“I’m sorry that happened,” Jonas said. “I should have thought. We could have gone somewhere else quite easily.”
“Doesn’t matter.”
“It’s not okay for people to behave like that.”
“And if your eleven-year-old daughter had been mown down by a reckless driver you’d be happy to see him drinking in the local pub? No, I get it. I’m not welcome anywhere around here and I accept that.”
Caspian cut into the field and Jonas followed.
“Where are we going?” Jonas asked.
“I’m going home.”
“My father once said to me that a man is only truly tested a few times in his life. Moments when he has to make a decision that will define or maybe destroy him. Does a happily married man with three small kids put himself in peril to save a child he doesn’t know? Does a woman turn her back on a man she loves to stay with a man she doesn’t for the sake of her children? Does a boy take the blame for something he didn’t do and ruin his future to secure his brother’s?”
Caspian quickened his pace.
“Does a young man who sees someone he loves struggling under the weight of lies, speak the truth not knowing whether that truth will ruin or save a life?” Jonas sighed. “Slow down. I’m not as fit as you.”
Caspian stopped and turned to face him. “I’m bad for him.”
“Says who?”
“Me.”
“You see yourself as a failure. You’re unhappy. Depressed. You are not a failure.”
Caspian huffed.
“It doesn’t matter what other people think of you. What matters is how you see yourself. You’re sliding down and you need to put your hands out and stop yourself.”
Caspian said nothing.
“My guess—and it is a guess because Zed has told us nothing, is that your brother was driving when those girls died. He moved you into the driver’s seat and ran home. He was at Cambridge University, destined perhaps for greatness. You were a dyslexic younger brother who’d been expelled from a couple of schools and not expected to get even one GCSE. You went along with what your father and brother told you because in the end, what choice did you have? If you told the truth and the police believed you, you’d ruin your family. If they didn’t believe you, your family would never have forgiven you anyway. By keeping quiet, you get their enduring gratitude.”
Caspian was torn between being glad Jonas knew and anxiety that he did.
“Their enduring gratitude didn’t last very long,” Caspian muttered.
Jonas sighed. “If we can arrange it, will you come and live with us?”
That shocked Caspian before he snapped back to his snarl. “Another mistreated puppy you want to rehome?”
“Believe it or not, it’s as much for Zed as it is for you. He’s waited for you for five years. I think that’s part of why he chose to live with us when he went to university. He wasn’t a party boy. He hardly drinks. Until he joined the band, he rarely went anywhere. I don’t think he’d even been in a club, gay or otherwise until he was in the band. There have been no boyfriends. He’s been waiting for you. Please don’t hurt him.”
Caspian’s heart clenched. What about me? What about me being hurt? He took a deep breath. “Maybe he doesn’t yet realise it but he’s better off without me.” The world is better off without me. “I’m not completely free for another five years. Even then, freedom is an illusion because of my criminal record. But until the end of my sentence, I can’t do what I like, or go where I like without permission. Zed will get over me.”
“Love endures all things.”
“People say that about friendship too, but they don’t always last.”
“They will if you want them to.”
Caspian turned, ran up the field and only slowed when he knew Jonas wasn’t following. He powered down his phone. He didn’t want to speak to anyone.
He went home but didn’t go to the house. Instead he went into one of the outbuildings to collect what he needed to mend the treehouse.
Working soothed him. Hammering nails into wood, finding the right piece of plank to block a gap. He climbed out of the window into the tree to check the roof, then clambered onto the sloped roof to examine the other side before he climbed back in.
If he was being honest with himself—and what was the point in lying? —the thought of suicide had on several occasions washed over him like a spring tide. Inside, the thought of being able to end everything had brought a sense of security. There was always an alternative to prison life. He suspected a lot of the boys in there thought the same at some point.
Suicide in a YOI wasn’t uncommon. Four guys had hung themselves over the time Caspian had been locked up. He wasn’t sure whether he’d ever really been capable of going through with it. Instead, when he was low, he daydreamed he’d created something wonderful that would make up for everything done and not done.
He was pretty sure he had enough of Zed’s father’s tablets to kill himself. He had a lot of reasons to take them but a lot of reasons not to. That was what it came down to in the end. Whether those reasons to do it overpowered the excuses not to. The balance of his mind wasn’t disturbed, though that was undoubtedly what a coroner would say.
His mind was as clear as a fucking bell. Who, after maybe a short period of grief, wouldn’t want him dead, out of the way, out of sight, out of mind? Seeing Zed again, being with him had let him hope. Bad idea. He was an albatross around Zed’s neck, and his father’s and his brother’s and sisters’ and his mother’s. A lot of big ugly birds.
I could run. And go where, with what? He had no skills.
I could stay. Take the first job offered. Wait until he was really free and then hope there was someone out there looking for a broken, self-pitying piece of… Oh fuck.
I want Zed. I can’t hide from that. It might be the only true thing in his pathetic life.
Caspian showered and dressed for dinner in dark chinos and a white linen shirt. Lachlan and his wife, Elise, had arrived. His mother and father had left the house to greet her. He heard laughter and thought what a difference to the way he’d been welcomed home. Caspian didn’t want to be here. He could never forgive his family for what they’d done. He slid his hand into his pocket, fingered the tissue-wrapped pills and the marble, and put a smile on his face before he left his room. I can end this any time I like. The thought gave him strength.
They were all in the hall when he walked downstairs.
“Caspian, come and meet Elise,” Lachlan said.
Elise turned and Caspian saw as well as being a beautiful blue-eyed blonde, she was also heavily pregnant. She made as if she was going to hug him and Caspian thrust out his hand. “Pleased to meet you.”
She shook his hand and smiled. “Lovely to meet you too.”
He doubted it.
Caspian was perfectly behaved throughout the meal. Like a good little boy, he only spoke when spoken to. He said please and thank you, declined the wine, declined to join in with the pulling of Lachlan’s leg regarding some outlandish behaviour with whipped cream at law school. Apparently, Elise was due to give birth in August. A boy.
“We’re going to be aunts,” Cressida said with a giggle.
Caspian was sure he wasn’t wanted as an uncle.
Prison wasn’t mentioned. It was as if Caspian had just stepped off the planet for a while and although he was now back, everyone had been warned not to talk about his experience.
Elise tried to include him, but he had nothing to contribute to most discussions.
“Lachlan tells me you like to invent things,” she said.
“Yes.”
When he didn’t say anything else his mother glared at him.
“What’s your most recent invention?” Elise asked.
“I had an idea for a band to wear on your wrist when you go swimming in the sea. If you get into trouble, you can press a button and it inflates a brightly coloured balloon that will both keep you afloat and let out a piercing noise
. I thought that could be combined with something parents could activate if their kids strayed on the beach and became lost.”
“Already been done,” his father snapped.
Caspian deflated.
“Sounds like something I’d definitely want.” Elise smiled at him but Caspian looked away.
“Me too,” said Lachlan. “You remember that time Cressida wandered off in France and we couldn’t find her? Some sort of alert system would have been brilliant. What else have you thought of, Caspian?”
Caspian ran through the things he’d shown their father and every time his father tried to shoot him down, Lachlan stopped him. It wasn’t his imagination. There was some issue between Lachlan and their father. Lachlan was arguing for Caspian.
“Why don’t you support him?” Lachlan snapped.
“I’m not putting money into something that has no value.”
“You dare to sit there and suggest Caspian has no value? After everything he’s done?”
“What has he done?” Araminta asked.
“Be quiet,” snapped their father.
“No,” Lachlan said. “They should know. They might not have been old enough then, but they are now.”
Caspian held his breath.
Elise wrapped her hand over Lachlan’s where he gripped a napkin.
“One irrational act. One moment of panic that changed everything. Caspian wasn’t driving that day. I was. I killed those girls. I dragged Caspian into the driver’s seat, ran home, ran someplace safe, and told Father what I’d done. I was panicking, petrified. I knew I’d done something terrible and not just to the girls, but Father told me to wash my clothes, hide my shoes, go to bed and we’d let Caspian take the blame.”
“Oh shit,” Cressida whispered.
“We thought he’d not even go to prison whereas I would, and it would put an end to me being a lawyer. I’m not trying to pass the blame to someone else.” He raised his head to his father. “I was driving. It was all my fault. But you should have picked up the phone and called the police. You were the adult. I wasn’t thinking straight but you thought logically about the consequences and sacrificed Caspian who you’d already decided was never going to amount to much.”
Lachlan sighed. “I shouldn’t have let it happen but I did.” He looked across the table to Caspian. “Caspian kept quiet, just as we’d asked him too, but he wouldn’t plead guilty because he wasn’t guilty, so he ended up serving five years in prison.”
“You girls keep your mouths shut,” their father barked. “There’s nothing to be gained from the truth coming out now.”
“Did you know?” Araminta asked their mother.
“Yes.”
“What?” the twins chorused.
“I have done Caspian harm in so many ways,” Lachlan whispered. “We’ve all treated him badly. Pouring scorn on him. Teasing him for not doing well at school. Laughing at his sketches and inventions. Not trying to understand him. Not appreciating how difficult being dyslexic made his life. Believing him to be a failure when he’s a better person than any of us.”
Caspian swallowed.
“Outing him to Father the day of the accident started an avalanche of wrongs. I thought it was funny that you were gay. I was a prat. I’ve said I’m sorry and yet I can never say sorry enough. I’ve suffered too in my own way. I’m not asking for pity, of course I’m not, I don’t deserve it, but guilt has eaten away at me for the entire time you were inside.” He turned to their father. “You knew how I felt. You threatened that if I opened my mouth, I’d ruin more than my life. The whole family would suffer. So I kept quiet for my mother and my sisters, and for you with your political ambitions, and I hated myself.”
Lachlan was shaking. He looked as if he was going to be sick.
“Is this why you hardly ever come here?” their mother asked.
“Hard to be courteous to an arrogant, domineering arsehole.”
“The arsehole who paid your school fees?” their father snapped. “University fees? Accommodation? Paid for your car? The arsehole who’s supported you for your entire life?” His face had reddened with fury.
“And what a role model you are,” Lachlan snapped. “I was weak, but you are Caspian’s father. I can’t imagine doing what you did to a child of my own. I don’t think you know what love is. Neither of you.” He glanced at their mother who’d paled.
Had Lachlan really changed? Caspian had so rarely had support from his brother he found it hard to believe it was happening now.
“I promised Caspian I’d spend the rest of my life making up for what happened and that’s what I’m doing. Helping disadvantaged kids has given me more pleasure than I could ever have dreamed. I like working for a firm that sees the value in letting their employees do pro bono work.”
“You could have been earning twice as much with a magic circle firm. I got you in. All you had to do was say yes.”
“I didn’t want to. I left it too late, but I finally stood up to you. Working for free for an LGBTQ charity has opened my eyes to what life is like for those who are different, those who have to face prejudice and hatred because of their sexuality. I’ve had a privileged life. I’m not ungrateful for that but I wanted to give something back.” He faced his father. “Your disapproval told me it was exactly what I should be doing.”
“You’re wasting your time and talents,” his father shouted. “You won’t make partner.”
“I don’t care. I want to be around for my son in a way you never were for us.” Lachlan turned to Caspian. “I’ve wanted to go and speak to the police on so many occasions. I should have done. I didn’t. But I want you to know that I am on your side. Elise and I are on your side.” She squeezed Lachlan’s fingers. “I don’t have much money, but I’ll help you with one of your schemes. Come and live with us. We don’t have much space, but we’ll make room.”
“Get out of my house.”
Caspian widened his eyes. Their father was on his feet waving his arms around. Lachlan and Elise stood up.
“Come with us,” Lachlan said.
“I can’t. I’m not allowed. I have to stay here.”
But Caspian followed them outside.
“Five years too late,” Lachlan said. “If you need to tell someone where you’re living, do it and come to us.”
Caspian shook his head. “I’d be a crap babysitter. You don’t need me around.”
“He’s changed, Caspian,” Elise said. “I promise he has. But if you want him to go to the police and tell the truth, we’ll face the consequences.”
Lachlan wrapped his arm around her.
“No. That’s not what I want.”
Lachlan exhaled. “You’ve got my number, right? If you need anything, call me.”
Caspian nodded.
“I don’t like leaving you when he’s in this sort of mood.”
“What more can he do? I’ll be fine.”
He watched until he couldn’t see his brother’s car anymore. Then he went back into the house.
“Study. Now,” his father snapped and strode off.
Curiosity about what his father wanted to say pulled Caspian after him.
“Shut the door.”
Caspian slammed it. His father glared.
“See what you’ve done?” his father yelled and Caspian’s curiosity faded.
He stood while his father railed about his selfishness, his immaturity, his pig-headedness and he knew that the guy would never change. He blamed Caspian for Lachlan’s outburst, for his brother’s refusal to join the law firm his father had wanted, for Lachlan letting him down, letting the family down. When he finally paused, Caspian opened his mouth. “It was you who broke this family.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. If you hadn’t run away that day, I wouldn’t have had to send Lachlan after you. All this is your fault. You are not to take a penny from your brother. If you do, I’ll make sure anything you do will fail.”
Caspian’s heart lurched. His father went on and on and e
ven though Caspian told himself to walk away, he didn’t. He just let the abuse and disapproval wash over him until it started to drown him. He wondered why he’d thought a hostel would be worse than this.
But then he wouldn’t have seen Zed again. Probably.
Maybe that would have been for the better.
Finally, his father shut up and slumped in his chair.
“Want to add—I wish you’d never been born—into that?” Caspian asked.
He turned before his father could answer and saw his mother horror-struck in the doorway. Caspian edged past her. He wasn’t part of this family anymore. He hadn’t been since the day Lachlan had left him in the car. He grabbed a blanket from the cupboard next to the kitchen, a bottle of water from the pantry and made his way to the treehouse using a roundabout route.
Strange, when you were sinking, that you didn’t always want to press the flotation device that would save you. Sometimes, you just wanted to keep going down. Caspian climbed up into the treehouse and dropped the hatch into place. Once the blanket was spread, he sat down, took the package of tablets out of his pocket and lined them up on a plank.
Twelve 60 gm tablets. He figured that was plenty. He stood the bottle of water next to them, then lay on his back.
In prison, he’d come up with a technique of deliberately un-focusing his eyes to make his surroundings blur. A way of making everything not real without resorting to drugs like Spice. He shouldn’t want to blur the outside world. He should be drinking it in, but he hadn’t countered on being so…disappointed.
He didn’t know how long he’d been lying there when he heard someone on the ladder.
“Do I have to huff and puff and blow your house down?” Zed asked.
If Caspian let him in, let him see the line of tablets, that would be what he was doing to Zed’s life—blowing it down.
“Go away, Wolfie,” Caspian said.
“I’m not leaving until I’ve talked to you,” Zed said. “Open the hatch.”
Caspian reached over and flipped it up. As Zed climbed in, Caspian lay down again.
Zed sat beside him. “I take it they’re not vitamins. Do they happen to be my father’s tablets?”
The Story of Us Page 37
