by Nikki Chase
“It wasn’t your fault,” I quickly say. “If you want to blame anyone, blame me.”
“No, Cole.” She slowly shakes her head. She blinks away the tears that have gathered in her eyes. When she continues talking, her voice breaks. “If it was your fault, then it was my fault as well. But I’ve been thinking a lot about this. Alice was right. It wasn’t anybody’s fault. Nobody wanted it to happen. Not me, not you, and not Scott.”
“You don’t think it was my fault?” I frown and realize she’s serious.
“No.” She shakes her head again. “No, Cole. It wasn’t your fault. Stop blaming yourself for the accident. If you need my permission, I’m giving it to you right now. You can stop blaming yourself. I’m sure Scott would forgive you as well if he could.”
A lump in my throat stops me from saying anything. I swallow, but it won’t go away. I wouldn’t even know what to say anyway.
Ever since I woke up in the hospital after the accident, I haven’t stopped blaming myself. Not for one minute.
And now the victim of my crime is telling me I don’t have to carry this burden that has been weighing heavily on my shoulders?
“I was also angry at myself for letting myself fall for you. I felt like I was betraying Scott in a way. It doesn’t make sense, I know. But that’s how I felt. Even though I know he’d want me to continue living my life and not just get stuck in the past.”
“Wait a minute. You just said you fell for me.” I somehow manage to find my voice. This is too important to brush off.
“I did.” She smiles a little mysterious smile, like she’s amused at my bewilderment.
“Even though I lied to you?”
“Well, I fell for you before I realized you were lying to me. But yeah, I still felt the same way even after I found out the truth.” Emily’s index finger traces the lip of her glass of Diet Coke. I stare at it with intense jealousy. I want her finger on my skin again. Can I hope for that to happen again?
“And now?” I look deep into her blue eyes. Please, don’t let this be a lie. I deserve to be lied to after all the lies that I’ve told her. And I wouldn’t blame her if she wanted me to get a taste of my own medicine. But I hope to God that she’s telling the truth.
“Now?” She sighs and looks up at me. Her blonde locks shift over her shoulders and back. “I don’t know, Cole. It’s hard to say. I’ve been… I’ve gone through a few really intense months. I’ve learned a lot of things about myself, but I also realize there are many things I still don’t know.”
“Like the way you feel about me,” I say.
“Yes. Like the way I feel about you.”
“I love you,” I blurt out. “That’s not a lie. That’s the truth. And I still do. I still love you.”
“I know. I know you have real feelings for me, even if you’ve lied about other things. The way you’re looking at me right now, you can’t fake that. Not even if you were a really good actor.” She returns my gaze and smiles.
“I’m so sorry, Emily. I’m sorry for everything I put you through.”
“I know that, too. You’re deeply remorseful. I can tell.”
“Can you…” I gather my courage and ask, “Can you forgive me? Can we start over? Please, Emily?”
“I don’t know if I can trust you.” She says the words softly, but it feels like she has just smashed her glass against the bar table between us and stabbed me in the chest with the shard. “I can’t stop wondering if you only feel that way because of your guilt, if you feel responsible for me because of the accident.”
“I’m not going to lie anymore, Emily. You know that, right? I’m only going to tell you the truth from now on. I promise you. And the truth is I started to fall for you before the accident, when I saw you at The Amber Room that night. Then I really got to know you. You’re smart, beautiful, and you have the kindest heart. I can’t help but fall in love with you. It’s not because of guilt. Guilt is there a lot of the time. But there is love, too. And it’s real.”
Emily cocks her head and stares straight at me without saying anything. After a long pause, she says, “Can I ask you something?”
“Anything.”
“Why are you here? In Seattle, I mean. What are you doing here?”
“It’s a long story, but I guess we have time. The short version is to get away from my father. I know I won’t ever be rid of him as long as I stay in San Francisco.”
“And the long version?”
I take a deep breath. “My father didn’t approve of me seeing you. He was furious when he found out I’d hired you. He was worried that somehow it would lead to everyone finding out about how he’d kept the police investigation quiet and stopped the news from reaching the media.”
“I know that,” she says.
“You do?”
“Yeah. Alice told me. And you didn’t know he did all those things until it was too late.”
“Yes. It was all a done deal when I woke up in the hospital,” I say. “So he threatened me. He said he’d take away Foster Hotels if I didn’t stay away from you.”
Emily draws a sharp breath. She stares at me with her big doe eyes.
“Well, my father found out about us. And he’s not the kind of man who makes empty threats.”
“So you lost Foster Hotels because of me?”
“No, Emily. I lost it because I didn’t do what he wanted me to do. It was going to happen sooner or later. He’s always tried to control me and I’ve always tried to defy his orders. It was bound to happen.
“I’ve always wanted to get out from under his thumb, but there was a certain comfort in letting him be in charge of some parts of my life. To be honest, I knew it was going to be a lot harder for me to make it on my own. So I’ve always had this dilemma.
“And then you came along and made it unbearable for me to keep letting him run my life. Because I couldn’t let things stay the way they were and still have you in my life.”
“I didn’t know.” Emily puts her hands over her mouth. “So that’s why you left San Francisco?”
“Partly. There’s another reason. There was this girl there. She told me to leave her alone, so I decided to move here. I just didn’t think she was going to follow me all the way to Seattle,” I say, trying to break the tension.
It works. She smiles. If this place wasn’t so dark I’m sure I’d see color spread across her cheeks.
“But you worked so hard to build that company,” she says. Even after everything I’ve done to her, she still thinks about how things affect me. I swear if I ever manage to get her back, I’ll never let her go again. Not even if she tells me to.
“It doesn’t matter. Like I said, it was bound to happen. I can always do it all over again. I managed to take some money with me when I moved here, so I can start again. I can rebuild. I can redo everything I’ve done with Foster Hotels. I can earn back my success.
“But that’s not the way things are with you. It kills me that I lost you through my own foolishness.
“I’m sorry for being so selfish, Emily. I didn’t think about what you want. It didn’t occur to me to ask you. I didn’t even cross my mind that I should tell you the truth. I tried to fix your problems my way.
“I realize now that I was treating you like my father has always treated me. He thinks he knows exactly what I need and how to get it. He doesn’t consult me even when he’s supposedly doing things for my benefit.
“When you told me to leave you alone, I realized I’d been trying to fulfill your needs without consulting you. And that wasn’t going to make you happy. It’s just like how my father would never make me happy by doing whatever he thinks is right without ever asking me what I want.
“I’m sorry, Emily. I’ve learned my whole life to follow in my father’s footsteps. Be strong, be in control, be the one to make the decisions. Don’t be weak, or show any weakness. I’ve always kept secrets. I’ve always done things in the dark. And guilt is a weakness, so I couldn’t show that side of me to you.
“But you’re not my father. And you accepted me not because of how well I follow these stupid rules my father came up with.”
I can’t tell what the strange expression on Emily’s face means. She’s definitely thinking, but there’s no telling what’s going on in that beautiful mind of hers.
I feel lighter after unleashing that deluge of information on her. More vulnerable, but strangely liberated. I’ve laid all my cards on the table, and it’s up to her now to decide what to do.
“They’re closing up the bar.” She looks past my shoulder at the staff clearing the tables and turning off the lights. She smiles as she shifts her gaze back to me. “Take me to your place, Cole. I want to see your new home.”
Emily
Are we really doing this?
My mind is racing. There’s a lot for me to process. After holding so much back from me, now Cole has just dropped everything on the table all at once.
But while my brain is still working things out, there’s no denying that my heart and my body have already made a decision. I can feel it from the way my stomach flutters and churns. I won’t be able to go back home and just forget about this.
When the bar closed down, all I knew was I wanted to spend more time with Cole, and I didn’t want to lose this magical momentum. I’m afraid if I just walk away and see him again tomorrow, everything will feel different in the cold, harsh light of the day.
This feels like a fragile, fleeting, precious moment and I want to do everything I can to keep it in my grasp, even if it’s just for a few hours longer.
I know, perhaps better than anyone else, how quickly love can slip away and get lost in the maze of time, never to be seen again.
“Is anything wrong? You haven’t said anything since we left the bar.” Cole looks at me with concern in his beautiful brown eyes.
“No, I’m fine. Really.” I smile and shake my head.
The streets around us are empty, except for a few other cars that have stopped in front of the traffic light. Drops of rain cover the car windows, making it feel like we’re in a world of our own. Smooth jazz plays in the background, making the atmosphere feel even more melancholic.
“If you’ve changed your mind, I can take you home,” he says.
“I haven’t. Trust me. This is nice, just sitting here with you.”
Cole takes my hand and gently strokes my skin. Just like that, my heartbeat speeds up and my body craves his touch elsewhere. I want his big, warm hand on my neck, on my bare waist, on my thighs…
I look into his eyes and recognize the same hunger in him. He wants me just as much.
The light turns green and Cole puts his hands back on the steering wheel. The car glides among the tall buildings of the city. Bright, colorful lights decorate the empty retail stores, while yellow street lights illuminate the few pedestrians caught in the rain as they rush home. I catch glimpses of the Space Needle sometimes, stabbing the sky like it anchors the skyline in place.
We enter the parking area of a tall, modern apartment building with a glass facade. Truth be told, I’ve been trying to come up with any unanswered questions that remain. I know that once we’re alone in Cole’s apartment, I’ll forget everything.
If there’s any doubt left in my mind, if there’s any good reason why I shouldn’t spend the night, I should clear it up now. As Cole parks the car, one last question pops into my mind. He turns off the engine and we step out of the car.
“Cole.” I take his hand and interlace our fingers as we walk toward the entrance to the apartment lobby. “Why did you want me to wait until Tuesday? When I saw you at the cemetery, you told me you wanted to tell me everything, but you were waiting for the right time. What were you waiting for?”
The electronic scanner by the door beeps as Cole waves his key fob. He holds the door open for me and we step inside, him taking my hand back in his. My heels click-clack noisily against the marble floor, the sound magnified by the echo of the high ceilings and the lack of an answer from Cole. When I glance at him, he looks like he’s thinking.
“I wanted to line everything up before telling you,” he finally says. It’s late and the lobby is empty. The door of the elevator nearest to us opens with a ding from the speaker. The carpeted floor muffles the sound of my heels as we enter. Cole presses the button for his floor and continues, “When we founded Foster Hotels, my father insisted on retaining the power to take full control of the company at any time. So I made an emergency plan in case that happened and I needed some money to start over without him. I was waiting for the transfer to be finalized.”
“Why?”
“I wanted to show up with plane tickets and ask you to move to Seattle with me. I was afraid that if I told you about the problem without providing a solution, it would scare you away. My father is a powerful man and I didn’t want to freak you out without also giving you an escape plan. I wanted you to feel safe.”
He looks so sad and sincere I can’t help but give in to my instinct to comfort him.
I step closer and put my hand on his face. His skin feels warm on my cold hand, and his stubble rough against my skin.
He puts his hand on top of mine and kisses my palm. His lips are soft, but hungry. He looks deep into my eyes. It’s clear as day that I want him too. He puts his free hand on the back of my head and pulls me close. This is it. We’re really doing this.
As soon as his lips land on mine, I get sucked into a vortex of passion so strong it’s dizzying. It scares me. Cole scares me. I want him so much I feel like he can completely crush me if he ever decides to let go. But I don’t care anymore. I’ll never find out where this leads if I don’t let go.
So I do. I let go.
I let our desires take over and let him take possession of my mouth. His hand on the back of my head slides down my back and he pulls me tight until my breasts are squished against his hard chest. Just as I curl my fingers around the back of his neck, the elevator stops and the door opens.
Cole grabs my waist and pulls me down the carpeted, dimly lit hallway, both of us rushing and panting with lust. He jams his key into the keyhole and turns with one hand, while his other hand grabs my hair. He kisses me like he’s running out of air and I have the oxygen that he needs, like he’d die if we stopped.
As soon as the door opens, we both stumble inside into the darkness, still locked in breathless embrace. I pull his blazer off his shoulders and he yanks the zipper of my dress down my back. Cole’s apartment feels warm and toasty and we shed our clothes like we’re both burning with heat.
By the time he pushes me down onto his leather couch, I’m down to my panties and he’s only wearing his jeans. The dim light of the city at night that enters the living room through the floor-to-ceiling glass wall highlights the cords of muscles just underneath Cole’s skin, showing off the contours of his chest and abs with its highlights and shadows.
“You look beautiful,” he whispers, as if speaking any louder would interrupt the moment. Tenderness and wickedness swirl together in his dark eyes, making my heart flutter and my core tingle.
I smile, and he groans as he pushes his knee between my thighs, forcing me to part my legs. I let him climb on top of me and wrap my legs around his waist. He plants his elbows by my shoulders and leans down, trapping me under his hard body. I grab onto his muscular upper arms and hold on tight.
I surrender to his kiss, letting him explore my lips, my earlobes, my neck. I sigh, enjoying the feeling of his weight on my body, the tactile dragging of his skin against mine. He feels warm and safe and comfortable. I feel like I’ve come home.
When Cole catches my nipple with his lips, I gasp. The tingles shoot straight down, and I feel myself throb with desire. Slick wetness leaks out of me, pooling in my soaked panties.
He looks up straight into my eyes as he presses the hard bulge in his pants against my bare inner thigh, letting me know just how much he wants me. My lips part and a moan escapes when I think about taking his hot, hard cock
inside me.
He runs his fingers over my black lace panties. I’m glad I have the habit of wearing nice underthings when I dress up. I knew I was probably going to bump into Cole tonight, but I definitely didn’t think I’d end up in Cole’s apartment with him ravenously peeling off my clothes.
“I can feel how wet you are through your panties,” he says. If my whole body wasn’t already on fire, I’d blush in embarrassment — not that he’d be able to see me turn red in the dim light.
He pulls my panties down my legs, shifting his body to take them all the way off. He throws them down onto the white marble floor to join my dress and bra. I’m now completely naked and exposed to his hungry gaze.
He runs his fingers over my wetness and rubs my clit. I shudder with pleasure as he pushes two fingers inside me. I’m so wet he goes in smoothly, with no resistance at all.
For the first time in a long time, I feel alive. Unlike all the other times when we’d come together before, I feel like we’re both honest with each other now. The internal, emotional nakedness that we show each other makes me feel safe and comfortable letting go in front of him.
“Cole,” I say breathlessly in between lusty gasps. “Oh, Cole. Please.”
“Please what? Tell me what you want, Emily.”
“Please. I want you inside me.” I reach down and fumble with his belt. Once that’s undone, I unbutton and unzip his jeans. He leans closer to let me undress him, while his skillful fingers continue to make me gasp and moan and writhe underneath him.
Cole slides his jeans off and presses the tip of his cock against my opening. He feels so hot against my skin I could burn. I thrust my hips up to take him in, but he pulls back and smirks at me, teasing me.
“Fuck. You look so sexy when you’re like this,” he says.
