by Lisa Suzanne
“And how did that make you feel?”
I swear, she asks that question every time. I’ve never had to talk about my feelings so much before in my life...and I’ve never had to work so hard to keep so many of them hidden. “It made me feel alive. It made me realize that it was exactly what I wanted to do for the rest of my life.”
She asks me a few more questions, and then our interview is over. I walk over to the door and set my hand on the knob. Before I turn it, though, I have a question for her.
“So how do we do this fake thing?” I ask, turning back around. “You’re around all the time, but I still need to be focused on the competition. Do I grab you and kiss you in front of her? Or what?”
She takes a few steps toward me then messes up my hair and tugs my shirt so it’s a little sloppy. “You walk out of this room smoothing down your clothes or fixing your hair every time we leave. I’ll do the same. She’ll think we’re coming in here to screw around. She won’t even need to see the evidence in front of her in order for her imagination to run wild.”
Guilt darts through me. “Should we really be doing this?”
She shrugs and purses her lips. “Probably not. But you’ve got nothing to lose...except this competition. To her.”
“Well when you put it that way...” I grab her and give her a little hug. “Thanks for the help. I still don’t know why you agreed, but I’m going with it.”
“I agreed because I like you,” she says softly, and the guilt bears down a little more forcefully.
Shit.
She doesn’t really think something could happen here...does she?
“You’re the most genuine out of all the guys out there,” she says. “It’s rare to meet someone with your qualities, and maybe in another life this could have been something, but you’re certainly not in the place for it.”
“I’m certainly not?” I ask.
“Come on, Gage. You’re in love with her. Hopelessly. A little disgustingly, if I’m being truthful. I can’t compete with that.”
I press my lips together and nod.
She’s right.
I am hopelessly in love with Lexi Weber, and she’s my biggest competition for something that will be absolutely life changing for whoever wins it.
Not that my feelings for her matter anymore, anyway. She’s with Tyler now.
Those emotions that coincide with my abandonment issues are back in full force. I already knew she was abandoning me when we parted ways at the hotel, but finding her here, even under the circumstances where we found ourselves at first...it felt like fate.
Until she took a turn toward someone else’s arms.
Now I feel that abandonment all over again. I’ve learned throughout my life that it’s easiest to just push others away rather than letting them in and setting myself up for this sort of heartbreak. Somehow she clawed her way in, and she did exactly what the recesses of my brain predicted she would—the same thing that’s proven true for my entire life.
People come and go, but music has been there for me. Always. It’s why I turned to bass guitar in the first place...to channel my emotions into something creative and constructive. I could’ve turned down a lot of different paths, but this is the one I chose.
I will set my feelings for Lexi aside. I have to. They don’t matter anymore.
But my career...that matters.
Getting the chance to join MFB...that matters.
And I will use that as my motivation to rise to the top of this competition. I’ll rise past Tyler. I’ll rise past Lexi.
I will win.
Whatever it takes.
CHAPTER 33: LEXI
He walks out of the confessional with his hair messed up. He smooths his shirt back into place, and I feel a knot in the pit of my stomach.
What were they doing in there?
I snuggle a little closer to Tyler on the couch. It’s not an involuntary move. I purposely do it as I see Kat emerge from the confessional next, tucking her hair behind her ears and smoothing her own shirt down.
That knot in my stomach forms into something bigger.
I expect her to call me next, and the knot is almost telling me to confront her about it.
But I can’t.
I won’t.
He isn’t mine to be upset over anymore...especially not when I’m allegedly involved with Tyler. He can do what he wants, but I also think it’s okay for me to have feelings about whatever it is that he does.
She glances at me, and our eyes lock as we share some sort of meaningful look that I can’t quite decode before she stalks out of the room.
What did that look mean?
Was it the look of some special shared experience we have when it comes to the man who walked out ahead of her?
I can’t help but wonder whether he’s doing this because I’m “with” Tyler now or if it’s because he actually likes Kat. And I can’t help but wonder why Kat would risk her job over a contestant on a show.
Or is she even risking her job? I have no idea what her responsibilities and requirements are.
Gage disappears, and Tyler and I chill on the couch. He tells me stories about Capital Kingsmen, some hilarious and others are raunchy, and the way he tells them makes me feel like he loves playing for them and being part of them. I can’t help but ask the question that I’m sure has been on everyone’s mind.
“Why are you here?”
He chuckles. “Why are any of us here? Weren’t you in a band before?”
I shrug. “Yeah, and I love them. I’ll always love them. But they didn’t want to leave Nashville. I did. I had bigger dreams.”
“I feel like I’ve answered the same question a hundred times. I got the memo that MFB was looking, and who wouldn’t jump at the chance to play with these legends?”
“But at the expense of giving up what you have with your best friends?”
Before he gets a chance to respond to that, Camille’s voice comes over the intercom. “Lexi to confessional room three.”
Tyler squeezes my hand and kisses my cheek, and I head over to the room.
When I walk through the door, though, it’s Ben who greets me...not Kat as expected.
“Hey, Ben,” I say, and I slide into the interview chair.
“You’ve been reassigned to me,” he says. He’s all business, sort of bubbly Kat’s opposite—before she turned on me, anyway.
“Oh, okay,” I say, and I have to admit, I’m sort of relieved that I don’t have to face Kat with all my deep, dark confessions. Not that we do that in these rooms, really, but it’ll be easier to share my feelings on things with somebody who isn’t screwing around with the guy I still have major feelings for. “May I ask why?”
He shoots me a tight smile. “Two of my guys, Colt and Eric, went home, so we decided to do a little reshuffling.”
I nod. That makes sense even if I don’t believe it for a hot second.
We talk about how I feel about Tim going home, and it’s a very different experience than it was talking with Kat. He’s not quite as warm as she once was, but he’s still good at asking the questions and getting me to confess my feelings on different things.
Until he blindsides me with some personal questions I wasn’t expecting.
“How are things going with you and Tyler?”
I answer with a mix of half-truths. “Really well. He’s an incredible man. Gorgeous, a great kisser, and really, really kind. I can actually see it turning into something real once the competition is over.” That’s not the question that blindsides me.
“And how are you dealing with your feelings for Gage?”
That’s the one.
I blow out a breath. “Not well,” I admit.
“Talk to me about it,” he says softly, and somehow I start to open up.
I spill it all out.
“I fell in love with him in three days, and then I had to leave him. The last thing I wanted to do was abandon him. We parted ways, and it crushed me. When I first sa
w him here, I felt...torn. So excited, so hopeful that maybe it didn’t have to be over. Shocked that he was here. Completely stunned. And then he killed my confidence in the very next second. He painted me as something I’m not with his words, and that cracked my heart worse than leaving each other at the hotel did. I still love him, and I still hurt over him. It’s too fresh to say those feelings might go away someday, because I don’t think they will.”
“And yet...you’re with Tyler now?”
“Yeah,” I hedge...and now I’m the one painting myself as something I’m not. First Gage told everyone we hooked up and took away my ability to be the strong woman I wanted to portray myself as, and now I’m the one doing it. I’m letting people see me as the girl who can’t get by without a guy.
What has this competition done to me?
What has Gage done to me?
I want to say it on camera. I know there were cameras on us in the food room when we made this deal, so I know people will see it was Tyler’s idea...and I can’t sit here and lie to Ben about my feelings for Tyler and Gage.
But I don’t know if he’s seen that footage. I don’t know if he knows, if Kat knows...if anyone knows the truth yet aside from the two of us.
“If I admit something to you, will it stay between the two of us? Or will you run and tell the other producers?” I ask.
“Depends on what it is,” he answers truthfully as he looks down at his clipboard. But then his eyes raise to mine, and his soften as compassion wins. “Oh,” he says when he sees that my eyes are filled with tears. “Whatever you say right now will be recorded for the camera. The cameras are always on.” His voice is low. “I have no control over who views it or when. But, Lex, if you have something you want to talk about, I won’t talk about it with anyone else until we’re done filming.”
Something inside me trusts him.
I press my lips together, and I look up at the ceiling in a futile attempt to ward off the tears. I draw in a deep, shaky breath, and then I say, “I was looking for a way to distract Gage from the prize, silly things like putting cat pictures all over his room because I know he hates cats, and Tyler said the number one way to distract him would be to act like I’m over him. It was his idea to fake a relationship. I regret it, but now I feel like I’m in too deep to stop. And besides, it looks like Gage has moved on with Kat, and you know what? I like Tyler. He’s a good guy.”
“Do you have real feelings for him?”
I sigh. It would be so much easier if I did. I did get some butterflies when we kissed...but he’s not Gage. He didn’t awake feelings in me like I’ve never had before. Maybe he could have if I’d have met him first, if I’d have allowed those feelings to develop and I wasn’t devastated over what I just lost. “Maybe.” I shrug. “I don’t know. I’m not in a place where I’m ready to jump in with both feet.”
“So it’s all fake, then.” He says it flatly, not like a question.
I nod.
“And you’re in love with Gage.”
I nod again. “Hopelessly.”
“Do you want him back?”
I lift a shoulder, and then I pour out a little more of my soul. “I thought I did, but I’ve learned over the last few days that he’s not the guy I thought he was. I’m in love with the guy I left behind in a hotel room Sunday morning. This guy...he’s someone else entirely. He’s someone I don’t even know.”
“But if you were given the chance to get to know him...” he trails off, waiting for me to fill in the rest.
“I think we’ve both gone too far in the wrong direction at this point. I think it’s time to admit defeat.”
“Will you keep up the ruse with Tyler?” he asks.
“I sort of have to at this point, don’t I? I mean, if nothing else, to save face. I can’t just drop Tyler like a hot potato now that Gage is all over Kat.”
He presses his lips together in understanding, and that’s the end of our conversation.
I avoid Gage the rest of the day. I spend most of my time up in my bedroom, alternating between writing my thoughts down into snippets that might become lyrics and feeling sorry for myself.
I head up to bed early. It was an early morning after a late night, I still have a headache from the whiskey sours, and we have no idea what’s coming tomorrow in terms of the next challenge.
Tyler comes up to check on me just as I’m about to slide into bed. “You okay?” he asks.
I shrug. “Not really.”
“You want to talk about it?”
“Not really,” I repeat with a wry smile.
“Get in bed,” he instructs, and I do. He slides in next to me, and he wraps his arms around me. I lean into his chest and close my eyes. I’m just about to drift off to sleep when his voice comes out in a whisper. “I think you might be the best friend I’ve had in a long time.”
“I think if the situation was different, we wouldn’t need to pretend,” I admit.
He kisses the top of my head. “I agree.”
I blow out a breath. “Sometimes I wish I would’ve met you in the hotel lobby.”
He chuckles. “It’s probably better you didn’t. I’m no good for a nice girl like you.”
I link my arm around his waist and squeeze.
“And for the record, Lex, he’s not, either.” His voice is low, and it’s the last thing I hear before I let sleep take me.
CHAPTER 34: GAGE
Their door is cracked open when I walk by on my way to bed, and I can’t help when my eyes edge into their room.
I look at his bed first. It’s empty. Hers is the one closer to the door, and it has two people in it.
They’re asleep.
In the same twin bed.
His arms are wrapped around her, and her head is on his chest.
Her head should be on my chest.
My arms should be wrapped around her.
If there was ever a moment in time when I thought maybe she and Tyler were faking it for my benefit, seeing them sharing the same bed certainly proves the truth.
When did this situation get so fucked?
Part of me wants to go in there and rip him the fuck off of her, while the other part of me realizes it’s her life and she’s free to do what she wants.
I get that she’s angry with me for what I accidentally said in my surprised state that first night...but running to another man’s arms seems so out of character for her.
And yet...there she is.
According to her, flings are also out of her character but that didn’t stop her from having one with me.
I guess it’s time to admit that a fling is all it was. I thought there was more between us, but seeing her wrapped in him the way she is proves it was pretty damn easy for her to move on.
That should be my sign. I should move on, too.
But I can’t.
Not when it’s still so fresh, and not under these incredibly stressful circumstances within the competition where we’re fighting for something so important to each of us.
I feel defeated as I climb into bed. My arms are cold without her in them.
It was only two nights, really, where I got to hold her through the night, but it was enough to create an addiction.
And now I’m suffering through withdrawal while having the drug shoved in my face day after day after day.
I suppose when I fell asleep, I was hopeful I’d wake with a new fire lit inside me. That’s not the case, though. That feeling of defeat is a thick cloud hovering over me.
I trudge through the day with that cloud over me. Decker asks me what’s wrong, and Blaze has more words in the food room, and even John says something to me, but their words are all so fleeting I can’t even be bothered to really care.
Lexi and Tyler avoid me, and I avoid them.
It’s just easier that way.
Until mid-afternoon, when I’m sitting on the patio in a lounge chair by myself as I stare out over the ocean, thinking about how different this whole experience could have b
een if I hadn’t met Lexi at all, or if I hadn’t blurted out that we slept together, or a million other little tweaks.
Camille’s voice blasts over the intercom, breaking into my thoughts. “All remaining contestants, please report to the family room for your next challenge.”
I blow out a breath.
I wish I still smoked because a cigarette sounds calming right about now. I gave that shit up years ago, though.
I’m the last to arrive, and Dax, Brody, Adam, and Rascal are all standing by the fireplace. Once I’m standing with the others, Dax starts talking. “The numbers are dwindling, and we’re excited about the six of you who are left. There’s so much talent standing across the room from us, and we’re all waiting for the day when one of you will be standing here in this line with us.”
I glance at Brody and Adam, and their faces are blank. Rascal, however, is nodding along like he’s either listening to a song in some hidden earphones and he’s dancing to his own beat or he’s really enthusiastic about what Dax is saying. I hold in a laugh. I feel like that guy is probably hilarious.
“As I told you before,” Dax says, “you’ll be paired with another contestant for today’s challenge.”
I know who my partner will be before he even says it.
I mean, of course it’ll be her. Why not push our buttons a little more for the sake of entertainment? Why not force us in a room to work together in the midst of us falling somewhere on the scale of love and hate at the same time?
“This is a big one, and two of you will be going home. It’s a two-part challenge. For the first part, you will have four hours to write an original song together. Lyrics are due at the end of those four hours, and they cannot be changed once they’re submitted. In addition, MFB will own all rights to your song. If you lose and we choose to record it, you release all copyright to us. For the second part, which will take place tomorrow after lunch, you’ll need to sing your song for us. That means creating the music to go with your lyrics, and you’ll have all night tonight as well as half the day tomorrow to do that.”
A chorus of groans follows that announcement. We’re not singers...well, most of us aren’t, anyway. I’ve done back-up vocals, but I know Decker can’t sing for shit. I’m not sure about the others, except Lexi. So maybe being paired with her for this challenge will actually work to my advantage.
