Leaving campus would result in automatic expulsion from the program and deportation. The candidates were trapped like bugs in a bottle. Their surroundings were pretty, but they were in prison nonetheless. They couldn’t leave.
I rubbed my temples. A migraine was starting. I wondered if the candidates should wear uniforms. Dr. Heinrich said it was up to me.
I was using helpless prisoners as pawns in an experiment. How was I any different than Stanley Milgraum? I was worse. At least he paid actors to pretend to be learners. They were not actually being hurt. It was just a farce.
My prisoners were real. They could be hurt, and they would be. But they would be hurt no matter what I did. All across America, similar programs were being implemented, in places even more isolated and resistive to diversity than Baylor. God only knew what would happen there.
I was not a modern day Mengele, experimenting on helpless, terrified people in my custody. Not at all.
They wouldn’t be seriously hurt.
Not anymore than they would have been anyway.
Was this a test of my humanity as well?
I was immersed in research when the girl tapped on the door. “I’m going to get going,” Maggie said. “You’re sure you don’t want me to stay for dinner? I could at least cook something for Helmut.” She eyed me doubtfully.
I waved a dismissive hand at her. “I’ll order pizza,” I said.
“Would you like me to stay tonight?” There was a pleading, needy tone in her voice that she tried unsuccessfully to squash.
I pressed my lips together. “I think we should put that on hold until after the program,” I said.
Maggie’s eyes filled with tears. “Really?” she asked, in a small voice.
“Oh, no, I’m not breaking up with you! I just think it’s best if you stay on campus at night. With only five counselors, it would be noticeable if you didn’t.”
There was a distance between us, an insurmountable gulf. Maggie was so young, so vulnerable, that it troubled me. What was I doing? I was not some horny professor panting after students with my dick hanging out.
I rose and crossed to the girl, reaching out a trembling hand to stroke her magnificent curly locks. “It’s only six weeks,” I soothed. “And then we’ll forget it ever happened.”
When Maggie departed a few minutes later, I was unsure I’d put her anxiety to rest. I had just claimed not to have broken up with her, but the truth was I had, hadn’t I? “No,” I said aloud to the empty room.
This was only a break. A necessary one. How could I effectively supervise the girl if I was having an affair with her?
“What’s wrong with my angel?” Helmut asked, materializing in the doorway.
“Nothing, Papa,” I assured him, taking him by the arm to lead him to the kitchen. “She’s just upset that she won’t be able to spend as much time here because of her summer job.”
He looked distressed. “I’m going to see her again, won’t I?”
“Of course!” I snapped, much more vehemently than I intended. “She’s going to be here tomorrow, for God’s sake!”
I dropped my head, a hand straying up to massage the tension from the back of my neck. Yes, Maggie would return tomorrow, and then I would explain myself better. I’m not breaking up with her.
Maybe we could work out a compromise. The counselors were alternating weekends working. Maggie could stay here on her weekends off. She could just tell everyone she was going home to visit her family. It was all going to work out.
Maggie
As I trudged home, my tears of pain turned into fury. The hell with Ursula. Here I was, worrying about how the woman would feel about me hanging out with Will, and she didn’t even care. Instead, she was welcoming the opportunity to get rid of me.
Why didn’t anyone ever care about me? Not even my own family cared. I was cursed.
My heart was aching. I loved Ursula and Helmut. The thought of not seeing them anymore made my chest feel so tight I could barely draw a breath. I didn’t even feel that way about my own flesh and blood. I didn’t care if I ever saw them again.
I clattered back into the dorm. It was silent. Everyone else was out enjoying the lovely summer day.
I would go to dinner with Will and allow myself to enjoy spending time with a handsome man, even if he was kind of a douche. And I would let the ghosts of the Reiter house inhabit the shadows without me tonight.
Back in my room, I left the door open, the universal invitation for people to stop by to chat. During the year I never left it open, even though it was expected of Resident Assistants, carefully guarding my privacy. I preferred to be locked away from the judgmental eyes of others. But not today. Today I was going to start doing things differently.
I looked up from my Kindle when I heard a tap on the open door.
“Reading,” Will said with a derisive laugh. “For pleasure, no less. Won’t catch me doing that. I’ll only read if it’s for a class.”
I put the tablet aside. “Well, you’re missing out,” I informed him, with a coquettish toss of my hair. “Have you given any thought to where you’d like to go to dinner tonight?”
“Yup.” He dangled his car keys in front of me. “I was just thinking, why stay in Baylor? Is there some law that we can’t go for a drive, find someplace nice? Saranac Lake and Lake Placid are just an hour away, why not drive to civilization?”
“That sounds terrific,” I said. “I don’t have a car, so I’m usually stuck in Baylor, unless I take the bus.”
“The bus,” Will snorted. “Anyway, I need to get out of this town. Just for a few hours, to reassure myself I didn’t somehow get sent back to the year 1955.”
I laughed. “What will you do if it turns out to be 1955 everywhere?”
“At least the prices will be cheaper,” he remarked. He offered me his arm. “Shall we?”
Down in the parking lot, as the sun glittered off the hoods of the cars, Will opened the passenger side door for me. In that moment, it suddenly occurred to me that Will did not regard this outing as two coworkers grabbing dinner. No. He was taking me on a date.
My first date. I was dressed appropriately, in a purple flowered sundress, although that was purely by accident. I preferred the simplicity of a dress during the hot summer months.
Ursula had never taken me on a date. Such a thing was impossible. Although, she could have taken me out of town, like Will.
But I knew Ursula didn’t like to be away from Helmut for long, unless she was working, and she didn’t like driving long distances. Helmut was Ursula’s whole life. I knew that when I got involved with her. I couldn’t hold that against her.
Will slid into the driver’s seat beside me. “Off we go, milady,” he said in a horrible English accent that made me giggle.
I was touched by his little gestures to put me at ease. I couldn’t believe a man as handsome of Will was taking me on a date, pathetic Maggie Dunlap. I’d even beaten a cute sorority chick out for the honor.
Even though I was a lesbian. Wasn’t I?
Months ago, I decided to just let the pieces fall where they may, instead of worrying about labels. The truth was, I was afraid of being a lesbian, being the daughter of the highly critical, sharp tongued Jana Dunlap. I was terrified of my mother’s judgment. I coped by putting all thoughts of my sexuality out of my head and mentally avoiding the subject.
Now I was on a date with a man. A handsome man. As he drove, I admired his profile, the strong rugged lines of his jaw, the blue eyes, the smattering of freckles over the bridge of his nose adding an adorably boyish touch. When he flashed a smile, a dimple appeared in one cheek.
Ursula had practically broken up with me this afternoon. She wasn’t holding me back from dating Will. There was no reason not to date him. Or at least give him a chance. If it didn’t feel right, I could always tell him we can be friends.
With that final thought, I pledged to enjoy the evening ahead.
Chapter Seventeen
Maggi
e
“I hope you like Mexican,” Will said, as he expertly parallel parked in front of a stone façade. Hacienda Tres Amigos was engraved in cursive on the front of the building.
“I do,” I assured him.
“This building is made from real adobe bricks,” Will informed me. “I read it online, when I was researching places for us to go. It has great Yelp reviews.”
“We’re definitely in the twenty-first century,” I remarked, trying to be witty.
Inside it was shady and cool. A fountain was displayed in the foyer. Its base glittered with coins.
Will handed me a penny. “Make a wish.”
I closed my eyes. What to wish for? I just want everything to work out, I wished, then tossed the penny.
“Penny for your thoughts. What did you wish for?”
“What did you wish for?” I retorted.
He snorted and waggled his eyebrows at me, his meaning clear.
I was a bit taken aback, but I forced a smile. Stop being a prude. You’ve done things that would shock the hell out of him, so quit the innocent maiden act.
He wanted sex from me. What did I expect? That he wanted to make me his princess? Life wasn’t a Disney movie, and courtly love was a vanished concept. Money didn’t make the world go around, sex did.
There was no wait for a table. A waiter garbed in a white blouse, black pants, and a big sombrero selected two menus for us, and led the way to a table. “Welcome to The Hacienda,” he said with a terrific Spanish accent, laughable coming from a freckled, All American face.
Will requested a table on the veranda. As the host seated us, the server stopped by to light the candle in the middle of our table. Looking around, I felt a sudden rush of contentment. It was a beautiful summer evening. Dusk was falling, and the stars were coming out.
For a normal person, dinner on the deck of a restaurant wasn’t a big deal, but for me it was a momentous occasion. My parents never took me out to dinner. Even McDonald’s was a rare treat.
My life could be like this all the time, going out to dinner, doing fun activities, instead of being stuck inside a haunted house all day.
The server set complimentary chips and freshly made salsa on the table.
“This is really nice,” I said. “Much nicer than anyplace in Baylor.”
Will grinned. “I did my research,” he bragged. “I wanted our first date to be special.”
My smile faltered. I was giving him the wrong idea. Or perhaps I wasn’t. I was confused. I didn’t know what I wanted. I never felt sexually attracted to Ursula, our explosive romance just happened. Maybe it would be the same way with Will, if I just gave it a chance.
The candlelight, Will’s boyish desire to please, the spicy food, and the simple joy in being away from Baylor made it a wonderful night. I ordered a cheese quesadilla, and Will ordered a cheese enchilada. We shared our food. Conversation flowed easily, with the assistance of a frozen margarita. I wasn’t much of a drinker, so I was buzzing after just a few sips.
“This really is fantastic,” I breathed, when Will encouraged me to order dessert.
It was fully dark by the time we finished our fried ice cream. “I’m not quite ready to return to 1955,” Will announced, as we belted ourselves back in the car. “Let’s drive around for a bit.”
We followed the same road the restaurant was on, Route 11, out beyond the town, into the wilderness. Miles of farmland rolled past the window. “I really do feel like I’m in the middle of nowhere,” Will declared with a shake of his head.
“We are,” I told him.
“That’s reassuring,” he said. “Damn, why did I choose Baylor, out of all the universities in the world? I could have gone to Albany, or Buffalo, or New York City, exciting places filled with people.”
“The lack of crowding is a bonus,” I pointed out. “There’s no rush hour to speak of, up here. Funny, when I go home to visit, the sheer volume of people freaks me out. I never noticed it before I came here, now everywhere else seems crowded.”
Will fell silent for a moment, then abruptly broke it. “So, Dr. Reiter,” he said out of nowhere, startling me. “What’s she like, up close and personal?”
Did he sense this was a sensitive topic? I stalled for a moment, pretending to be captivated by the passing scenery. “She’s very dedicated,” I said. “She’s devoted her entire life to studying the Holocaust.”
Will shuddered. “That explains a lot. Seriously. No wonder she’s such a ghoul.”
I flinched. “I don’t know if she told you, but her father’s a Holocaust survivor. He was at Auschwitz.”
“No, she didn’t tell me,” he said. “We talked about my qualifications during the interview. She didn’t share her history. What did you talk about during your interview?”
What should I say to that? “I didn’t have an interview,” I admitted. “I didn’t even want this job. I just wanted to relax this summer, read, ride my bike, and take care of Helmut. She talked me into it.”
“You didn’t want the money?” Will asked in disbelief.
“No,” I said.
Will peered at the digital clock on the dashboard. “We should turn back,” he said. “Early morning tomorrow.”
We rode back to campus in silence. I studied Will’s profile in the moonlight. Did I like him? I didn’t know. What’s wrong with me? I wondered. I didn’t fall in love like everyone else. I didn’t have crushes or feelings for people like all the women around me, yet another reason I didn’t fit in with my peers.
It wasn’t just a lack of attraction to men. It was a lack of attraction to anyone. Even after all this time, having made love with Ursula too many times to count, I still couldn’t say I was a lesbian with any confidence. I enjoyed sex when it was offered, but I didn’t obsess over it, like everyone else. I was more interested in sharing a person’s mind than their body.
But I was riding in a car with a handsome guy, and that made me as close to normal as I’d ever been in my entire life. All I ever wanted was normalcy, but it had eluded me. I had stopped trying. The only person who motivated me to try to bridge the enormous gulf between myself and everyone else was an older version of me.
I was learning to love myself through loving Ursula.
“Home sweet home,” Will quipped, as we passed the sign proclaiming this to be the Town of Baylor, Jewel of Northern New York! “Jewel my ass,” he scoffed, glancing at me for approval.
I felt a flash of irritation. It was true that Baylor was oppressive, and that it was stuck in the 1950s, but I still felt some loyalty towards the town. It had its good points.
“We have to be up at seven tomorrow,” I said, attempting to cover the awkward silence. This was precisely why I don’t go on dates with handsome men. Because I never knew what to say or do, and it was always the wrong thing. I could have just laughed off his joke about Baylor. It wasn’t a big deal. But I made it one by refusing to give it a token giggle.
I had to be true to myself. One could never accuse Maggie Dunlap of phoniness.
The lot behind the dorm was deserted except for a few cars. I loved the peace and quiet of the campus in the summer, but the emptiness made me long for the return of the students.
As we stepped out of the car, I took a moment to gaze up at the stars. At home in Mount Holland, the lights of the city had been so close, the horizon always glowed slightly, spoiling the view of the stars glittering in the midnight blue sky.
“Beautiful,” Will breathed in awe, hands in pockets, peering up as well.
I twisted my neck to look at him, and then his lips were on mine, his hands sliding around to rub my back in circles.
I parted my lips automatically, and he pushed his tongue into my mouth, warm and wet and slippery. Instead of being in the moment, feeling passion, I clinically analyzed my feelings as if from afar. Did I like him kissing me?
I neither liked it nor disliked it. It was neither pleasant nor unpleasant. I wasn’t repulsed, nor did I feel the need to continu
e.
I stepped back. Will put his arm around my shoulder. “Beautiful night, beautiful girl,” he said, shepherding me inside. “Maybe Baylor was the right choice after all.”
He kissed me again outside my room. Did he expect me to invite him in? Panic seized me. Then what? Just as I’d passively allowed him to kiss me, I would let him fuck me, too.
Fortunately, he pulled away, pressing his fingers against his lips, as if to seal my imprint on him forever. “Good night, Maggie,” he whispered.
Ursula
I dreamed I was hiding somewhere deep underground. I could hear the drumming of jackboots over my head, directly above, looking for me. My heart thudded against my rib case. There was nowhere to go, no escape. I was trapped. If they discovered my hiding place, it was all over.
I woke in a cold sweat, startled by a sound. Was it Papa?
No, it was the girl. Huddled in bed beside me, weeping.
I shook off the nightmare. The sense of complete terror, an emotion I’d never experienced in real life, lingered. My heart was still hammering in my chest.
“What on earth?” I asked. “Maggie, what’s wrong? Don’t cry. I didn’t mean to send you away today, you can still come here on weekends, please stop crying.”
Maggie shook her head and pulled her knees into her chest, rocking. I didn’t know what to do. I stroked the girl’s hair, like a mother comforting her child.
Chapter Eighteen
Ursula
The moment I had been anticipating and dreading for months was finally here.
It was late Sunday afternoon. The weather was unsettled, at turns sunny, then stormy, then back to sunny again. It was overcast and humid, the pregnant clouds threatening rain.
Baylor completely shut down on Sunday afternoons during the summer, but not today. Today was the day the candidates were arriving.
Only half the counselors were present. Will and Ariana were giggling together, the sudden gusts of wind from the approaching storm ruffling their hair. Maggie was amongst the counselors chosen to have the first weekend off. That hadn’t been my original plan, but the girl had been so emotional and fragile the last few days. And she wouldn’t explain why. It couldn’t have been anything I did, since I apologized for my actions last Monday repeatedly.
Hiding Places Page 14
