by Anne Rice
Yes, I repeat myself, don't I? You must forgive me. Surely you must understand the pure arrogance and utter cruelty of what Santino did to me. Surely you must understand the pure destructive force with which he changed the course of Amadeo's journey....
And I knew that this journey would be changed.
I knew it as I lay against the side of my coffin. I knew it because I was too weak to recover my pupil, too weak to save the wretched mortal boys who would suffer some unspeakable cruelties, too weak even to hunt for myself.
And if I could not hunt, how would I gain the blood to heal?
I lay back on the floor of the room and I tried to quell the pain in my burnt flesh. I tried only to think and to breathe.
I could hear Bianca. Bianca had survived, Bianca was alive.
Indeed, Bianca had brought others to save our house, but it was far beyond saving. And once again, as in war and pillage, I had lost the beautiful things I cherished; I had lost my books; I had lost my writings,
such as they were.
How many hours I lay there I don't know, but when I rose to take the lid from my coffin I found that I still could not stand. Indeed, I could not remove the lid with my burnt arms. Only with the Mind Gift could I push it and then not very fan
I settled back down on the floor.
I was too full of pain to move again for a long tinie.
Could I hope to travel over the miles to reach the Divine Parents? I didn't know. And I couldn't risk leaving this chamber to find out.
Nevertheless I pictured Those Who Must Be Kept. I prayed to them. Deeply, vividly I envisioned Akasha.
"Help me, my Queen," I whispered aloud. "Help me. Guide me. Remember when you spoke to me in Egypt. Remember. Speak to me now. I have never suffered before as I am. suffering now."
And then an old taunt came back to me, a taunt as old as prayers themselves.
"Who will tend your shrine if I am not restored?" I demanded. I trembled in my misery. "Beloved Akasha," I whispered. "Who will worship you if I am destroyed? Help me, guide me, for some night in these passing centuries you may have need of rne! Who has cared for you for so long!"
But what good is it ever to taunt the gods and the goddesses?
I sent out the Mind Gift with all its strength to the snowy Alps in which I had built and concealed the chapel.
"My Queen, tell me how I may come to you? Could something as dreadful as this draw you from your solitude, or do I ask too much? I dream of miracles but I cannot imagine them. I pray for mercy, yet I cannot envision how it would come about."
I knew it was vain, if not blasphemy, to beg her to rise from her throne for me. But was she so powerful that she could give some
miraculous strength over the miles?
"How will I return to you?" I prayed. "How will I ever fulfill again my duties if I am not healed?"
The silence of the golden room answered. It was as cold as the shrine in the mountains. I imagined I could feel the snow of the Alps on my burnt flesh.
But slowly the horror gunk in.
I think I gave a soft, sad little laugh.
"I can't reach you," I said, "not without assistance, and how can I obtain that assistance unless I forsake the secret of what I am? Unless I forsake the secret of the Chapel of Those Who Must Be Kept?"
At last I climbed to my knees and struggled up the stone stairs very slowly; and painfully, I managed to stand, and with the Mind Gift, fasten the bronze door.
Safety, that was important, very important. I must survive this, I thought. I must not despair.
Then collapsing again and crawling down the stairs to the golden chamber, in the manner of something loathsome and lurid, I pushed doggedly against the lid of my coffin until it was open sufficiently for me to go to my rest.
Never had I known such injury, never had I known such pain.
A monstrous humiliation was mingled with the torture. Oh, there was so much I had not known about existence, so much I had not understood about life.
Soon the cries of the boys were gone from my ears, no matter how keenly I listened. The boat had carried them over the waters.
But I could still hear Bianca.
Bianca wept.
In misery and pain, my mind searched Venice.
"Raymond Gallant, member of the Talaniasca," I whispered, "I need you now. Raymond Gallant, pray you haven't left Venice. Raymond
Gallant of the Talamasca, please hear my prayers."
I could find no trace of him, but who knew what had happened to my powers? Perhaps all had dwindled. I could not even remember clearly his room or where it had been.
But why did I hope to find him? Had I not told him to leave the Veneto? Had I not impressed upon him that he must leave? Of course he had done as I had told him to do. No doubt he was miles beyond the point where he might hear my call.
Nevertheless I continued to say his name over and over as if it were a prayer.
"Raymond Gallant of the Talamasca, I need you. I need you now."
Finally, the approaching dawn brought a frigid relief to me. The roaring pain subsided slowly and my dreams began as they will do if I sleep before the rise of the sun.
In rny dreams, I saw Bianca. She had her servants about her, and they comforted her, and she said:
"They are dead, both of them, I know it. They have died in the fire."
''No, my sweet one," I said. With all the power of the Mind Gift I called to her:
Bianca, Amadeo is gone, but I live. Do not fear me when you set eyes upon me, for I am badly burnt. But I live.
In the eyes of the others, I saw a mirror of her as she stopped and turned away from them. I saw her rise from her chair and move towards the window. I saw her open it arid peer out into the dampness at the approaching light.
Tonight, when the sun sets, I will call to you. Bianca. I am a monster now in my own eyes and will be a monster in yours. But I will endure this
suffering. I will call to you. Don't be afraid.
"Marius," she said. The mortals who gathered around her heard her speak my name.
But the sleep of the morning had come over me. I couldn't resist it. The pain was at last gone.
25
wHEN I AWOKE the pain was excruciating. I lay for an hour or more without moving. I listened to the voices of Venice. I listened to the movement of the waters beneath my house and all around it, and through the canals and into the sea.
I listened for Santino's miscreants, in quiet dignified terror that they might yet be abroad in search of me. But they were gone
completely, at least for now.
I tried to lift the marble lid of the sarcophagus and I couldn't do it. Once again, with the Mind Gift I pushed against it, and then, with the aid of my feeble hands I was able to push it aside.
Most strange and wondrous, I thought, that the power of the mind was greater than the power of the hands.
Slowly, I managed to rise from this cold and handsome grave which I had fashioned for myself, and I did at last, after great effort, sit on the cold marble floor, seeing the glint of the golden walls through a bit of light that seeped into the chamber around the edges of the upper door.
I felt a terrible agony and weariness. A sense of shame overcame me. I had imagined myself invulnerable, and oh, how I had been
humbled, how I had been dasjied against the stones of my own pride.
The taunts of the Satan worshipers came back to me. I remembered Amadeo's cries.
Where was he now, my beauteous pupil? I listened but I heard nothing.
I called to Raymond Gallant once more, though I knew it was in vain. I pictured him traveling overland to England. I called his name aloud so that it resounded off the walls of the golden chamber, but I could not find him. I knew that I would not find him. I did it only to be certain that he was far beyond my reach.
And then I thought of my precious and fair Bianca. I sought to see her as I had last night, through the minds of those around her. I sent the Mind Gi
ft wandering to her fashionable rooms.
Into my ears there came the sound of playful music; and at once I saw her many regular guests. They drank and talked as though rny house had not been destroyed, or rather as if they knew nothing of it, and I had never been one of them; on they went as the living do, after a mortal is taken away.
But where was Bianca?
"Show me her face," I whispered, directing the mysterious Mind Gift by the sheer simplicity of my voice.
No picture came to me.
I shut my own eyes, which gave me exquisite pain, and I listened, hearing the hum of the entire city, and then begging, begging of the Mind Gift that it give me her voice, her thoughts.
Nothing, and then at last I hit upon it. Wherever she was, she was alone. She was waiting for me, and there were none around her to look upon her, or talk to her, and so I must find her in her silence or
solitude, and at last I sent out my call to her.
Bianca, I am living. I am monstrously burnt as I've told you. As you once nursed Amadeo, can you extend your great kindness to me?
Scarcely a moment passed before I heard her distinct whisper.
"Marius, I can hear you. Only direct me. Nothing will frighten me. I will bind up your burnt skin. I will bind up your wounds."
Oh, this was wondrous comfort, but what was I planning here? What did I mean to do?
Yes, she would come, and would bring to me fresh garments with which I could conceal my miserable flesh, and perhaps even a hooded cloak that my head should be concealed, and even a Carnival mask for my face.
Yes, all that was most true, she would do it, but what then when I found I could not hunt in this miserable state? And what if, hunting somehow, I discovered that the blood of one or two mortals meant nothing to me, that my injuries had been too great?
How then should I depend upon this tender darling to assist me? How deep into the horrors of my debility should I allow her to come?
Again I heard her voice.
"Marius," she pleaded with me. "Tell me where you are. I'm in your house, Marius. It is much destroyed but not entirely. I wait for you in your old bedchamber. There is clothing here that I have gathered for you. Can you come?"
For a long while I did not answer her, not even to comfort her. I thought upon it in so far as one can think when one is feeling such pain. My mind was not my mind. Of that, I was certain.
And it did seem to me that in this great distress I could betray Bianca. I could betray her utterly were she to allow. Or I might only take from her some mercy, and leave her finally with a mystery which she would never understand.
The betrayal would be the more simple thing, obviously. The alternative, to take her mercy and leave her with a mystery, that would demand immense self-control.
I did not know whether or not I had such self-control. I did not know anything about myself in my misery. I remembered my long ago vow to her, that she would always be safe as long as I was in Venice, and I shuddered in agony envisioning the strong creature I had been on that night. Yes, I had vowed forever to protect her for the care she had given Amadeo, that she had saved him from death until I could come at sunset and take him out of her arms.
What did it all mean now? Was I to break that vow as though it were nothing?
And on and on there came her calls like prayers. She called to me as I had called to Akasha.
"Marius, where are you? Surely you can hear me. Marius, I have soft clothing for you that will not harm you. I have linen for your bandages.
I have soft boots for your feet." She wept as she spoke. "Marius, I have a soft tunic of velvet for you. I have one of your many red cloaks. Let me bring these things and come to you, and I shall bandage you and assist you. You are no horror to me."
I lay there listening to her weeping, and then finally, I made up my mind.
You must come to me, precious one. I cannot move from where I am. Bring the clothing which you described, but bring also a mask, and you will find plenty of these in my closets. Bring one that is made of dark leather and decorated with gold.
"Marius, I have these things," she answered. "Tell me where I must come."
I then sent her another strong message, quite infallibly identifying the house in which I lay, and told her how she must come inside, find the door made of plated bronze, and then knock.
I was exhausted from the exchange. And once again, I listened in quiet panic for the sound of Santino's monsters, wondering if and when they would return.
Yet in the eyes of Bianca's boatman I soon caught an image of her coming out of the burnt ruin of my house. The gondola was on its way to me.
At last, there came the inevitable knock on the bronze door.
With all my strength I began my slow progress up the stone stairs.
I placed my hands upon the door.
"Bianca," I said. "Can you hear me?"
"Marius!" she cried out. She began to sob. "Marius, I knew it was you It was no trick of my mind. You're truly alive, Marius. You're here."
I was aroused by the scent of her blood.
"Listen to me, precious darling," I said. "I was burnt as you cannot imagine. When I open this door a very small space, you must give over to me the clothing and the mask. Do not seek to look at me no matter how curious you may be."
"No, Marius," she answered, her tone resolute. "I love you, Marius. I'll do what you say."
How plaintive were her sobs as they suddenly broke through. And how strong the smell of blood inside her. How hungry I was.
With all my strength, my blackened fingers managed to loosen the latch, and then I opened the door a small space.
The scent of her blood was as painful as all else that I suffered. I thought for a moment I cannot go on.
But the badly needed clothes were thrust at me, and I knew I must take them. I must somehow move to my restoration. I could not sink back in agony for that would breed but more agony. I must go on. Here was the mask of black leather, decorated in gold. Garments for a ball in Venice, not for one so miserable and ghastly as I.
Leaving the door with its small opening, I managed to dress myself fairly well.
She had brought a long tunic rather than a short one, and this was wise, for the stockings I might never have managed to put on. As for the boots, I was able to slip my feet inside them, much as this pained me, and the mask I tied to my face.
The cloak was of generous proportions and with a hood, which I cherished. I was soon covered from head to toe.
But what must I do now? What should I tell this angel of a young woman who stood in the chilled and dark corridor outside?
"Who has come with you?" I asked her.
"Only the boatman," she said. "Did you not say come alone?"
"Perhaps I said it," I answered. "My mind is clouded by pain."
I heard her crying.
I struggled to think. I realized a harsh and terrible truth.
I could not hunt on my own because I wasn't strong enough to venture forth from this place with any of my old gifts of speed or ascent and descent.
I could not rely upon her strength to help me in the hunt because she was entirely too weak for it, and to use her boatman was foolish if not downright impossible. The man would witness what I did, and he knew that I resided in this house!
Oh, how mad it all was. How weak I was. How very possible it was that Santino's monsters might return. How important it was for me to leave Venice and seek the shrine of Those Who Must Be Kept. But how could this be done?
"Marius, please let me in," she said softly. "I'm not afraid to see you. Please, Marius. Let me come in."
"Very well," I said. "Trust in me that I won't harm you. Come down the stairs. Make your way carefully. Trust in me that whatever I tell you is the truth."
With agonizing effort, I pushed the door open sufficiently so that she might come inside. A faint light filled the stairway and the chamber below. It was enough for my eyes. But not for hers.
With her deli
cate pale hand she groped her way after me, and she could not see how I crawled with my hands resting heavily again and again against the wall.
