But I’m the best when it comes to bullshitting Josh about my reality.
I feel it here. There’s no escape from it.
I hate myself.
I hate Jim for having turned me into this.
The ugly truth is that he still owns me.
I didn’t think about it before. Life has been such a challenge just to survive, to keep me and Charlie safe. Now with Josh in my life, I realize with a painful force that I am not free.
And keeping it a secret from Josh is eating me up.
Josh has been one hundred percent open with me through our entire relationship. He’s gorgeous, honorable, honest and kind. He works with high-risk kids in need; he loves his family and is a loyal and faithful friend.
And I know without a doubt that he loves Charlie and me.
And what’s more, I know that he’s good for us.
“The judge isn’t going to be able to tell who the criminal is, Connor, you or the defendant,” Reese wisecracks.
Josh tells me, “Connor is studying law at the University of Minnesota.”
“Yeah, my whole plan is coming together; I’m really going to fuck with their minds after having such a successful career as a juvenile delinquent.” Connor smiles. “Oops, pardon me, Sophie.”
“You’re fine, really,” I assure him. “Reese? What’s your line of work?”
“Work, ha!” Liam laughs. “He got a fancy scholarship to U of M for football.”
“I do love to play … on and off the field.” Reese is funny and charismatic, and I can’t help but smile at his antics. “I still haven’t decided on a major, but I’m pretty good at ball and keep the university’s stats high, so they keep me around.”
“Rider is a bounty hunter and runs with the Iron Order Motorcycle Club, so God only knows what other businesses he’s into,” Josh says, helping me get to know each of them more. “Chase is still undecided and divides his time between working here and on White Earth Reservation, where he goes to the tribal college. Liam owns the House of Ink and Steel and is pursuing a name for himself in the UFC middleweight division,” Josh explains. “He’s also the one who gave us all our first tats and piercings.”
“Have you told her about that year at the home?” Talon asks without looking up from the card table.
“A bit,” Josh relays. “But not the story behind the tats.”
As if on some invisible cue, all the guys stand up and began stripping their shirts off.
Oh. My. I shield my eyes … but only a little bit. “Are you boys planning on doing a calendar?”
They laugh good-naturedly.
Each of the guys is positioned with his left arm bent over his head to show off the left side of his ribcage. They each have the same exact tattoo, written in black script on the highest rib closest to the heart—I am my brother’s keeper.
“And each one of us had to get a silver barbell somewhere on our body.” Ryder winks at me.
“What was the catalyst … that defining moment when you guys decided to do them?” I ask curiously. All of them look toward Liam.
“You sure you’re ready for this?” he asks.
“Shoot.”
They all readjust their shirts and take their seats.
After Liam takes a pull of his beer, he begins the story. “Her name was Quinn. We met at the home when we were just sixteen. It didn’t take long before we were crazy for each other. Cade made sure he kept a tight eye on us,” Liam says. “Anyway, the seven of us boys were living under Cade’s roof and all we did was fight.”
“There was a lot of broken, bloody noses, cracked ribs and busted up faces.” Reese grins.
“And Quinn was the eternal peacekeeper.” Josh looks like he’s caught in a memory. “She was always scolding us and breaking up the skirmishes—telling us to get our acts together.”
“She was like a sister to all of us,” Talon puts in.
“Fucking Cade had his hands full with us,” Ryder adds.
“Quinn was beautiful inside and out,” Liam continues. “She came from St. Paul and had a terrible mom—lived on and off the streets, bouncing to different friends’ homes for the night when she could. But she caught the attention of Vince, a pimp drug dealer, and the leader of the Westhill Cartel. She didn’t want any of that. All she wanted to do was finish school and get a free ride to college somewhere … anywhere out of here. So when Vince made a play for her and she rejected him, he started making life even more ugly for her. She’d been safe at the home, but two months later she got a weekend pass to stay with her mom. The social workers were trying to see if integrating her back with her mom was possible. It wasn’t. Her mom kicked her out when she came home without any money.”
Liam stops talking. The guys look sympathetic.
“I’m sorry,” I manage to say. “I never thought—”
“Sophie, don’t apologize. Quinn was very special to me, so it’s not an easy discussion,” Liam answers. “To make a long story short, Quinn walked to the nearest payphone and put in a collect call for Cade to come get her. He did. But when he got there and didn’t see her, he got out of his car and shouted her name. He heard her scream from behind the building.”
The guys look like they’re there again, and I’m scared of the outcome of the story. Liam is constantly referring to Quinn in the past tense.
“Cade pulled his pistol and found her around back of the building from where she’d called. Vince had her pinned underneath him while three other members of his gang were holding her arms and legs down. A bunch of others stood by and fucking watched. When they saw Cade they scattered, leaving her there, half-naked and badly beaten ...” Liam takes a sharp breath. “Goddamn it, I need real drink.”
Liam drops his almost empty beer bottle hard onto the table then strides to the bar. He grabs the Jack Daniels.
I’m trying not to cry, but I’m failing.
Josh takes over where Liam stopped. “The cops kept coming in and out that night, talking about the hospital findings and Vince and his gang. We all listened quietly from upstairs. Quinn had several broken ribs, a dislocated jaw, both her arms had been pulled out of socket and she suffered from a serious concussion—not to mention the bruises and cuts all over her body.” He shakes his head in disgust. “Vince had raped her, and they were unsure how many of the others had violated her. She kept falling in and out of consciousness.”
Liam makes a guttural sound behind us.
Ryder looks over sympathetically. “It was almost three a.m. when Liam started getting dressed.”
“We followed his lead,” Talon says. “We decided we were all going with him.”
“By the time we snuck out the window and regrouped outside, it was the seven of us,” Reese says, deadly serious.
“I hotwired the car to get us into the city,” Connor explains. “None of us talked. We checked our weapons—blades, batons—Liam had a metal baseball bat. When we found Vince and his gang we beat them half to death before somebody called the cops.”
Ryder interjects, “We were all arrested. After everything was said and done, we got house arrest at Cade’s, and later Vince and his gang had a long stay behind bars.”
“We’ve been fighting for each other ever since.” Liam comes back and sits down. I can smell the bourbon that permeates the little bit of ice he put in the glass. “We vowed to be each other’s keepers. I already had a homemade tat gun I’d been using on myself, so when we got back to the home, I gave each of us the tattoo.”
“And Quinn?” I asked, holding my breath.
“She recovered.” That’s all Liam says.
“I’m glad you beat the shit out of them.” I wipe the tears as they streak down my face.
Josh passes me a napkin. “Cade walked by the room while Liam inked us. We were freaking busted up, but we had stood together. We all thought Cade was going to come down on us hard. Instead, he stood in the doorway, watching us. He was proud. He said, ‘Looks like you’re now brothers of ink and steel.’”
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*****
“You’re quiet,” Josh observes.
He’s parking in the private underground garage for hotel guests.
“Sophie, are you alright?” His brow furrows. “Please don’t shut me out. You can tell me anything.”
I stare at my knees, willing the right answer to show itself.
“Maybe I shouldn’t have taken you,” he contemplates.
Quickly I assure him, “Don’t second guess yourself or anything you’ve done, Josh. You really are the best man I’ve ever known, and now I …” I release a pained breath. “You know, I thought you’d just have your fun with me and move on. We could have been the greatest one-night stand ever, and then we could have gone back to the way it was, employer and employee, each in our own corners.”
“You’re not a one-night stand, Sophie, you’re a forever.”
“You don’t know me, Josh. I have secrets. Secrets I’ve told no one. If I told you, you could hurt Charlie and me so badly …” I rub my forehead with my hand. “And, Josh I’m scared. Honestly, I’ve been scared my entire life. But here with you, in your arms, it’s the safest I’ve ever felt.”
“I would never hurt you or Charlie. You’re the only woman I want.” Josh reaches over and takes my hands in his. “I love you, Sophie.”
His eyes and voice are so serious, so sincere. “I love Charlie too. I could adopt her.”
His confessions and proposals are killing me inside.
“I want you both permanently in my life.”
I shake my head; tears fill my eyes and spill over my cheeks.
“We can do anything we want,” he reassures me.
“I can’t,” I whisper.
“Why?” Josh looks at me like he’s ready to fix whatever the problem might be.
He can’t fix this.
“I’m married.”
Chapter Eighteen
Sophie
Four Years Earlier
“What did you call me?” Jim demands angrily.
The sudden shift in his mood and his strange question leaves me confused.
“Bitch, I want an answer!” he growls.
“I don’t understand what you’re asking, or why you’re mad, we just …”
“You called me Richard!” he seethes. “I heard it come out of your fucking mouth. You been fucking him behind my back?”
Richard? Richard is Jim’s friend from the police academy. He’s been sleeping on our couch over the Christmas holiday.
I’m sitting on the edge of our bed in our tiny two room apartment. Jim is up on his feet, pacing furiously. It’s late Christmas night. We just watched a holiday movie together and made love. Everything was fine, except after he finished he got really quiet. Dangerously, moody quiet. I knew something bad was coming, but I wasn’t expecting this. His question makes no sense.
I shake my head. My brain is trying to process the accusation. I hadn’t said anything—there hadn’t been any throes of passion, it was his quickie-special.
My throat becomes bone dry as I swallow fearfully. “Why would I do that? I’m almost seven months pregnant … I look like a hippo. Besides, I don’t care about him, I love you.”
“You don’t love me. You’re a fucking slut. I knew you were a fucking slut and still I took your whore-ass in. I bet you that bastard baby isn’t even mine.” Jim contemplates me a moment before he says in a low and sinister tone, “Whose baby is it?”
“Yours!” I can’t believe he’s even asking. I don’t go anywhere or do anything except for work—he makes sure of that, and even calls me throughout the day to check and make sure I’m there. How would she be anyone else’s? “You’re scaring me, Jim.”
“WHAT EX-BOYFRIEND DID YOU WHORE AROUND WITH TO MAKE THAT BABY?”
“I never did!” I cry, holding my tummy. “She’s yours! I promise!”
He stares at me with dark, ominous eyes. “I have a good mind to fucking shoot your lying ass,” he says, and then he stalks out of the room.
I can’t breathe. I can’t move. I feel completely disoriented. I’m naked and exposed, and it’s like I’ve turned into glass or stone—but the baby hasn’t. She’s circling and kicking wildly as the adrenaline pulses through my system. Silent tears cascade over my cheekbones and drip onto the sheet I’ve wrapped myself with.
Would he really kill me? A frightening chill rips through me. Dear God, I think he might.
How could he think I said Richard’s name? Did I say it? Why would I say it? I didn’t say it! I feel crazy, as if I’m out of my body in some way.
My breathing is fast and shallow. My heart is pounding way too fast. I think I’m going to have a heart attack or pass out.
I can’t do that. If I do that I can’t protect her.
I hear Jim in the other room. He’s rambling to himself and cursing me. The familiar sound of bullets being loaded into one of his many guns sends a lightning bolt of terror shooting through my spine.
A moment later I taste the salt of my own blood. Lifting my hand, I realize blood is pouring from my nose.
It’s got to be from the adrenaline. Could I bleed to death? Could this cause me to go into early labor?
I lift my heavy, pregnant body from the bed and quickly throw on some clothes.
“You’re never going to fuck around on me again, bitch. You hear me?!” His voice is coming closer. He’ll open the door in a second. “I’m going to make sure of it.”
When the door busts open and hits the far wall, I jump fearfully and find myself staring into his double barrel shotgun.
It’s loaded! I’m dead. My baby’s dead!
I can’t think past the panic. How many times has he hit me, bit me and bruised me? Threatened me? He’s threatened to kill me so many times, I’ve lost track of the number. Now he’s really going to do it.
Jim walks closer and shoves the gun in my face. “Blow you the fuck away, and you won’t even be recognizable. Wouldn’t be able to fuck nobody then, would you?”
I’ve never had a gun pointed at my head before.
A few minutes ago I was naked in bed with him, and now I’m going to die by his hand. The baby is going to die.
“Jim, what the fuck are you doing?” Richard’s voice says from behind him.
“Get the fuck out of here, asshole, before I shoot you too.”
“Man, just give me the gun. Nobody needs to get hurt here.”
“FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE! YOU FUCKED MY WIFE!”
“I’ve never even touched her!” Richard says. “What the fuck? Are you drunk?”
“Get out,” Jim says to him in a frightening, low tone.
Richard backs up and disappears from view.
How do I protect her from this? How do I protect myself?
I’m on my own.
I’ve been on my own before. I’ve been scared and desperate before.
Something comes over me. My actions aren’t thought out, they just happen.
I lift my hand in a gesture for him to stop. I say, “If you shoot me … you’ll go straight to hell, and I’ll go straight to heaven. And I’ll never have to see you again.”
He looks at me as if I’ve stunned him. A moment later he lowers the gun. I have no idea what’s going on in his head, but I realize this could be my only chance, and I begin backing up toward the door, my eyes never leaving his.
My boots are on a rug by the door. I scoop them into my arms.
“You don’t get a coat, bitch,” Jim says.
I’m in pajama shorts and a long t-shirt. My coat is right there by the boots, but I don’t try to grab it. I’d rather take my chances with the New England winter night.
Once I’m out the door, I slip my bare feet into the boots and run.
*****
Sophie
Present
Josh says nothing the rest of the ride back to the hotel. Nothing.
His face is stone, and he won’t look at me. He’s so angry that his hands stay balled into fists as we make our way up the eleva
tor. A familiar pulse beats through my veins, making my head pound.
“I’m going to go to my room,” I say, trying to sound resolute and strong.
“No, you’re not, we need to talk.”
Josh is not Jim. Josh is not Jim.
We enter his hotel room and he closes the door behind him.
“What do you mean, married?” he spits out.
I swallow hard and realize this could easily be mine and Charlie’s undoing. My heart is beating so fast I feel faint. It takes everything I have to talk.
“I never meant to lie to you.” My voice is quiet.
“No, but you did it anyway!” Josh’s voice rises. He curses and stalks into the bathroom. The door slams hard and makes me jump, sending adrenaline coursing through my body in waves. I hear him let loose a string of profanity before he punches the wall. It sounds like he put a hole through it.
I begin to tremble as a sense of panic threatens to overwhelm me. True colors can be ugly. What have I done? I realize I’m standing next to the door. My hand is already poised to open it.
Josh comes back out and stands across from me, his face unreadable. “Okay, I want to hear what you have to tell me.”
A trail of blood drips from the torn skin around his knuckles. It contrasts with the white chalk dusted over them from the plaster. A vein stands out in his neck and his tensed muscles strain against his shirt, reminding me of how lethal this man can be. My instinct is to run out the door, but this is Josh. Can he handle his anger?
“Josh, you’re frightening me.” I manage to get out between anxious breaths. I hear the pleading tone my voice takes on. This feels like a deadly test. “If you hit me you could kill me.” My baby girl. What will happen to my baby girl? “Just let me get back to Charlie, and I promise you’ll never have to see me again.”
“Hit you!?” he says, incredulous. “I would never, never hit you. I’d take my own fucking life before I ever laid a hand on you!”
I know in my heart it’s true. Josh is not Jim, I remind myself.
But my body doesn’t relax. I’m still shaking. “Yeah? You seem pretty mad.”
“I’m fucking destroyed, Sophie!” He starts to pace, and the movement makes me flinch, but there’s nothing threatening about his stance now. He just looks lost. “You’re fucking married!”
Dare Page 20
