“Y... Yes,” she said meekly. “At Elemental School, we learn Fire for starters.”
“It’s... ummm... very impressive. Look, I’m sorry if I barked at you, Markie, but you see, I didn’t just want the candle lit. I wanted Massha to light it. It was part of her magic lesson.”
“I didn’t know that.”
“I know. I didn’t think to tell you. That’s why I’m apologizing. What happened here was my fault. Okay?”
She nodded her head, exaggerating the motion until it looked like she had a broken neck. It was an interesting illusion, one that I vastly preferred to the idea of her crying... especially in the mood I was in. The thought of Markie with a broken neck...
“Aahh... you did interrupt Massha’s lesson, though,” I said, forcing the other concept from my mind. “Don’t you think it would be nice if you apologized to her?”
“That’s a great idea, Daddy,” she beamed. “I’ll do that the next time I see her. Okay?”
That’s when I realized my apprentice had slipped out of the room.
“What do you think you’re doing, Massha?”
Leaning casually in the doorway of Massha’s bedroom, I realized my voice lacked the intimidating power of Aahz’s, but it’s the only voice I’ve got.
“What does it look like I’m doing?” she snarled, carrying a massive armload of clothes from her closet to dump on the bed.
“I’d say, offhand, that it looks like you’re packing. The question is, why?”
“People usually pack because it’s the easiest way to carry their things when they travel. Less wear and tear on the wardrobe.”
Suddenly, I was weary of the banter. Heaving a sigh, I moved in front of her, blocking her path. “No more games, Massha. Okay? Tell me straight out, why are you leaving? Don’t you owe your teacher that much at least?”
She turned away, busying herself with something on her dresser.
“C’mon, Skeeve,” she said in a tone so low I could barely hear it. “You saw what happened downstairs.”
“I saw you on the verge of making a major breakthrough in your lessons, if that’s what you mean. If Markie hadn’t come in, you would have had the candle lit in another few seconds.”
“Big deal!”
She spun to face me, and I could see that she was trying not to cry. There seemed to be a lot of that going around.
“Excuse me, Skeeve, but big fat hairy deal. So I can light a candle. So what?! After years of study, Massha can light a candle... and a little girl can blow the end off the table without even trying! What does that make me? A magician? Ha ha! What a joke.”
“Massha, I can’t do what Markie did downstairs... or what she did in the Bazaar either, for that matter. I told you when you first approached me to be my apprentice exactly how little magic I knew. I’m still learning, though... and in the meantime we’re still holding our own in the magic business... and that’s here at the Bazaar. The Magic Capital of the dimensions.”
That seemed to settle her a bit, but not much.
“Tell me honestly, Hot Stuff,” she said, pursing her lips. “How good do you think I could ever be with magic... really?”
“I don’t know. I’d like to think that with work and practice you could be better than you are now, though. That’s really all any of us can hope for.”
“You may be right Skeeve, and it’s a good thought. The fact still remains that in the meantime, I’ll always be small potatoes around here... magically, of course. The way things are going, I’m destined to be a hanger-on. A leech. You and Aahz are nice guys, and you’d never throw me out, but I can’t think of one good reason why I should stay.”
“I can.”
My head came around so fast I was in momentary danger of whiplash. Framed in the doorway was...
“TANANDA!”
“In the flesh,” she said with a wink. “But that’s not the subject here. Massha, I can’t speak for long-term conditions, but I’ve got one good reason why you shouldn’t leave just now. It’s the same reason I’m back.”
“What’s that?”
“It involves the Great Skeeve here. C’mon downstairs. I’m going to brief everybody at once at a war council. We’ve got a full-blown crisis on our hands.”
ONE OF THE rooms in our extra-dimensional palace had a large oval table in it surrounded by chairs. When we moved in, we dubbed it the Conference Room, since there didn’t seem to be any other practical use for it. We never used it for conferences, mind you, but it’s always nice to have a conference room.
Tonight, however, it was packed to capacity. Apparently Tananda had rounded up the whole household, including Markie and Bunny, before locating Massha and me, and everyone was already seated as we walked in.
“Can we get started now?” Aahz asked caustically. “I do have other things to do, you know.”
“Really?” Chumley sneered. “Like what?”
“Like talking to the Geek about that invitation,” my partner shot back.
“Without talking to your partner first?”
“I didn’t say I was going to refuse or accept. I just want to talk to him about...”
“Can we table the argument for the moment?” I interrupted. “I want to hear what Tananda has to say.”
“Thanks, Skeeve,” she said, flashing me a quick smile before dropping back into her solemn manner. “I guess you all know I was moving out of here. Well, poking around the Bazaar, I heard a rumor that’s changed my mind. If it’s true, we’re all going to have our hands full dealing with it.”
She paused, but no one else said anything. For a change, we were all giving her our undivided attention.
“I guess I should drop the shoe first, then we can all go on from there. The talk on the street is that someone’s hired the Ax to do a number on Skeeve.”
There was a few heartbeats of silence; then the room exploded.
“Why should anyone...”
“Who’s hired the Ax?”
“Where did you hear...”
“Hold it! HOLD IT!” Tananda shouted, holding up her hands for silence. “I can only answer one question at a time ... but I’ll warn you in advance, I don’t have that many answers to start with.”
“Who’s hired him?” Aahz demanded, seizing first position.
“The way I heard it, a group of magicians here at the Bazaar is none too happy with Skeeve’s success. They feel he’s taking all the choice assignments these days ... getting all the glory work. What they’ve done is pool their money so they can hire the Ax to do what they’re all afraid to do themselves ... namely, deal with Skeeve.”
“Do you hear that, Chumley? Still think I’m being melodramatic?”
“Shut up, Aahz. Where’d you hear this, little sister?”
“Remember Vic? The little vampire that relocated here from Limbo? Well, he’s opened his own magic practice here at the Bazaar. It seems that he was approached to contribute to the fund. He’s new enough here that he didn’t know any of them by name, but they claim to have the support of nearly a dozen of the small-time magicians.”
“Why didn’t he warn us as soon as he heard?”
“He’s trying to stay neutral. He didn’t contribute, but he also didn’t want to be the one to blow the whistle to Skeeve. The only reason he said anything to me was that he was afraid that anyone close to Skeeve might get caught in the crossfire. I must admit, he seems to have a rather exaggerated idea of how much Skeeve here can handle on his own.”
“Can I ask a question?” I said grimly. “As the intended victim?”
“Sure, Skeeve. Ask away.”
“Who’s the Ax?”
At least half the heads at the table swiveled toward me while the faces attached to them dropped their jaws. “You’re kidding!”
“Don’t you know who...”
“Aah
z, didn’t you teach him any...”
“Whoa! Hold it!” I shouted over the clamor. “I can only take so much of this informative babbling at one time. Aahz! As my friend, partner, and sometimes mentor, could you deign to tell me in simple terms who the Ax is?”
“Nobody knows.”
I closed my eyes and gave my head a small shake in an effort to clear my ears. After all this “Gee, why don’t you know that?” brouhaha, I could swear he said ...
“He’s right, handsome,” Tananda chimed in. “The Ax’s real identity is one of the most closely guarded secrets in all the dimensions. That’s why he’s so effective at what he does.”
“That may be true,” I nodded. “But from the reaction in this room when you dropped the name, I’d guess that somebody knows something about him. Now, let me rephrase the question. If you don’t know who the Ax is, could someone enlighten me as to what he is?”
“The Ax is the greatest Character Assassin in all the dimensions,” Aahz said with a snarl. “He works freelance and charges fees that make ours look like pocket change. Once the Ax is on your tail, though, you might as well kiss it goodbye. He’s ruined more careers than five stock-market crashes. Haven’t you ever heard the expression ‘take the ax to someone’? Well, that’s where it comes from.”
I felt that all-too-familiar “down elevator” sensation in my stomach.
“How does he do it?”
“It varies,” my partner shrugged. “He tailor makes his attack depending on the assignment. The only constant is that whatever you were when he started, you’re not when he’s done.”
“I wish you’d quit saying ‘you’ all the time. I’m not dead yet.”
“Sorry, partner. Figure of speech.”
“Well, that’s just swell!” Guido exploded. “How’re Nunzio n’ me supposed to guard the Boss when we don’t know what’s comin’ at him?”
“You don’t,” Aahz shot back. “This is out of your category, Guido. We’re talking about character assassination, not a physical attack. It’s not in your job description.”
“Izzat so!” Nunzio said in his squeaky voice. “Don Bruce says we should guard him. I don’t remember him sayin’ anything about physical or non-physical attacks. Right, Guido?”
“That’s right! If the Boss has got someone after his scalp, guardin’ him is our job ... if that’s all right with you, MISTER Aahz!”
“I wouldn’t trust you two to guard a fish head, much less my partner!” Aahz roared, surging to his feet.
“Stop it, Aahz!” Tananda ordered, kicking my partner’s chair so that it cut his legs out from under him and plopped him back into his seat. “If we’re up against the Ax, we’re going to need all the help we can get. Let’s stop bickering about the ‘who’ and concentrate on the ‘how.” Okay? We’re all scared, but that doesn’t mean we should turn on each other when it’s the Ax that’s our target.”
That cooled everybody down for the moment. There were a few glares and mutters exchanged, but at least the volume level dropped to where I could be heard.
“I think you’re all overlooking something,” I said quietly.
“What’s that?” Tananda blinked.
“Aahz came close a minute ago. This is my problem ... and it’s not really in any of your job descriptions. We’re all friends, and there are business ties between Aahz and me, as well as Guido and Nunzio, but we’re talking about reputations here. If I get hit, and everyone seems to be betting against me right now, anyone standing close to me is going to get mud splashed on them, too. It seems to me that the best course of action is for the rest of you to pull back, or, better still, for me to move out and present a solo target. That way, we’re only running the risk of having one career ruined ... mine. I got where I am by standing on your shoulders. If I can’t maintain it on my own, well, maybe it wasn’t much of a career to start with.”
The whole room was staring at me as I lurched to a halt.
“You know, Skeeve old boy,” Chumley said, clearing his throat, “as much as I like you, sometimes it’s difficult to remember just how intelligent you are.”
“I’ll say,” Tananda snarled. “That’s about the dumbest ... Wait a minute! Does this have anything to do with my leaving?”
“A bit,” I admitted. “And Massha leaving and Aahz’s talking about responsibility, and...”
“Stop right there!” Aahz ordered, holding up his hand. “Let’s talk about responsibility, partner. It’s funny that I should have to lecture you about this, but there are all sorts of responsibilities. One of the ones that I’ve learned about from you is the responsibility to one’s friends: helping them out when they’re in trouble, and letting them help you in return. I haven’t forgotten how you came into a strange dimension to bust me out of prison after I’d refused your help in the first place; or how you signed us on to play in the Big Game to bail Tananda out after she was caught thieving; or how you insisted that Don Bruce assign Guido and Nunzio here to you when they were in line for disciplinary action after botching their assignment for the Mob. I haven’t forgotten it, and I’ll bet they haven’t either, even if you have. Now, I suggest you shut up about job descriptions and let your friends help you ... partner.”
“A-bloody-men.” Chumley nodded.
“You could have left me with the Geek for the slavers,” Markie said thoughtfully, in a surprisingly adult voice.
“So, now that that’s settled,” my partner said, rubbing his hands together, “let’s get to work. My buddy Guido here has raised a good point. How do we defend Skeeve when we don’t know how or when the Ax will strike?”
We hadn’t really settled it, and Aahz wasn’t about to give me a chance to point it out. I was just as glad, though, since I really didn’t know what to say.
“All we can do is be on the lookout for anyone or anything strange showing up.” Tananda shrugged.
“Like a showdown match of dragon poker with the Sen-Sen Ante Kid,” Chumley said, staring into the distance.
“What’s that?”
“You missed it, little sister. It seems that our boy Skeeve has drawn the attention of the king of dragon poker. He wants a head-to-head showdown match, and he wants it soon.”
“Don’t look at me like that, Chumley.” Aahz grimaced. “I’m changing my vote. If we want to preserve Skeeve’s reputation, there’s no way he can refuse the challenge. Now I’m willing to admit it’ll be money well spent.”
“My daddy can beat anybody at dragon poker,” Markie declared loyally.
“Your daddy can get his brains beaten out royally,” my partner corrected gently. “I just hope we can teach him enough between now and game time that he can lose gracefully.”
“I don’t like it,” Tananda growled. “It’s too convenient. Somehow this game has the Ax’s fingerprints all over it.”
“You’re probably right,” Aahz sighed. “But there’s not much else we can do except accept the challenge and try to make the best of a bad situation.”
“Bite the bullet and play the cards we’re dealt. Eh, Aahz?” I murmured.
I thought I had spoken quietly, but everyone around the table winced, including Markie. They might be loyal enough to risk their lives and careers defending me, but they weren’t going to laugh at my jokes.
“Wait a minute!” Nunzio squeaked. “Do you think there’s a chance that the Kid is actually the Ax?”
“Low probability,” Bunny said, speaking for the first time in the meeting. “Someone like the Ax has to work a low profile. The Sen-Sen Ante Kid is too noticeable. If he were a character assassin, people would notice in no time flat. Besides, when he wins, nobody thinks it’s because his opponents are disreputable ... it’s because the Kid is good. No, I figure the Ax has got to be like the purloined letter ... he can hide in plain sight. Figure the last person you’d suspect, and you’ll be getting close to his real id
entity.”
The conversation swirled on around me, but I didn’t listen very closely. For some reason, a thought had occurred to me while Bunny was talking. We had all been referring to the Ax as a “he,” but if no one knew his real identity, he could just as easily be a “she.” If anything, men were much less defensive and more inclined to brag about the details of their careers when they were with a woman.
Bunny was a woman. She had also appeared suddenly on our doorstep right around the time the Ax was supposed to be getting his assignment. We already knew that she was smarter than she let on ... words like “purloined” didn’t go with the vacant stare she so carefully cultivated. What better place for the Ax to strike from than the inside?
I decided that I should have a little chat with my moll as soon as the opportunity presented itself.
IT WAS WITH a certain amount of trepidation that I approached Bunny’s bedroom. In case you haven’t noticed, my experience with women is rather limited ... like to the fingers of one hand limited.
Tananda, Massha, Luanna, Queen Hemlock, and now Bunny were the only adult females I had ever had to deal with, and thus far my track record was less than glowing. I had had a crush on Tananda for a while, but now she was more of a big sister to me. Massha was ... well, Massha. I guess if anything I saw her as a kid sister, someone to be protected and sometimes cuddled. I’ve never really understood her open admiration of me, but it had stood firm through some of my most embarrassing mishaps and made it easy for me to confide in her. Even though I still thought of Luanna as my one true love, I had only spoken to her on four occasions, and after our last exchange I wasn’t sure there would ever be a fifth meeting. The only relationship I had had with a woman which was more disastrous than my attempt at love was the one I had had with Queen Hemlock. She might not shoot me on sight, but there was no doubt in anyone’s mind that she would like to ... and she’s the one who wanted to marry me!
Of course, none of the women I had dealt with so far was anything like Bunny, though whether this was good or bad I wasn’t entirely sure. The fact still remained, however, that I was going to have to learn more about her, for two reasons: first, if she was going to be a resident of our household, I wanted to get a better fix on where she was coming from so I could treat her as something other than a mad aunt in the cellar; and second, if she was the Ax, the sooner I found out, the better. Unfortunately, the only way I could think of to obtain the necessary information was to talk to her.
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