by Jahquel J
“Yoshon, we’ll talk about this later,” she told me. When she didn’t want to talk about something, she always wanted to talk about it later.
“I’m gonna leave it alone for now.”
“Thank you,” she kissed me on the lips. “I promise we’ll talk about this later.” She kissed me again.
While she spoke about her day, I was on the phone emailing Grape to hit up some wedding planners. She thought she wasn’t going to have a wedding, but she was. She deserved a wedding and I was going to give her one. Shit, this was my first marriage, and I wanted to have something to show the kids. Golden thought this was about her and it wasn’t. She wasn’t thinking about me and it was about the both of us. Grand had her fucked up from their marriage that she didn’t want to have a wedding. What she had to learn was that I was going to show her how a man was supposed to love a wife.
My wife would never want for anything. We would argue, but I wouldn’t allow her head to touch the pillow at the end of the night without making sure we made up. I wouldn’t agree with everything she did, but I would respect it. There would be some days where I wouldn’t want to speak because the stress of running the empire might overwhelm me. I know one thing, she wouldn’t go a day without me telling her that I loved her. Golden was going to be loved by a real man and not that fake ass nigga that vowed to love her, but did everything except that. Niggas loved to call their women Queen and did everything except treat them as a Queen. She kissed a frog long enough; it was time for her to realize she was marrying a King.
16
Yolani
Coke was all over the floor along with weed and my roll up. First, Hazel came home with her shit, and I got away from there without putting hands on her, but Cherry was about to catch all the anger I got handed today. Staring at her, she continued to go on and on about what I didn’t do for her, and how I was only around when I needed her. There was no lie, she was speaking the truth. Cherry was there when I was going through it with Hazel. It had been a minute since me and Hazel been on the same page, so I frequented her house, handled business from here and acted like it was my second crib. Why go out and get another crib when I could lay up here without having to do much? At first, Cherry was so damn excited to have me in her crib that I got home cooked meals damn near every night.
Then, it stopped, and the bitching and moaning came after. She cried about not going out or how I didn’t claim her when I saw her out in the hood. Why the fuck would I? She knew when I stepped to her that I was spoken for, and she continued to pursue me. Why did bitches think they could persuade you to leave your woman for them? Bitch, the whole reason I entertained fucking with you is because I needed someone to do my laundry when I went MIA on Hazel. I was trying to have a peaceful space to come and chill, not hear the same shit I could hear at home.
“Damn, crackhead.” I heard the tail end of what the fuck she was over there venting about. Call me what the fuck you want, but I wasn’t no damn crackhead.
“The fuck you called me?”
“Yolani, stop acting like you’re so high and mighty. You fucking running around here with a damn problem. Bet Yoshon don’t know his sister is fucking around with the product too, huh?” My brain had communicated with my hand, and it formed a fist. Next thing I knew, I was on top of Cherry, and punching the shit out of her. The bitch was screaming and trying to claw at my face.
Hazel and her bullshit pissed me off, Cherry calling me a crack head added to that, and the fact that I was letting Yoshon down by having this little addiction. I could stop when I wanted and I wasn’t ready to. I was having fun and chilling, right? My hand snagged on something and the pain made me jump back quickly. When I did, Cherry laid there in a pool of her blood and her face was unrecognizable.
“Cherry, stop playing… get up.” I kicked her leg. She didn’t move and appeared to be dead. Checking her pulse, she barely had life left in her. Grabbing my phone out the glass on the floor, I called Grape.
“Yo?”
“Come to the address I’m ‘bout to send to you,” that was all I said and I ended the call. Grape was always in the hood, so I knew he was somewhere close. That nigga didn’t retire until the end of the day, and even then, he still never brought his ass to his crib.
Grape arrived twenty minutes later. He told me he was at his favorite Spanish spot that wasn’t too far from Cherry’s apartment. When he saw everything, his eyes jumped out his socket. Grape was a real reserved dude, not too much made him react. If he had a reaction, I knew the shit was all bad.
“The fuck happened, Yolani?” he asked as he stepped over the glass and headed over to Cherry. “She alive?”
“Yeah… I mean, when I last checked she was.”
He stared at me. “You high?”
“Yeah, I smoked me a L before you came.” It was a lie, but he didn’t need to know all of that right now. When he needed to know was how the fuck was we going to get her to a hospital?
“What the fuck you want me to do? Call an ambulance for her?”
“What the fuck you mean? I pay you good money to make shit like this disappear,” I barked and he stared at me unfazed.
“Your brother pays me, not you. Second, you need to handle this shit on your own. That coke on the floor?”
“Yeah, she was about to roll up some blunts with some.” Why was this nigga focused on the wrong shit?
“Same blunt you were smoking?” He was skeptical.
“Nah, I roll my own blunts. Always will. We got into it because she was stealing shit from me.” Cherry wouldn’t steal from me. Still, I had to think of a reason why I would beat the shit out of her like this.
“Ight, pull her in the staircase, wipe all this shit down and lock her apartment and call the cops. I’m not getting blood on me, so call your flunkies,” he told me and dipped out the apartment. The way he stared at me didn’t sit right with me. Grape wasn’t going to speak on anything until he had proof. I was safe for now, yet that meant I had to stay on guard around his ass.
Instead of calling my dumb asses, I did all the work alone. I made sure no blood traced back to her apartment. Once I was done, I removed every trace of myself out of her apartment and dipped down the block. Calling the ambulance, I dropped the burner phone into the drain and headed to my crib. Hazel’s ass could stop bugging now that I’ll be spending a few days away from the streets. When I found out what’s good with Cherry, I didn’t need to be seen. We had people who could have just killed her and got rid of her body. The thought crossed my mind and it quickly diminished. I couldn’t do that shit to Cherry. She got on my nerves and nagged like Hazel, but she didn’t deserve to die. I hopped in my whip and headed home with the quickness. My wife was going to be hype to see my ass when I got there. She couldn’t stay mad at me, and I knew we would spend all night talking about communicating better. I had a million other ways I’d rather spend my night, but I was going to give her what she wanted.
“Where you at, babe?” I yelled when I walked through the door. The shoes and shit was scattered everywhere.
“Yolani, is that you?” I heard Pit Pat’s voice.
“Pit Pat? What you doing here?” She came down the stairs slowly and smiled when she laid eyes on me.
“Why do I have to come to your house to see you?” she embraced me and checked me over like she always did. “You okay, gurl?”
“Yes, Pit. I’m just chilling and getting this money.”
“Uh huh, your braids have seen better days,” she criticized. “Why your pants so baggy?” She nit-picked everything.
“Cause I’m barely eating. Hazel’s ass don’t never cook and I grab what I can. Where’s Hazel?”
The car door deterred me from my thoughts about Cherry. I had Ms. Brown find out if she was good, but I needed to lay eyes on her. The shit I did to her was fucked up and she didn’t deserve that shit. All she was trying to do was be there for me and I damn near killed her with my bare hands. Part of being sober was that I wasn’t able to get
high and forget about the foul shit I did. When they popped into my mind, I couldn’t get rid of them; I had to deal with them. Ms. Brown was definitely involved in some shady shit or was born into a family that dealt in illegal dealings. Last week I handed her thirty thousand dollars and told her to drop it off to Cherry. Any other therapist would have asked a million questions and refused to do such a job. Ms. Brown swung the duffle bag onto her shoulder and switched out the door to her Lexus. The next day, she showed me a video of Cherry thanking her for the money. Her speech was slurred and she had some bruises that healed on her face. Ms. Brown wouldn’t allow me to look around. She made me look at the video a few times and realize what I did. She told me I wasn’t allowed to look away. I needed to feel bad for what I did. For so long, I was able to escape my feelings because I got high to get the thoughts that haunted me out of my head. For the first time in a long time, I had to deal with the shit head on.
“Where we going now, Yolani? That damn diner was so ghetto.” She turned her nose at the diner I took her to. It was a small, black-owned diner that was so ratchet that people paid to come there for the waitress to insult them.
I thought it would be cool for me and Pit Pat to go to break the ice between us. Instead, she got into an argument with the waitress and I just left before I blew up in anger. While she gave the manager a piece of her mind, I waited in the car until she was done.
“Pit Pat, I thought you said I was able to take control today?”
“That little heifer in there called my hair a wig. This is all my hair,” she complained about the woman’s insult, which was supposed to be funny.
“She knows it’s your hair. She thought it was funny, Pit. You making this out to be more than what it is.”
“Well, don’t bring me back to this place again.” She pulled out a butterscotch candy and offered me one. “Here, take one,” she said with a cheek filled with the candy already.
“Thank you.” I accepted the candy and pulled away from the curb.
We drove for a little while before I pulled over. I pulled my phone out and called a number. “Hey.”
“I’m ready.”
“You sure?”
“Uh huh.”
“Okay, I had to run to the store anyway,” the woman replied, and I sighed and ended the call.
“Lani, why are we pulled over? Are you okay?” she immediately worried that something was off with me.
“Yeah, I’m fine. Pit, I just want you to understand where I’m coming from with this situation.”
“Baby, I don’t understand the lifestyle that you chose to live, but I do support and respect it. Seeing just how much Hazel loves and adores you is enough for me to respect something that makes my granddaughter happy. You hid your baby from me and I can see why. If this is what you want to do, then I’ll respect your choice even though it hurts.”
As she spoke, Gina came out the building with Yairo. They walked down the block to the fruit stand on their street while he bounced the ball. “Pit, I appreciate that you’re respecting my decision. It’s all I ask. Look out your window.”
She looked out her window and Yairo was bouncing his ball while Gina stood in the middle of the sidewalk and pretended to be on her phone. “That’s Yairo,” I whispered.
Nothing in this world ever shut Pit Pat up. She always had a comeback for something. Except, this time she was quiet as she watched Yairo bounce the ball. I could see her hands shaking and the tears come down her cheeks as she stared at him. I didn’t realize I was crying until the tear hit the back of my hand. Seeing him all grown up and maturing had me emotional. I avoided seeing him because I knew shit like this would happen.
“He’s so beautiful,” Pit Pat whispered still staring out the window. Gina looked toward me and I nodded my head and gave her the signal that it was fine for her to continue to the store.
When Pit Pat wouldn’t let it go about meeting Yairo, I thought of the next best thing. I reached out to Gina and met up with her to bring her some money. While I was dropping the money off, I asked if she could do me a favor. She told me she didn’t mind doing that and actually agreed with me not complicating Yairo’s life. She did mention that she wanted me to be a part of his life and I declined. This was something that I don’t think I could or would ever get over. It was weird because I never wanted to be a mother, but I still wanted my kid. It was a complex situation to be in and I tried to make peace with the situation. The only way to make peace with the situation was to move on with my life and continue to allow her to raise my son.
“He is. A honor roll student, plays all sports and he’s respectful. He loves to read and loves any Marvel movies,” I informed her of everything I knew about Yairo.
“You love Marvel movies,” Pit Pat repeated as she was damn near turned around in her seat trying to see him walk down the block with Gina.
“I do.”
“You allowed me to see him.” She turned back and faced me with a smile on her face. Her face was red because she was crying.
“I wanted you to know that you’re my grandmother and I may not always agree with everything you do or even like you at times, but I do love you. I love and respect you for stepping in to raise two kids without parents. We’ve had our issues and I know we still have some to work on. As long as you’re ready and willing to repair this relationship, then I am too.”
“Baby, I love you so much. You’re my granddaughter. I know I’ve said things that probably still hurt you to this day and I can’t take them back. What I can do is be there for you and love you.”
We reached across the armrest and hugged each other in the car. “I’ve missed you, Pit Pat.”
“Oh, baby, I’ve missed you too. I stole my key back from the sober coach the other day,” she admitted.
He went by Yoshon’s place to inform him of my process and he still had a key. When he came over the other day, he was telling me that he had misplaced my key. I now knew that he didn’t misplace his keys, my grandmother had stolen her key back.
“Pit Pat, that man was all red in the face and nervous because he lost the key.”
“He just flung his keys any ol’ place and I took them.” She smiled and I shook my head then pulled off from the curb.
“You did good, Lani.”
“What you mean?”
“You knew you couldn’t raise that baby and did what the best was for him. It may be frowned upon or looked down on, but you did the best you could as a mother.”
“Thanks, Pit.” I smiled and headed to the next restaurant where I hoped she didn’t curse anyone else.
Things with me were far from being at peace, but I was on the right track to being peaceful. Being down at my worst and on drugs could have killed me. Big Ben came home and showed me that no matter how fucked up I was to him in prison and no matter how long he had been gone, the love he had for me was still there. It moved from being a romance type of love, to having love for me and wanting the best. When it came to Ben, I trusted him with my life. Who knew where I would have been if I never answered the door for him that night. When it came to us ever being together, he already knew it wasn’t going to happen and he respected it. Long as we had the friendship and I was clean, he told me he was good.
Me and Hazel were in a better place and I thanked God for that. The shit I put her through and did to her was so fucked up. Our friendship was even stronger than before. She leaned on me a lot for emotional support and I realized that during our relationship I’ve never been there for her in that way. When we were just friends, I had always been that person she was able to lean on and vent to, but soon as we got into a relationship, she lost that piece of me. I appreciated that she felt comfortable with telling me her feelings and being sober, I had no choice but to accept her personal feelings. I couldn’t get high or get up and leave without taking in how she felt.
She was torn between giving her baby a family or trying to make it work with me. Like I continued to tell her, she didn’t need to add me
into this equation. Hazel needed to make decisions based on her baby, not me or Denim. In the end, her child was going to be the one who benefited or suffered from whichever decision she chose to make in her life. In the end, she knew whichever way she decided to go, I would be right there for her and would have her back. In the past, I had lost my way and wasn’t there to hold her down the way I should have been and I regretted that. However, now I was there and going to be there for her. What I had to realize was that I fucked up shit between us and now I had to deal with the backlash of what I did.
17
Big Ben
“He’s out of his fucking mind. Did he not think I would go and make us get checked before being intimate with him?” Gigi vented as she walked back and forth with her lab coat still on.
I was half asleep and low-key wondering how the fuck she got into my apartment building without them ringing up to tell me. When I heard someone banging on my door frantically, I grabbed my strap and was ready to air whoever the fuck it was out. No one knew about my place except for a small amount of people. Gigi was one of those people and that was only because Grape had sent her with some money for me. After she flirted with me that day at his crib, I made sure I stayed the fuck away from shorty. Grape was my nigga and I wasn’t going to cross that line behind his back. If Gigi was serious, then we could work on trying to build something. Except, I knew her ass was fucking with me and she wasn’t interested in being tied down to a relationship. A nigga wasn’t trying to fuck around with hella bitches. I wanted to come home from hustling and chill with my lady and watch a few shows before going to bed in each other’s arms. Chasing bitches was overrated.
“Gigi, what the fuck are you talking about?” I questioned. Soon as I opened the door, she flew inside and started venting about something. I was sitting on this couch with my eyes low as fuck because I was tired and she was in here screaming about something.
