No, it can't be.
Maybe I was just sick.
The next day, I went to the drugstore. The cashier looked me and one essential item before indiscreetly sighed to herself. I tried to keep a straight face and got out as soon as possible.
The pregnancy kit came in a long white packet. I bought two different brands just in case. Locked in my bathroom, I sat on the cold toilet seat and opened the pack. It included a small plastic cup and a strip of litmus paper. On the lid of the plastic vial was an indicator, a small but profound blue minus sign. In the case of pregnancy, a vertical line would emerge to transect that line, turning the minus into a plus.
I did everything as instructed then sat there, hardly able to make myself look down at the tiny vial. My heart was pounding as fast as a bird's, my future hanging on this simple line segment. I told myself to breathe as I waited. A minute had gone by, a full minute in which I didn't know whether to cry or to flush the vial down the toilet.
I was scared and shaking like a leave.
Glancing down again, I saw with great relief that there had been no change. No vertical line had come to complete the cross. My heart slowed down a little. I wiped my sweaty cold hands on my shirt. The heat from my face made me realize I was raging with nerves. Two minutes, I prayed for two more little minutes, and the old chronic fear would leave my miserable life alone.
I waited, breathless. As two minutes expired, tears formed in my eyes and my body began to tremble. I was looking down at the indicator in my frozen hand, and now I couldn't take my eyes off it. My grip was so tight I might break the vial.
"Oh no...oh god no..."
There it was, appearing, materializing. A faint blue line. I rubbed my thumb across it, hoping it might be erased. A vertical crossbar. My heart beat all the way to my throat and the dropped down to my ankle. I was gasping for air. The line grew stronger, adopting a life of its own.
Finally, I dropped the vial from my hand. It rolled away from me and went immobile on the floor. From the reflection in the mirror, I had become as blue as the line. My knees turned to jelly, and I let myself sink to the floor, too. A chill spread through my being. I began to shiver as if my body was going to freeze all over. I hugged myself for a time, listening to my labored breathing.
How ironic the fate could be.
It was undeniable now. I was indeed pregnant with Allecra's child.
CHAPTER 46
The warmth of water seeped into every pore of my skin as I sank lower into the bathtub. I did the test again, and the result was the same. I was obviously pregnant, and my thoughts of Allecra being far away, farther than any human could ever dream of, had become my only companion. I put my hands on my abdomen. It was still barely swollen, but I knew there was a little one hidden inside me.
The little one.
That was what I was going to call my child, still tiny — nothing more than a hint of life. But eventually, my belly would grow bigger. The little one would take nutrition from me. In the dark, heavy liquid of my womb, the little one would grow steadily, unceasingly like a seed sprouting in a fertile field.
Am I seeing this pregnancy as something good, something to be welcomed as it's supposed to be? Or as a twisted fortune that singled me out for being the coward I am?
I couldn't draw a conclusion no matter how hard I thought about the questions. I was still in a state of shock. My emotions mixed up, jumbled like a jar of trapped moths. I was confused, unprepared and utterly scared. In another word, I felt split in two, and I was still struggling to swallow this life-changing realization.
Yet I also had to recognize this tiny one as the force of my new hope. The only thing closest to Allecra I had left inside me, like a sudden flash of light in the dark.
When I thought of it this way, I could feel my fear evaporated, though not completely. I relished knowing that a part of her stayed with me now. The very prospect just warmed my heart and calmed me down again. The feeling was something to hold onto. I would try my hardest to become strong, for myself and the little one.
At night, I started writing letters to Allecra, telling her about my life on Earth. And when I lay in bed with my cheek against the tear-stained pillow, I would talk to her about our baby.
"I'm having your baby now, Allecra," I said. "I still don't know how to go through this yet, but I'm carrying the little one inside me for you. Can you hear me?"
Sometimes in the middle of my rambling monolog, I would break down crying, telling her how scared I was and how I wished I was enveloped in her arms and to be protected from this harsh world.
Perhaps, it was because of my desperation, I got this ambiguous feeling that Allecra was there listening to me. It was as if I'd conjured her from thin air, pulling her out from whichever corner of the universe she might be, except she couldn't touch me or wipe away my tears. This feeling comforted me; even it was all just my imagination.
The moonlight bathed the bare branches of the trees. I listened to the beats of my own heart, soon there would be two hearts beating. Eventually, as if led by that monotonous rhythm, the soft blanket of sleep wrapped itself around me. It was the deepest sleep I had ever had in many weeks. Also, I did not dream.
~*~
The family came back from their summer vacation at last. The car pulled up in the driveway with John and Jason helping out with the luggage. I was waiting for them by the door, eyes squinted at the bright sunlight shining over the large garden. Piper's sun-tanned skin made her look even better as she bounced up the steps.
My aunt came to hug me, but after a moment, she seemed to notice something on my face.
"You don't look well, Nina, are you okay?" she said as the rest of the family entered the house.
I reassured her that I was fine and tried keeping the concealment of the fact that I was lying.
"You're sure?"
"Yes, I just feel a bit under the weather. So how was your summer?"
"Oh it was delightful apart from the heat," she told me. "I felt like turning into a chicken barbecue on the beach. We both know we're not meant for a hot climate, aren't we?"
"How about we spend our summer in the middle of the Siberian tundra next year, darling?" Robert mocked his wife good-naturedly. It just made me smile.
"Hey Nina, I've got you some gorgeous dress I found while shopping. Now come with me, I want to show it to you," Piper said and took my hand. I guessed she just wanted to have a moment with me for some reason.
When we were inside my room, she put the bag down on my bed and twirled around.
"You won't guess what I'm about to tell you now," she said energetically. "So I met this guy at the beach..."
"And he's a surfer, right?" I said. Piper's baby blue eyes widened.
"How do you know?!"
"It's the most cliche thing I could think of."
Her face pouted at me.
"Well, you've got it right, though," she said. "And you know what? His last name is King. Can't you believe it?"
Then she giggled to herself.
"So you met him," I said, just because it felt like I should say something.
"Yes, and he's planning to start college here once he graduates," she said. "He told me he wants a change of scenery, but still want the sun and the beach. Then he asked me for my number, and who would deny a guy named King? We exchanged our snapchat, too. You won't believe how sexy his golden curly hair was. I'll show you his picture later."
"So you just brought me up here to talk about your newborn romance?"
"No!" Piper laughed. "Maybe part of it, but anyway, how was your summer? I knew you didn't spend all day knitting with Allecra obviously."
I had expected this kind of question from Piper, but the mention of Allecra still caused a twinge in my chest. My jaw clenched as I tried to mask the pain, but my face must have said it all since Piper's brows furrowed in concern.
"Something wrong, Nina?"
I dropped my gaze, unable to meet her curious stare.
"We
broke up," I said at last
"What?" Piper said. Her mouth opened. "But you girls seemed inseparable...what happened? Did she cheat on you?"
"No, nothing like that," I said. "It just didn't work for us. I'm sorry, but I don't really want to talk about it right now."
Piper stared at my face for a moment before she nodded.
"Okay, I understand exactly how you feel. I'm sorry to hear that," Piper said and we both fell silent. Then she turned to the bag, "Well, let's forget about the dumbass people. I've got this cute dress for you, you'll love it, come try it on."
She unzipped the back and picked out a lovely purplish gown, holding it at arm's length towards me. But when she put it over my body, she frowned.
"Wait, are you gaining weight, Nina?" she asked me. I looked down at myself and had to admit that she was right.
"Er...I guess so," I said, but in my mind, I was almost thrown into a panic with her question.
"Don't worry," she said, "Maybe you can keep the dress until it fits you again."
I nodded with a smile and thanked her for the present. However, it was inevitable to reveal what I was hiding. Eventually, my belly would swell and everything would break loose no matter how hard I tried to keep it secret. It was in that moment that I realized I couldn't dodge the truth for long.
At dinner, I thought about telling them right then that I was pregnant, but I realized how shocking it had sounded the last time I told them I was gay. Now imagine me telling them I was pregnant. It was impossible it was for me to announce this contradictory news. It was still difficult even for me to digest, let alone everyone else.
Just think how they would react if they knew I was now carrying a baby made my palm sweat. What would Aunt Vikki say if I told her I got pregnant without a partner? She would think I was a victim of some hideous catastrophe. Robert might see it as a terrible sin against his faith, or simply a human-shaped embarrassment to his name. What about my dad? It would confirm him that I was a certified failure in the family, the rotten apple that fell far from the tree.
And what about my cousins? The Nina who acted like she was always the mature one, thinking and speaking like she was above them. Now look at what she had done to herself, look at who she had turned out to be — a knocked-up and abandoned and soon to be a high school dropped-out.
I even wondered what Jordan would say if she knew. Would she give me her wise words 'I told you so'?
I shook my head to shoo away these unkind thoughts. They made me even more anxious and disheartened.
While the family was talking and sharing stories of their vacation, the hired maid brought out a dish of grilled salmon. The whiff of its smell sent a wave of nausea up my throat. I covered my mouth with my hand to silence my gag, but it was too late. Everyone froze to look at me from their plate. I wished the queasiness would go away, but it only got stronger and more insistent.
"Nina, are you alright?" Aunt Vikki asked worriedly.
With another gagging sound, I bolted out of my chair towards the hallway bathroom.
I threw up whatever I had eaten. If this kept going, they would find me more suspicious, what could I do?
When I was done, I heard Piper's voice called from behind the locked door.
"Nina?" she said, "Mom asked me to check if you're not feeling well. You need any help?"
I cleaned up thoroughly and wiped my mouth then opened the door again.
"I'm alright, just an upset stomach," I said.
"You look kind of pale," Piper noted. "Are you sure?"
"Yeah, don't worry."
My cousin gave me a long look before she nodded.
~*~
A few days passed, my morning sickness began to get worse. I realized that I couldn't keep doing this any longer. I was helpless and in need of help, but I was also terrified to tell anyone. The morass of my conflicted mind was deep and sticky like it was going to sink me down as time moved forward. I felt as though I was walking through the mud, exhausted and everywhere I looked was an endless muddy field. In front of me, behind me, I could see nothing but a swampy darkness.
I had to reach out for help. I couldn't do this alone. My selfish damage would cause the little one to suffer with me. I would have to swallow my pride and face my fear, giving myself up to the current of fate and see where it would take me from here.
One night I knocked on my aunt's office door. She was still working while Robert would be late because of some meeting.
"Oh Nina, come on in," she said with a smile. I was led to sit down on her couch like the last time. As expected, my aunt put aside her work and sat down with me. But when she saw my face and noticed the look in my eyes, her smile faded and replaced by a look of concerns.
"Nina, what's wrong? Are you sick?"
"I have something to tell you," I said softly.
My aunt stiffened a little from the tone of my voice. She seemed to have some sort of inkling that I had a weighty speech to deliver, but she waited.
I had worked so hard to build the courage to come up to her after days of silent contemplation over words. But I suddenly found my throat closed up and mouth clamped shut. Everything in my mind just crumbled at that critical moment.
When my eyes glanced at the framed picture of my mother smiling with my aunt in Moscow, the suppressing tears began to break free, becoming unrelenting until my whole body shook. My aunt came to hold me, asking what happened in a frantic voice. But I couldn't answer as emotions choked the words out of me. She let me cry for a few more minutes until I calmed down again. Now my aunt looked really worried and anxious with my state.
"Tell me, Nina, what's going on?" she asked.
"I'm so sorry, Aunt Vikki, I didn't mean it to happen," I sobbed. "I'm so sorry."
"What is it?"
It was probably every parent's nightmare, and my aunt seemed to figure it out from a woman's intuition, solving the equation of my situation from all the subtle hints she gathered as she looked at me.
"Oh Nina, please, don't tell me you're..." she breathed, but couldn't finish. Her hand was over her heart.
I nodded to confirm her suspicion.
"I'm pregnant."
Aunt Vikki's eyes widened, her jaw dropped in speechlessness. I felt even more horrible with myself for everything that I had caused her. I wasn't just disappointing her but also hurting her feeling and disrespecting her trust. It was like the world had stopped revolving, and I was frozen in this difficult time forever.
"Nina, how did that happen?" She whispered.
"I can't tell you, I'm so sorry," I said tearfully.
"But what about Allecra?—Does she know about it?"
I understood why she asked this question, assuming the pregnancy was no way caused by Allecra.
"No," I said quietly, trying to maintain some level of control with my surging emotions.
I could detect what thoughts that were running inside her mind with the power of my observation alone. The look on her face told me she didn't believe I would be passionately making love with a man while being in a relationship with Allecra. It was not only because I was a homosexual, but because it just wasn't me.
She might have thought of this and worried that I had been taken advantage of, that it might have been the result of a heinous act of a pervert. It was normal for her to be worried with this horrific assumption. Obviously, I couldn't get pregnant by myself, and the only person I had a deep affection for was Allecra, so why did this happen?
But it was a lot less complicated if my aunt didn't know the hidden part of the story, that in fact, it was Allecra herself who impregnated me.
"Nina, I'm asking this again. Do you have any idea who or where the father is? You don't have to be afraid. We will protect you. Tell me who did it?"
"I'm sorry, I can't tell...please don't ask me again, I'm so sorry," I said with my head in my hands like a lunatic.
My aunt sighed softly to herself.
"Alright, Nina, it's alright, I understand," she soothe
d me, rubbing my back gently. "You must have had enough stress to shoulder right now. Let's think about the child. I have to ask you a very forward question. Do you plan to have the baby?"
I was silent.
"You know I won't pressure you into anything, Nina," Aunt Vikki said again. "It's your choice. Whatever you decide, I understand and will support you every step of the way."
"Thank you, Aunt Vikki, I don't know what to expect yet," I said honestly. "I'm so scared, but still, I'm going to bring this child into the world."
"Are you certain that this is what you really want?"
"Yes," I said. "I haven't reached the stage where I can love the tiny embryo now, but having this inside me makes me feel special. I'm someone whose mother died from giving birth to her, so it's hard for me to imagine what it will be like when I go through it with my own child. I have no clue of what to do. But if things go smoothly, the due date will be between June and July of next year, and I will try to finish school before I give birth to this little one."
"The little one," my aunt repeated as if to try the words for herself. Then for the first time since we started talking, my aunt gave me a faint sad smile.
"Which means we will have to make some changes for the baby," she agreed. "You can still finish school later if you want. It's more important to get a specialist to check you up and get medical attention as required, you understand this, right?"
"Yes, I do. I'm sorry, Aunt Vikki," I said. "I didn't mean to bring all of this trouble to you."
"Please, do not apologize, Nina," Aunt Vikki said. "We have to stick together in a time like this."
We were wrapped in quietness for a time.
"I assume you haven't told your dad yet?"
I shook my head 'no'. She sighed and rubbed her forehead with her fingers. I felt bad for making things difficult for her, but I didn't know what else to do.
"So when are you going to tell him?" she asked again.
"I was about to ask you a favor about that too...can you...can you please tell him for me?" I said. "I don't think I could do it."
Aunt Vikki nodded. She knew how I must have felt.
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