by J. S. Lee
He didn’t answer, just holding out his hand. I took it, not really needing him to help me up, but letting him anyway. We walked through the hospital in silence, leaving through their main entrance with nobody questioning where we had come from or why we were there.
I expected him to lead us to the taxi rank, but he didn’t. Instead, we walked a few streets over to a gas station where Jiwon bought some cigarettes.
No. No, Jiwon was not OK.
We walked a little further and suddenly we were on the banks of the Vistula River. While it was warmer than the last time we had been in Poland, there was still a chill in the air, especially as I had left the house with only my hoodie. I sat down on a bench, stuffing my hands into my pockets, watching Jiwon as he lit a cigarette.
He stood downwind from me, staring at the water as he did nothing more than hold the cigarette, occasionally flicking the ash away. It was only when he had let the second cigarette burn out that he came and sat down next to me. I snuggled close to him, trying not to let him see how cold I was.
Jiwon pulled out his phone, opening up Instagram. The next thing I knew, he was posting a picture of him and Anita, taken in the hospital. 쉬면서 나으리. Rest well and get better.
“I don’t like what she did, and I haven’t forgiven her, but I don’t want her receiving hate from our Gems,” Jiwon explained. “They’re saying what they are because they’re angry too, but I don’t think they see how much their words hurt too.”
“Couldn’t you just ask them not to say those things?” I asked.
Jiwon wrapped an arm around my shoulder, pulling me close. I closed my eyes as I felt him press a kiss onto the top of my head. “I could, but you’re the one who says a picture is worth a thousand words, and if I write more than I did, I would end up getting angry at her.”
“She doesn’t think she did anything wrong, does she?”
“No,” Jiwon agreed. His phone started buzzing, but he didn’t pick it up. “And she won’t be the only one that thinks like that.”
Jiwon had placed his phone screen side down, and I watched as the iPhone’s little light flashed away. “I don’t think that’s Instagram notifications,” I told him as mine started ringing.
I pulled it out of my pocket: Manager Sungmin.
With a sigh, I answered the call. “Where are you?” Sungmin demanded.
Jiwon took the phone from me before I could answer. “With me, hyung… yes… because I thought it was the right thing to do… yes.” He hung up and handed me the phone back.
“I could have had that conversation,” I told him.
“We need to get back.” He made no effort to move.
I stood, but when Jiwon joined me, I pulled him into an embrace, holding him tightly. “You did what you could,” I told him. “If it wasn’t enough, that’s not your fault.”
“It doesn’t make me feel any less responsible.”
“I know,” I muttered.
제 15 장
Wave
To say Sungmin was pissed was an understatement. Like a parent who was waiting for their child to creep in past curfew, he was waiting for us on the stairs. After his lecture, we only had a couple of hours sleep before we were up again and listening to it again, with the rest of Onyx present.
Jiwon had refused to delete the post and so Sungmin had forbidden any of the other members from liking or commenting on it, worried it was going to draw more unnecessary drama to Onyx.
The trip to the airport was taken in a haze. I was still half asleep and enduring glowers from Taeyoon. While we were waiting at the gate, he pulled me to one side. “You promised me. You promised me you wouldn’t do anything else to hurt Onyx.”
“I didn’t take Jiwon to the hospital,” I protested. “And no one knew I was there.”
“But you shouldn’t have let Jiwon meet her,” he snapped.
“You don’t know Jiwon well enough if you think I would have any say in whether he visited her or not, Taeyoon,” I hissed back. I glanced over his shoulder, finding Xiao watching us. “And to be honest, I don’t think Jiwon cares what it did to Onyx – he was more concerned about her.”
I walked away. It was much easier to ignore these conversations than be a part of it. It was killing me to bite my tongue as much as I was doing, but we were in a public place and I really didn’t want to do anything to draw unnecessary attention to the group.
Once more I was sitting with Sungmin on the plane. I didn’t mind too much. I had planned to catch up on the photographs I needed to work on, but the lack of sleep was giving me a headache and I didn’t want to stare at a screen. I didn’t even turn the in-flight entertainment on.
More than anything, I wanted to sleep. Unfortunately, the crying baby didn’t let that happen, and the turbulence was making me feel queasy. In the end, I curled up as best I could and put my headphones in to drown out the crying.
We arrived at the hotel in the evening. According to Sungmin, the stop was for a photoshoot for Onyx – they had a sponsorship deal with a well-known sports brand and they had chosen a location in East London.
I stood in the reception to the hotel, waiting for Sungmin to check us in. Xiao walked over, giving me a look of concern. “You look pale. You didn’t eat on the plane.”
I shrugged. “I wasn’t hungry.”
With a frown, he raised his hand, placing the back of it on my forehead. “You don’t feel hot. Maybe we should-”
“I’m not going to a hospital, Xiao,” I muttered, irritably. “I’m just tired and the flight was too bumpy to eat or sleep. I just need some sleep.” I knew he was just looking out for me, but the last thing I needed was someone fussing over me.
He nodded, but he didn’t move away.
Sungmin walked over a short while after, handing me a keycard. “JongB wanted a carvery. We’re going to meet back down here in an hour and walk over to the pub across the street. The receptionist said they serve a good carvery.”
“Is that like a barbeque?” Xiao asked.
“I have no idea,” Sungmin shrugged. “JongB was reading the comments on his VLive last night. He wants something called a Yorkshire Pudding, with his beef.”
A pudding with beef? For some reason, that had my stomach squirming. “Sounds great,” I mumbled, taking the keycard and walking to the lift.
“Is she OK?” I heard Sungmin ask Xiao.
“She says she’s tired.”
“Well, when you spend all night in a hospital instead of sleeping, I’m not surprised.”
My room was between MinMin and CX’s and Xiao and JongB’s, with Youngbin and Jiwon taking the next room before Sungmin. For once, I didn’t care that it was possibly the most convenient layout for us. Instead, I dragged my suitcase into my room, abandoned it by the door, and flopped onto the bed.
I only just managed to pull my phone out and send Sungmin a message to let him know I wouldn’t be joining them for dinner before I fell asleep.
I awoke a while later not knowing what time it was or what country I was in, confused by the knocking. I sat up, still fully dressed and rubbed my eyes as the knocking continued.
Someone was at the door.
I yawned and then walked over, opening the door. It was Youngbin. “You’re alive,” Youngbin said with a frown. “I was worried when you didn’t come to dinner, and you’ve not replied to messages.”
“Don’t be,” I said, stepping back to let him in. “I haven’t looked at my phone. I needed to sleep. I feel a lot better now.” Youngbin walked past carrying a large to-go box and I eyed it happily. “And something to eat. Please tell me that’s food.”
“It turns out a carvery is not a barbeque,” Youngbin told me, flicking the light on. “I brought a portion for you,” he explained, holding the box up for me.
While I blinked at the sudden brightness from the room lights, I followed him into the main part of the room. “I need to shower,” I groaned, stretching my back out.
“Do you feel OK?” Youngbin asked,
watching me, concern back on his face.
I nodded, giving him a reassuring smile. “I just needed to sleep. My stomach feels fine now, but I want to shower before I eat.” I glanced at the box with a frown. “I bet that won’t stay warm though.”
Youngbin pointed to the microwave as he set the box on the side next to it. “I’ve been knocking on your door on and off for the last two hours. It’s already cold. Go shower. I’ll warm it up when you’re done.”
I gave him a grateful smile as I moved towards my suitcase, but Youngbin got to it first. He lifted it up onto the side and unzipped it for me. “What time is it?” I asked as I found my wash items.
“Nearly midnight.”
I looked at Youngbin in surprise. “I guess that’s why I don’t feel tired anymore.” I stretched again and then made my way to the bathroom. It had a bathtub.
No, bathtub seemed too ordinary for whatever that was. It was cube shaped and almost as big as the bed with two glass sides. The side against the wall had a padded headboard and I could see several jets in the bottom and sides. “Score,” I muttered under my breath, hurrying over to start filling it with water.
While it was filling, I set my washbag on the side, pulling out the shampoo and conditioner. I was just pulling out a pill packet when Youngbin appeared in the doorway. “I thought you said you were fine.”
I glanced down at the pill and arched an eyebrow. “It’s my birth control,” I told him.
The frown disappeared from his face, to be replaced with a smirk. “Do you want someone to wash your back?”
The last time I’d been in London, there might have been a shower involved – it wasn’t quite as comfortable as people would think it would be. “I think that tub is big enough for the both of us.”
Youngbin glanced over at it, a wicked grin appearing on his face. “I think we can have some fun in that.”
I quickly swallowed my pill before I forgot and then turned to Youngbin, watching him as he pulled his shirt off over his head. I forgot about taking my own clothes off, instead, leaning back against the sink and watching him.
Youngbin tossed the shirt out of the bathroom and then turned back to me with a cocked head. “Like what you see?”
“Duh.”
“Wow, you know how to make a guy feel special.” He stripped off his pants, throwing them so they joined his shirt, but he had a grin on his face as he did so. He walked over to the bathtub and stepped in, slowly lowering himself into the water. As he did so, lights turned on under the water, highlighting his gorgeous body through the glass wall of the tub.
“This is definitely an upgrade from the last place we were in,” I muttered, transfixed by the sight before me.
“Are you just going to stand there and stare?”
“It’s tempting,” I admitted.
“Take a picture. It lasts longer.”
I closed my eyes and counted to ten. Lord, that was a very enticing suggestion. But naughty photographs taken on tour when phones and cameras could go missing? Not a chance in hell.
But I really wanted to.
With a deep breath, I opened my eyes, finding Youngbin relaxed against the headrest, one arm behind his head. He looked so comfortable, that was the last temptation I needed to shed my clothes. They joined the pile outside the room and I nudged the door closed on the way back, slipping into the water just in front of Youngbin.
Just as I turned off the water, he reached forward, bringing me back against his chest. With a satisfied sigh, he rested his chin on the top of my head. I relaxed against him, closing my eyes.
I felt Youngbin move, and then the waterjets were on and they were much quieter than I imagined them to be. I couldn’t help but let out a satisfied moan. This was heaven.
Or I thought it was until Youngbin started massaging my shoulders.
Now this was heaven.
“It’s not your body,” I told him.
Youngbin paused at rubbing my shoulders. “What’s not?”
“Why I like you. Don’t get me wrong; you are one of the most beautiful people I know, but it’s all of you. You are patient with everyone, including me, especially when I struggle with my Korean. You see how MinMin has been struggling and you make everyone take more breaks. The way you look after the others – and me. You make sure we’re in the right place at the right time. You’re firm but fair.”
There was a dry snort from behind me. “You say firm, but others say I’m overbearing to the point of bullying.”
I leaned to the side so I could see Youngbin’s face. “You haven’t spoken about that.”
“What’s left to say that wasn’t all over the SNS?”
CX was a new member of Onyx, joining at the beginning of the year to replace another member who had quit: Oh Bohyun. Not long after the tour had kicked off, Bohyun had gone to the press stating the reason he had left the group was because of the way Youngbin had bullied him. Soon after, a conversation between myself and CX had been taken out of context so it seemed that Youngbin was doing the same to the new member.
“You don’t talk a lot about you.”
Beneath me, Youngbin shrugged. “I don’t have a lot to say about me. I’d rather talk about you.”
“And if you do decide you want to talk about you, I’m here.” I reached for his hand, kissing the top of it. I relaxed back against him, but I could feel Youngbin, tense, beneath me.
“You only see me now,” Youngbin said, suddenly. “You don’t know how I was back then. I think there might have been some truth to those stories.”
I whirled around, sending water cascading over the side of the tub. “The fact I know you now means I know there’s no truth to those stories. You are a dedicated and determined person, and you push others to be the best they can be, but that does not make you a bully or anything of the sort. That was a story made up by a butthurt former member who left because he was fucking his sister.”
“Step-sister.”
That was what I meant – I just couldn’t remember the word. “I fully believe that people can change – some for the better, and some for the worse. And yes, you have changed a little since we started this tour; we all have. But not that much. If you were really as bad as Bohyun made you out to be, you wouldn’t be a person that I could trust or like.”
Youngbin stared at me, his brown eyes locked on mine, unblinking. “I hope you don’t change,” he told me. “I love you just as you are. I can see us growing old together.” As though he could read the question in my eyes, he nodded. “All of us.”
I sucked in a deep breath and leaned into him. “Me too,” I admitted, softly.
We stayed like that until the jets automatically turned themselves off. Even though the water was still warm, and despite the fact I had already slept half the night away, I was tired again. More importantly, my stomach was vocally complaining that it was hungry.
Wrapped in a towel, I sat on the bed, waiting for Youngbin to reheat the ‘carvery’. He carried it over, setting it in front of me. Aside from a very questionable pastry thing, it looked just like a roast dinner. I prodded the pastry thing with my knife. “What is that?”
“A slightly soggy Yorkshire pudding. It’s actually quite tasty.”
I cut a bit off and tentatively put it in my mouth. Youngbin was right; it was tasty. The closest thing I could compare it to, was a crepe, but savory. And that wasn’t doing it justice. Despite it being nearly two in the morning, I cleared the to-go box in record time.
Finally, as a wave of exhaustion hit me, I pushed the box to the side and curled up under the covers. I was asleep before Youngbin could turn off the light.
제 16 장
Face
I was up long before Youngbin. Considering I had slept so much the night before, I wasn’t surprised. The group chat had said that they needed to be downstairs by 8 am to get to their shoot so I saw no need to wake him.
Instead, I slipped out of his arms, stole his hoodie, and curled up at the table with my lapt
op, finally making a start on the photographs I needed to edit. I managed to get a good chunk of them done before I heard Youngbin rousing behind me.
“How long have you been awake for?” he asked, his voice gruff.
“A few hours,” I responded after glancing at the clock on the laptop. I finished the photograph, making sure to save it, before I turned on the chair and found Youngbin sprawled on the bed, watching me.
“You’re sexy when you work.”
I snorted. This was the most unglamorous part of my job. “In case you haven’t checked your phone yet, you need to be downstairs in twenty minutes.”
“Were you going to wake me?”
“I had the intention of doing so…” I had. Only, I had gotten lost in my work and lost track of time.
“I’ll forgive you because you’re sexy.”
I rolled my eyes. “How you manage to survive a day when I’ve brushed my hair is beyond me.” I got up and crawled up the bed, welcomed into his arms as he wrapped them around me.
“I ask myself the same question frequently,” Youngbin agreed, pulling me to him. “I love you, Kate.”
I smiled, suddenly wishing I could spend the whole day in his arms, just like this. “I love you too.”
“Do you think they’d miss me if I stayed here all day?”
Apparently Youngbin had the same idea. “Fans would riot.”
“Maybe I could make it up to them with the release of my mixtape.”
I shuffled in his arms so that I could look up at him. “You’re really going to do it?”
Youngbin frowned. “I thought you didn’t mind?”
“I really don’t,” I assured him. “I just… I’m kind of… noticeable… it has been pointed out that I’m not the quietest. And while there are other songs that have those kind of sound effects, I am willing to bet they’re not real and you’re an idol, which means you need to appear a little more…”
“Pure?”
