by Lisa Lace
“We were kids, Ethan. It’s fine.”
“We both know we were more than some teenage fling, Lily.”
I say nothing. All these years, I’d imagined that if I ever saw Ethan Steele again, I’d give him a piece of my mind. Yet now that he’s standing right in front of me, there’s only the pain of losing him, and the memory of a love so deep, it’s blotted out every other romance to this day.
“It was a long time ago.”
“Yes, it was.”
We walk again. Ethan has a masculine, steady stride. I watch him out the corner of my eye, back straight, head held high. He’s someone significant now, and I’m still only Lily Miller.
He smiles for the first time. “You haven’t changed at all, Lily.”
“You’ve completely changed.”
“I know.”
I search for something to say. A decade of plotting grand speeches in my head, and now my words run dry.
“How is it, then—living in the big city?”
“Hectic.”
“Uh-huh. Do you miss Payson?”
“I’m too busy to think about it much.”
His words sting. I guess he’s been too busy to think about me, too. “Well, nothing’s changed here.”
“Are you still living with your parents?”
I raise an eyebrow and cast him an awkward sideways glance. “I am twenty-nine, you know. I have my own apartment now.”
“Really? That’s great! I know you always wanted your own place. Good for you.”
“Thanks. It’s not much, but it’s home. And what about you? How many places have you got? A dozen?”
Ethan bows his head. “Something like that.”
“I’m glad everything’s worked out for you.”
“Thanks.”
“The magazines say you’re dating a model. She looks gorgeous.”
He presses his hands into his pockets and slows down. “Actually, we’re not together anymore.”
“Oh, how come?”
“She was a complete bitch.”
I laugh. The sound surprises Ethan, and he breaks out into a grin. “Don’t tell the press,” he says. “They’d have to retract their ‘couple of the year’ award.”
“Jesus, Ethan, what were you doing with her in the first place? You would have been terrified of a girl like that in high school.”
“What do you mean, terrified?”
“Are you serious? You were such a dork back then. A girl like Lorina would have eaten you alive.”
“Lucky for me, I wasn’t with a girl like Lorina back then.”
The smile falls from my face. I wrap my arms around myself, closing down. “Like I said, you’ve changed.”
We reach the park’s exit. “I guess this is goodbye, Ethan. I’ve got to get home and work on my commission piece.”
“You know, I’m in town for a while. I’d like to see you again before I go.”
I hesitate. I’ve wanted answers for so long. But I know that inviting Ethan back into my life could open up a lot of emotional wounds I’ve worked hard at keeping closed.
Vincent crosses my mind. I’ve met somebody new. Do I really want Ethan in my head again?
I look up at him. He’s waiting for my answer, and he seems so sincere. Maybe there’s a good reason why he left and an even better one for why he never got in touch in all the years since. Maybe if I give him a chance to explain, I can finally get some closure and move on.
“Come to my place tonight. East Street, apartment 4E. We’ll talk then.”
“Eight?”
“Eight.”
I turn and walk away. I can feel Ethan’s gaze on the back of my neck, but I don’t look back. But it’s hard to walk steadily with my knees growing weak. My heart is pounding. I didn’t expect to see Ethan, and my head is spinning.
Tonight. Everything will make sense after tonight.
Ethan
Lily opens the apartment door. She’s wearing a pastel blue dress that makes her sapphire eyes stand out. Her hair is loose and freshly washed; I can smell the strawberry scent of her shampoo. She’s wearing a light lipstick, has mascara on her lashes, and that’s it. She’s barefoot, her toes curling and uncurling against the plywood floor the only suggestion that she’s nervous to see me.
She looks unspeakably beautiful.
“Hello, Lily.”
“Come on in.”
Lily steps back to let me pass, and her expression grows insecure. Her eyes follow my gaze as I look around the cramped space of her tiny apartment.
“I know it’s not much,” she says, “but it’s home.”
The walls are covered in a once-white paint, but my eyes aren’t drawn to the peeling flakes. Instead, I’m captivated by the dozens of canvases hanging around me. Her talent has grown since we were young. I would recognize Lily’s art anywhere; her style is sentimental and soft. Edges are undefined, and colors and shapes merge together into abstract landscapes and portraits that grow in meaning the longer you stare.
Her whole living room looks like a pop-up museum; art covers every surface, a mixture of her own and pieces that inspire her. The sofa in the center of the room is covered in a pastel patchwork fabric, and the drapes are light pink, with golden threads running through. The light bulb hanging from the ceiling is surrounded by stained glass that casts colored shadows around the room. The apartment smells like paint.
Lily’s home is a world apart from my penthouse, where everything is glass and concrete, and price matters more than personality. Everything here is just Lily.
“It’s a great apartment.”
She smiles back over her shoulder, her gaze suggesting that she thinks I’m teasing. “It’s a dive, but I kind of love it.” She shrugs. “I can almost see Rumsey Park from the window, and Chloe, my best friend, is only four blocks away. You see that tree just outside? It’s full of birds. I keep my window open in the summer so I can wake up to the sound of them chirping. It really feels like home. I love it here.”
I walk over to a canvas on the far wall and examine it. The image is an abstract outline of two figures standing in the rain under a lampshade. It’s intentionally blurred, like a photograph taken a moment too late.
“This is really good, Lily.”
“I’m glad you think so. I can’t get a gallery to touch my stuff.”
“You will. You have talent.”
“Not as much as you, Ethan. My God, you’re huge now.” She disappears into the kitchen and returns with a bottle of wine and two glasses. She gestures for me to sit down.
I go to take a seat and hear an irritable mew. An orange shape darts from the cushion across the room and vanishes into the bedroom. “You got a cat?”
“Biscuit.”
“Cute.”
“She’s a rescue. She gets friendlier with time.”
I take the glass of wine that Lily offers and take a seat on her sofa. She sits beside me and watches me drink with a slight amusement on her face.
“I guess you’re more used to drinking vintage Chateau Latour these days.”
“When did you learn about wine?”
She shrugs. “I can be fancy too.”
I laugh. “I’m not fancy.”
“Yeah right! I’ve seen pictures of you in those dandy suits with that little cloth thing folded into a triangle in your pocket. I bet you have a collection of monocles back at your mansion.”
“First of all, I have twenty-twenty vision now. I had laser surgery. You’re the one who wore glasses until sixth grade, until you threw them into a river because you thought they were ugly. You told your mom you lost them. Secondly, it’s not a mansion, it’s a penthouse apartment.”
She’s silent for a moment, and then her face creases into a grin. She throws back her head and laughs. “Jesus, Ethan, you were always too easy to wind up.”
I’m laughing, too. It rises up from deep inside me and makes my whole body shake. I haven’t laughed like this in years.
Our laughte
r dies down, and Lily smiles sadly. “So, you are still in there, then. I thought I’d lost you.”
“I’m still me, Lily.”
“Really? Because the old Ethan would have said goodbye. He’d have left a message, at least, or he’d have looked me up. The old Ethan wouldn’t drop a hundred dollars on some corporate haircut and spend his time with a woman he doesn’t like just because she looks the part. You’re here, but I’m not sure I know you anymore.”
Her words cut me deeply. They hurt because they’re true.
“I had to change.”
“Because your mom died?”
“Because I was heading toward a dead end. I was smart and ready to throw it all away on some frivolous dream. Next thing I knew, I would’ve been right in my mom’s shoes, living hand to mouth and waiting for my turn to get screwed. I had to get out.”
“It was our dream, Ethan, and if you wanted something different, all you had to do was say.”
“Would you have looked at me the same way, then? I would have been just another sell-out in your eyes. I knew I had changed, and I knew you never would. I thought it was best if I walked away. Otherwise, we’d have just resented each other. You were so set on our big plans, Lily. I just didn’t know how to let you down.”
“You should have said goodbye. I searched for you. I was scared.” Her eyes are brimming with tears.
The old guilt I’ve carried with me for years twists in my gut again. “I’m sorry I hurt you.”
She curls up into the corner of the sofa and takes a sip of wine. She doesn’t talk for a long while. Then she smiles softly. “Do you remember the golf course?”
“Of course, I do.”
“Remember when the sprinklers went off?”
“Our clothes were drenched. We had to walk home sopping wet.”
“That was a lot of fun.”
“What about when we had that picnic in Rumsey Park, and you took a bite of that éclair without looking?”
Lily shrieks with laughter. “It was covered in ants!”
“You didn’t even spit it out. I couldn’t believe you just ate a pile of ants.”
“You wouldn’t let me live it down for weeks. Every time I ate something, you’d say ‘want some ants with that?’”
I chuckle. “It was about a month later that you decided you were going to be a vegetarian.”
“That didn’t last long.”
“No. I caught you with a mouthful of cheeseburger at the stand outside Molly’s before our date.”
“You just started laughing and asked when I’d given in. You never let me live that down, either.”
“Only because you tried to guilt me into going veggie for weeks before I caught you with half a cow in your mouth.”
“We were so good together.”
She’s very beautiful. A purple gleam from the gemstone lampshade streaks across her face. She’s slowly twisting a strand of blonde hair around her finger, and a nostalgic smile plays on her face. Her feet are tucked up under her, and she’s at ease with herself. There is no pretense with Lily. She just is.
“I missed you.”
Lily lifts her eyes to mine and swallows. Her chest rises quicker, she hesitates. Then, she confesses, “Me, too.”
I cross the space between us, wrap my arm around her waist, and pull her toward me. She’s not expecting my advance, and she falls against my chest. She looks up, her eyes filled with surprise.
When I kiss her, she doesn’t resist. Her arms wrap around my neck, and her lips press against mine.
I thread my arm under her legs and carry her toward the bed I can see through an open door. I lay her down and hold her with a kiss. My hand reaches under the skirt of her dress and pulls down her panties.
Lily clings to me, her breaths fast and hot against my neck. I press my mouth down over hers and part her lips with mine. I slide my palm up her smooth, firm thigh. My thumb settles at the very top of her leg, brushing against her pussy.
I press my fingers into her. She is wet and parts her legs, wanting more. I find her clitoris and apply pressure. She instantly sighs with pleasure. I begin to tease her clit with hard, steady strokes. Lily’s back arches.
I massage her faster, watching her bite down on her lip. Her hands fall from the back of my neck and rest on the pillow behind her head. She clings to the pillowcase.
As I continue to move my fingers between her legs, I hold her in another kiss, brushing my warm tongue against hers, and rubbing her clit until she shudders.
She reaches for my zipper. Her hand slides in and takes hold of me. I grow harder when her palm closes around my cock, and I unzip her dress to pull the material away, drawing it down her body, and throwing it aside. Lily unclasps her bra and discards it.
Her breasts are small, but pert, and they heave with each eager breath. I run my hand down her ribs and find her lithe little waist.
I move my head down her body and seek out her clitoris with my tongue. Looking up, I can see the effect I’m having. Lily parts her lips, closes her eyes. I press my tongue down harder, licking her clit until her toes curl in ecstasy.
When she cums, I raise my body and kiss her mouth. I push her legs apart and enter her.
She gasps, and her fingers close around the spindles of her bedframe as I thrust. I move deeper into her, my mouth seeking out her throat so I can taste her. She lets her head fall back and presses her hips up into me.
I roll onto my back and pull Lily towards me. She straddles me and sinks down onto my thick erection. “Fuck me, Ethan.”
I place my hands on her hips and push her down. She grinds against me, riding me with pleasure. Her hands rest on my chest, her fingers beginning to curl into my skin as she draws toward another orgasm.
Her body leans down so her mouth can reach mine. I place my hand on the back of her head and hold her in a kiss as I thrust into her again.
She tightens as she climaxes. I press down on the small of her back to hold myself deep inside her when she comes.
She’s still crying out when I reach my own orgasm. Breathless, she lays her body on top of mine, then slowly rolls away.
I lean on an elbow over her and press my lips gently against hers.
“Ethan,” she breathes. “I can’t believe you’re here.”
“Shhh,” I whisper. “I’m real.”
Lily
I smile before I open my eyes. Last night was like a dream. When I first saw Ethan in the park, I promised that I wasn’t going to lose myself.
Yet here I am again.
I roll onto my side and open my eyes. The bed beside me is empty, only a tangle of sheets at my side. I frown, and sit up, clutching the bedsheets to my chest and looking around.
“Ethan?”
No reply.
A cold sense of dread fills me. I’ve been here before. I get out of bed and pull my robe around me. I start to search the apartment. There’s not much to search.
The living room is just as we left it the night before: two half-empty glasses holding cheap wine, and an empty bottle on the coffee table. There’s nobody in the kitchen, but I still turn on the lights just to make sure.
I stop a moment outside the bathroom, praying that I’ll hear running water, but it’s silent. I push the door ajar and peer inside. Ethan’s not there.
I even run to the window and glance outside, as if he’ll be taking a casual morning stroll. Racking my brain, I try to remember what we spoke about the day and night before. I know he’s in town for a convention. Was that today? Maybe he had to leave. Maybe he’s gone to get coffee or breakfast.
I reach for my cell to call him, and then remember that I don’t have his number anymore. Pacing around the apartment, I feel close to tears. This can’t be happening again.
I call Chloe.
“Lily? Is everything okay? What time is it?”
“It’s early.”
“What’s wrong?”
I pause before I answer. Chloe knows how long I’ve pined for Ethan.
I worry what she’ll say when she knows I spent the night with him. “Ethan’s in Payson.”
“Ethan Steele? Holy shit, how do you know?”
“Because he just left my apartment.”
“Lily.” I hear the concern in her voice. “What happened?”
I tell her everything. How Ethan was waiting for me at the park. How I invited him back to my apartment. How we spoke about old times. How he kissed me.
“And now he’s gone,” I sob. “I’m an idiot, Chloe. A stupid fucking fool.”
“You’re not stupid, Lily. He’s a jerk. I can’t believe he’s done this to you again.”
I collapse onto the sofa, my head in my hand. The tears won’t stop flowing. Yesterday’s mascara begins to clump around my eyes. Biscuit brushes against my shin and then jumps onto my lap. I toy with his fur as I pour my heart out on the phone.
“He was acting just like the old Ethan. We were talking and laughing. He told me he was going to be in town for a while. I don’t know where he’s gone. I don’t have his number or the address where he’s staying. I don’t know what to do.”
“Do nothing, Lily. He’s not worth chasing. Not if this is how he treats you.”
“I don’t understand. It felt like it used to, like nothing had changed. He was being kind. I thought he was feeling something.”
Chloe tries to comfort me. “Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe he’s just gone out to get breakfast.”
“It’s been an hour.”
“He could be at the convention?”
“Why wouldn’t he wake me to say goodbye?”
“Lily, honey, I don’t know.”
“This isn’t fair. It took me forever to get over him.”
“You never did get over him though, did you?”
I fall silent.
She speaks again. “I know you care about him, but I think he’s a dead end. Just the other night you were with Vincent Oswald. It’s not like Ethan’s the only fish in the sea. Maybe for your own self-preservation, you need to move on.”
“I wish I knew how.”
“What’s this hold he’s got over you, Lily? He left when you were eighteen. He didn’t get in touch for over a decade—I don’t think he’s any good for you.”
