by Tara Sivec
“What are you talking about? I totally touched her boobs!” Claire argues.
“Let me explain how this works here, Claire,” Drew explains. “That girl right there who you just fondled, we already imagined that her name was Star and she was just working here part time to save enough money to go to another country to learn how to be a bendy contortionist. At night, she goes home to her one bedroom apartment that she shares with two other equally hot girls, and before they go to bed each night, they have naked pillow fights. Now, that illusion is ruined. She’s not hot anymore. She’s a smart chick who knows how to read and write. Where’s the fun in that?”
Liz is still on my lap, and I tap her shoulder to get her to move because my legs are starting to fall asleep.
“Hey, Liz. Get up, I need to pee,” I tell her.
“Um, I think she’s asleep,” Carter says.
Right then, her head falls back onto my shoulder, and I can hear her lightly snoring.
“Well, I guess that’s it for us,” Jim says, scooping Liz up in his arms. “You guys coming? I’m going to go outside and call a cab.”
Carter grabs Claire’s hand and helps her up from the table and they all turn and look at me and Drew.
“Yeah, we’re right behind you,” Drew tells them as he starts to get up.
I know for a fact he doesn’t want to leave right now. We’ve never left the strip club this early. He’s only doing it for me because he assumes I’m going to want to leave and go home to bed, which I would have absolutely done a week ago. But now? He has reminded me this week about all of the reasons I fell in love with him. I don’t know how he finally figured out what I needed from him, but he did. And he doesn’t hesitate to do all of those things. There is no way I can just NOT do something for him that I know he needs.
I grab his hand and pull him back down to his seat next to me.
“That’s okay, guys. We’re going to stick around here. We’ll just call our own cab.”
Everyone leaves and Drew and I are alone at the table, our hands still clutched together, resting on top of Drew’s thigh.
“You really want to stay? Are you sure?” he asks.
I lean forward and run my tongue along his top lip, letting go of his hand and sliding my hand up his thigh until I reach the bulge in his jeans. He immediately grabs the back of my head and deepens the kiss. Our tongues swirl around each other, and I can feel him growing hard beneath my hand.
I’ve missed this so much. I’ve missed wanting him like this. I’ve missed kissing him and thinking only about kissing him instead of folding clothes, orders at work, and whether or not I paid the cable bill. What the hell was I thinking when I told him I wanted normal sex? I suddenly really want to try out that thing we talked about last year with a bowl of mashed potatoes and a ride-on lawn mower.
Drew breaks off the kiss and pulls back to look into my eyes.
“I love you, baby. I know I haven’t said that in a while and I’m sorry. I’m going to do better,” he tells me.
“Oh, Drew! You don’t need to do any better. I love you too. I’ve just been so tired, and I should have said something sooner. I’m so sorry things got so crazy,” I tell him.
“No, I’m the one who is sorry. You have nothing to apologize for. I should have realized sooner that you needed more help, but you know I’m an idiot when it comes to stuff like that. If you don’t write it down and staple it to my dick, I’m going to be clueless,” he explains.
“I would never staple anything to your dick. I love it too much!” I tell him with a smile.
“Speaking of my dick-”
“Yes! We are totally having lots of sex tonight,” I interrupt him excitedly.
“No, that’s not what I was getting at, but it’s good to know,” he says with a smile. “What I mean is, if you just want vanilla sex, then vanilla sex is what I will give you. I don’t care if we never use those bungee cords or the box of saltine crackers again. I don’t care if we never see Officer O’Connor again because he won’t be knocking on our door to tell us there’s been a noise complaint. I don’t even care if the diamond studded dog collar and French maid outfit that fits me like a glove has to go back to the store. I don’t care about anything but being with you, whatever way I can, anyway that you’ll have me.”
With the biggest smile I’ve had in a long time, I stand up and pull Drew with me.
“Let’s go home. I have a surprise for you.”
Chapter 28 – Peeping Ghost
I mean every word I say when I tell my girl I will have plain old vanilla sex for the rest of my life as long as I can do it with her. After the last few months, I realize I don’t care about anything but being with her. She is my best friend and my life, and I will do whatever she wants me to do as long as she’s happy. I had been stupid when I got mad about never having crazy, dirty sex ever again. While it’s true that wild and sometimes bordering on illegal sex is what brought us together, it’s not what has kept us together.
The taxi just drops us off from the strip club and Jenny is leading me by the hand into the house and up the stairs. She had mentioned a surprise at the club and I’ve been hard ever since, knowing that the surprise will more than likely include her getting naked. And if we’re just going to get on the bed and have missionary sex with the lights off, I’m okay with that.
She leads me into our bedroom and stops in front of the bed, turning around to face me.
“Okay, I lied. I actually have two surprises for you,” she tells me with a smile. “Close your eyes.”
I do as she asks and feel her place one of my hands on top of her belly, sliding it down into the waistband of her pants. In just a few seconds, my fingers slide over perfectly smooth, hairless skin. My eyes fly open and I stare down into her face that has a huge smile on it while she holds my hand in place.
“Did you get waxed?” I ask her in awe.
She nods her head, her mouth opening to reply but letting out a small gasp instead when my fingers graze the top of her clit.
“This is the best present ever!” I tell her softly as my fingers dip even lower and glide through her wetness.
Jenny lets go of the grip she has on my hand and clutches onto both of my shoulders as I use two of my fingers to pull some of her wetness up and circle her clit.
“Oh Jesus….wait, stop!” Jenny exclaims suddenly, putting a hand back on top of my wrist to stop me.
As much as I want to curl up in the fetal position, cry, and suck my thumb like a baby right now, I won’t. If she doesn’t want to do this, I will be a big boy and not have a temper tantrum. I will respect my wife’s wishes.
I will not cry, I will not cry, I will not cry.
“Okay, we can stop. You want to just cuddle?” I ask her, trying not to let my voice quiver.
She looks at me funny for a minute and then lets out a small laugh.
“Oh hell no! There will be no cuddling tonight. I just need to give you your second present,” she tells me.
“OH HOLY MOTHER OF PEARL, THANK GOD!” I yell, leaning down and resting my forehead against hers.
“Close your eyes again,” she tells me softly.
Once again, I do exactly as she says. I can hear clothing rustling, and I start doing a little Cabbage Patch dance action with my arms knowing that Jenny is taking her clothes off. I hear some other noise that almost sounds like creaking but whatever. My wife is getting naked, and I don’t give a rat’s ass about anything else.
Unless that creaking means there’s a ghost in the house. I’ve heard some strange noises every once in a while late at night and always wondered if the house is haunted. I bet it is. I bet that freaky little fucker wants to watch us have sex. Fine with me, buddy, enjoy the show. Just don’t touch my ass at all during the event or I will call the Winchester brothers from Supernatural. Dean and Sam will fuck you up! I had a strange hand touch my ass one time in college during a threesome, and that’s just something you don’t get over. Random ass touching scares
me more than spiders.
“Okay, you can open them,” Jenny says.
I slowly open my eyes and really, she should have prepared me a little for the sight I am currently seeing. I don’t know whether to drop to my knees and pray or have a heart attack.
“Oh, Willie Nelson. Are you…are we…this is…I…biscuits.”
I can’t even form a coherent sentence right now. My awesome wife is currently naked, lounging in the baby swing, er, I mean sex swing. Our sex swing is really a sex swing! Our sex swing is going to be used for sex and swinging and swinging sex!
Wait, no. Not swinging sex. We’re not swingers. No one else can enter this bedroom while we’re naked. Okay, scratch that. If a couple of naked chicks suddenly walk in, I certainly wouldn’t kick them out.
“Come over here, hot stuff, and bang me in the sex swing,” Jenny says as she curls her finger, beckoning me over.
I’m pretty sure I’ve never moved so fast in my life. My shirt is flung across the room, I shove my jeans and boxers down to my ankles, and start to run over. Unfortunately, it’s really fucking hard to run with pants around your ankles and I face plant into the carpet.
“Oh my gosh! Drew, are you okay?” Jenny asks me with concern.
“Fine! Totally fine! Don’t move!” I tell her as I quickly crawl on all fours over to the corner of the room.
I grab onto the swing on either side of Jenny’s thighs and use it to pull me up so I can stand between her legs.
“You’re a dirty, slutty man,” Jenny tells me in a sultry voice.
Oh my God! Oh my God!
I giggle, yes giggle, and start bouncing excitedly on my toes.
“I think you should push me on the swing with your ginormous cock, slutty man,” she tells me as she leans forward, grabs onto my hips, and pulls me closer to her on the swing until my “ginormous cock” is pushing against her entrance.
Porno Jenny! Porno Jenny is back! Hallelujah, praise Paula Abdul, Porno Jenny is back!
She wraps her legs around my hips and uses her thigh muscles to pull me closer, my cock sliding deeper. We both groan and I stop halfway in when I hear creaking.
I whip my head around and shoot a dirty look over my shoulder to the whole room in general.
Stop moving around, ghost! You’re breaking my concentration. If you’re going to watch, do it quietly. AND DON’T TOUCH MY ASS!
I turn my head back around and concentrate on the task at hand. Swinging my dick into my hot wife.
Ha ha! Did I totally just make up an awesome pun or what?!
“Do me hard, you dirty slut,” Jenny whispers.
Oh hell yeah! It’s fucking ON!
I push the rest of the way inside of her heat, and I want to stop and savor the feeling of being back inside my wife but the swing is swaying and causing me to rock my hips against her.
“This swing is fucking awesome!” I tell her as I grab onto her thighs, pull my dick almost all the way out of her, and then slam back home.
Jenny lets out a gasp and throws her arms above her head to grab onto the straps of the swing. I start moving faster and harder, the force of my thrusts causing the swing to really begin swaying from front to back. It’s a little awkward and I have to concentrate on not falling. When the swing moves forward, I have to quickly shuffle my feet and follow it so my dick doesn’t fall out of Jenny. Then, when it swings back, I have to quickly shuffle my feet forwards, or else it’s going to clothesline my thighs, and I’m going to land on my ass on the floor.
I really should have taken my pants all the way off. This shit is hard! Ooooh, another pun right there, motherfuckers!
I’m basically waddling back and forth with the motion of the swing while at the same time, thrusting my hips in and out of Jenny. It’s like trying to pat your head and rub your stomach at the same time.
“Oh yes! Faster, faster!” Jenny screams.
Oh my God, the pressure! If I go any faster this swing is going to take me out at the knees! I need to make this swing my bitch and show it who’s boss.
I plant my feet as wide apart as I can with my jeans still wrapped around my ankles, let go of Jenny’s thighs, and wrap my hands around the straps that hang from the ceiling to stop the swing from swaying so much. It takes a minute to get it to stop, and I have to arch my back as far as I can, raise one of my knees, and push it against Jenny’s ass under the swing to finally get it to stop moving.
“Yes! Keep doing that! Rub my ass with your knee, you whore!” Jenny shouts.
I am nothing if not attentive to my wife’s needs right now, so I do as she asks. I hold onto the swing straps with both hands, lean back, keep my leg up, and rub my knee back and forth against her ass under the swing and keep moving my hips, thrusting in and out of her.
Jenny is moving her hips and pushing against me as I bang the hell out of her while trying to keep the swing in place. Around her moans of pleasure I hear another loud creak and I roll my eyes.
Seriously, ghost. Cut that shit out. I know you’re there; you don’t need to advertise it. Keep it down while you ghostly masturbate over there!
“I’m sorry I ever said anything about your vagina being floppy. It’s totally not like fucking a sloppy joe at all! You feel so good baby!” I tell her as I continue to pound into her, sweat breaking out on my forehead with all the things I have to remember to do to keep the swing in place.
“Call me a tramp!” Jenny shouts as she lets go of the grip she has on one of the swing straps, slides her hand down the front of her body, and starts moving her fingers against her clit.
Fuck, best day ever! Even with the pervy ghost in the corner and my arm and leg muscles threatening to give out.
“WHO’S MY TRAMP?! WHO’S MY DIRTY HOOKER TRAMP?!” I shout as I pick up the pace and slam into her harder while her fingers move furiously over her clit.
“ME! ME! I’M YOUR DIRTY HOOKER TRAMP! PAY ME, BIG DADDY, PAY ME!” she shouts.
“I’M GOING TO GIVE YOU A SEVENTY-FIVE PERCENT TIP, YOU DIRTY WHORE!”
“YES! YES! GIVE ME THE TIP! GIVE ME THE TIP!” Jenny screams.
I know she’s only a second away from coming which is a damn good thing because I can’t hold off any longer. My balls are about to explode like a fucking geyser.
“I’M GOING TO GIVE YOU A TIP AND LEAVE YOU SOME MINTS! YOU WANT SOME FUCKING MINTS, YOU LITTLE SLUT?!” I yell in excitement as she tightens her thighs around my waist, and I feel her orgasm rush through her and squeeze my cock like a vise.
“OH MY GOD! GIVE ME THE MINTS! OH FUCK, I’M COMING! MINTS, MINTS, MINTS! YES, YES!”
She’s thrashing her head and bucking her hips against me, and there’s nothing I can do to stop the swing from swaying, so I just hold on tight to the straps and thrust into her with all I’ve got, feeling my own orgasm tingle through my balls. I hear another creak, this one louder than all the others.
“YOU LIKE THAT, GHOST? HUH?! YOU LIKE BEING A PERVY CREEPER, JERKIN’ YOUR GHOSTLY GHERKIN?” I shout into the corner of the room.
Just as my orgasm barrels up through me and I start coming, I feel a hand on my ass and scream as loud as I can in fear while still plunging in and out of Jenny.
“EEEEEEEK! I’M COMING! HOLY SWEET AND SOUR CHICKEN, I’M COMING AND THERE’S A GHOST TOUCHING MY ASS!”
Mid orgasm, I reach back to swat the ghost’s hand off my ass and hear another creak, followed by a loud ripping sound and this orgasm feels so fucking good right now that I’m not really concerned with the fact that the pervert poltergeist is making so much noise.
While smacking my hand on my ass to keep the ghost away from it, I thrust as hard as I can one last time and the orgasm finishes so good it almost feels like I’m falling.
“OW! SON OF A BITCH!” Jenny screams.
I open my eyes and quickly realize that feeling of falling really was a feeling of falling. I’m sprawled on top of Jenny on the floor with my penis still buried in her and bits and pieces of our ceiling littered in chunks all around
us. I reach up and wipe a bunch of white dust off of Jenny’s face and hair, and she ruffles her hand through my hair, dust and debris falling down onto her chest.
I crane my neck and look up at the giant hole in our ceiling.
“Wow, guess I should have secured that a little better, huh?”
Jenny just laughs and wraps her arms around my shoulders, pulling me down to her lips.
“Let’s do it again. Go get the Skittles in the kitchen, a wooden spoon, and two containers of purple Play-Doh.”
Chapter 29 – Vagina Skittles
“Um, Whitney Houston, we have a problem.”
Jenny sits up on her elbows and stares down at me lying on my stomach between her legs with my face resting on her hipbone.
“Problem? What problem? I was almost there, keep going,” she complains, letting her head fall back to the pillows.
“Yeah, and that would be the problem. I can’t keep going, they’re stuck.”
Her head flies back up off of the pillow, and she slides her body up the bed until she’s resting her back against the headboard, my head slipping off of her hip as she goes.
“Stuck?! What the hell do you mean stuck?!” she screeches.
I push myself up onto my knees and point between her legs.
“Stuck, as in, probably not coming out anytime soon because it was too slippery and they just sort of, shot off, deep into the heart of Texas,” I explain with a shrug.
“I’m confused. Are you comparing my vagina to Texas? Is that a good thing or a bad thing?” she asks, momentarily forgetting the problem at hand.
“Well, you don’t mess with Texas and everything is bigger in Texas, just like you don’t mess with your vagina and…”
She raises her eyebrow and glares at me.
“Your vagina is NOT big. Or large or in charge. Okay, it’s totally in charge but it’s not large. We will not be renaming your vagina Large Marge so don’t even give me that look. Your vagina is tiny and perfect and warm and cuddly, just like it should be,” I explain.
