“Listen, Tina! I’m REALLY sorry I missed your mother’s birthday dinner. I’ll make it up to both of you, I promise. I’ll take her to Queasy Cheesy or someplace fancy like that, okay? But right now I’m busy WORKING! I gotta WORK to pay the bills and BUY you nice things, sweetie pie. What? Did I BUY your mother a birthday present? Um . . . Actually, I don’t remember if I— Huh? NO, Tina! You DON’T need to put your mother on the phone so I can APOLOGIZE to her for missing her birthday and not buying her a gift. I don’t have time to talk to her right now. I’m WORKING! Tina! Tina, stop SCREAMING at me! PLEASE! . . .”
I peeked through the window to see if I could spot my comic book.
It just HAD to be in there SOMEWHERE. . . .
And my gut instinct was correct!
I was beyond desperate! So I took a huge risk to try to pull off the CRAZIEST stunt EVER!! . . .
19. I MAKE MY GREAT ESCAPE!
Yes, I know! I KNOW! The STUNT that I’d just pulled off was CRAZY DANGEROUS!
WARNING!: KIDS, DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!!
I realize I was VERY lucky to have made it out of that room alive. But I HAD to get my dad’s comic book back or HE was going to KILL ME!
Thank goodness Ralph was totally distracted by that phone call from his lovely wife, Tina.
Just between you and me, I was personally very SHOCKED by Ralph’s OUTRAGEOUS behavior. I know he is a lowlife, two-bit CROOK!
But what kind of person DITCHES his mother-in-law’s BIRTHDAY dinner, FORGETS to buy her a present, and then REFUSES to sing “Happy Birthday” to her?!
There is no doubt in my mind. RALPH IS A HEARTLESS MONSTER!!
I stood frozen there in the doorway, trying to figure out what to do next.
If Ralph went to the kitchen for a late-night snack and found Moose . . . I was DEAD!
If Ralph went to the gym for a quick workout and found Tucker . . . I was DEAD!
If Ralph came back to the room to get the comic book and found ME with it . . . I was DEAD!
It was quite obvious to me that my work here was DONE! Finally! It was time to get the HECK out of South Ridge Middle School. And as soon as I made it safely out of the building, I was going to call the police.
Then I was going to text Erin to make sure she was okay. I felt pretty awful that she had gotten in trouble with her parents while trying to help ME.
Anyway, Ralph had completely disappeared! As soon as I hit that EXIT door at the end of the hall, this NIGHTMARE was going to be OVER. . . .
When Ralph suddenly appeared out of nowhere like that, I think I PEED and POOPED my pants I almost had a heart attack!
I was so startled, I dropped the comic book. Yes, I dropped it AFTER I had risked my life stealing it from Ralph.
I felt like I was in a REALLY bad nightmare!
You know, where you’re being hunted down by a frightening CREATURE with really sharp teeth AND you get to class and you have a test that you forgot to study for AND the entire class is laughing at you because you’re sitting at your desk in nothing but your underwear.
Yeah, THAT kind of HORRIBLE nightmare!
Ralph roared and grabbed at my head with both arms up like an angry grizzly bear. But I ducked.
Then he grabbed my left arm. But I slammed the door into his body with all my might.
It stunned him and knocked him off-balance just long enough for me to pry my arm out of his grip.
I took off running down the hall. And when I glanced over my shoulder, he was picking up the comic book.
He scowled, shoved it inside his jacket, and came barreling down the hall after me.
My lungs felt tight and it was hard to breathe. But I didn’t know if it was because I was RUNNING or merely FREAKING OUT over the fact that I was out of asthma medication.
One thing was very clear. Anywhere I went in the entire school, Ralph was going to FOLLOW me like a raging, charging bull.
CORRECTION! . . .
Ralph could follow me ANYWHERE in the school EXCEPT for ONE place. . . .
The ventilation system!
20. ATTACK OF THE KILLER TOILET!—PART 2
At the next hallway I hung a right.
The boys’ bathroom on the south end was the closest entry point back into the vents. It was STILL a stinky mess from the little accident I’d had in there earlier.
Come on, people! It wasn’t THAT kind of accident!! Your snarky comment was NOT even funny.
I’d learned the hard way never to ignore a sign in a bathroom that says “VERY Out of Order!” And in spite of everything that had been drilled into me since potty training, there comes a time in life when it is better NOT to FLUSH.
I carefully climbed over the toilet like I was navigating a minefield and somehow made it safely up into the vent.
I felt really SAD about what happened to Ralph. . . .
NOT!!!
Ralph was SO angry, he started yelling not-so-nice things at me as he kicked the gushing toilet. . . .
“LISTEN, KID! WAIT UNTIL I GET MY HANDS ON YOU!! I’M GONNA HUNT YOU DOWN AND RIP YOUR FACE OFF! YOU’RE NEVER GONNA MAKE IT OUT OF HERE ALIVE! THAT’S A PROMISE! DO YOU HEAR ME? DOOO YOOOU HEEEEAR MEEEEEE?!”
It was quite obvious that Ralph was having a complete nervous breakdown.
But a cold shower in stinky black muck that looked and smelled like elephant diarrhea would probably make most people have a meltdown.
I was exhausted and just wanted to go home.
The comic book was a lost cause.
At this point there was no chance WHATSOEVER that I’d get it back from Ralph.
And when my parents found out about all of the trouble I’d caused, I’d be back homeschooling with my grandma by Tuesday.
But the worst part was that I’d probably NEVER see Erin again.
EVER!!
I was sure she probably HATED me by now.
I guess it was nice while it lasted.
Whatever “it” was!
If I was going to make it out of this school alive, I needed to get to an exit ASAP.
That’s when I suddenly remembered that Erin had said her honors biology class had stuff I could use to trap Ralph and was close to the south exit stairwell. So that was exactly where I was headed. . . .
I could hardly wait for this FIASCO to finally be OVER!
21. HOW MY DREAMS WENT RIGHT OUT THE WINDOW
Erin’s biology classroom looked almost identical to my physical science classroom.
However, the biology room had aquariums filled with fish, tanks filled with reptiles, and cages filled with mammals.
There was also an area for insects and arachnids, which contained several huge tarantulas and a half dozen ant farms.
If only Erin hadn’t gotten grounded by her parents! We could have had a BLAST in this room with Ralph!
I was in such a big hurry that I had an accident while I was coming down from the vent.
I could NOT believe I knocked over a half dozen test tubes and glass beakers that were on a nearby shelf. . . .
Since the classroom door was open, the sound of shattering glass echoed through the halls. . . .
CRASH!
I was certain that Ralph heard it!
Sure enough, I had only gotten as far as the window when Ralph came barging into the room. He was covered in muck and smelled really bad.
“Hey, kid! I’m BAACK! And I’ve got something that belongs to you!” he said as he swung the comic book back and forth just to taunt me.
“Hand it over! NOW!” I shouted.
“NO! Since you’ve made ME so miserable, it’s only fair that I make YOU miserable too!” he said.
Then he quickly opened the window and tossed my comic right out of it!
I gasped and shouted . . .
“NOOOOOOO!”
“Bye-bye forever, little comic book!” Ralph jeered as he waved good-bye at my book like he was the criminally insane Joker. “I’m sure the little SNITCH is REALLY going to miss you! He seemed to AD
ORE you so MUCH! But now I’ve set you FREEEEEE!”
Then Ralph turned and faced me. “So, maybe YOU’D like to go out of the window with your comic book friend?! YES?”
Ralph had totally lost it! I think the MEAN Ralph was actually a lot nicer than the CRAZY Ralph.
I turned and ran to the back of the room. That’s when I saw Erin’s rocket and a box of matches.
I quickly lit the rocket and aimed it right at Ralph. I prayed it would scare him away, at least long enough for me to escape from the building! . . .
Ralph was very correct. I HAD missed him.
Erin’s rocket sped right at him, but at the last second it swerved and went right over the top of his head, just barely grazing it. My heart sank!
Sorry, but there was no way Erin should have gotten an A+ on that piece of garbage! I think a D would have been more than generous.
“Pizza Boy FAILS again!” Ralph snarled as he stood at the front of the room laughing at me.
He was right. I was a COMPLETE failure!
As Ralph slowly walked toward me, I noticed the strangest thing. The top of his head was smoking.
He must have caught a glimpse of himself in the window or something, because suddenly he started screaming and running around the room like his hair was on fire. Which was a really logical reaction since his hair actually WAS on FIRE! . . .
At first I was a little worried about leaving Ralph with Tinkerbell like that.
But she actually seemed to like him, because she kept licking his face and trying to play with him. Like a giant ten-foot-long, one-hundred-and-fifty-pound, um . . . PUPPY?
I think it’s safe to assume that Tinkerbell is a very tame animal since she’s a SCHOOL PET.
I had never seen her slithering through the halls SWALLOWING random students and teachers WHOLE!
Come on! HALF of our school population would have been eaten by now. So Tinkerbell HAS to be HARMLESS, right?!
But, of course, I could also be very WRONG about that.
JUST KIDDING!
NOT!!
I took out my cell phone and shot a photo of Ralph. Now I had MUG SHOTS of all THREE burglars!
I thought about sending it to Erin. But she probably wouldn’t see it right away since her parents had confiscated her computer. . . .
OUR MUG SHOT OF RALPH
Erin hadn’t even been gone for an hour yet, and I was ALREADY starting to miss her. FOR REAL!
22. DUMPSTER-DIVING DUDE
I could NOT believe Ralph had actually thrown away my dad’s comic book by tossing it out of a window like that.
That whole fiasco brought back some very TRAUMATIC memories from my childhood. When I was younger, I was totally obsessed with Superman.
And when I found out that his parents had sent him to Earth in a spaceship, I decided to build one too. Right in my bedroom. It took weeks to collect all the supplies and finally finish it.
My plan was for Superman and me to pay a surprise visit to his parents. And while I was hanging out on his home planet, I would acquire superhuman powers TOO!
But my little brother, Oliver, ruined everything when he started WHINING about my very authentic-looking glass SPACE HELMET. . . .
Of course, my parents got an attitude about the whole thing and took Oliver’s side like they always do. Instead of appreciating all of my hard work, they told me to clean up my messy room.
And when I came home from Boy Scouts later that day, I found my wonderful spaceship in the TRASH! I just HATE it when people throw away really important stuff that belongs to me! . . .
Anyway, now that Ralph was out of the way, I rushed over to the window and looked out. . . .
I couldn’t believe my eyes! My comic book had actually landed right on top of a strange-looking tube-shaped structure that was attached to the school building.
It also looked like workers were putting a new roof on that section of the school building.
I saw cones, a barricade, and a sign that said “DANGER! WORK ZONE,” which meant no one was allowed in that area. But I had an EMERGENCY!
So I carefully climbed out of the window, hung from the windowsill, and lowered myself down onto the roof.
It was pretty dark outside, but the roof was lit up by a light that was attached to a security camera.
I ran over, dropped to my knees, and reached for the comic book. But it slipped down into the giant tube.
I lunged after it and completely lost my balance. Suddenly I was falling! And I kept falling . . .
And falling! . . .
Until . . .
23. WHEN LIFE IS A DUMPSTER!
I wasn’t sure how I had ended up in that Dumpster. I just lay there, stunned and completely in shock.
Yes, I was ALIVE.
No, it didn’t feel like I had broken any bones.
Yes, the school’s computers were safe.
No, the burglars weren’t PROWLING around.
But STILL! I felt just HORRIBLE! The comic book was missing! And after I explained WHY, my parents were going to snatch me out of here to be homeschooled with my grandma. And I’d probably NEVER see Erin again.
ALL of that was just WRONG on so many levels!
Then the strangest thing happened. Stuff started raining down on my head out of the garbage chute. . . .
My journal. My pen. My flashlight. Erin’s cell phone. And finally . . .
DAD’S COMIC BOOK!!
Maybe my life wasn’t so CRUDDY after all.
Luckily, I had landed on what appeared to be the cot from the nurse’s office, which apparently she’d recently tossed out. I had spent many hours in her office lying on that lumpy thing, trying to recover from my encounters with Thug. I’d recognize the smell anywhere. Yes, it REEKED of sweat, pee, and vomit, but I didn’t even care.
I was so shaken up by everything that had just happened, I probably smelled WORSE! Especially after Ralph had GRABBED me in the dark from behind that door like that. Hey, don’t laugh. If he had grabbed YOU, you would have POOPED your pants too! No doubt.
One thing is for sure! Ralph should be VERY THANKFUL that when he startled me like that, I didn’t go into NINJA mode and give him a good BEATDOWN! No joke.
I was totally bummed when I discovered that the cell phone was completely BUSTED. But the battery was probably DEAD by now anyway. So I wouldn’t be calling the police (or anyone else, for that matter) anytime soon.
But at least I had my dad’s COMIC BOOK back! And, miraculously, it didn’t even look like it had just been through World War III.
SWEET!!
I suddenly felt inspired to write a rap. . . .
TOSS THE BAD! (A RAP WRITTEN BY COOL MAX C.)
This might look like
a bunch of TRASH!
But call it ANTIQUE
and it’s COLD, HARD CASH!
I’ve got a G.I. Joe
with a missing head.
Three busted iPods,
the batteries dead.
Eighty-nine pounds
of mystery meat.
Forty gym socks that
STINK like feet.
Five broken skateboards,
not a thrill!
Moldy baloney
that’ll make you ILL!
A rusted lock.
Old Lego blocks.
A busted clock.
A gray pet rock.
A dirty pink hat.
A dead brown rat.
A fat stuffed cat.
An old cracked bat.
Odds were against me.
I thought I’d fail!
Now three crooks
are going to jail!
I was down in the dumps,
now I’m riding HIGH!
My lyrics are grungy,
but my style is FLY!
One dude’s trash
is another dude’s treasure!
YOUR inner WORTH
no one can measure!
When life is a DUMPSTER,
don’t get MAD!<
br />
EMBRACE the good,
and TOSS the BAD!
24. BLINDED BY THE LIGHT
Overall, I was feeling pretty good. I couldn’t wait to tell Erin everything that had happened.
If I hadn’t been sitting on top of a giant pile of trash in a Dumpster, I would have broken into my victory dance.
So I just did it inside my HEAD instead. But only for about fourteen seconds.
WHY?!
Because that’s how long it took me to figure out I was NOW completely trapped inside a fifteen-foot-tall brick enclosure.
A LOCKED fifteen-foot-tall brick enclosure!
Even standing on the top of the Dumpster on my tippy toes, I STILL came up short from the top of the wall.
Which meant there was no way out. . . .
That’s when it hit me like a ton of bricks!
The authorities were NOT going to find my DEAD BODY in my locker. Or even in the boiler room.
I sighed deeply and muttered aloud, “PLEASE tell me they’re NOT going to find my dead body in a Dumpster full of garbage in the back of this school?!!”
That’s when I heard a familiar voice.
“Okay, I’ll tell you. Max, they’re NOT going to find your dead body in a Dumpster full of garbage in the back of this school!” Erin giggled.
I grabbed the broken cell phone and shrieked happily, “ERIN! IS THAT YOU? YOU’RE BACK! It’s a miracle this cell is even working! It’s completely busted!”
“Yes, I can see that. But you can stop shouting into that busted phone. I’m right here. Look up!”
Suddenly a bright light in my face blinded me. . . .
“What are YOU doing here?!” I gasped.
“Well, actually, it’s kind of a long story.”
“Hey, I’m stuck in a Dumpster. All I’ve GOT is time! And two busted ortho retainers, forty dirty gym socks, seventeen empty toilet paper rolls, five partially eaten PB and J sandwiches, eighty-nine pounds of rotting mystery meat, etc.,” I snarked.
The Misadventures of Max Crumbly 2: Middle School Mayhem Page 5
