A wrinkled woman with long strings of crystalline hair shimmers toward the back of the crowd. Perfect. I step in her direction but another soul flashes in front of me. I lean back on my heels to avoid crashing into him. “Sorry,” I breathe. “I didn’t see you.”
“You,” he says. A large fracture splits his skull. Cracks web out and chips flake around the gaping hole. I step away and try not to stare at what must be a grisly wound to his actual body. “You’re not supposed to be here.”
My nerves fire warning zaps along my spine. “Excuse me?”
“You’re not like us.” He matches each of my backward steps with one forward. “You shouldn’t be here.”
My breath catches and I almost look for Leander, but I’m too afraid to look away. “It’s okay.” I hold my hands up.
“But you’re here.” He cocks his head.
“Temporarily.” My voice shakes.
He blinks rapidly. “And I’m here.”
“I see that.” My skin tingles and I shove down my rising panic. Any fast movement might set him off, and I have no intention of finding out which of us is faster. “Leander?” I call.
The soul latches onto my arm. “It isn’t fair,” he shouts.
A million icy needles penetrate me at once. The pain blinds me, my muscles convulsing. “Leander!” His name rips from my throat.
An arm wraps around my waist, yanking me backward, but the soul doesn’t surrender his grip. Another scream rips from my throat as the skin under his hand burns with frost. Then Leander is beside me, his hand around the soul’s throat. He tears the man away with one stiff tug and slams him to the ground. The man hits the rock with a sickening crack. Fury lights Leander’s eyes, an expression I never would have thought he could show, and he drags the soul toward the arch. He tosses him through the onyx columns while the others flee the vicinity.
“Sorry,” he says, running back. “I turned around for a minute and…Murder victims are almost always vengeful.” He looks over my shoulder and back. “Are you okay?”
I nod, a roar filling my ears. I’m far from okay; it feels as if any move I make will splinter my body. When I reach for him, for the comfort of feeling a living thing, the arm around my waist tightens. I can barely feel the touch around my frozen middle, but I tear myself away as panic seizes my chest. I trip and land hard on the ground at Leander’s feet.
“What is she doing on this side of the Black River?” a voice growls.
I jerk to my knees. Theo?
Leander offers me his hand and helps me to my feet. “She’s looking for her brother.”
I stay close to Leander, fearing both the souls that watch us from a distance and Theo’s purpose in visiting the Netherworld. Has Ebris changed his mind? Has the war gone off course? The arch aches at my back—either a warning or an invitation.
“It’s fine. I’m fine. I wanted to be useful,” I say, blinking back the panic.
“It’s not fine,” Theo says. “I could’ve lost you forever.”
I shake my head to ease the ringing in my ears. I swear he said he would lose me forever. As if he hasn’t already. “Isn’t that what you want?” My voice is laced with pain, my vocal cords taut and weary. “To seek your revenge and never see me again?”
His face tightens and his gaze drops to my chin. The way his mouth twitches, it looks as if he’s chewing the inside corner of his mouth. He steps forward with half of his body. “I didn’t mean what I said.” He speaks quietly, halting between words. “I wouldn’t have been able to do it. To kill you. I didn’t mean…” His voice cracks.
Another screeching murmur builds as the souls creep forward. I’m not sure if they’re merely curious or angry about what happened, but the atmosphere is different, thicker. The hair on the back of my neck stands on end. “Can we get out of here?” I ask.
Leander turns so his back blocks me from most of the souls. “Theodric, take her.”
Theo grabs my hand and I narrow my eyes at Leander. Knowing he has to deal with the souls doesn’t stop me from feeling as if he tossed me to a wolf as Theo strides back onto the river. My stomach flops.
“Wait,” I whimper, ashamed at the desperation in my voice. He pauses a few feet from shore and turns his head to the side, waiting for a reason. If walking across the river is bad, standing on it is worse. “Nevermind. Keep going. If you let go of me, I swear I’ll haunt you for all eternity.”
I catch the hint of a smile before he faces forward again. Walking with Leander was slow and sure. Nerve-wracking but not as terrifying as Theo’s heavy footfalls slamming against the invisible barrier. I wipe away the water as it splashes my face and try not to dry heave. When we finally—finally—reach the other side, the force of hitting solid ground reverberates up my legs.
Theo leads me around the base of the mountain instead of up the stairs to Leander’s back entrance. His steady pull is the only thing keeping me moving, and the warmth of his hand spreads throughout my body, chasing away the chill. Without the energy to pull away, I allow myself a moment to enjoy the familiarity of it.
It isn’t something I ever expected to feel again—his hand in mind. His expression when he said he would lose me…That was real. There’s no reason he should fake it after everything, but I clamp down on the thought. It’s dangerous to let my mind wander in that direction. It will only hurt more when he leaves. I tug free from his grip and stop.
His shoulder blades shift under his cotton shirt. The soft blues and yellows of the Netherworld play against the deep tan on his arms. “Cassia—”
“No. You don’t get to go first.” A deep breath scratches at my raw throat, and I realize I don’t actually have anything to say. No more explanations or apologies waiting to be heard. Instead, I ask, “What are you doing here?”
“I wanted to see you.”
I open my mouth but say nothing. I’m not sure what to do with this version of Theo. I’m not even sure what version this is.
“We need to talk,” he adds.
I hesitate. I don’t think I can bare another angry tirade when the last one is engraved in my memory. But, against my will, a small kernel of hope forms in my chest. “About what?” I mumble.
“Your brother is still alive,” he whispers.
I look toward the river, to where Oren hasn’t been. “I know.”
“He lost an arm.”
“What?” I gasp. “How?”
“A wound became infected.” Theo scratches the back of his neck. “I told him what happened to you. That you were taken to the temple and forced to become a sacrifice.”
I step in front of him, everything else falling away. “You talked to him? What did he say? Where is he now?”
“He’s safe in Kisk. Angry. Sad. But safe.”
Safe in Kisk. Those words seem too good to be true. Nothing has been safe there in years, and now my brother, the last living person in my family, the last human I love, is back. A half-sigh, half-laugh squeezes from my lungs.
“The war is officially over.” He inches closer and I notice how wrinkled his clothes are, how rumpled his hair is. There’s a ring of dirt around his fingernails. Energy sparks between us as he lifts a hand toward mine. When it drops without touching me, I bite my lip.
“Good,” I say, breathlessly.
He taps the toe of his boot on the ground. Small, hollow thuds echo around us with each one. “Ebris restored me.”
I blink. That hadn’t been part of the deal. My mind reels in an attempt to understand why Ebris would give Theo his power back after the way I left them. “I’m glad.”
“Are you?” he asks.
“Of course.” I lower my brows and force the cork tighter over my emotions. “Why wouldn’t I be?”
“It’s…” He reaches out again, this time toward my cheek, but decides against touching me a second time. “You don’t look happy, is all.”
A vice grip tightens around my center. Of course I’m happy. The war is over and Theo did something worthy of being resto
red. Despite everything, he won. It doesn’t wipe the slate clean—not for us—but this is what he wanted most. I force a smile. “I am happy for you, Theo.”
He exhales quickly. “Cassia, I…”
“What are you really doing here?” I demand. The more my body thaws, the looser the hold on my patience becomes. “If you hate me so much, why would you come all the way to the Netherworld to tell me this? Did you want to rub it in that you’re back to normal while I’m forced to stay down here?”
It’s a low blow; I offered to come but I refuse to take the words back.
“I don’t hate you,” he says, quickly.
I laugh miserably. “Theo, I saw the look on your face when I admitted knowing Oren was alive.”
“Only because I didn’t believe you hadn’t used me,” he says. “I thought you were working with Astra. I thought…I thought you were with me to gain something, not because you cared.” His head falls, wisps of hair skimming his forehead. “I know it started that way for you, but it didn’t for me. Ever since that night we played Fate, I’ve felt something. It took me so long to understand my feelings for you, and when I did…” He winces. “I’ve never felt such consuming pain before.”
I cross my arms, rubbing my palms over them. “I’m not sure what you’re trying to say.”
“I was afraid of this. Of not being in control.” Electricity races through me as he glides his fingertips up my forearm. “Of giving it to you.”
I clasp my hands behind my back to break contact. Not because I don’t want him to touch me, but because I want it too much. I need to be able to think. “I don’t want to control anything. That’s not how a relationship is supposed to be.”
“Is that what you want?” His voice wavers as he inches closer. “A relationship?”
Do I? I did. I still love him but we both lied, both hurt the other. I’m not sure how to come back from that. “It’s complicated.”
“It doesn’t have to be.”
A groan builds inside me, a bubble of frustration and want and regret. I don’t let it surface. “Theo…”
“Please,” he pleads. “If you had feelings for me, with all my flaws and all the terrible things I’ve done, let me try to make it up to you. I want to be better. You make me want to be better.”
“I—”
“I know I’ve been horrible,” he says, rushing ahead before I have time to say no. “I’ve only ever been feared, and I think I felt like I had to live up to that. I was wrong. I know that now.”
“You’ve scared me plenty of times,” I grumble.
He winces again. “I’m sorry. For everything, I’m sorry.”
My heart hammers, one painful throb after another, and I ball my hands to stop them from shaking. I want to give him another chance as much as he seems to want to give me one, but pretending none of what happened, happened isn’t healthy. There’s a lot we have to work out, but isn’t that what a chance is for? To see if we can overcome everything? He isn’t asking me to commit to forever—just to right now. The treacherous sense of hope tries to break its chains again.
“Here.” He pulls the ring off his right, middle finger. “If I do anything wrong, or if I can’t make you happy, use this. It will take you to any of the temples without me.” He holds it between us. “Anywhere.”
I fixate on the black stone and reach out slowly. Complete freedom is a tempting offer. I could go wherever, do anything. I could see Oren without letting him see me. I can’t very well waltz up to his door now that he knows my fate. But, even if he didn’t, it wouldn’t be fair to keep disappearing on him. I could never explain any of this. And then there’s Leander. He’ll be alone again, but with the ring I can visit him any time I want.
I inhale. This decision can’t be made for either of our brothers. Theo is asking me to give us a second chance. He and I—not us and everyone else. My hand drops, empty.
“I’m not sure this is a good idea,” I say. My body shudders in revolt.
Theo’s fingers shake so violently he has to try twice to push the ring onto the tip of his thumb. “Before you decide, there’s something you should know.”
It sounds like the words are being torn from him, and I nearly slap my hands over his mouth to stop more from following. I don’t though. Whatever it is, I need to hear it.
“Astra.” His shoulders slump and he covers his face. “She wanted to stop the war. She thought that if we cared for each other, the sacrifice would be accepted.”
I suck in a breath. “Are you saying Astra made us…” Love each other. I don’t say the words—he said cared for, and I’m too much of a coward to admit anything more. I’m not sure what exactly he felt, or feels. Is it even what I feel? Is any of this real or some expertly spun illusion? My head spins, my vision blurring. “I don’t…” I’m not sure what I want to say. That I don’t believe it, or that I’m about to throw up. Both are true. Everything I thought I knew scatters around me, falling, spinning, as if I’d suddenly found myself in a snow globe.
“It wasn’t until after…” He drops his hands and winces. “After the temple. When she brought you a change of clothes. But by then I already…” He sighs, a rapid exhale. “It doesn’t change how I feel about you. Does it change things for you?”
“Change what things?” I say in a high voice. “You changed things between us before I came to the Netherworld and now this? How am I supposed to feel? Do I even get a choice, or is Astra going to step in and conjure more magic to make me forget?”
“Astra’s in the Between.” He lifts his hands to the space between us. “For this.”
Good! I want to shout. I should have listened to Cy; he warned me over and over. He knew and I didn’t listen—didn’t want to listen. Because I thought I knew what I was doing.
“She couldn’t have done anything to us unless there was something there to start with. A bead for her to string her power through,” he explains in a hushed voice. “This is real. Deep down I know it is.”
I shake my head and feel pieces of my life rattle against each other.
“Just…” He takes a tentative step forward and places his hands on my upper arms. The touch is feather light, but I shiver from head to toe. “Feel for a moment. Just one. Please. Don’t write us off because of my sister.”
I squeeze my jaw shut to keep my teeth from clattering. I don’t have to stop and feel because I already know. My body thrums in response to his hands on me and warmth builds in the pit of my stomach. My fingers itch to return his touch and my lips burn in their desire to kiss him. I remember the coarseness of his hair and the firmness of his muscle. The brilliance of his smile and the way his face lights up when he’s happy.
“Another chance,” he pleads. “That’s all I’m asking for.”
The familiar scent of steel, of him, finds its way to my nose. I breathe it in, letting it consume me. This is crazy—I must be crazy—but I think, somehow, someway, he’s right. Deep down, this is real. “We’re a mess.” I lean forward to try catching his gaze, but it’s stuck on the hollow of my throat. “You know that, right?”
A smile touches his lips. “I hear love can do that to people.”
I blink. It feels as if my soul has detached, soaring away from my body and toward his. “Are you trying to tell me you love me?” I ask, low and uncertain. He’s implied it, but I want the reassurance of the words. After everything, I need to hear it out loud if I’m going to take a chance on us.
The intensity of his blue eyes as they lift to mine steals my breath. “I am.”
“Say it,” I whisper.
“I love you.”
I leap to my toes, taking his face in my hands, and press my mouth against his. There’s no hesitation as he pulls me against him and slides his hands to the base of my neck. While we hold each other gently, our lips are frantic. Starved for each other. My head swims with anger and confusion, relief and joy.
Theo steps back, his fingers curling into my hair, and I groan at the distance between u
s. His lips are swollen, his breathing as ragged as mine. “Is that a yes?” he asks.
I step back so his hands fall away and pluck the ring from his finger. I slip the too-large band over my thumb and smile. “Yes.”
First, thank you to my family. To my husband for always pushing me forward. To Ian and Ryan – I love you ten. To Nonny and Poppy for raising me to be the person I am today. To my mother for making up bedtime stories like Princess Periwinkle and Goldie Finch, and for reading my drafts with unflinching honesty. To my father for always being there to talk (even about the bizarre stuff). To my aunt for fostering a love of fantasy. To my brothers and sisters for being such remarkable people. And to Lindsay and Judy because sometimes family isn’t blood.
I’m incredibly lucky to work with Radiant Crown Publishing. I’m so honored that Olivia saw something special in Theo and Cassia and offered me this opportunity to share their story. The openness and dedication they’ve given are unparalleled. A million times, thank you! I couldn’t have asked for more.
To my editor, Leah, thank you for all the hard work you poured into this project! You’re awesome!
Endless appreciation goes out to my critique partners: Lauren – you’ll always be Leander’s first and biggest fan. JoAnna – you’re one of the sweetest people I know. Vanessa – long live Bash! Amanda – your advice is beyond priceless. I never could have done this without you guys.
Stacy – I can’t thank you enough for everything. When I moved to Maine, I knew no one and our weekly Panera write-ins gave me something to look forward to. You’ve listened to me talk out more plot problems than anyone and are always ready to help. Your advice, support, and friendship mean the world.
A special shout out to all the amazingly supportive folks on Twitter!
Finally, thank you for taking this journey with me!
Amber R. Duell was born and raised in a small town in Central New York. While it will always be home, she’s spent the last six years living in Germany and Maine as a military wife where the next step is always an adventure. When Amber isn’t writing, she’s wrangling her two young sons. She is a lover of history, a fan of snowboarding, and a travel enthusiast. In her downtime, she can be found curling up with a good book and a cat or two.
Fragile Chaos Page 24
