga to take care of me. It was something that I used to pride myself on. A man would come, take care of me and leave. Then I ended up back with my aunt and uncle. This time, I needed to prove that I could do this and take care of my baby. Grand probably would want me dead when he found out what I gave him.
