by Krista Lakes
“How exciting,” said my mother.
Tommy was the only one waiting on a real response. I pulled my eyes away from a blank stare and met Tommy’s gaze, holding it for a moment before speaking.
“Yeah, buddy,” I said. “Means I’ve gotta move.”
He’d known the answer but was waiting for me to speak before unleashing a frown across his face.
“That sucks,” he said bluntly. “I liked having you here. It wasn't so lonely.”
“Yeah, you’re telling me,” I said, more sincerely than he even realized.
It was almost nine-o’clock when I was finally able to escape from the congratulatory circus I’d found myself in. My room was dark except for the light from my computer still with the email sitting on the screen like a statue. Whether it was a heroic statue or more of a memorial, I couldn’t decide.
All I knew was that I had to call Caroline.
I stripped from my clothes and threw on my most comfortable pajamas. They were old and worn, but familiar and safe.
With a deep breath, I hit Caroline's picture on my screen. The phone rang all the way until voicemail.
I stared at my ceiling fan, watching it spin all the way until I heard the electronic prompt to leave a voicemail. I hung up and immediately dialed again.
This time she picked up after several rings.
“What's up Alicia?” she asked, as if nothing were wrong in the world.
I sucked in a deep breath and then just blurted out what I had to say as quickly as possible. “I got the internship with ZephTech.”
“You did?” Caroline's voice squeaked with excitement.
“I did.”
“Alicia! That’s awesome,” she cried out. I could feel her smile through the phone.
“Thanks, Caroline.”
“Damn, I’m so freakin’ proud of you, girl,” she said. “I knew you’d get it. I really did. That’s so awesome.”
“I know,” I said. “It’s crazy, right?”
“It’s crazy that it’s finally real,” she said. “But not crazy that you got the job. I freaking knew you would. You’ve got to be stoked right now.”
“Yeah, stoked.”
“What's wrong?” Caroline asked, immediately picking up on tone. “What's the problem? Who do I need to beat up for you?”
“Caroline, I’m kind of freaking out,” I said. My voice cracked with the effort to keep my emotions in check. “I don’t know what I’m going to do.”
“What do you mean?” Caroline asked. “Why wouldn't you take the job?”
“Well, okay, so say I take the job and move to Silicon Valley and everything. What about Jacob?” I said, tasting the bitterness of the words as the left my lips. “What are we going to do?”
“Oh, I see,” she said, sensing my anxiety for the first time. “You’re afraid to tell him?”
“I’m terrified,” I said. “But not just to tell him, I’m scared of what’s going to happen to the first legit thing I’ve had with someone in a long time.”
“You know, just because you got the job doesn't mean you can't still date the guy,” Caroline said reasonably.
“But it kind of does,” I replied. “He hates Silicon Valley and this internship is intense. It's eighty hour weeks every week. It's sleeping under your desk for two hours before drinking more coffee to keep going. They specifically mention in the application that this is not for people who have families or responsibilities outside of work.”
“Remind me why you want this job again?” Caroline replied sarcastically.
“Because it gets me in the door for every job I could ever want,” I reminded her. “Plus, it's at the company I want to work for. I'd probably be sleeping there anyway if I could. It's everything I've ever wanted.”
“Except Jacob,” Caroline added. “So, basically, if you take this job, you're going to disappear off the face of the earth for as long as the internship is, right?”
“Right.” I closed my eyes. “If I take this job, all social options are off.”
“He does know about the job, right?” she asked after a moment.
“Kind of,” I said. “He knows of the job. He knows I applied.”
“Does he know how bad you want it?” she asked. “That it's your dream job?”
“Yeah, he does.” I fiddled with a loose thread on my pajamas. The seam on the bottom of my shirt was starting to fall apart.
“Well, that’s that,” she said as if that settled things. “He can’t really expect you to pass up on your dream job offer.”
“I don’t know what he expects,” I said. “But I don’t know what I expect either. I don’t know what to do.”
“You’ve gotta do what’s right for you,” she said. “That’s all you can ever really do.”
“It just doesn’t really feel right ending things between us right now. This is the best guy I’ve ever met. Ever.” I sighed and tugged at the thread. It just made more thread come out. “And now I’m just supposed to say, ‘sorry, goodbye, I’m on to bigger and better things?’”
“But you are,” Caroline said gently. “Nothing says that you’re supposed to become a hermit and settle when you’re twenty-three years old. You’re allowed to pursue your ambitions. You don’t have to compromise. You shouldn’t compromise.”
“The thing is, this doesn’t even feel like compromising,” I said. “I feel torn.”
“That’s okay though,” she said. “Feeling torn is okay but don’t let it discourage you.”
“I know it sounds stupid or silly or whatever,” I said. “But I feel like I’m passing up on something that could be just as important as my dream career, in the grand scheme of things. I feel like I could be passing up on my dream guy.”
“Okay. Hold up,” Caroline began. “No offense, but you guys have known each other for all of a week or two. If there were wedding plans on the table, or kids or anything like that, it’d be different. But I haven’t even been introduced to this guy—which is fine—I’m just saying, you can’t really be debating turning down an opportunity like this for a guy that you just met while living at home for a few weeks.”
I didn’t want to speak, didn’t want to confront her comment. It was the same thing I’d been telling myself all day, but still it hadn’t stuck. Still there was a barrier preventing the notion from making its way into my head and restoring a sense of rational thought, no matter how badly I needed it.
No matter how much I recognized the logic behind what Caroline had articulated, the barrier remained. My wavering and painful uncertainty remained. I felt something for Jacob that I wasn't ready to give up yet.
“Alicia? You still there?” Caroline asked after a moment.
“Yeah, I’m still here,” I said. “Stuck between a rock and a hard place.”
“I think you’re just stuck between your head and your heart,” Caroline said. “And not even really that, because your heart wants this job too.”
“Does it?” I asked, uncertain of my own thoughts.
“Yes. Just because it’s been fun doesn’t mean it’s your future.” She paused. “And it certainly doesn’t mean you should disrupt your future, that’s for sure.”
“What if Jacob is my future?” I asked, needing to get the question asked.
There was silence. The words were like tangible objects I had thrown at Caroline and I was waiting to see if they’d hit or if she’d simply dodged them in disbelief. What’s worse, I could no longer tell if I was trying to convince Caroline or myself.
“I don’t think that’s the case,” she finally said, carefully selecting her words. “And if your relationship can't survive being apart for a little while, was it really meant to be?”
I didn't want to answer that. I didn't like the implications.
“I really don’t think you want to throw everything away for a fling,” Caroline quietly said after a moment of silence.
“Yeah,” I said, not feeling like I could muster any more than that.
“Don’t overthink it,” she said. “Be happy for yourself, Alicia. You earned this. No more self-pity and unnecessary confusion. Tell yourself the truth. I want to hear you say it. Tell yourself, ‘congratulations’ right now.”
“Congratulations?”
“No, say, ‘CONGRATULATIONS Alicia!’” she commanded. “I want to hear you say it.”
“Congratulations Alicia,” I repeated, feeling effectively patronized and at the mercy of Caroline’s intuition. I was unable to defend myself any more than I’d already tried.
“Good enough,” she replied. “Remind yourself of that whenever you feel yourself slipping back into that spiral of nervousness. It’s okay to be a little anxious, but don’t second guess yourself.”
I knew she was right, but I didn't want to let go of my dreams with Jacob just yet. When I had been sure I was never going to get the ZephTech internship, I had convinced myself that Jacob was my future. And those dreams were still dancing through my mind. They were still so beautiful and perfect that I wasn't ready to give them up yet.
“I love you girl,” Caroline said, realizing I was drifting into despondence. “Don’t forget that either.”
“I love you, too,” I said. “Thanks for talking to me.”
“Of course babe, don’t even mention it,” she said. “Always here for ya. Just hope I was able to help a little.”
“You did,” I said, not really sure if I was lying or not.
“It’s definitely a big deal,” she said. “A big decision. I just think you should approach it with the excitement you deserve.”
“It is a big decision,” I agreed.
“It’s the decision you’ve been waiting years for,” she said. “When you’re laying in bed thinking about it before you fall asleep, don’t think about Jacob or any of the other excuses out there. Think of all the tests, the projects, all the hours you had to put in to get here.”
“You’re right,” I said. There was no doubt that her logic was bulletproof but it was becoming equally as exhausting. Everything was exhausting. “I know you're right. I just need a little bit of time, I guess.”
“Okay, well I’ll let you get that sleep now,” she said. “Give me a call after you tell Jacob, let me know how it goes.”
“Okay,” I said, not really swallowing what she’d said. I hung up the phone and stared into the dark of my room.
I recognized at least a hint of anger still running in my chest after the phone call, the only part of me that was moving as I stared into the ceiling. The rest of my body was lifeless.
I couldn't believe she could brush off my emotions around Jacob. How could she not know that he lit up my world and made the sky blue again for me? That when I was with him, I was the happiest I'd ever been in my life?
Because you've only known him two weeks and this isn't a fairy-tale, came my own thoughts. Because she hasn't met him or fallen in love like this before.
I could clearly see my future as two paths before me. On one, I was working at ZephTech, following my computer dreams. On the other, I was with Jacob and eating picnics in the park.
I wished I could merge the two options together, but my mind refused to combine them. Jacob hated Silicon Valley and as such, if I took this internship, I wouldn't see him for six weeks. Could our relationship survive that? It was still so early in our story together that I wasn't sure.
But, if it's love- it will work, right? I asked myself. I was afraid of the answer, because even though I was in love with him, we hadn't made anything official. I could all too easily see the two of us drifting apart because we never had enough time to make sure our ties were really strong enough to keep us together. There were married couples that fell apart after six weeks of being apart. If they couldn't do it, how in the world could we?
I no longer knew if I was making any sense or confusing myself even more. But I guess I do know one thing, I told myself. I’ve got to tell Jacob.
I remembered the way Caroline had told me to let her know how breaking the news to Jacob went over, as if chaos were inevitable. How had she managed to be so excited and skeptical at the same time? I thought, picturing her lecturing me with her feet up while I lay anguished in my bed.
I had to tell him. But I couldn't tell him over the phone. I reached over, typing and deleting a dozen texts before finally settling on:
Hey, let’s get lunch tomorrow
Chapter 12
My head was turned over my shoulder as I edged the corners of my car into the spot behind a truck and in front of a bulky Jeep Rubicon. It was tight, but going to school in Los Angeles had allotted me near professional parallel parking skills.
I’d driven myself on my own suggestion. It didn’t feel right asking Jacob to pick me up for a lunch where I’d then profess that I was moving away to take a job that would have me not only in another city, but working crazy hours.
Driving myself eliminated the car ride back, which I figured was destined to be some level of awkward. I really had no idea how the news would go over, whether it would be significant like Caroline had alluded to, or if he’d simply say, “okay, nice knowing you,” before politely shaking my hand goodbye. This way, I eliminated any awkward drives home.
It was noon-thirty and the morning warmth was beginning to transition into the heat of the day. I could feel it immediately after stepping out from my Focus and onto the dry pavement. The miniature strip mall that lined the street was already scattered with people, some carrying shopping bags while others held the hands of small children. The block was a cute bundle of stores, coffee shops and small diners.
I’d suggested a quaint, little family owned diner on the corner of the street. It looked almost like a 1950’s barbershop, minus the red and white pole, with a canvas extending from the roof to shadow the outside patio. It was a spot I’d been a few times before, renowned for their sandwiches that had become self-asserted as ‘The Best Sandwiches in California.’
My palms were sweaty as I walked up. Already the situation had played itself out numerous times in my head, sometimes ending well, others times ending poorly, but never ending in a way that expelled my anxiety and left me feeling ready. Instead, I carried a tremor in my stomach and a heavy angst on my shoulders that had made each step I’d taken that day move just a little bit slower than normal.
I sat down at a two-person metal table designed for the outdoors with a red, plastic tablecloth drawn over the top. Being near the back edge of the patio, my back was to the indoor portion of the diner with a surrounding view of the street in front of me. The perfect spot.
I was taking the internship. There was no reason for me not to. It was my dream and I decided that Jacob could either join in that dream or not. But that choice was now up to him. He had to choose to stay with me for the next six weeks without being able to really see me.
But, if he didn't think he could make it through the next six weeks, then it wasn't going to happen. This would be the cleanest breaking point we could ask for. Dread welled up in my stomach at the thought of him wanting to call it quits because it was going to be hard.
“You’ve known each other for a week or two,” Caroline had said, and perhaps it really was ridiculous to feel as strong as I did after so little time. I imagined Caroline on my shoulder, guiding my thoughts as I sat in preparation. She was right, I knew she was, but it didn’t make the moment any easier.
As I sat there, I realized that I’d never really seen Jacob angry. I'd never seen him disappointed. Our interactions together had never made that necessary. We’d never even argued.
And perhaps that’s evidence that I don’t actually know him that well, I thought. Perhaps Caroline was right.
We just hadn't had that much time together. Even though I knew deep in my bones that I was supposed to be with him, the truth was that we needed more time. And that was why I was so nervous. How this meeting went would determine if we had more time together or if we were calling it quits.
I caught a glimpse of Jacob's s
porty little car stopped at the light on the next block and my heart skipped a beat. He drove through the light and neared the diner moving slowly, probably looking for parking. With nothing available he turned through the next light and rounded the corner.
Down to a few minutes now, I thought to myself and checked the time on my phone. It was twelve thirty-nine, he was six minutes early for our twelve forty-five lunch, just as I’d expected.
He had a bounce in his step as he approached the restaurant, which only made my stomach twist even more. He looked happy, among other things. Happy and strikingly handsome.
He had a casual look about him, a look that was far different from the attire he’d worn to our dinner but still gave him an air of confidence. He wore his dark-framed glasses that framed his face so well and his t-shirt was a light blue polo, the kind that could be worn whether golfing or lounging at the park. It was the perfect color to bring out his eyes, I thought. Just like every color.
Everything brought out his eyes, the same eyes that would consume me from across the table when I tried to explain my predicament. I already feared it.
He neared the diner and instantly I was glad for not having selected a table on the street side of the patio. The hostess smiled as he came in and I watched through the windows as they exchanged a few words before she pointed him to our table outside. His eyes focused on me as he waved and my stomach tightened responsively as I waved back.
“Good morning,” he said as he took his seat across from me. “Or, good afternoon, I should say.”
“Hey,” I replied, and tried to force a smile until it became effortless as he beamed back at me.
Jacob’s eyes scanned the table. “You haven’t been waiting awhile, have you? You could’ve ordered something.”
“Oh, no. I just got here maybe a minute before you,” I lied, not wanting to look silly.
“Okay, if you say so,” he said, his smile crinkling the corners of his eyes. “This looks like a nice place.”
“It is, though not compared to the place you picked,” I said, looking around at the casual decor.
