by E. L. Todd
Changed my perspective on death.
Whenever I was above the stratosphere, I longed to be home. The little things that I took for granted became so important to me…like gravity. But whenever I was on Earth, all I could think about was the next time I would get back up into space.
Wherever I was, I was never quite happy.
That made me isolated…lost.
Vic sat across from me at the table in the bar. It was after five when everyone got off work. I still had a week off to allow my body to acclimate to the intense pressure of the atmosphere and the constant resistance of gravity. Even my stomach didn’t feel quite right because my intestines had been floating for several months. Readjusting to Earth’s hostile surface was always difficult, but since I was young, I had an easier time than most other astronauts.
Vic watched the TV for a few moments before he turned back to me. “How was Mom?”
I’d spent the day with her yesterday. She’d made lunch and then we went shopping. “Interesting. She looks at me with so much disappointment one moment…and then she’s proud the next. I know she hates it every time I launch. But then she hates it when I’m home because she knows I’m going to launch again in the future.”
Victor didn’t comment on my response, probably because he wanted to stay neutral. He was the one who had to deal with her in my absence. Even though he was the golden boy of the family, I was still somehow her favorite…and that made her more upset.
I sat with my arms across my chest, still getting used to the constant pull of gravity. It was a strange sensation to be so weightless and free for months, and then to feel your chest tighten every time you try to breathe once you were on Earth.
My phone was on the table, and it lit up with a text message from Laura. Just a single glance told me it wasn’t appropriate for public display, so I discreetly flipped it over so my brother couldn’t read her comments.
Vic didn’t need to read them. “Must be nice not to sleep alone anymore.”
I grabbed my beer and took a drink, letting his comment stew for a bit before I responded. “Gravity is my favorite person to sleep with. In space, you’re always so weightless that you never really feel like it’s time to go to sleep. But on Earth, you’re always fighting this force that pushes down on you. By the end of the day, you’re tired…even if you haven’t been productive.”
My brother smiled slightly at the way I tiptoed around his comment. “I think pussy is better than gravity, but sure.”
I never heard him talk that way around Stacy because he was too respectful of her to make comments like that. He’d always been a good guy, but he really cleaned up when she came around. I wasn’t there to see the milestones of their relationship, so my infrequent visits made his change seem even more profound. “How’s married life?”
“Good. We’re looking to get a house soon.”
“That’s awesome. Still in Houston?”
“Yeah. Stacy is getting anxious to start a family. She put it on hold for a year, but we think we’re gonna start trying.”
“Why would she put it on hold?”
Vic looked at the TV again and never answered my question. The only response I got was a slight shrug. “How long will you be in town for?”
“No idea. I have a full itinerary with the program, but launches can happen on short notice.”
“How much longer are you going to do this? Is there a certain age where astronauts are expected to retire?”
I had a specific mission I’d been preparing for, something I’d never shared with anyone because it was classified. My family would be upset when they heard the news because it was the most dangerous thing I would ever do. To be frank, there was a good chance I wouldn’t survive. But I had to do it anyway. I would regret it every day for the rest of my life if I didn’t. “It’s based on health. As long as you’re fit enough to handle the extreme environment and situations, you can keep going.”
Victor had always been supportive of my passion, but even he couldn’t hide his disappointment in my career choice. He knew it was dangerous, and every time I left, he feared I wouldn’t come back. But he kept his mouth shut. “You’re a very fit guy, so you have a long career ahead of you.”
That was why I stayed in shape. I limited the caffeine and the alcohol, as well as processed foods. I was in the gym every single day because my body atrophied every time I went to space. Then I had to start the process all over again.
“Stacy should be here any minute. Her workday just ended.”
“Does Mom know you’re starting a family?”
“No. We decided to wait until she’s a few months pregnant.”
“Awesome. I’m happy for you.” I’d have a niece or a nephew, but unfortunately, I wouldn’t be able to spend much time with them. Maybe bragging to their friends about their uncle being an astronaut would be good enough.
“Thanks. You ever think about that sort of thing?”
I liked my brother because he didn’t ask me too many personal questions, but now he seemed to be more aggressive about it. Maybe he assumed I would have a short career, like an athlete. He kept hoping I would retire soon, but every time that announcement didn’t come, he became more afraid. “No.”
“No?” he asked. “As in, you don’t think about it, or you don’t want it?”
“Both.” I was seventeen years old when I walked into the recruiting office and signed myself up for the air force, with my mother’s signature since I was under eighteen. Even at that young age, I knew exactly what I wanted to do. Nothing was more important to me than getting to space, the moon, and beyond. Getting married and having a family was never in my plan. I was a wild man who would always have to be free. I didn’t want to be the kind of husband who was never home. Whenever I committed to anything, I gave it a hundred percent. If I couldn’t give it everything, then I wouldn’t do it.
Vic didn’t press me on it.
Stacy walked in a minute later, wearing a pencil skirt and blouse like she just got off work. Her blond hair was beautiful, and her tasteful jewelry made her look like a regal professional. She smiled and embraced her husband before she gave me a hug. “How are you?”
“Good. You?”
“I’m great.” She took a seat and set down her bag. “Now that I’m off work and can get a cocktail, that is.”
I chuckled then waved over the waitress. “What are you getting?”
Stacy turned to the waitress. “Two cosmos.”
“Two?” I asked. “Wow, you weren’t kidding.”
“One is for Char. She’s joining us.”
The little brunette with the fast dog. She’d popped into my head a couple of times since she’d dropped me off at my house. It wasn’t just because she was pretty and drove a truck. She was the only person I’d ever met who didn’t ask me a million questions about my adventures in space. There were a lot of things I never shared with anyone, not even my own family, because they were just so personal. And everyone else asked the dumbest questions they could easily Google the answers to if they wanted. She was refreshing, and slowly, I dropped my guard with her.
The waitress returned with the drinks and placed one beside me.
“So,” Stacy said. “What were you guys talking about?”
Victor took a drink of his beer. “If Neil knows when he’s launching again. He doesn’t have a schedule right now.”
“But you are going back?” Stacy had the exact same reaction as her husband, suppressed disappointment.
I tried to remind myself that they only felt that way because they cared. They wanted me to be safe. They wanted to spend more time with me. Even when I wasn’t in space, I was busy preparing for my next mission, so I didn’t spend much time with them. They’d tolerated it long enough, but they couldn’t handle it much longer. “Yes. Eventually.”
“Oh…” She nodded slowly. “Do you know how long you’ll be up there?”
I shook my head. “Not sure. But at least three months.”
She plastered a fake smile on her face. “Another adventure… That will be nice.”
I liked Stacy for my brother. She was a pretty girl who contributed to the marriage even though my brother made good money. It was obvious she loved him for him, not just for his success and his looks. She was easy to talk to as well, which was nice.
A minute later, Stacy’s best friend walked inside. She wasn’t dressed up the way Stacy was, probably because she worked in a lab on her feet all day. She was in skinny black jeans and a red t-shirt, with her hair up in a slick ponytail. Her legs were long and toned, and her waist was so petite in that tight fabric. With her hair pulled out of her face, it was easy to see her lovely qualities, her green eyes, high cheekbones, and full lips.
And to be frank, she had a gorgeous body.
“Ooh…you already got me a drink.” She moved past my back and sat in the chair beside me. “That’s why we’re best friends.”
“Then you could be best friends with a bartender,” Vic teased. “If that’s what your prerequisites are.” He restrained his smile dismally, teasing her like she was a child he was fond of. It was obvious that my brother loved this girl in a friendly way, which was interesting because he didn’t give affection easily.
She kept drinking from her glass, shooting him a fiery expression. “Stacy used to be a bartender in college, so that makes perfect sense.”
“She has a good point.” Stacy smiled at her husband.
“You never make me a drink at home,” Vic countered.
“Because I make you dinner, do your laundry, and keep that house clean.” Stacy dropped an atomic bomb of attitude on my brother and rightfully so. It was another reason I liked her, because she wasn’t afraid to be real. My brother needed a bold woman like that.
“Word.” Charlotte raised her hand and gave Stacy a high five.
Stacy smacked her palm hard. “That’ll shut him up for a while.”
My brother turned his gaze back to me. “Don’t ever get married, Neil.”
I chuckled. “Thanks for the warning.”
“Oh, shut up,” Stacy said. “You’d be lost without me, and you know it.” She leaned toward him and grabbed him by the front of the shirt. Then she dragged him close and planted a firm kiss on his lips.
Instantly, he melted like a man in love, smiling through the kiss and bringing her closer.
Charlotte turned her gaze on me so she wouldn’t have to watch the make-out session. “They do this a lot. You’d think I would be used to it by now…but nope.” She brought her drink to her lips and took another sip, her lips tightening as they pursed.
I glanced at my brother, who had his mouth still locked on his wife’s, and then turned back to her. “Maybe it’s good I didn’t make the wedding after all.”
“Maybe,” Charlotte said. “We all got a preview of the honeymoon at the reception.” She finished her drink with remarkable speed but didn’t seem affected by the alcohol that had just entered her system. She was a petite woman but one with incredible resistance to booze.
“How’s Torpedo?”
“He’s good. Probably taking a nap on the couch. Once he hears my footsteps and the keys in the door, he jumps off and pretends it never happened.”
“Is he not allowed on the couch?”
“He’s only allowed on the couch where his blanket is because he sheds, but when I come home, there’s always hair on the entire thing. But then he wags his tail when I walk in and gives me that innocent look like he’d never do such a thing… I don’t buy it. But he’s so damn cute that I never do anything about it.”
We had a family dog growing up, and I loved it. As much as I would have liked to have a dog of my own, my hectic life didn’t allow me such luxuries. I basically commuted between work and outer space. I would never be able to leave a pet behind for months or years at a time. “That is tough.”
Vic and Stacy finally ended their make-out session and exchanged a few whispers. Then Vic pulled out his wallet and left some cash on the table. “We’ll catch you later.” He got to his feet and placed his arm around his wife.
“I’m finally on Earth, and you’re gonna run off with some woman?” I asked, teasing him.
He turned back to me before he walked out. “Sex trumps everything.” He hugged his wife into his side and exited the bar, off to get laid.
Charlotte pulled her wallet out of her purse. “They’re cute, aren’t they?”
“Yeah…in a gross way.”
She put her cash on the table for her drink. “Are you still not driving?”
“I’ve got a few more days until I’m cleared.”
“You want a ride, then?”
Smothered in constant attention for the wrong reasons, I was used to people competing for my time. Women were always working to steal my focus, always working to be the woman on my arm and in my bed. I wasn’t a vain man, but that was my reality—it was that simple. But Charlotte didn’t behave like all the others. She was the only young woman I’d ever been around who treated me like a regular person. “You’ll need to let me pay for your gas, then.”
She rolled her eyes. “Don’t be ridiculous. You’re nice to my dog, so that’s payment enough.”
“He’s easy to be nice to.”
I put cash on the table, and then we walked outside. Her truck was parked farther down the sidewalk, the black paint dusty from the fields outside the city. We got inside, and she shifted the gears into reverse so she could pull out and drive away.
I hadn’t noticed it was a stick shift last time she gave me a ride. “You like driving a stick?”
She shifted the gears effortlessly as she got up to speed and headed out of the downtown district. “No. You know how hard it is to drink a Slurpee at the same time?” Once we maintained a constant speed, she released the lever and drove with one hand on the wheel. “And a Slurpee is a necessity when it’s a hundred and ten degrees.”
Imagining this small woman commanding a stick while drinking a large, icy drink was cute. She was a bit of a tomboy but with feminine beauty. I hardly knew her, but it was obvious she could take care of herself. She had a good job and her own apartment, and as far as I could tell, there wasn’t a man in the picture. “Red or blue?”
“Both. But sometimes Coke-flavored.”
I looked out the window and felt my mouth stretch into a slight grin. “I’m a red guy myself.”
“You don’t look like a guy who drinks Slurpees.”
“Meaning?”
“Your teeth are too white. Mine are blue for like two days, no matter how many times I brush my teeth.”
“But it’s worth it.”
“Not when you have a date shortly afterward,” she said with a laugh. “I had a date with this guy two days after my last drink, and it would not come off. So, I went on this date with blue teeth, and he asked if I gave a Smurf a blow job.” She laughed it off like it was a good time rather than an embarrassing memory.
I chuckled, imagining this cute girl with blue teeth sitting across from me at a dinner table. I had a feeling that the guy didn’t mind. “Did you see him again?”
“Nah. He wasn’t my type.”
I looked out the window and noticed she was navigating to my house without a GPS. She somehow remembered the route even though it was pitch-dark last time she drove me home. I was an introverted person who observed life more than participated in it, so I noticed subtle qualities in the people around me. In the limited time I’d been around this woman, she remained an enigma. She was clearly smart and self-sufficient, but more interestingly, she wasn’t intimidated by me at all. She treated me like a regular person, not one of the most famous astronauts in the world. She didn’t try to get a date with me either. Any other single woman would have made a move by now. So this woman was just…real. I hadn’t experienced anything like it in eight years.
When we turned a different direction, the sun hit us right in the face, so she grabbed her sunglasses from the middle compart
ment and placed them on the bridge of her nose. They were aviator sunglasses—and they made her that much cuter.
I tried not to stare. “How was work today?”
“Not too interesting. We had a lot of patients, so we got pretty backed up. And unfortunately, we’re at the mercy of a lot of our machines. We can’t speed up the process to get data any sooner—unless it’s an emergency, of course. What did you do today?”
“I went to work at the Space Center, then met Vic for a drink.”
“If you aren’t driving, how do you get inside the center?”
“They send a car for me.” I sounded like a pretentious jackass, but it was too late to swallow my words and pretend I’d never said them.
She didn’t comment on my response. She made a few turns then pulled up to my house.
“You have a good memory.”
“That’s what people tell me.”
Unfortunately, Laura’s car was in my driveway. When she recognized me in the passenger window, she got out of the car, her long hair blowing in the slight breeze. She wore a smile, but there was a look of jealousy in her eyes at the sight of Charlotte.
Charlotte was hardly a friend, still just an acquaintance, but I felt awkward knowing she could figure out exactly what Laura was to me.
Laura was in Daisy Duke shorts and a skimpy top, and she made sure she was visible to Charlotte, like she was claiming me as her territory. Laura was just a fuck buddy who meant nothing to me, but I meant something to her.
I shouldn’t be embarrassed about what Charlotte could deduce, but I kinda was. “Thank you for the ride.”
“Anytime. Thank you for not judging me for the Slurpee obsession.”
I hopped out of the truck and gave her a slight smile. “Never.”
Charlotte looked past me and stared at Laura in the driveway. “Ooh…your girlfriend doesn’t like me very much.”
“She’s not my—”
Charlotte gave her a big wave with a smile plastered on her face. “Hi!”
