by Lori Foster
Josh felt tense enough to explode, but he held it together for Amanda. “Has it been retold since then?”
“No. Well, not until I just told you.” She put her sandwich back down and folded her hands on the table. “When I got my job at the mall, right out of college, I met another nice guy. He wasn’t like the first. He wasn’t overly popular or loud. He was the new manager, shy and studious, eight years older than me. We dated for six months and he was so patient, I really hoped… But I just couldn’t.”
Talking about it, thinking about her with other men, especially men who had upset her, made him nuts. But there were things he had to know, things he had to ask about if he ever hoped to make headway with her. “Were you sexually attracted to him?”
She looked perplexed by his question. “I liked him.”
“It’s not the same thing.”
“I wanted to make love with him.”
“Because you wanted him, or because you wanted to prove something to yourself?”
Amanda shoved back her chair so fast it nearly fell over. Josh was on her before she’d taken two steps. He curled his hands around her upper arms and held her still. She was so skittish, forever running from him. “Tell me, honey. Did you want him like you want me?”
“I don’t remember. That was two years ago.”
“Amanda.” He cupped her face and stroked her cheeks with his thumbs. The feel of her soft, warm skin tantalized him. “Don’t lie to me, honey.”
Her chin lifted. “All right, then no. I didn’t want him like I want you. But it doesn’t matter.”
“I think it does.”
“Then you’d be wrong. I can’t ever enjoy that part of being a woman. I’m not meant to enjoy it.”
Because she didn’t deserve it? Josh wanted to shake her. “That’s idiotic, Amanda, and you know it.”
“I tried after that, Josh. I tried a couple of times. But no matter what, it never worked out. I could only go so far and then I’d hate it.”
“Hate it how?”
“All of it, in every way. I hated being touched, looked at. I hated being kissed. It always made me remember…”
He quickly interrupted. “I’m touching you now and you like it. And you didn’t mind my kisses at all.”
She glared at him and then thumped his chest. “Stop it! You’re seeing what you want to see. Odds are if we try this, you’ll just be disappointed, too.” She thumped him again, then tangled her hand in his shirt and held on tight as she whispered, “Just as I’m always disappointed.”
“Like hell.” Josh drew her up, kissed her long and hard and held her close. She struggled for just a second or two, and then she clung to him.
Panting, Josh said against her mouth, “Here’s what we’ll do, Amanda. We’ll go really slow. Excruciatingly slow. If at any point you start to feel bad, in any way, you’re going to tell me and I swear I’ll stop. I won’t rush you and never, ever, will I be disappointed. No matter what.”
Amanda stared up at him, her gaze filled with hope and excitement—and that damned guilt. Josh had no more doubts. In that single moment of time, he knew he loved her. He also knew he wouldn’t tell her yet. She’d get spooked all over again and he didn’t want to risk that.
“Can I stay another hour?” he asked, his voice so low and rough he didn’t recognize himself.
Amanda nodded and at the same time, asked, “Why?”
“Because I want to kiss you silly.” He held her face and put small damp pecks on her chin, her forehead, her ear and the corner of her mouth. He licked her ear and whispered, “I want to lie down in your bed with you and hold you close and feel all of you against me like I did at the park, and I want to kiss you for an hour. And when I leave, I want you to lie awake at least another hour, missing me and wanting me.” He looked into her beautiful brown eyes and added, “The way I’ll be wanting you and missing you.”
Her lips trembled—with nervousness or excitement or fear, he wasn’t sure. “It won’t do any good…”
“Just kissing. That’s all I want.”
She ducked her head, smiling, and said, “Liar.”
God he loved her. Josh hugged her close and laughed. “Yeah, that was a lie. An enormous lie. I want you all the time, right now especially. What I meant is that for tonight, for maybe a week, all we’ll do is kiss.”
“A week? But why?”
“Because I want you to get used to me. I want you to know that you can enjoy the kissing because it won’t go any further so there’s nothing to be afraid of. I want you to learn to trust me, and to trust yourself again.”
“Ah.” Her dark eyes shone with blatant doubt. “And when the week’s over and nothing has changed? Just how long do you think this superhuman patience of yours is going to last?”
“As long as it takes.” Josh smiled at her surprise. “Get used to it, Amanda. I’m not going anywhere, so we’ve got forever.”
Amanda’s eyes widened and she pushed back from him. Josh wanted to curse. He hadn’t meant to say that, hadn’t meant to rush her again. Just because he now thought in terms of a lifelong commitment didn’t mean the same applied to her. It wasn’t that long ago that she had denied even being attracted to him.
But then she drew a deep breath—for courage he thought—and went on tiptoe to put her arms around his neck. She said, “Yes, all right.”
“You’re willing to try?”
Looking like she faced the gallows, she said, “If you are, then I’d be a fool to say no.”
Slightly insulted, Josh asked, “You’re willing because you want to test yourself again, or because you actually want me, me, not just any guy.”
She smiled. “With you around,” Amanda told him, “there are no other guys.”
Josh picked her up and headed for the bedroom.
7
AN HOUR LATER, Amanda felt smothered in a cocoon of sensuality. Her heartbeat raced, her skin tingled, her womb ached and pulled and her breasts…her breasts were so sensitive she couldn’t bear it.
But Josh only kissed her.
It was wonderful because she didn’t have to worry about freezing up, about not being able to perform. She knew how to kiss, and enjoyed it.
But at the same time, it was frustrating because no matter how excited she got, no matter how much she might want him to touch her a little more, he wouldn’t break his word. They’d kiss and that would be all, so she tried to relax and enjoy him.
Relaxing, she found, was out of the question.
“Josh,” she gasped, as his lips tugged at her earlobe and his hand opened on her belly. Inside her robe. Stroking.
Normally that would have made her nervous, but not tonight. Not with Josh.
“Yeah baby?”
Mmmmm. The way he said that, she no longer objected to the endearment. “When you said kiss—ah!” His tongue licked into her ear, making her tremble and shattering her thoughts. She stiffened, and he retreated.
“When I said kiss?” Josh trailed damp love bites down her neck to her shoulder, into the hollow of her collarbones.
With an effort, Amanda gathered her wits. “I thought you just meant kiss. You know, on the mouth.”
“I love your mouth,” he murmured, then feasted on her lips for a good three minutes until she felt nearly mindless again.
He untied the belt to her robe and opened the material wide.
Amanda opened her eyes and watched him curiously.
“I want this out of my way.” Josh stared down at her with heated eyes and a smile of promise. “I adore your jammies.”
Forcing her head up, Amanda surveyed her body. Her thermal pajamas were warm and soft, a pale yellow trimmed with white daisies on the neck and the cuffs of her sleeves and pants. Josh hadn’t asked her to strip. No, instead he’d complimented her very silly sedate nightwear.
It embarrassed her a little, until Josh sat up and jerked off his T-shirt, throwing it off the foot of the bed.
“I want to feel your hands on me,” h
e explained. “Is that okay? You’re all right?”
Amanda stared at his hard chest, now smeared a little with the blackening that hadn’t yet rubbed off. His shoulders glistened from the residue of baby oil, and muscles bunched and flexed as he waited for her answer.
“Yes, all right.”
Josh groaned. “Touch me anyway you want to, anywhere you want to.” He lowered himself back to her, once again taking her mouth.
Amanda knew about kissing, but this wasn’t just kissing. This was full body contact, hot breath and a soft tongue and so thrilling she’d never expected it. Every man she’d ever known would have been frantic by now, pushing her for more, trying to convince her with arguments and unwanted touches.
But not Josh. He had large hands and they roamed everywhere, up her arms, over her shoulders, sometimes cupping her face tenderly, sometimes stroking her thighs suggestively. Everything he did was geared toward her pleasure, at her level of comfort.
He seemed to know what she felt before she could understand it. If she stiffened even the tiniest bit, he changed direction. If she gasped in wonder, he intensified his efforts.
She loved it when he touched her belly. He touched it a lot. But he stayed away from any place that might push them beyond the kissing stage, and the result was that she felt on fire.
“Josh, please…”
“Please what? Tell me what you want.”
Daringly, she tasted the skin on his neck. He was salty and hot and she wanted more. “I don’t know.” She glided her hands over his bare skin, rasping his small nipples, tangling her fingers in his chest hair. He felt so hot, so hard. “I’m afraid to say.”
He made a low sound of carnal delight at the feel of her tongue on his neck, her hands exploring his flesh. “Afraid the good feelings will go away?”
“Yes.” Guilt nudged at her, memories trying to invade, but above it all was the smell and feel and taste of Josh. She’d probably regret it later, but for now she wanted to be a normal woman, not one filled with fears and reservations. It was what Josh deserved, even if she didn’t.
She opened her mouth and sucked on the hot skin of his throat while her fingers pressed into the hard tensed muscles of his shoulders. He tasted so good.
Josh dropped his head to rest beside hers on the pillow. “Ah…damn.”
“Josh?”
“I think we need to stop,” he rasped.
She’d disappointed him! She’d been selfish, taking what she wanted while knowing he wouldn’t be satisfied. “I…I’m sorry.”
Josh leaned up on one elbow to see her face. His expression was hard and tensed with arousal, his eyes glittering. “For what?”
For everything. Amanda bit her lip, then said, “If you want to try…”
“I want more than a quick screw, sweetheart.” He smiled and nipped at her bottom lip, stealing it from her worrying teeth, laughing softly when she gasped.
“I want you,” he said, “naked and hot, and I want you laughing and I want you crying. I want you now and tomorrow. None of that has anything to do with having sex right now, but it has everything to do with how you’ll feel about me forever.”
Her heart stumbled. He’d said it again, used that “forever” word twice now, as if they had a future together.
His eyes were smiling and happy, not disappointed. But dark color slashed his cheekbones and she could feel the heat radiating off him, making his skin damp.
He offered her so much; he offered her forever.
Amanda couldn’t stop touching him, coasting her hands over his hard muscles and long bones. He was big and macho and very sexy. He was a lot of man, and he claimed to want her forever.
In her heart, she knew forever was impossible. But he was here now, and she was just selfish enough to want a small part of him, for now.
“Will you come over again tomorrow?”
A smile curled his mouth and lit his eyes. “Yeah, I’ll be here. But I have a long shift. I work till six. How about I bring dinner?”
“How about I cook dinner?” she countered.
“And after you feed me,” he teased, rubbing his palm over her belly, “we can neck some more?”
She touched his jaw where beard shadow rasped her fingertips. “I hope so.”
“We’ll watch a movie, too. I like the idea of lounging here in your bed, making out and just getting familiar. It sounds real cozy.”
Amanda looked up at the ceiling and laughed, a little amazed, a lot confused. “I can’t imagine any man saying what you just said. Men want to have sex, not just get cozy.”
“Some men, maybe. Not me. Not with you.”
Every guy Amanda had ever dated had worked hard toward getting her into bed, and when he accepted that wouldn’t happen, he’d walked. Men wanted no part of a dysfunctional woman, a woman who couldn’t offer sexual satisfaction. To most guys, that disqualified her as a real woman.
To Amanda, they were right.
Josh apparently disagreed.
“You’re making me crazy,” she said.
“That’s the whole idea.” He gave her another hard smooch, then pushed himself off the bed. “I want you crazy enough that you can forget everything but me.”
She didn’t tell him, but she was already halfway there. And she didn’t know if that was good—or bad.
JOSH WAS SO PROUD of Amanda. She stood at a podium and directed people to various tables and displays. Her idea of a charity reception to launch sales of the calendar was brilliant, even if he did feel like an idiot strutting around without a shirt, being ogled by females of all ages.
Amanda had insisted all the guys dress in work gear, sans shirts. Of course, they’d all complied, strutting around with their bunker pants slung low, chests bare, their steel-toed boots clunking on the floor as they moved. But she’d also insisted that Josh carry his ax, which was something Amanda found sexy—not that he understood why.
The fun part was that every time a woman got too close to him, Amanda showed up like a fussy White Knight, ready to defend and protect. Josh chuckled to himself, amused by her, and so damn in love he felt ready to burst.
He was also so sexually frustrated he didn’t know how much more he could take. Night after night, he’d gone to see Amanda and every time their intimacy grew, though they’d held to the rule of mere kisses. Still, kissing Amanda was wonderful, because her reactions were wonderful. She literally wallowed in her newfound sexual freedom.
And just yesterday, after nearly a full week of pleasurable torture, he’d held her breast in his hand and felt her nipple pressing into his palm. The moment had been so sweet, and he’d felt so triumphant, he’d nearly come in his pants.
Amanda hadn’t objected to his familiarity, and in fact her eyes had gone smoky, her breath choppy, her skin warm. She’d arched into him and given a sexy little moan that drove him nuts.
But Josh had forced himself to go no further. It had nearly killed him, but he’d kept control. More than anything, he wanted her to want him—without restrictions, without any bad memories haunting her. When he finally got inside her, he wanted her to be aware only of the pleasure and the heat and the tantalizing friction as they moved together….
Josh groaned. Much more of that fantasy and he’d be making a spectacle of himself. He stared down at his lap and silently ordered his male parts to behave. He’d been giving that damned order since first starting this strange seduction. His body was about to go into full rebellion.
A swat on the butt, followed by a squeeze, made Josh jump. He turned around, and came face-to-face with Vicki. He hadn’t seen her since that day outside Marcos, when he’d told her that his free-wheeling days were over.
“Hey, stud,” she teased, then went on tiptoe to give him a kiss. Her mouth was soft and warm, and it moved him not even a tiny bit.
Josh said, “Uh,” and looked around to see if Amanda had witnessed the byplay. Luckily, she was busy schmoozing a local society matron who would likely grace her with a sizeable donatio
n.
Watching her, Josh appreciated the pretty picture Amanda made today. She’d worn a trim-fitting peach colored skirt that sported a jaunty little matching jacket and made her skin look velvety. The hem of the skirt landed well above her knees and showed the sexy length of her calves and part of her thighs. Josh knew damn good and well she had a garter and silk stockings on underneath, and knowing it made him sweat.
Pearl studs decorated her delicate ears and a triple-strand pearl collar circled her throat. Her rich hair was swept up with a studded comb.
She looked…edible, Josh decided. Especially since she wore very high, high heels and he could too easily imagine her without the dress, standing there looking delectable in nothing more than her soft skin, nylons, heels and pearls.
Vicki stroked his bare chest, letting her fingertip stroke a nipple. “Yoo-hoo, Josh?”
He jerked around, feeling mauled, like fresh meat. He wanted a shirt, damn it.
He wanted Amanda.
“Sorry.” He stepped out of reach. “What did you say?”
Her smile was slow and wicked. “Look at you, all warmed up. I recognize that hot expression in your eyes.”
That expression was for Amanda, not that Vicki would ever believe it when she stood so close and was acting so suggestive.
“Glad to see me?” she asked. “Things with Ms. Snooty not working out?”
Josh frowned. “She’s not snooty.”
“No? She comes across that way.”
“She’s…timid.”
“Yeah, right.”
Josh rolled his eyes. “Okay, so she’s not timid. What are you doing here, Vicki?”
“I’m giving my fair share, of course. I ordered two dozen of the calendars—one for myself, and the rest for female relatives. They’ll be thrilled.”
“Thanks.” Josh felt like a dolt, but what else could he say?
“Thanks? That’s it?”
He sighed. “What do you want, Vicki?” She opened her mouth and with a grin, Josh waggled his finger at her, knowing exactly what she’d say. “Other than me.”
Vicki laughed. “You know me too well.” She touched his chest again so Josh caught her wrist and held it. He felt exposed enough bare-chested in a room full of people dressed in casual evening wear, without having a woman play with him.
