by Anna Post
Potlucks, Byob, and Byof
Potluck suppers, in which guests contribute food and/or beverages, are a fun and easy way for family and friends to share time together without one person bearing the brunt of the work. While these group events don’t have an official “host,” often one person or couple provides the party venue and organizes the party. When you’re inviting people to the party, it’s important to be clear that the event is a potluck—so spell it out on the invitation or simply tell people if you’re inviting them in person. As the organizer, you can assign food categories (appetizer, main course, salad, dessert) to keep the menu balanced. If you do, be sure to note it on your invitation: “Please bring a salad to share.” To be sure that everyone gets their containers back, have masking tape and markers on hand to label the bottom of the dishes.
BYOB means “Bring your own beverage.” The host generally supplies the glasses, ice, and appetizers or a meal. Although BYOB commonly refers to alcohol, a guest can bring any beverage he or she chooses. BYOF means “Bring your own food.” Guests come with food for themselves, not necessarily dishes to share. In this case, the host may be providing the venue, such as access to a private beach.
What Not to Put on an Invitation
NO SMOKING: The absence of ashtrays in your house should let smokers know they need to take it outside.
NO CHILDREN: If your invitation doesn’t include the kids, then they aren’t invited. Period. If you’re concerned that a certain someone will try to bring her children, it’s best handled with a phone call.
NO PETS: Most people know better than to show up with Fido in their purse—they should always call and ask first. That’s the time to let them know if it’s okay or not.
GIFT INFORMATION: A request for gifts or any mention of gifts or where someone is registered is never put on the invitation itself. This is an inviolable rule for wedding invitations, but it also applies to birthday, anniversary, graduation, shower, or other invitations when the occasion calls for a gift for the honoree. Remember—the choice of a gift is always up to the giver. That said, people do like to give gifts that please the recipients, and suggestions are helpful. So, for bridal or baby showers, it’s okay to add a separate enclosure with registry information or a list of items on the mother-to-be’s or bride’s wish list.
If a group gift is planned, this information also goes on a separate enclosure: “Some of us are getting together to give Anne Marie and Matt a tent for their 10th anniversary. The total cost is $425. If you’d like to join in, please call Tara at 987-555-1234 by June 10.” This way a guest is free to contribute or give a gift of his or her choosing. Note, too, that no amount was suggested, but that the contribution was left up to the individual.
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No Gifts, Please
There is one exception to the “no gift information on the invite” rule. Though once considered a faux pas (and still the case for wedding invitations), putting No Gifts, Please at the bottom of an invitation is fine for birthday and anniversary parties and for any occasion when a gift would otherwise be expected. You may also tell invitees in person or by phone.
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What’s in a Name?
To some people, everything. When addressing invitations, be careful to spell names correctly. Although it’s fine to omit titles when addressing casual invitations, titles are a must for more formal ones. This can be an etiquette minefield: Jane and John are married, but she doesn’t want to be addressed as “...and Mrs. John Kelly”; Shana’s married but uses her maiden name; Colleen’s a doctor and so is her husband. (Women have so many options these days!) It’s always nice if you can find out how people prefer to be addressed, but if you aren’t sure, use this chart to guide you:
How Do I Address?
SITUATION: ADDRESSING A WOMAN
OPTIONS/NOTES
Maiden name
Ms. Jane Johnson
Miss Jane Johnson*
*Usually Miss is for girls under 18.
Married, keeping her maiden name Ms. Jane Johnson Married, uses her husband’s name socially
Mrs. John Kelly
Mrs. Jane Kelly*
*Nowadays this is acceptable.
Ms. Jane Kelly
Separated, not divorced
Mrs. John Kelly
Mrs. Jane Kelly
Ms. Jane Kelly
Divorced
Mrs. Jane Kelly
Ms. Jane Kelly
Ms. Jane Johnson (maiden name)
Widowed Mrs. John Kelly*
*if you don’t know the widow’s preference, this is the traditional and preferred form.
Mrs. Jane Kelly
Ms. Jane Kelly
SITUATION: ADDRESSING A COUPLE
OPTIONS/NOTES
Married, she uses her husband’s name socially
Mr. and Mrs. John Kelly
NOTE: Traditionally, a man’s name preceded a woman’s on an envelope address, and his first name and surname were not separated (Jane and John Kelly). Nowadays, the order of the names—whether his name or hers comes first—does not matter and either way is acceptable. The exception is when one member of the couple “outranks” the other—the one with the higher rank is always listed first.
Married, she prefers Ms.
Mr. John Kelly and Ms. Jane Kelly
Ms. Jane Kelly and Mr. John Kelly
*Do not link Ms. to the husband’s name:
Mr. and Ms. John Kelly is incorrect.
Married, informal address
Jane and John Kelly
John and Jane Kelly
Married, she uses her maiden name
Mr. John Kelly and Ms. Jane Johnson
Ms. Jane Johnson and Mr. John Kelly
If you can’t fit the names on one line:
Mr. John Kelly
and Ms. Jane Johnson
Note the indent; either name may be used first.
Unmarried, living together
Mr. John Kelly and Ms. Jane Johnson
Note: Either name may be used first.
A woman who outranks her husband: elected office, military rank
The Honorable Jane Kelly and Mr. John Kelly
If you can’t fit both names on one line (note indent):
The Honorable Jane Kelly
and Mr. John Kelly
A woman who outranks her husband: professional or educational degree
Dr. Jane Kelly and Mr. John Kelly
Both are doctors (PhD or medical) and use the same last name
The Doctors Kelly (omit first names)
Drs. Jane and John Kelly / Drs. John and Jane Kelly
Dr. John Kelly and Dr. Jane Kelly
Dr. Jane Kelly and Dr. John Kelly
Both are doctors (PhD or medical); she uses her maiden name
Dr. Jane Johnson and Dr. John Kelly
Dr. John Kelly and Dr. Jane Johnson
SITUATION: BUSINESS
OPTIONS/NOTES
Woman
Ms. is the default form of address, unless you know positively that a woman wishes to be addressed as Mrs.
Professional designations—use only for business
Jane Kelly, CPA
Note: Do not use Ms. or Mr. if using a professional designation. Socially, drop the professional designation and use Mr., Ms., or Mrs.: Ms. Jane Kelly.
Esquire: Attorneys and some court officials
Jane Kelly, Esquire
Note: If using Esquire, do not use Ms. or Mr. In conversation or socially, Esquire is not used; use Mr. or Ms.: Ms. Jane Kelly.
Attorney at Law
Ms. Jane Kelly
Attorney at Law
This is an alternative to Esquire for attorneys.
Use Mr. or Ms. and use two lines with no indent.
Chapter Five
When You Need a Supporting Cast
Parties are as much about coordinating as they are about planning—and when all the main elements of the party are in full swing, what host hasn’t wished for more than two
hands? Even the most determined do-it-yourselfer throwing the most casual of parties can benefit from a little help, if only to tidy up the mess afterward. (Wouldn’t it be nice to say good night to your last guest and not have to do the cleanup?)
Depending on your entertaining experience and the type of party you’re throwing, you may want to consider enlisting some help: asking a friend to serve at an informal dinner, hiring nonprofessional help to clean up, or bringing in the big guns—professional caterers, bartenders, and servers. In determining just how much help you need, consider your time, your comfort level, and your budget—and then go and create your team.
No matter who’s assisting you, it’s up to you to give clear instructions about what you want done as well as when and how to do it. Here are your four main options for getting party help:
TAKE GUESTS UP ON THEIR OFFERS OF HELP. Have a list of tasks in mind before guests arrive. (See Can I Help?, opposite, for specifics.)
ENLIST THE DEDICATED HELP OF A CLOSE FRIEND OR FAMILY MEMBER. This is a good option when you just need an extra pair of hands. Ask early—when the party is in its planning stages, if possible. Have a few specific jobs in mind: Taking coats, passing hors d’oeuvres, filling glasses and lighting candles, delivering plated entrées to the table or helping with clearing or cleaning up. These are all things you can ask a good friend to do—as long as you don’t ask her to do too much! You still want her to feel like a guest and have plenty of time to socialize and enjoy the receiving end of your hospitality. A small gift accompanied by a note of thanks is a wonderful way to show your appreciation for her graciousness and generosity.
HIRE A FRIEND OR NEIGHBOR’S TEEN OR A COLLEGE STUDENT TO HELP. This option is easy on the pocketbook, but do factor in the time you might need to show your help what you’d like them to do and how to do it. Of course, if it works out, you know you have reliable help for future parties. (See Working with Nonprofessional Help, opposite.)
HIRE PROFESSIONALS. Professionals can save you time, stress, and even money. For time-stressed hosts, it may be a better value than you think—it means no shopping, no running around, no cooking, no serving, no cleaning up. Caterers come with all the equipment they need so you don’t need to rent it, clean it, or return it. Plus, you can be a guest at your own party!
“Can I Help?”
In these casual times, most guests (especially close friends) will make a genuine offer to pitch in. If you aren’t using professional help and are feeling slightly overwhelmed, by all means take your friends up on their generous offers. Here’s a list of possible light chores a guest can do without being made to feel that he’s suddenly “on staff”:
Passing hors d’oeuvres
Lighting candles
Filling water glasses
Opening and pouring wine
Delivering plated courses to the table
Bringing bread or salad to the table
Helping to clear between courses (one person per six guests)
Helping to serve dessert and/or coffee
Working with Nonprofessional Help
In high school, we were often the designated help at our mom’s and aunt’s dinner parties, passing hors d’oeuvres, serving and clearing the table, and doing the cleanup. It was a great way to earn extra money, and a fun way to learn about entertaining. At first we were tapped because we were family members, but word got out, and soon other people around town were asking us to help serve at their parties.
Using high school or college-age kids for basic serving and cleanup help at your party is a great resource. It’s a good idea to hire two kids (it’s more fun for them to work in tandem, and you’ll have plenty of help), and if you’re planning a large holiday party, consider hiring one or two teens and providing them with large flashlights to direct guests to parking. Here are some things to discuss with your help in advance:
SET AN HOURLY RATE.
BE CLEAR ABOUT ARRIVAL TIME. Have the kids come over a day or two before the party to familiarize themselves with your house and to get instructions. On the day of the party, ask them to arrive an hour or two in advance to help out with the final preparations.
DETERMINE WHICH JOBS THEY’LL PERFORM. Among their possible duties: taking coats, passing hors d’oeuvres, picking up glasses and napkins, emptying bowls for pits or toothpicks, refreshing platters and bar items, and, for a dinner party, serving and clearing the table.
SET EXPECTATIONS FOR ATTIRE. This is especially important for high schoolers. Typically, servers wear black pants or skirts with a white or black shirt, and clean, appropriate shoes. (Clean black sneakers are fine.) Otherwise, ask for conservative, clean and ironed clothing.
ESTABLISH THE GROUND RULES. Discuss when it’s appropriate for the helpers to take a break, whether smoking is permitted, and if food will be provided. Also, let them know that they shouldn’t accept any tips from guests for services such as valet-style parking.
It’s important to set the tone and standards for service beforehand with professionals and nonprofessionals alike. Show them explicitly how you want things done. For example, use a tray to clear dirty napkins and empty glasses; pick glasses up by the stems or bottoms, not by sticking your fingers in the glasses; when serving and clearing the table leave, on the left, remove from the right (LL/RR). Show them how you want platters plated and refreshed. Depending on their experience, nonprofessionals may also need your direction during the party. You might need to remind them to refresh platters, pick up glasses, check on the status of the guest bathroom, and keep the kitchen tidy.
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All Together Now
A much-loved, creative winery owner who lives in California’s Alexander Valley recently gave a memorable informal dinner party for twelve neighbors. Here, guest Carrie Brown (owner of The Jimtown Store in California’s Alexander Valley and author of The Jimtown Store Cookbook) describes the hostess’s novel approach to service:
“When we arrived, our hostess offered us a glass of wine and asked each of us to find our name on a handwritten dinner menu with a schedule for the evening that she had posted in her open kitchen. Each course had two names listed to help plate and serve, and two other names were listed to clear that course. All the plates and extra utensils had been organized for each course and a place had been set aside for the dirty dishes. A rubber spatula was handy for scraping scraps into the garbage, and a soapy water bucket for utensils was ready in the sink—with explicit instructions to simply stack, not wash, the dishes and return to the table.
“By the end of the three-course meal we had all contributed to the service and had a great, lively time doing so. We lingered at the table swirling our reserve vintage wine and then were sent on our way home—a final cleanup was not allowed. Our hostess’s kitchen was left neat and tidy and I’m sure it didn’t take long to finish up.”
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How Much Help do I Need?
Depending on your particular party, your professionals will recommend the number and type of help you need. If you want things to run flawlessly, so that you can be a guest at your own party, count on:
Cocktail party for 20
2–3 servers who can share passing, bussing, and kitchen duties (a bartender is optional)
Cocktail party for 50
2 servers, 1 bartender, 1 kitchen duty, plus 1 to “back the bar” and buss
Dinner party
1 cook, 2 kitchen duty with at least 1 who can assist the cook, 1 server per 8 people, 2 servers if the dinner involves changes of silverware and pouring wine, water, coffee
You can hire fewer people, but if you do, it’s likely you’ll still need to keep a vigilant eye on everything as the party proceeds.
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What Can I Expect From:
BARTENDERS: Bartenders mix and serve drinks and keep the bar neat and refreshed. They should arrive before the party starts to set up the bar and learn the layout of your home. For a larger party, professional bartenders will require a
round two hours to properly set up the bar and polish all the glasses, hide the flats, boxes, and cooler for extra ice, and make it all look neat and clean. Bartenders ordinarily don’t leave until the last guest has been ushered out and the last glass washed and put away. This may take an hour to an hour and a half, depending on how long guests linger and the scale of the party.
SERVERS: Servers arrive ahead of time to prepare platters or assist in the kitchen, and they leave after all the dishes have been washed and the kitchen and party areas are immaculate. During the party, they take coats, pass hors d’oeuvres, pick up glasses and napkins, empty ashtrays or bowls for pits or toothpicks, refill platters, refresh bar items if there’s no bartender, and serve and clear the table at a dinner party. Professionals will know exactly what to do once you show them how you want things presented and explain your timeline for the event. Beware that servers, whether professional or amateur, are not necessarily skilled at food presentation, so take the time to show them how you want trays and platters arranged, garnished, and replenished. For example, ask servers to either switch almost empty trays with fresh trays or take the almost empty trays into the kitchen to be rebuilt.
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Kid and Animal Wranglers
Kids and pets are adorable, but their unpredictability can disrupt a party (unless your celebration is casual or family style to begin with). Your focus should be on your grown-up guests, not wayward kids or unruly pets. Solution: Hire a babysitter to take care of little tykes in an area separate from the party. Preferably, have the sitter come an hour or two ahead so you have enough time to get yourself ready and finish last-minute preparations or give instructions. If your party is during dinnertime, be sure to arrange for food for the kids. And if your favorite furball can’t behave with guests or if someone is allergic, confine him to a yard or a room away from guests.
