“Cassia…”
I sigh. “I know—they’re not right. I’ve never actually eaten a crepe before, let alone made them, so I’m stuck guessing. So far I’ve only made a mess, but I’ll keep trying. If I live in the kitchen until it’s time to leave, they may be edible. Astra brought a lifetime supply of ingredients so—”
“Leave?” He pushes off the cabinet with more grace than I could ever hope to have. The dim under-cabinet lights cast deep shadows across his face. The way his brows lower he almost looks worried, but it must be my imagination. “Where are you planning to go?”
“The note. Unlike you, I believe Ebris.” I wave the dirty whisk through the air. Like Goran said, I belong to the War God. As much as I hate the thought, Ebris is going to think the same way. “I’m yours, aren’t I? Which means when you don’t end the war, and you won’t—” I pause to glare at him—a challenge to him to deny it. “I’m in the line of fire.”
“Are you?” he asks, shifting closer still. “Mine?”
I twist the knob of the griddle to off with a deep breath. This again. Can’t we agree to be friends and leave the possessive pronouns out of it? “So I’ve been told,” I mumble.
“Listen.” He’s at my side, pulling the utensil from my hand. He pushes the warm griddle to the other end of the counter. “Ebris talks a big talk, but he won’t hurt you. It’s just a way to get to me. To make me bow to his demands. He isn’t so callous as to take my shortcomings out on someone who hasn’t done anything wrong.”
It feels like I have. At some point in my life, I must’ve done something so terrible that I ended up in this situation. Dead parents, a framed brother in enemy custody, murdered as a sacrifice. Karma is having a field day with me. No. I cross my arms over my chest. I didn’t do anything, and it’s time I stop feeling like I did.
“Do you believe me?” he asks.
That’s the question of the century. I want to, but it’s hard when he’s keeping something so important from me. “Goran said Ebris is changing the rules, so there’s no way you can know that for sure,” I say.
“Stop.” He takes my hands, removing them from my arms, and turns me to look at him. “I know how to deal with my brother.”
I snort. If that were true, he wouldn’t be where he is today. My eye twitches; that wasn’t a fair thought. “Are you going to do what he says?”
He turns sideways. “I spent the day helping Asgya. It could be seen as a step in the right direction.”
That doesn’t mean he’s working toward an end, just that he’s buying time. I shouldn’t complain either way. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t with the way he’s cradling my hands. His fingers curve gently around my wrist, his thumbs caressing my knuckles. I focus on the building heat there instead, sneaking a peek at his chest. Being alone with him, close to him, it doesn’t make this any easier. I have to ask him about Oren now while I still have the mind to speak.
“I need to talk to you about something.” I force myself to pull my hands away.
“Cassia.” His voice is low, almost a whisper. “Do you want to leave?”
“No.” I’m surprised by how much I mean that. It wasn’t that long ago I was trying to scale a cliff.
His shoulders slump as he exhales. My attention catches on the movement and travels down to his bare abdomen. A shiver races over me. No one looks like this in real life. Hard abs and corded muscle like that require massive amounts of airbrushing. Then again, this isn’t real life. He’s the God of War. It’s exactly what I should have expected. Should have but, somehow, didn’t. It robs my lungs of oxygen. Before I can look away, he moves closer. His breath tickles my forehead and my body hums with energy.
“Theo, we really have to talk about—”
He leans down, cutting me off, but hesitates before making contact with my lips. His eyes are startlingly blue this close with the tiniest flecks of silver. When I don’t move away, his mouth presses against mine. The gentleness catches me off guard. The kiss is a question seeking an answer. My answer. I lean toward him, responding with confidence. Sparks shoot to my core in a way they hadn’t before, lighting the embers there. It’s a slow burning fire, a careful scorch, that’s no less consuming.
All I know is the taste of him as he pulls me flush with his body. One hand presses against my lower back. His other hand snakes into my hair, and I push up on my toes to better meet him. My fingers are cool against his arms, and his scent mixes with the sweetness of tabowi fruit. His fingers blaze against the strip of skin at the hem of my sweater, and I draw a sharp breath.
“Should I stop?” he asks, husky, his lips still half pressed to mine.
Probably. But I don’t want him to. It feels too right. I wrap my hands around his neck and pull him back to me, deepening the kiss.
His hand glides further up my back, searing a trail up my spine. My hands slip down his chest, feeling every rippled muscle, and his grip tightens in my hair. He moves back until my waist presses against the counter and lifts me up. I circle his hips with my legs. His mouth travels across my cheek and down the side of my neck. His breath is blistering. My body will explode if I don’t get closer, but there’s barely any space left between us.
Rules, lies, and obligations be damned. I want him. I want him in every way and to never let go. When he guides my shirt over my head, leaving me in a tank top, I shake with nerves. My whole body is lit from the inside out.
“Are you cold?” he whispers.
“No talking.” I dart forward to kiss him again. The distance is too much. He doesn’t argue. His hands find my waist and I curse the fabric between us. I brush my fingers down his back and a small, hungry sound escapes him. His body presses closer, unconsciously pushing me back until I’m forced to place a hand on the counter to keep from falling.
My ribs throb under the pressure to contain my frantic heart. If Theo lets go now, I’ll burst. I loop my free arm around his back, holding him close with my thighs, and savor each second, so afraid this kiss will end like the others.
Theo pulls back enough to look me in the eye, his pupils blown wide, and brushes the hair from my face. “Cassia, can I…Can we…?”
Yes, yes, yes. But if we do this, he’ll be obligated to help Kisk, and I know how much he’ll hate it. And, by proxy, me. I want something different for us.
“But you said—”
“I don’t care,” he breathes. His fingers glide over my collarbone.
The little resistance I’m clinging to wanes. Why does this have to be so complicated? I know what I want to do but…“But what about the war?”
“I don’t care.” His breath shakes, his arms trembling against me. “You’re the only war I can’t win. The only war I don’t want to.”
A chill runs up the length of my body. My insides quake. I can’t decide if I want to laugh or cry, but I don’t do either. Instead, I lean forward and kiss the soft spot behind his ear.
“Take me upstairs.”
A line of sunlight cuts through a crack in the heavy curtains. Black and brown fibers weave through the rug beneath my feet—some places still vivid while others are worn dull from years of traffic. I rest my elbows on my knees as my gaze follows the interlocking border.
Cassia’s presence burns at my back. She’s curled under the sheet, her hair spread over my pillow, and the scent of jasmine clings to my skin. Each of her breaths, soft and steady, pulsate through me. A battering ram to my chest. A sharp twist in my stomach.
She didn’t steal my control; I gave it to her. I know it’s time to end the war, so there isn’t much to hand over, but I did it nonetheless. This may make Ebris think he’s won, that I’m about to remove the main battleground from play only because I have to, but it doesn’t matter. It can’t matter. It’s done and there’s no taking it back. There was a choice last night and I chose her. I would make the same decision again. I shouldn’t regret it—I don’t—but it doesn’t make the consequences any easier to swallow.
I blow out a long bre
ath and push to my feet. Opening the wardrobe, I take a white T-shirt from the top of the stack and pull it over my head. I grab a gray button up to go over it and a pair of black jeans. I cringe as the row of buttons on the fly jingles. I’m not afraid of facing Cassia. Not really. But, what if she regrets it?
When I turn around, my breath catches. The pillow is at an angle as Cassia half hugs it with her chin tucked toward her chest. A bare shoulder peeks out from under the sheet. Her lips form a soft O and an ache begins in my chest. It seems impossible someone could be this beautiful. That, in all my time visiting her world, I’ve never seen someone come close. It’s as if there’s a light shining inside her. Bright. Flawless.
From the moment I saw her in Kisk, she’s been a fighter. Strong in her own way. A soldier in her personal battle. Caring. Impulsive. Difficult. And she chose me. After everything, she still chose me. It’s almost too hard to believe.
We could have lived as separately as possible. I think that’s what she wanted at first, and definitely what I wanted if she was going to stay at all. I tried to stay away and went so far as to talk Goran into interrupting us during the scavenger hunt. But each kiss begged for another. The distance chipped at my foundation, ravaged my being. Perhaps she only came to me out of loneliness before, but it doesn’t feel like that now. We moved together perfectly. Instinctively and without hesitation.
I’ve never been so wholly consumed by anything before. The thought sends goosebumps racing over my skin. I never knew it was possible to be so happy and terrified at the same time. I ease back onto the mattress and graze her cheek with the backs of my fingers. I wish we could freeze this moment before reality takes the reins. Before I have to go to the war room. Before she has the chance to tell me last night was a mistake. I only want this moment, replayed forever, in the quiet hush of the morning.
Cassia’s face twitches beneath my hand, and her eyes flutter open. She sits up with a gasp, holding the navy sheet tight to her chest. Her hair sweeps over her shoulders. “Theo.”
“Morning.” My smile flares into place, and I trail a finger down the length of her arm. She shifts, her face skewing into a wince. “Are you okay?”
“Fine.” She brushes my hand away. “I’m…fine.”
My stomach lurches. Here it comes. I won’t be able to stand hearing it yet. Ever. Numbness spreads up my arms the longer she’s quiet. Each second is torture. Every breath more painful than the last until she finally looks at me.
“Theo,” she says again, this time with an edge. My pulse echoes in my ears. Don’t say we shouldn’t have done that. Please don’t. “I know what last night means for you and how much you didn’t want this to happen.”
The relief of what she didn’t say feeds my panic. Last night meant everything to me. She has to understand that before she says another word. I lean across the bed and take her face in both hands. “Look at me.” A few long seconds pass before she listens. “It’s true. I never wanted to lose my control, and I’ve never given it up for anyone before.”
“Because you killed them,” she blurts. “We played one stupid game of Fate, so for some reason you couldn’t do the same to me. Now look at what happened.” A hollow laugh rattles from her throat.
I press my lips to hers so hard it hurts. When I pull back, it’s only enough to meet her gaze. “I’m glad we played that stupid game. I’m glad you’re here. Right here. I’m not sorry.”
She takes a sharp breath, ducking her head. “But now you have to help Kisk.”
“I already decided to end the war. That’s where I was yesterday—finding a way for Asgya to fight back. It’s gone too far, and I can’t risk my family doing anything more to make matters worse. I know you don’t care about the Kiskens, but they’ll be saved too. As many as possible.” I take a deep breath. There’s no point saving the island now outside of accepting Cassia’s sacrifice, but it’s part of the deal. “If you came here to save them, to steal my choices, I wouldn’t have touched you. This battle ended for me when you told me to do nothing for the island. I didn’t want to admit to it back then, but I don’t want to fight this anymore.”
I kiss her again, softer, and her lips push back in response. My body goes numb to everything else. She has to believe me. She has to. I will the truth into her as I draw closer. This is right, no matter the price. I’ll gladly pay it a thousand times over.
After a second, her fingers touch my shoulder, gently pressing me back. Her eyes travel over my face. Searching. Penetrating. Urgent as if the answer she’s looking for is the only thing that matters in the world. Finally, she exhales, the corners of her mouth quirking, and softly shakes her head. “If someone told me this would happen the day I got here, I would’ve thought they were insane.” She places a gentle hand on mine. “I don’t want you to think I didn’t want this, Theo, but I’m worried you’ll resent me for it later.”
I sag against her, pressing my forehead to hers, but my chest is still uneasy. There’s no way I could hate her. Not when I willingly gave her this control over me.
“Never,” I breathe.
“Theo?” She hesitates. “There’s still something I need to talk to you about.”
Sadness tinges her words. Low and uncertain. I can’t listen to her doubts without being destroyed. Not right now. Not yet. I would be lost. Shattered. Any hope I hold of something better for the future—better than endless games with my siblings and desperate grabs for power—obliterated. It would break me beyond repair. No. Not yet. I’ll hold onto this happiness as long as I can. Longer.
“I better get to work,” I say before she has the chance to blurt out my death sentence. I break away and shrug the dress shirt on over the T-shirt. “Goran and I will likely be gone a lot over the next few days.”
“Why?” She balls the sheet tight in her fist. Her body angles to follow my trek around the bed, color splashing her cheeks.
I occupy myself with the shirt buttons. “Whether we meant for this outcome or not, I still have to honor my obligation to you.” It won’t be easy considering how aggressive Volkana is. Even after the debacle with the antimatter, they’re rallying men on the northeastern tip of the country, ready to attack. I’ll manage though, with Goran’s help. Somehow. My sword rests beside the headboard, and as I lean down to grab it, I kiss her cheek.
“Promise me something,” she whispers.
I hesitate. “What?”
“Don’t get blown up again.”
Warmth explodes in my chest and I smile. “I’ll do my best. You’re welcome to stay here and get some rest. It’ll be well after dark when I get back.” If I return tonight. This may take longer than I expect, considering I have my siblings to deal with on top of everything.
She rests a hand over my wrist as I buckle the sword to my hip. “We can talk later though, right?”
Fear snakes through my veins. Each palpitation pushes it further into my soul until the dread nearly sends me to my knees. Instead, I lean over her and plant a final kiss on her left temple. “As soon as I have time.”
Goran bends over the round war table, stretching to reach the center. Glass pieces are arranged across the board, a new color sprinkled amongst the red and blue. Green. But Kisk has no fighters left to put on the board.
“Good, you’re up,” he says. He straightens his back until it cracks and surveys his handiwork. After a moment, he reaches down and moves another piece.
I carefully pick my way over to him, more nervous than I should be. It seems like an easy enough thing to tell him the war is changing. It’s not. I’ve held so strongly to my resolve that I’m not sure how to let it go. I want to, I need to, but once I say the words out loud, everything will be different.
“I expected you earlier.” Goran fights a yawn.
I stand across the table from him and lean my palms on the scrolled edge. “It’s barely past dawn.” My eyebrows shoot up as I scan the board. There are more Kisken pieces than Kisken people on the island, let alone soldiers. “We have a lot to
do today,” I hedge.
“Oh, I know.” He continues shifting pieces as he grins like a madman. “My room is right down the hall from yours.”
Of course it is. I work my jaw side to side and keep my gaze safely on the table. At least I don’t have to explain myself. He doesn’t have to look so smug about it though.
“I think I have a plan,” he says, holding back a laugh.
“You have a plan already? How long have you been down here?”
“I’m neither blind nor stupid, Theodric. As much as you bristled at the idea, I knew this day was coming. I thought after the war, but I started working on this just in case. Also, since you asked, I’ve been hiding down here all night.” He slides a blue glass airplane on a thin pillar along the far edge of the board and smirks. “All night.”
I laugh. I should have known Goran would support whatever happened, but it’s a relief to be met with humor instead of resignation. “When this is sorted out, we should talk about rearranging rooms,” I say. Assuming Cassia isn’t planning on crushing me into a fine powder. She’s tried to talk to me about something so many times that I can feel the weight of it resting on my shoulders.
“Indeed,” he says in a light tone. “I’m happy for you.”
The reds and blues and greens on the table blur against the black base. This changes everything. My entire life. But it also changes his. “Should you be?”
“Of course.” He lowers his brows. “You should be happy for yourself as well.”
I grunt, noncommittal, but I am happy. For the first time in a long time. “Where are you getting all the Kiskens?” I ask.
“The Volk and Asgyan prisoner camps.” Pride lights his expression. “They’ll need time to heal and regain their strength, but most of them should be able to shoot a gun.”
I hold my breath, staring at the red cube in Volkana. Their largest prisoner camp, nestled at the base of a mountain before the terrain gives way to desert, houses Cassia’s brother. It isn’t part of the deal to save him, but that doesn’t mean I can’t. I don’t have to be obligated in order to do something like this. I never did. I’m allowed to do something for the sole purpose of making someone else happy. Making her happy.
Fragile Chaos Page 17
