by Tay Marley
Because we wanted to climb together, we had to ask a couple of the staff to belay us, which was no problem since it was still quiet. We checked our carabiners, thanked the two belayers, and then started climbing the green walls with multicolored rocks.
“So,” Amber said as we climbed, one foot up, the next foot up. “Aside from the situation, how was Colorado?”
“Basically, the happiest I’ve ever been in my entire life,” I said.
“Really?”
My foot slid off the little rock I’d tried to put it on, so I stretched farther for the sturdier one. Amber was right, the focus that this activity required was distracting. “The Laheys are really good people, you know? Super kind and welcoming. I mean, Noah was a bit of a dick but not enough to ruin it.”
“What’s his problem?”
“It’s hard to tell. I think he’s sort of jealous of Leroy. Leroy is super athletic and good at football and stuff, which his dad loves. But Noah is book smart, and he thinks his dad doesn’t care about that as much. It’s kind of sad. He’s wrong too. His dad is so proud of him.”
We were starting to get tired, that much was obvious. It was a tall climb, so we went the rest of the way in silence, and when we finally got to the top, we hoisted ourselves onto the ledge and sat with our feet hanging over. The belayers at the bottom were chatting and gave us a thumbs-up to let us know that we were good here for a minute.
“It looks so far down from here,” Amber said.
“I always forget that we have to go down again afterward,” I said, my stomach turning over at the thought of falling, even though I knew that the belayers would lock our carabiners before we could get even halfway down. “How are things going with Eric?”
Amber smiled. “So good, chick. He’s so sweet and funny. The boy makes me laugh all the time. I love that.”
“He is super nice. I love how he talks.”
“Right,” she agreed with excitement. “He’s so sophisticated and has all the cutest little nicknames. Everyone is ‘gorgeous’ and ‘beautiful’ to him.”
“I know. You could be having the worst day and he’d say, how’s it going, gorgeous? and it’s a surge of good vibes.”
“Totally,” Amber was cheesing. “Usually I’d go postal if my man called another woman gorgeous but it’s different with him. It’s so innocent. It’s one of my favorite things about him.”
“I don’t know what to do, Ambs,” I quietly said. “I actually just have no idea how to move forward.”
She didn’t say anything for a while and then she rested her head on my shoulder. “Want my honest opinion?”
“Sure.”
“Tell Leroy that you want to keep the baby, tell your momma to be quiet and be supportive, and go back to Colorado. That family will take care of you.”
“I don’t know if I do want to keep the baby. I mean, I do. But I know that I want to keep it for the fairy-tale version of this situation. I know the smart thing to do is give it up for adoption. Even if that’s not what I want, that’s what I should do. None of that makes any sense, does it?”
“It does,” she said. “It’s not wrong to want the fairy tale, though, girl. Even Cinderella struggled before she lived in the castle. It might be hard, but hell, it might be worth it. Only you can decide if you want to take the risk.”
“I know,” I said, still no closer to having a decision.
I spent the entire week debating what to do. There was a long list of possible options that rotated themselves over in my mind. The first being, call Leroy. Or call his mom to ask for help. Running away was starting to sound more and more appealing with every angry look that Momma shot me from across the room too. But no matter how many new options I came up with, the same counter thought came along: It wasn’t fair to Leroy.
I would have to depend on him so much. I didn’t want to be that person. I didn’t want to jeopardize his future or become a burden. When I thought about it with logic, adoption was not only in our best interest, but the child’s too. My mind went back and forth, wondering if I should just save myself the turmoil and terminate. It was like a game of ping-pong going on inside my head. But the ball always landed in the adoption court. I’d given this child a face, fallen in love with it. Even if I didn’t get to raise it, at least it would have the best upbringing that it could.
Amber was also right, though—I had to tell Leroy something. The radio silence must have been killing him and that hurt to think about.
“Ellie,” Momma knocked on the door while I lay in bed and thought about what a mess I had made. “We should think about booking that appointment with the OB-GYN and contacting the adoption agency.”
I pulled the covers farther over my head so that she couldn’t see me grimace. How was I going to cope when it came time to actually give my baby up when the thought of doing so already made me feel so sick? I was eighteen. I shouldn’t have had to feel so submissive.
“Momma, we’ve got time,” I mumbled from the dark of my comforter. “Can we just . . . not?”
“You can’t put it off for long, Ellie.” The mattress dipped as she sat down beside me. “And you need to see an OB-GYN sooner rather than later.”
I could call Leroy, tell him that I want to have a child with him. His mom could help. I could try to get my old job at the pharmacy back. But what if she doesn’t want me to keep the child either? Leroy would struggle juggling college football and a baby. It could ruin his chances of a career. I couldn’t be responsible for that.
The thoughts screamed at me, my chest tightened, and I felt sick with confusion the longer I thought about it. No matter what I chose, someone was going to be disappointed in me. A relationship would be ruined on either side of the spectrum. I had never been so conflicted, ever. And just when I thought I was content with a choice, my mind went into overdrive again. Ping-pong. Back and forth, back and forth. It was draining.
“I think that I’m going to go down to the community college and look at the business course sign-ups,” I said, flicking the blanket back and swinging my legs over the side of the bed. “It’d be best to get in and get it sorted. I might need a job or something as well. My savings have dwindled a little.”
Momma stood up and followed me around the room while I organized an outfit for the morning. “That’s what you’re going to do with your day? You have more important things to concern yourself with, Ellie.”
I turned around and stared at her with disbelief. “Isn’t that the point in this decision that you’ve made for me? That it’s to benefit my future? Well, that’s what I’m doing, Momma.”
“Drop the attitude,” she warned. “This isn’t a choice that I’ve made for you—you made it when you decided to be foolish and irresponsible. I really thought you’d have been smarter after knowing what I went through when I was a teenager. Is this the life you want to end up with? A shoebox of a house and no damn career? You made this choice, Ellie. You want that baby, you go ahead and get out of this house. I’m not living through the consequences of stupidity ever again.”
It was true that she had always been vocal about the importance of abstinence and the fact that she didn’t want me to go through what she had. But she’d never said it in such a vicious way. In a way that made it sound as if I was at fault for the life that she’d led. I didn’t know how to respond. So I didn’t say anything at all. I clutched the shirt in my hand and resisted the urge to scream and demand some damn space. I’d just end up grounded and I needed out of this house.
“Fine, go to the college,” she said. “I’ve got work.”
“Can I get a ride into town?” I asked as she began to leave the room.
“No. Take a bus.”
The weather was ridiculously hot when I stepped off the bus about two blocks from the college in the mid-afternoon. I fanned myself as I looked from left to right before crossing the road. My cute little red
floral sundress did little to relieve the heat. All I wanted to do was lie in a bath of cold water. But I needed a distraction, something to take my mind off things. I figured that sorting my business course was a good use of time.
The walk to the college wasn’t long, but I was sweating by the time I got there, and it felt disgusting. The office was air-conditioned, and surprisingly there were a lot of people hanging around the photocopiers and desks. I thought for sure that because of the summer break, it would be mostly empty. I suppose even the staff still had things that needed to be done before the new semester commenced.
The conversation with the receptionist was brief. She handed me some information booklets and applications to fill out. I stuffed the papers into my bag and left, feeling grateful for a distraction in the form of reading material and applications.
I’d planned for that to take a lot longer than it did, so as I walked back to the bus stop, I wondered if there was anything else that I could do in town. And then the aroma of a café hit me, making my mouth water—the smell of fresh bread, the hot savories, the coffee. I stared through the windows with longing, feeling resentment toward the people who could consume caffeine without guilt.
Realizing that I had enough cash for a bus home and that was it, I kept walking and had gone about four feet when a masculine voice called out for me.
“Ellie!”
Turning around, I saw Amber and Eric walking hand in hand. They waved when I stopped, waiting for them to catch up. “Hey,” I said. “What’s going on?”
Eric beamed as he pointed over his shoulder. “You want to grab some lunch with us?”
“Oh . . . I don’t have any cash right now.”
“My treat,” he held up his hand when I tried to argue. “I got it, girl. Come on, Amber told me that she wants hot fries and soft serve. As in . . . together. Is that normal?”
Amber and I looked at each other and laughed as we headed back to the café that I had been lingering outside of just a few minutes earlier. “I don’t think it’s normal,” I said. “But it’s more popular than you’d expect.”
“Sounds awful,” he held the door open and we headed inside. My stomach rumbled and I hadn’t realized how starved I was until the aroma of hot food was all around me.
“You’re going to try fries dipped in soft serve,” Amber pointed at Eric. “And you’re going to love it, I promise.”
His narrow stare was disbelieving as we stood in line. “We’ll see, Prez.”
We ordered our food and sat down at a free table with the number card. As hungry as I was, I didn’t want to order too much, considering I wasn’t paying for it. A bowl of fries and a soda would do for now. I was just grateful to be with friends after the week that I’d had. Isolation was draining. It took a huge toll on a person and I hadn’t realized how desperate I was to be with familiar people until we were sitting across from one another.
We made small talk while we waited for our food. What we’d been up to for the last week, what our plans were for the rest of summer. Amber was kindly acting as though nothing was out of the ordinary in front of Eric too. The food came to our table after a long ten-minute wait.
“All right,” Amber said, pushing her locs behind her shoulder as she twisted in her seat to face Eric. She ran a fry through her soft serve and held it out to him, disgust twisting his mouth. “You promised that you would taste it. It’s good. You’ll be surprised.”
He was reluctant but he finally let her pop it into his mouth, and after he’d made a big show of chewing and tasting, he shook his head. “Nope, not a fan. I don’t dig the sweet and savory thing. It’s weird.”
“I agree,” I said.
“You two are so plain,” Amber dismissed and helped herself, enjoying her combination.
“So,” Eric said and looked at me. “Heard Cass and Noah made it official. Yikes. How’s that going?”
“Oh . . . it’s going fine, I suppose. The dysfunction is still the same but I can tell that Noah is trying. I think that’s what counts.” I hadn’t talked to any of them in a week, so I didn’t even know if they were still a thing, but I suspected Eric didn’t know what was going on and didn’t want him to wonder why I hadn’t called Leroy.
“Cass is the one that was on the call with you, right?” Amber asked and I nodded.
“That girl has been a good friend since I was a kid, but damn, she has never known how to pick them.” Eric wistfully shook his head.
“Aren’t you and Noah friends too?”
“Ha,” Eric basically shouted. “No. I put up with him because he’s Leroy’s brother, but that fool does my head in. Arrogant little shit. Plus, the way that he treats Cass.”
That wasn’t entirely surprising. I could see how Noah and Eric would clash but Eric did well at hiding how he felt. Although, I’d only seen them in the same setting once so that might have been the reason that I’d been oblivious to the animosity.
I didn’t want the afternoon to end when we’d finished eating and stood up to leave. Outside on the pavement, I asked Eric for the time and he lifted his wrist to check his watch.
“Just after two.”
“You should come and hang out with us.” Amber gave me a nudge. “We’re going to the hotel that Eric is staying at and having some drinks. A few more friends will be coming over later tonight for a little party, I guess. It’ll be tame, though, I promise.”
“It’s fine,” I said, knowing that she was assuring me it would be safe for my pregnant condition. “You’re staying at a hotel?”
“As if Mom would let him stay with us,” Amber mumbled. “I told her that we met a few months ago and kept in contact over the phone, which she was chill about. But you know Mom. There was no chance she’d let me have a boy sleeping in the house. I can’t wait for college.”
She had a point. Our mothers were almost on par with how rigid their rules were. Amber was so lucky, having an escape, college, freedom.
“I’ll need to call Momma from the hotel if that’s okay. Just to let her know that I’ll be out.”
“Yeah, of course,” Eric said as we climbed into a rental car. I took the backseat.
During the drive, I let the lovebirds converse and attempted not to sob over the fact that I missed Leroy so much. What was he doing right now? How is he? He was probably upset and confused about why he hadn’t heard from me since I left. Stress and panic rose at a rapid pace. Like it was going to simmer over, and I’d need to be physically sick.
Eric was staying in a small one-level motel. The single room was basic with a bed, chest of drawers, and a little kitchenette. Amber used the phone first to call her mom and let her know that she’d be out for the evening. She was given permission but had to return home for dinner first. Eric let her borrow the car and I phoned Momma while they stepped out to say goodbye.
I knew that she wouldn’t be home, so I left a message on the answering machine and told her that I was catching up with Amber at her house. It meant that I didn’t have to have an actual conversation with her. It meant that I didn’t have to hear the resentment in her voice when she spoke to me.
I was hanging up the phone when Eric ducked back inside with a genuine grin etched into his features. I knew that feeling well and I felt so happy for my best friend to know that she had a decent man. Especially considering they would be at the same college.
“She won’t be long,” he said as he strolled toward the kitchenette and retrieved a couple of glasses from the cabinet. When he pulled open the mini fridge, there was a selection of alcohol in miniature bottles. “Want one?”
“Oh, just a water will be fine, I suppose.”
He grabbed a bottle of vodka and let the fridge swing shut. He handed me the water and mixed his drink with some apple juice before switching on the radio, an all-too-familiar song was on. “Don’t Want to Miss a Thing.”
My chest ti
ghtened at the memory of Leroy singing this song to me in his kitchen just a couple of weeks ago. I could almost feel his hands on me again, hear his voice whispering beside me, smell his intoxicating cologne and natural musk.
“Hey, what’s wrong, honey?” Eric wrapped his arm around my shoulder and let me lean into his hold as I fell apart. I wanted to blame the hormones, but I knew that it was just me. “Is this about Leroy?”
I nodded, taking a deep breath and attempting to dry my cheeks.
“What’d he do? I’ll hit him if he’s acting up.”
I laughed. An ugly choked sob of a laugh. “No, he’s perfect. It’s me. I fucked everything up.”
“You just cursed. Must be bad.”
I nodded again as he rubbed my shoulder and let me lean on him. As much as I didn’t want to drag him into the middle of such a shit-show, I had the desperate urge to vent. So, I told Eric everything and cried while he comforted me through the erratic rambling.
“Please don’t say anything to Leroy,” I blubbered after I was done offloading. Eric pursed his lips like he didn’t want to agree to keeping such a secret from him. “Eric, please. Please don’t tell him.”
“I just don’t think giving up your baby for adoption without telling him is the right thing to do,” he gently said. “I would want to know. So would he. Plus, he’d support you if that’s what you need. I know him, and I know that he would do anything for you.”
“That’s why I want to keep him out of it. I don’t want him to jeopardize his future for me. Or feel burdened. Plus, my mom—”
“Yeah, that’s the other thing,” he cut me off and stood up. “You’re letting your mom decide something so major. It’s messed up, girl.”
I didn’t expect him to understand. Most teenagers didn’t give a shit what their parents thought. But that’s not how I was raised. I was raised to respect, be truthful, and do what I was told or face consequences. My momma had always known what was best for me and I wanted to believe that she still did. Even if it was tearing me apart.
