by Bill Bryson
‘Not a problem,’ you’d call down generously from your lofty position. ‘I’ll do another circuit.’
Even better in terms of elevated pleasures was the Shops Building on Walnut Street. A lovely old office building some seven or eight storeys high and built in a faintly Moorish style, it housed a popular coffee shop in its lobby on the ground floor, above which rose, all the way to a distant ceiling, a central atrium, around which ran the building’s staircase and galleried hallways. It was the dream of every young boy to get up that staircase to the top floor.
Attaining the staircase required cunning and a timely dash because you had to get past the coffee-shop manageress, a vicious, eagle-eyed stick of a woman named Mrs Musgrove who hated little boys (and for good reason, as we shall see). But if you selected the right moment when her attention was diverted, you could sprint to the stairs and on up to the dark eerie heights of the top floor, where you had a kind of gun-barrel view of the diners far below. If, further, you had some kind of hard candy with you – peanut M&Ms were especially favoured because of their smooth aerodynamic shape – you had a clear drop of seven or eight storeys. A peanut M&M that falls seventy feet into a bowl of tomato soup makes one heck of a splash, I can tell you.
You never got more than one shot because if the bomb missed the target and hit the table – as it nearly always did – it would explode spectacularly in a thousand candy-coated shards, wonderfully startling to the diners, but a call to arms to Mrs Musgrove, who would come flying up the stairs at about the speed that the M&M had gone down, giving you less than five seconds to scramble out a window and on to a fire escape and away to freedom.
Des Moines’s greatest commercial institution was Younker Brothers, the principal department store downtown. Younkers was enormous. It occupied two buildings, separated at ground level by a public alley, making it the only department store I’ve ever known, possibly the only one in existence, where you could be run over while going from menswear to cosmetics. Younkers had an additional outpost across the street, known as the Store for Homes, which housed its furniture departments and which could be reached by means of an underground passageway beneath Eighth Street, via the white goods department. I’ve no idea why, but it was immensely satisfying to enter Younkers from the east side of Eighth and emerge a short while later, shopping completed, on the western side. People from out in the state used to come in specially to walk the passageway and to come out across the street and say, ‘Hey. Whoa. Golly.’
Younkers was the most elegant, up to the minute, briskly efficient, satisfyingly urbane place in Iowa. It employed twelve hundred people. It had the state’s first escalators – ‘electric stairways’ they were called in the early days – and first air conditioning. Everything about it – its silkily swift revolving doors, its gliding stairs, its whispering elevators, each with its own white-gloved operator – seemed designed to pull you in and keep you happily, contentedly consuming. Younkers was so vast and wonderfully rambling that you seldom met anyone who really knew it all. The book department inhabited a shadowy, secretive balcony area, reached by a pokey set of stairs, that made it cosy and club-like – a place known only to aficionados. It was an outstanding book department, but you can meet people who grew up in Des Moines in the 1950s who had no idea that Younkers had a book department.
But its sanctum sanctorum was the Tea Room, a place where doting mothers took their daughters for a touch of elegance while shopping. Nothing about the Tea Room remotely interested me until I learned of a ritual that my sister mentioned in passing. It appeared that young visitors were invited to reach into a wooden box containing small gifts, each beautifully wrapped in white tissue and tied with ribbon, and select one to take away as a permanent memento of the occasion. Once my sister passed on to me a present she had acquired and didn’t much care for – a die-cast coach and horses. It was only two and a half inches long, but exquisite in its detailing. The doors opened. The wheels turned. A tiny driver held thin metal reins. The whole thing had obviously been hand-painted by some devoted, underpaid person from the defeated side of the Pacific Ocean. I had never seen, much less owned, such a fine thing before.
From time to time after that for years I besought them to take me with them when they went to the Tea Room, but they always responded vaguely that they didn’t like the Tea Room so much any more or that they had too much shopping to do to stop for lunch. (Only years later did I discover that in fact they went every week; it was one of those secret womanly things moms and daughters did together, like having periods and being fitted for bras.) But finally there came a day when I was perhaps eight or nine that I was shopping downtown with my mom, with my sister not there, and my mother said to me, ‘Shall we go to the Tea Room?’
I don’t believe I have ever been so eager to accept an invitation. We ascended in an elevator to a floor I didn’t even know Younkers had. The Tea Room was the most elegant place I had ever been – like a state room from Buckingham Palace magically transported to the Middle West of America. Everything about it was starched and classy and calm. There was light music of a refined nature and the tink of cutlery on china and of ice water carefully poured. I cared nothing for the food, of course. I was waiting only for the moment when I was invited to step up to the toy box and make a selection.
When that moment came, it took me for ever to decide. Every little package looked so perfect and white, so ready to be enjoyed. Eventually, I chose an item of middling size and weight, which I dared to shake lightly. Something inside rattled and sounded as if it might be die cast. I took it to my seat and carefully unwrapped it. It was a miniature doll – an Indian baby in a papoose, beautifully made but patently for a girl. I returned with it and its disturbed packaging to the slightly backward-looking fellow who was in charge of the toy box.
‘I seem to have got a doll,’ I said, with something approaching an ironic chuckle.
He looked at it carefully. ‘That’s surely a shame because you only git one try at the gift box.’
Yes, but it’s a doll,’ I said. ‘For a girl.’
‘Then you’ll just have to git you a little girl friend to give it to, won’tcha?’ he answered and gave me a toothy grin and an unfortunate wink.
Sadly, those were the last words the poor man ever spoke. A moment later he was just a small muffled shriek and a smouldering spot on the carpet.
Too late he had learned an important lesson. You really should never fuck with the Thunderbolt Kid.
Index
Abbott, Anne (i)
Adams, Abigail (i)
Adams, John (i), (ii), (iii), (iv), (v), (vi), (vii)
Constitutional Convention (i)
dislike of Franklin (i)
and White House (i)
Adams, John Quincy (i)
Adams, Samuel (i), (ii), (iii)
advertising (i)
agencies (i)
brand names & trademarks (i)
cars (i), (ii)
methods (i), (ii), (iii)
newspapers & magazines (i)
photography (i)
television & radio (i), (ii)
African weaverbird (i)
AIDS (i)
air-brakes (i)
air-conditioning (i), (ii), (iii)
aircraft (i), (ii)
Albert, Prince (i)
Alcock, John (i)
alcohol (i), (ii)
Alcot, A. Branson (i)
Alcott, Dr William (i)
Allen, Frederick Lewis (i)
Allerton, Remember (i)
Alsop, Joseph (i)
Amana (Iowa) (i)
America (i), (ii), (iii)
economy (i), (ii), (iii)
multiracial society (i)
naming of (i), (ii), (iii), (iv), (v), (vi)
American English language, see English
American Medical Association (i)
American Philosophical Society (i)
American Protective Association (i)
American Revolution
(i), (ii), (iii)
Anderson, G.M (i)
Anderson, Walter A (i)
Andrews, Peter (i)
animals (i), (ii), (iii), (iv), (v)
horses (i), (ii), (iii), (iv), (v), (vi)
Anne, Cape (i)
anthem, American (i), (ii)
Anti-Masons (i)
Appalachia (i), (ii), (iii), (iv)
Arbuckle, Fatty (i)
Arkansas (i)
Arlin, Harold W (i)
Armat, Thomas (i)
Armstrong, Neil (i), (ii)
Arnaz, Desi, jun. (i)
Arness, James (i)
Articles of Confederation and Perpetual Union (i), (ii), (iii)
Atlantic Ocean (i), (ii), (iii), (iv)
Auburn State Prison (New York) (i)
automobiles see cars
Autrey, Gene (i)
Bacheller, I (i)
Bacon, Francis (i)
Bailyn, Bernard (i)
Baird, John Logie (i), (ii)
Balboa, Vasco Núnez de (i)
Ball, Lucille (i), (ii)
balloon frame (buildings) (i)
Baltimore (i), (ii), (iii), (iv), (v)
Baltimore, Lord George (i)
banks (i), (ii)
barbed wire (i)
bargin basements (i), (ii)
Barnes City (Iowa) (i)
Barnum. Phineas T (i)
Bartlett, John Russell (i), (ii)
Baruch, Bernard (i)
baseball (i)
basketball (i)
Bassett, E.M (i)
bathrooms (i)
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Beam, C Richard (i)
Beard, Henry (i), (ii)
Beecher, Henry Ward (i)
Bel Geddes, Norman (i)
Bell, Alexander Graham (i), (ii)
Bell Telephone (i)
Benedict, Samuel (i)
Bennett, James Gordon (i)
Benz, Karl (i), (ii)
Berger, Dave (i)
Berlin(Germany) (i)
Berlin, Irving (i)
Berry, Chuck, (i)
Beverley Hills (California) (i), (ii)
Bible (i), (ii), (iii)
bifocals (i)
Bill of Rights (i)
Billings, Josh (i)
Bird, Isabella Lucy (i)
birds (i)
Birdseye, Clarence (i)
Blaine, James G (i)
bloodsports (i)
Bloomer, Amelia (i)
board games (i)
Board of Geographic Names (i), (ii)
Bonds, Barry (i)
Boorstin, Daniel (i), (ii)
Booth, John Wilkes (i)
Boston (i), (ii), (iii), (iv), (v)
food (i)
freeway (i)
ice industry (i)
prohibition (i)
shopping (i)
travel (i)
Boston Massacre (i), (ii), (iii)
Boston Tea Party (i), (ii)
Botticelli, Sandro (i)
Bourbon County (Kentucky) (i)
Bouton, Edward H (i)
Bowdler, Thomas (i)
Bowdoin, James (i)
Bowser, Sylvanus F (i)
Bradford, William (i), (ii), (iii), (iv)
Bradley, Milton (i)
brand names (of products) (i)
brands (of cattle) (i)
Braun Brothers (i)
breakfast (i), (ii), (iii)
Breguet, Louis (i)
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Brewster, Wrastle (i)
British Columbia (i), (ii)
Brown, Arthur (i)
Brown, Roy A, jun. (i)
buffalo (animal) (i)
Buffalo (city) (i)
Buick, David D (i)
bullets, 19TH CENTURY (i)
Buncombe County (North Carolina) (i)
Bunker Hill, Battle of (i), (ii)
Burma-Shave sign (i)
Burns, Bob (i)
Burnside, Ambrose E (i)
Burton, Richard Francis (i)
Byron, Lord George (i)
cable cars see streetcars
Cabot, John (i), (ii)
cafeterias (i), (ii)
Calhoun, John C (i)
California (i), (ii), (iii)
Calloway, Cab (i)
Calvin, John (i)
Cambridge (Massachusetts) (i)
cameras (i), (ii), (iii), (iv)
Camp, Walter (i), (ii)
Canada (i), (ii), (iii), (iv), (v)
Candler, Asa G (i)
candy bars (i), (ii)
Cantor, Eddie (i)
Capra, Frank (i)
card games (i)
Cardini, Caesar (i)
Carlson, Chester (i)
Carlyle, Thomas (i)
Carolina (i)
Carrier, Willis (i)
cars (i), (ii), (iii), (iv)
advertising (i)
Model T (i), (ii), (iii)
services and trade (i), (ii)
Carter, Garnet (i)
Cartwright, Alexander (i)
cash register (i), (ii)
Cass, Lewis (i)
Centlivre, Susanna (i)
Cerf, Christopher (i), (ii)
Chabas, Paul (i)
Chadwick, Henry (baseball) (i)
Chappe, Claude (i)
Charles City (i)
Charles river (i)
Charles Stuart (Charles I) (i), (ii)
Charlestown (Massachusetts) (i)
Chaucer, Geoffrey (i), (ii)
Chesapeake (i)
Chevrolet, Louis (i)
Chicago (i), (ii), (iii), (iv), (v), (vi)
food (i), (ii)
and prostitution (i)
shopping (i), (ii), (iii)
Children’s Television Act (i)
China (i)
Chisholm Trail (i)
chocolate (i), (ii), (iii)
cholera (i)
Chowan river (i)
Christmas (i), (ii)
Chrysler, Walter (i)
chuck-wagon (i)
Church, Ellen (i)
Churchill, Winston (i)
Cincinatti (i), (ii), (iii), (iv)
Cincinnati Zoo (i)
cinema see movies
Civil War (i), (ii)
Claflin, Tennessee (i)
Clark, George Rogers (i)
Clark, William (i)
Clay, Henry (i), (ii), (iii)
Cleaveland (i)
Cleveland (i), (ii)
Cleveland, Grover (i)
Cmiel, Kenneth (i)
Cobbett, William (i), (ii)
Coca-Cola (i)
Cod, Cape (i)
Cody, Bill (i)
coffee (i)
Cohen, Fred (i)
‘Cold War’ (i)
Collier, Randolph (i)
Collins, Douglas (i)
Columbia (South Carolina) (i), (ii)
Columbus, Christopher (i), (ii), (iii), (iv)
Commager, Henry Steele (i), (ii)
computers (i), (ii)
Comstock, Anthony (i), (ii)
Concord (New Hampshire) (i), (ii), (iii)
Conestoga wagons (i), (ii)
Coney Island (i)
Connecticut (i), (ii), (iii), (iv)
Conrad, William (i)
Constitutional Convention (i), (ii), (iii), (iv), (v)
Continental Congress (i), (ii), (iii), (iv)
Coolidge, Simon (i)
Cooper, Humility (i)
Cooper, James Fenimore (i)
Cornwall (England) (i)
Corydon (Indiana) (i)
cotton gin (i)
Cotton, Maria (i)
cotton trade (i), (ii)
Coues, Elliott (i)
cowboys (i)
Cowper, William (i)
Coy, George (i)
Craddock, Ida (i)
Cramer, Stewart (i)
Crane, Clarence (i)
Crane, Hart (i)
Crawford, Joan (i)
Creighton, Jim (i)
cricket (i), (ii)
Crockett, David (Davy) (i), (ii)
Cugnot, Nicholas (i)
Cullen, Michael (i)
Cupids Cove (i)
Curtiss Field (Long Island) (i)
Curtiss, Glenn (i), (ii)
Custer, George Armstrong (i), (ii)
Cuttyhunk Island (i)
cycling (i)
Daguerre, Louis (i)
Daimler, Gottlieb (i)
Dale, Thomas (i)
Dallas (i)
Dallas, George Mifflin (i)
Darrow, Charles (i)
Dashwood, Sir Francis (i)
Dayton (Ohio) (i), (ii), (iii)
de Felice, Fortune Barthélemy (i)
De Mille, Cecil B (i)
Death Valley (i)
DeBeck, W.B ‘Billy’ (i)
Declaration of Independence, The (i), (ii), (iii)
Deighton, Lee C (i)
Del-Monico, Giovanni (i)
Del-Monico, Lorenzo (i)
Del-Monico, Pietro (i)
Delaware (i), (ii), (iii)
Delligatti, Jim (i)
Delmonicos (restaurant) (i), (ii)
Democratic OK Club (i)
Democrats (i), (ii), (iii)
Demosthenes (i)
department stores (i), (ii), (iii)
Detroit (i), (ii), (iii), (iv)
Devon (England) (i)
Dickens, Charles (i), (ii), (iii), (iv)
Dickinson, John (i)
Dickson, W.K.L (i)
Dillard, J.L (i), (ii), (iii), (iv)
Dillingham Commission (i)
diners and roadhouses (i), (ii)
dining habits (i), (ii), (iii)
disease (i), (ii), (iii)
Disney, Walt (i)
Disraeli, Benjamin (i)
Dixon, Jeremiah (i)
Dodge City (i)
Dodge, Horace E (i)
Dodge, John F (i)
Dohan, Mary Helen (i), (ii)
dollar sign (i)
Dolly sisters (i)
domestic appliances (i), (ii), (iii)
Domino, Fats (i)
Donne, John (i)
Dorais, Gus (i)
Dorgan, T.A ‘Tad’ (i), (ii)
Doubleday, Abner (i), (ii)
DougIas, Stephen (i)
Douglass, Frederick (i), (ii)
Dowd, Charles F (i)
Dowd, Snooks (i)
Doyle, Judge Andrew (i)
Drake, Dr Emma (i)
Drake, Sir Francis (i)
Drinker, Elizabeth (i)
drinks (i), (ii), (iii)
Dryden, John (i)
Duell, Charles (i)
Dunlap, John (i)
Dunlop, John (i)
Durant, William C (i), (ii)
