by J. S. Lee
“I didn’t feel great when I woke up. My stomach wouldn’t settle. I thought it was a side effect of the cold I’m sure I’m coming down with.” I rubbed a hand over my cheek. I didn’t think I felt as unwell as Youngbin and Yongsik looked, but the last thing we needed was the three of us to come down with something. I didn’t want to think about the rumors.
“Should you be here?”
I nodded. “Should they?”
“No,” Sungmin said, appearing at my side, eyeing my mask warily. “They should be in a hospital and being checked over – why are you wearing that?” The back of his hand was suddenly pressed up against my forehead. “You have a temperature. Please tell me you’ve not all got the same thing?” he hissed in a low voice.
“I don’t know!” I wrapped my arms around myself. “I didn’t feel great on the plane and I’ve not felt well since I got here. I thought it was a cold.” Although Sungmin hadn’t been telling me off, I could feel the tears threatening to leak out of the side of my eyes.
Sungmin’s expression softened. “How are you feeling?”
I glanced over at Youngbin and CX, the latter of which was curled up in a ball. “I don’t think I’ve got what they’ve got.” I sucked in a deep breath. “I think I need some fresh air and some painkillers. I’m going to take a walk to a convenience store and-”
“I told you yesterday, you are going nowhere by yourself.”
I bit down on my lower lip, grateful that my action couldn’t be seen through the mask.
“I would like some fresh air, hyungnim,” Xiao declared.
Sungmin rolled his eyes. “You are going to sit down and get your makeup done.” He turned back to me, running a hand through his hair. The action left some of it standing up on end. “I saw a pharmacy when we drove in. We can walk over together.”
That caught me by surprise. “You want to leave Onyx alone?”
“I need some air,” Sungmin muttered.
I wasn’t going to question it. Instead, I followed him to the back door where a member of security let us out. Mexico was much warmer than Poland had been. Walking around outside in ripped jeans and a facemask was not pleasant, and when we had moved far enough away from the venue, I pulled the mask from my face, appreciating the fresh air.
Sungmin was walking beside me and it took me a moment to realize he was not only limping, but he was also struggling to keep up with my long strides. I slowed my pace.
“I know what you’re doing,” Sungmin informed me, his eyes fixed on the street in front of him.
“I just feel dizzy.” I could see the green cross for the pharmacy in the distance. It was further away than I was expecting. “But while we’re on the topic, shouldn’t you be using your stick? I thought you were supposed to use it for the tour?”
“I don’t need it,” he snapped.
I held my hands up. “I don’t want you to do more damage to yourself.”
We fell back into walking in silence. The fresh air was helping and I was starting to feel a little bit better when we got to the pharmacy. But I was still grabbing some more painkillers while I was here.
I grabbed a box of ibuprofen and started walking to the cashier, when something on one of the shelves caught my attention: a pregnancy kit.
I was on the pill.
I had been since before I met Onyx.
I kept walking, finding Sungmin peering at some medicine. “Do you speak Spanish?” he asked me.
I shook my head. “I took Spanish in high school and I can order a glass of orange juice and ask where the bank is. Neither of which will help us in here.” I walked up to the pharmacist. “Do you speak English?” I asked her, in English because I couldn’t remember enough of those years of education to ask her in Spanish.
“I do,” she replied.
“Do you have anything for an upset stomach?”
For a few minutes, the pharmacist asked me questions which I translated for Sungmin, occasionally checking an app, before translating it back to her. Eventually, she suggested some medicine. “Is that everything?” she asked me after ringing it up.
I nodded, just as Sungmin’s phone started ringing. He thrust some money at me and then hurried out of the store to take the call. I paid for the medicine and started to walk out of the store, passing the pregnancy tests again.
I was on the pill.
I couldn’t be pregnant.
But there was a voice in the back of my mind that was telling me otherwise. It was one that had been trying to get my attention when I had felt like throwing up earlier. At first it had been joking that I was probably pregnant, and then, slowly, it stopped being such a crazy idea and instead became something I was trying to ignore.
I was on the pill.
I couldn’t be pregnant.
I picked up a pregnancy test, hurrying back to pay for it.
I had barely thrust it into my bag when Sungmin walked back into the store. “Aren’t you ready?” Sungmin asked me.
“Coming,” I retuned, flashing the pharmacist a grateful smile before I hurried over to join Sungmin. “Is everything OK?”
Sungmin nodded. “Taeyoon said Youngbin and CX managed to get changed. They’re sound-checking now.”
“Should they be doing a sound check?” I asked. “Should they be performing at all?”
Sungmin rubbed at his temple. “I don’t know. Youngbin is relatively sensible…” he trailed off with a sigh. “I thought he was sensible.”
“He is,” I agreed.
“He’s dating you,” Sungmin muttered.
I stopped, staring at Sungmin in a mixture of surprise and annoyance. When he realized I was no longer beside him, he sighed and walked back to me.
“I didn’t mean it like that.”
“Then how did you mean it, Sungmin?” I asked. “I thought we were past all of this?”
“It’s not you specifically,” he explained, running his hand through his hair. It left some of it standing up again. “It could be any girl; he shouldn’t be dating. He’s an idol.”
I couldn’t stop myself from rolling my eyes. “He’s human.”
“I understand that it’s different for you. You’re American. You clearly do things differently over there, but over here, idols don’t date.”
“How are you a manager?” I asked him in disbelief. “Do you honestly believe that out of the hundreds of idols none of them are dating?”
“Of course not!”
“And if you’re referring to my relationship with Onyx-”
“I’m not,” Sungmin sighed. His hand was in his hair again.
I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself. “OK, is this something I’m struggling to follow because my Korean isn’t great?” I’d gotten to a point where I was taking my ability to speak the language for granted. Most of the time, I did understand what was being said, and the rest I was filling in the blanks.
“I know idols date. I married…” he closed his eyes, inhaling sharply, before shaking his head. “I know idols date,” he repeated softly.
Once more, I found myself wanting to hug him. Breakups sucked at the best of times, but this…? I had never experienced someone dumping me at my wedding.
“We should get back to the venue. Taeyoon had the venue medic check Youngbin and CX over. He thinks they might have eaten something which has disagreed with them.”
“The chicken,” I said, suddenly. “On the plane,” I added, when Sungmin looked at me like I had a screw loose. “The three of us ate the chicken. The rest of you had the pasta or the beef. I didn’t eat it all because I wasn’t feeling hungry when it was served.”
Sungmin nodded thoughtfully. “That’s a possibility.”
“Are they OK?”
Sungmin blew out a long breath. “That’s what I want to find out. They did the soundcheck, but it sounds like the medic was advising rest and fluids.”
We hurried back to the venue. The green room atmosphere was flat. Ahreum and Eunhae were putting the finishing touch
es to Jiwon’s makeup and JongB’s hair. MinMin and Xiao were nowhere in sight. CX was sat in a chair, sipping at a bottle of water. He looked a lot better than he had an hour ago. Youngbin, on the other hand, was lying down in the corner, sleeping.
“Yongsik?” Sungmin crouched down in front of the maknae, his gaze sweeping over him.
“I can perform,” he assured him. “I just need to take it easy before the show. But I can perform.”
“I can perform,” Youngbin’s voice travelled over.
Apparently, he wasn’t sleeping.
He rolled over, staring at his manager. “I can perform,” he repeated.
Sungmin looked between the two of them. “You are both staying here until the show. I’ll have the others do the interview without you. I want you to rest.”
Youngbin nodded, closing his eyes. It didn’t take long for him to drift off.
“He’s not performing,” Sungmin told the others. “He won’t make it on stage.”
“He did the soundcheck,” JongB pointed out. “You know Youngbin. He’s going to do everything in his power to get on that stage.”
I walked over to CX, handing him the medicine we had bought. “This should help.”
CX took it, making a face as he swallowed. “What about me?” he asked Sungmin.
Sungmin glanced at his watch as he stood up. “I meant it about the interview. I want you to rest. I want you to sit the fan meet section out,” he held a hand up before CX could protest. “Do you want to make your Gems ill too?”
“The doctor said it was food poisoning, not anything contagious,” CX protested.
“That doesn’t really make it sound any better,” I scoffed.
“Weren’t you wearing a mask before?” he countered.
“You are not doing the fan meet, Yongsik,” Sungmin repeated, firmly. “If you sit it out, I will let you do the show.”
I could see the doubt in CX’s eyes, but I could tell that he also trusted his manager. He nodded, looking miserable as he did so.
“Yongsik is correct: you had a mask on earlier and it should be on now too,” Taeyoon declared.
I pulled it out of my pocket and put it on.
“Perhaps you should stay here until the show starts too,” Sungmin suggested.
I pulled a face. “I’ve just walked to the pharmacy with you. I’m fine. I didn’t eat all of the meal and I think I’m coming down with a cold. I can still do my job.”
I left the room before Taeyoon or Sungmin tried to ground me too.
제 19 장
Baby
By the time the fan meeting started, I was feeling much better. The show had sold out and was full of excited fans.
And disappointed fans: as Sungmin had instructed, Youngbin and CX had to miss it. Most fans were sympathetic, like Gems had been at previous shows when one of the members hadn’t been able to perform.
There had been a few disgruntled comments on social media but most were silenced when CX came out. It was obvious from their first number that he still wasn’t feeling better. His dancing wasn’t as tight as it usually was, and I could see how out of breath he looked. And so could the audience.
As soon as they finished their first number and Onyx made their introductions, CX got the biggest cheer and then they started chanting Youngbin’s name.
For Youngbin to have not walked on the stage for the show at all, I knew he must have been suffering, which was why I nearly dropped my camera when he came out during the second half.
And apologized for being ill.
I could tell from the expression on Sungmin’s face that he was not happy nor in agreement with that decision.
I could see why when we loaded out. Youngbin had gone into a minibus and all but passed out in it.
With the two separate apartments, I didn’t get the opportunity to say anything to any of them, except in a group chat. Youngbin and CX had both gone straight to bed. Youngbin was the only one who hadn’t responded to any of the messages.
I sat on the end of my bed and pushed my phone to the side. I needed to start on the photographs from the show, but my mind was pre-occupied on the pregnancy test which had fallen out of my bag when I’d gotten my things out.
“It was food poisoning,” I said to myself as I plugged my flashes in to charge. “I’m not pregnant.” I picked up the box and then tossed it in the trash; that wasn’t something I wanted to explain to airport security. I sat down at the desk in the room and turned my laptop on. While I waited for the photographs to transfer, my gaze drifted back to the trash can.
“I’m not pregnant,” I said. Only, I got to my feet, walked over, and picked the test out of the trash.
I had the test: I could confirm that, right?
I walked into the bathroom and opened the box, grateful to find both Spanish and English instructions.
Pee on the stick. Wait five minutes.
It wasn’t rocket science.
I sat on the toilet, held the stick beneath me and peed on the stick. I was surprisingly calm as I set it down on the side of the sink as I washed my hands.
And then there was a knock at my door.
In a blind panic, I threw the test into the shower and dumped a towel on top of it.
There was another knock. I hurried out and opened the door, expecting it to be Dongjun.
It was JongB.
“What are you doing here?” I hissed at him, grabbing him by his collar and dragging him into the room. After a cautious look into the deserted hallway, I shut the door and turned back to him. “How are you in here?”
“I stole Sungmin’s key,” he said, holding up a keychain with a sombrero on it. He dropped his hand, sticking it in his pocket and then stood there, staring at me like I was about to combust in front of him.
“Not that I’m not happy to see you, but you really shouldn’t be here,” I told him, keeping my voice low. “Eunhae is in the room next to me and I can hear her sneezing through the walls.”
Instead of responding to that, JongB turned around and moved to my bed, sitting down on the edge of it. “I love you,” he told me, completely serious.
“I love you too.” I moved into the room but remained standing. There was no sign of the lightheartedness that usually emanated from JongB. It left me feeling confused and apprehensive. I rubbed at my upper arms.
“You really should take better care of yourself,” JongB informed me. He was up on his feet, grabbing a throw from an armchair and wrapping it around me before I could protest. Then, he made me sit in the chair, before returning to the bed.
“Should I be worried? Because you’re making me worry.” I freed my arms from the throw, but kept it wrapped around me. “What’s wrong, JongB?”
“Marry me.”
I stared at him, suddenly feeling like I wasn’t understanding, even though he was speaking to me in English. “Huh?”
“Marry me,” he repeated. Then, as though a switch was flicked, he slid off the bed, onto one knee and pulled a ring out of his pocket. It was one of his: a black band with red center and a pattern etched over the top of it.
“No.” I looked from the ring to JongB, seeing the sincerity in his eyes, and felt as confused as I did bad. “I love you, but I’m not marrying you.”
“I gave Youngbin some of the medicine from your bag.”
“Did you take some of it yourself?” I asked before I could stop myself.
“I saw it, Kate.” He was still so somber.
“The letter begging you to ask me to marry you?”
The ring was still being held in front of me as JongB shook his head. “The pregnancy test. That’s why you’ve been feeling ill, isn’t it?”
“Oh.” All the air escaped me as I slumped back into the armchair. “You saw that. Did any of the others?”
JongB quickly shook his head. “I pulled the pack of medicine out of it, leaving it in there.” He glanced over at the bag by my desk. “No one else knows, unless Sungmin-”
“He doesn’t
know I bought it,” I cut him off. “And I don’t think I am pregnant. I mean, the thought crossed my mind, yes, but then we discovered Youngbin and CX had food poisoning and I had eaten the same thing. Plus, I’m on the contraceptive pill…” I trailed off. “I don’t-”
JongB leaned forward, reaching for my hand. He set the ring in it and then closed my hand around it, holding it in his hand. “I love you Kate, and I will marry you. You’re not going to do this by yourself.”
“I’m not pregnant,” I told him as I shook myself free of his grip and stood up. “I took the test.” I walked into the bathroom. As soon as I was out of sight, I sucked in a deep breath, holding my hand up in front of me. It was shaking.
I wasn’t pregnant…
I couldn’t be pregnant…
… Right?
“Kate?”
I whirled around and found JongB in the bathroom door, watching me. “I didn’t check it,” I admitted, pointing to the towel in the middle of the shower.
“Do you want me to?”
“I can do it,” I said, walking over. “It’s my pee.”
“That’s kinda gross,” JongB groaned.
I glanced over my shoulder and found him pulling a face. “You know that’s just the beginning with a baby, right?”
“That’s different!” he protested. “I will change diapers and everything!”
I picked up the towel. I guess I had been expecting to need to pick the stick up to get my answer, but it was staring right at me. “I’m not pregnant.” I let out a laugh as I picked it up to show JongB. “I’m not pregnant.”
JongB lunged at me, wrapping his arms around me. “Oh, thank god.”
When he finally released me, I wrapped the stick in toilet paper and tossed it in the trash can. Then, I turned around and swiped at JongB’s shoulder. “Marriage?”
He held his hands up. “I wanted you to know I was going to stand by you. And what’s wrong with wanting to marry you?”
“I want to marry someone because we love each other, not because I’m pregnant.” I turned the tap on, running the cold water so that I could wash my face. I knew I couldn’t be pregnant, but damn it, if that voice in the back of my mind hadn’t had me half convinced.
