“Harmless? Harmless! That’s my whole life and career we’re talking about.”
“Hey! C’mon, Skeeve. Aren’t you exaggerating a little bit there! I don’t think...”
“Exaggerating??”
“Well, I still think you’d make a good husband for her...”
“Exaggerating? Aahz, are you listening to...”
As I turned to appeal to my partner, I noticed he was laughing so hard he was spilling the wine. Of all the reactions I might have expected from him, laughing wasn’t ...
Then it hit me.
“Husband?!?!?”
“Of course. Isn’t that what we’ve been talkin’ about?”
“Skeeve here thinks that your niece is the Ax and that you turned her loose on him to destroy his career,” my partner managed between gasps.
“The Ax???”
“HUSBAND????”
“Are you crazy??”
“One of us is!!”
“How about both?” Aahz grinned, stepping between us. “Wine, anyone?”
“But he said...”
“What about...”
“Gentlemen, gentlemen. It’s clear that communications have gotten a little fouled up between the two of you. I suggest you each take some wine and we’ll start all over again from the top.”
Almost mechanically, we both reached for the wine, eyeing each other all the while like angry cats.
“Very good,” my partner nodded. “Now then, Don Bruce, as the visiting team I believe you have first serve.”
“What’s this about the Ax!?!” the mobster demanded, leaning forward so suddenly half the wine sloshed out of his glass.
“You know who the Ax is??”
“I know what he is! The question is, what does he have to do with you and Bunny?”
“We’ve heard recently that someone’s hired the Ax to do a number on Skeeve,” Aahz supplied.
“... Right about the same time Bunny showed up,” I added.
“And that’s supposed to make her the Ax?”
“Well, there has been some trouble since she arrived.” “Like what?”
“Well ... Tananda left because of things that were said when she found out that Bunny was in my bedroom one morning.”
“Tananda? The same Tananda that said ‘Hi’ to me when I walked in here today?”
“She ... ummm ... came back.”
“I see. What else?”
“She scared off my girlfriend.”
“Girlfriend? You got a girlfriend?”
“Well, not exactly ... but I might have had one if Bunny wasn’t here.”
“Uh-huh. Aahz, haven’t you ever told him the ‘bird in the hand’ story?”
“I try, but he isn’t big on listening.”
I can always count on my partner to rally to my defense in times of crisis.
“What else?”
“Ummm...”
“Tell him!” Aahz smiled.
“Tell me what?”
“My dragon doesn’t like her.”
“I’m not surprised. She’s never gotten along with animals ... at least the four-footed kind. I don’t see where that makes her the Ax, though.”
“It’s ... it’s just that on top of the other evidence...” My voice trailed off in front of Don Bruce’s stony stare.
“You know, Skeeve,” he said at last. “As much as I like you, there are times, like now, I wish you was on the other side of the law. If the D.A.s put together a case like you do, we could cut our bribe budget by ninety percent, and our attorney’s fees by a hundred percent!”
“But...”
“Now listen close, ‘cause I’m only goin’ to go over this once. You’re the representative for the Mob, and me, here at the Bazaar. If you look bad, then we look bad. Got it? What possible sense would it make for us to hire someone to make you, and us, look bad?”
On the ropes, I glanced at Aahz for support.
“That was going to be the next question I was going to ask, partner.”
Terrific.
“Well,” Don Bruce announced, standing up. “If that’s settled, I guess I can go now.”
“Not so fast,” my partner smiled, holding up a hand. “There’s still the matter of the question that Skeeve asked: if Bunny isn’t the Ax, what’s she doing here? What was that you were saying about a husband?”
The mobster sank back into his chair and reached for his wine, all the while avoiding my eyes.
“I’m not gettin’ any younger,” he said. “Someday I’m goin’ to retire, and I thought I should maybe start lookin’ around for a replacement. It’s always nice to have ‘em in the family ... the real family, I mean, and since I got an unmarried niece...”
“Whoa! Wait a minute,” Aahz interrupted. “Are you saying that you’re considering Skeeve as your eventual replacement in the Mob?”
“It’s a possibility. Why not? Like I said, he runs a class operation and he’s smart ... at least I used to think so.”
“Don Bruce, I ... I don’t know what to say,” I said honestly.
“Then don’t say nothin’!” he responded grimly. “Whatever’s goin’ to happen is a long way off. That’s why I didn’t say anything to you direct. I’m not ready to retire yet.”
“Oh.” I didn’t know whether to feel disappointment or relief.
“About Bunny?” my partner prompted.
The mobster shrugged. “What’s to say that hasn’t already been said? She’s my niece, he’s one of my favorite chieftains. I thought it would be a good idea to put ‘em close to each other and see if anything happened.”
“I ... I don’t know,” I said thoughtfully. “I mean, Bunny’s nice enough ... especially now that I know she isn’t the Ax. I just don’t think I’m ready to get married yet.”
“Didn’t say you were,” Don Bruce shrugged. “Don’t get me wrong, Skeeve. I’m not tryin’ to push you into this. I know it’ll take time. Like I said, I just fixed it so you two could meet and see if anything develops ... that’s all. If it works out, fine. If it doesn’t, also fine, I’m not about to try to force things or kid myself that you two will make a pair if you won’t. If nothing else, you’ve got a pretty good accountant while you find out ... and from lookin’ over your financial figures you could use one.”
“Izzat so?”
He had finally tweaked Aahz close to home ... or his wallet, which in his case is the same thing.
“What’s wrong with our finances? We’re doing okay.”
“Okay isn’t soarin’. You boys got no plan. The way I see it, you’ve spent so much time livin’ hand-to-mouth you’ve never learned what to do with money except stack it and spend it. Bunny can show you how to make your money work for you.”
Aahz rubbed his chin thoughtfully. It was interesting to see my partner caught between pride and greed.
“I dunno,” he said at last. “It sounds good, and we’ll probably look into it eventually, but we’re a little tight right now.”
“The way I hear it, you’re tight all the time,” Don Bruce commented drily.
“No. I mean right now we’re really tight for finances. We’ve got a lot of capital tied up in the big game tonight.”
“Big game? What big game?”
“Skeeve is going head to head with the Sen-Sen Ante Kid at dragon poker tonight. It’s a challenge match.”
“That’s why I wanted to talk to you about Bunny,” I said. “Since I thought she was the Ax, I didn’t want her around to cause trouble at the game.”
“Why didn’t anybody tell me about this game?” Don Bruce demanded. “It wasn’t in your report!”
“It’s come up since then.”
“What are the stakes?”
I looked at Aahz. I had been so busy trying to learn how dragon poker was
played that I had never gotten around to asking about the stakes.
For some reason, my partner suddenly looked uncomfortable.
“Table stakes,” he said.
“Table stakes?” I frowned. “What’s that?”
I half-expected him to tell me he’d explain later, but instead he addressed the subject with surprising enthusiasm.
“In a table stakes game, each of you starts with a certain amount of money. Then you play until one of you is out of chips, or...”
“I know what table stakes are,” Don Bruce interrupted. “What I want to know is how much you’re playing for.”
Aahz hesitated, then shrugged. “A quarter of a million each.”
“A QUARTER OF A MILLION???”
I hadn’t hit that note since my voice changed.
“Didn’t you know?” the mobster scowled.
“We hadn’t told him,” my partner sighed. “I was afraid that if he knew what the stakes were, he’d clutch. We were just going to give him the stack of chips to play without telling him how much they were worth.”
“A quarter of a million?” I repeated, a little hoarser this time.
“See?” Aahz grinned. “You’re clutching.”
“But, Aahz, do we have a quarter of a million to spare?”
My partner’s grin faded and he started avoiding my eyes.
“I can answer that one, Skeeve,” Don Bruce said. “No one has a quarter of a million to spare. Even if you’ve got it, you don’t have it to spare, know what I mean?”
“It’s not going to take all our money,” Aahz said slowly. “The others have chipped in out of their savings, too: Tananda, Chumley, Massha, even Guido and Nunzio. We’ve all got a piece of the action.”
“Us too,” the mobster declared. “Put the Mob down for half.” I’m not sure who was more surprised, Aahz or me. But Aahz recovered first.
“That’s nice of you, Don Bruce, but you don’t understand what’s really happening here. Skeeve here is a rank beginner at the game. He had one lucky night, and by the time the rumor mill got through with it, he had drawn a challenge from the Kid. He can’t refuse without looking foolish, and with the Ax on the loose we can’t afford any bad press we can avoid. That’s why we’re pooling our money, so Skeeve can go in there and lose gracefully. The actual outcome is preordained. The Kid’s going to eat him alive.”
“... And maybe you weren’t listening earlier,” the mobster shot back. “If Skeeve looks bad, we look bad. The Mob backs its people, especially when it comes to public image. Win or lose, we’re in for half, okay?”
“If you say so,” Aahz shrugged.
“... And try to save me a couple seats. I’m gonna want to see my boy in action—firsthand.”
“It’ll cost!”
“Did I ask? Just...”
I wasn’t really listening to the conversation any more. I hadn’t realized before just how solidly my friends were behind me.
A quarter of a million ...
Right then something solidified in my mind that had been hovering there for several days now. Whatever the others thought, I was going to try my best to win this game!
THERE WAS AN aura of expectation over the Bazaar that night as we set out for the Even-Odds. At first I thought I was just seeing things differently because of my anticipation and nervousness. As we walked, however, it became more and more apparent that it was not simply my imagination.
Not a single vendor or shop shill approached us, not a Deveel hailed us with a proposed bargain. On the contrary, as we proceeded along the aisles, conversation and business ground to a halt as everyone turned to watch us pass. A few called out their wishes of “good luck” or friendly gibes about seeing me after the game, but for the most part they simply stared in silent fascination.
If I had ever had any doubts as to the existence or extent of the rumor mill and grapevine at the Bazaar, that night put them to rest forever. Everybody and I mean everybody knew who I was, where I was going, and what was waiting for me.
In some ways it was fun. I’ve noted earlier that I generally kept a low profile in the immediate neighborhood and have gotten used to walking around unnoticed. My recent shopping trips had gained me a certain notoriety, but it was nothing compared to this. Tonight, I was a full-blown celebrity! Realizing the uncertainty of the game’s outcome, I decided to seize the moment and play my part to the hilt.
To a certain degree it was easy. We already made quite a procession. Guido and Nunzio were decked out in their working clothes of trench coats and weapons and preceded us, clearing a path through the gawkers. Tananda and Chumley brought up the rear looking positively grim as they eyeballed anyone who seemed to be edging too close. Aahz was walking just ahead of me, carrying our stake money in two large bags. If anyone entertained the thought of intercepting us for the money, all they had to do was look at Aahz’s swagger and the gleam in his yellow eyes, and they would suddenly decide there were easier ways to get rich... like wrestling dragons or panning for gold in a swamp.
We had left Markie back at our place over her loud and indignant protests. I had stood firm, though. This game was going to be rough enough without having her around as a distraction. Massha had volunteered to stay with her, claiming she was far too nervous about the game to enjoy watching it anyway.
Bunny was decked out in a clinging outfit in brilliant white and hung on my arm like I was the most important thing in her life. More than a few envious eyes darted from her to me and back again.
No one was kidding anyone, though, as to who the center of attention was. You guessed it. Me! After all, I was the one on my way to lock horns with the legendary Sen-Sen Ante Kid on his own terrain... a card table. Bunny had chosen my clothes for me, and I was resplendent in a dark maroon open-necked shirt with light charcoal gray slacks and vest. I felt and looked like a million... well, make that a quarter of a million. If I was going to have my head handed to me tonight, I was at least going to be able to accept it in style... which was the whole point of this exercise, anyway.
I didn’t even try to match Aahz’s strut, knowing I would only suffer by comparison. Instead, I contented myself with maintaining a slow, measured, dignified pace as I nodded and waved at the well-wishers. The idea was to exude unhurried confidence. In actuality, it made me feel like I was on the way to the gallows, but I did my best to hide it and keep smiling.
The crowds got progressively thicker as we neared the Even-Odds, and I realized with some astonishment that this was because of the game. Those without the clout or the money to get space inside were loitering around the area in hopes of being one of the first to hear about the game’s outcome. I had known that gambling was big at the Bazaar, but I never thought it was this popular.
The assemblage melted away before us, clearing a path to the door. I began to recognize faces in the crowd, people I knew. There was Gus waving enthusiastically at me, and over there...
“Vic!”
I veered from our straight line and the whole procession ground to a halt.
“Hi, Skeeve!” the vampire smiled, clapping me on the shoulder. “Good luck tonight!”
“I’m going to need it!” I confided. “Seriously, though, I’ve been meaning to stop by and thank you for your warning about the Ax.”
Vic’s face fell. “You might have trouble finding me. I’m about to lose my office.”
“Really? Is business that bad?”
“Worse. There’s an awful lot of competition here.”
“Well, tell you what. Why don’t you stop by my place tomorrow and we’ll talk. Maybe we can work out a small loan or maybe even subcontract some assignments until you’re established.”
“Gee. Thanks, Skeeve!”
A sudden inspiration hit me. “Come by around noon. We’ll do lunch!”
It seemed like a really good idea to me. I wondered w
hy businessmen hadn’t thought of talking out ideas over lunch before! For some reason, Vic winced before returning my smile.
“Lunch it is,” he said.
“Umm... I hate to interrupt, partner, but you do have an appointment you’re supposed to be at.”
“Right, Aahz. Vic! Tomorrow!”
With that, I allowed myself to be ushered into the Even-Odds.
A ripple of applause broke out as I entered the main bar and gaming room, and I barely caught myself from turning to look behind me. For me or against me, the people were here to watch the game and if nothing else were grateful to me for providing the evening’s entertainment.
Terrific. I was about to risk a quarter of a million in gold so that folks wouldn’t have to watch summer reruns.
The club had been rearranged since the last time I was there. One card table stood alone in the center of the room, while scores of people lined the walls. While the crowd outside might have been larger, the group inside the club made up with clout what they lacked in numbers. While I didn’t begin to recognize everyone, the ones I did spot led me to believe that the ‘Who’s Who’ of Deva was assembled to watch the game. Hay-ner, my landlord and leader of the Devan Chamber of Commerce was there along with his usual clutch of cronies. He nodded politely when our eyes met, but I suspected he was really hoping to see me lose.
Don Bruce was there as promised, and raised his hands over his head, clenched them together, and gave them a brief shake, smiling all the while. I guessed it was some sign of encouragement. At the very least, I hoped I wasn’t being hailed with some secret Mob death sign. Of course, that didn’t occur to me until after I had waved back.
“Skeeve. SKEEVE! Have you got a moment?”
I glanced around to find the Geek standing at my elbow.
“Sure, Geek,” I shrugged. “What can I do for you?”
The Deveel seemed extremely nervous, his complexion several shades off its normal hue. “I... you can promise not to hold a grudge. I promise you that tonight was none of my doing. All I did was make the arrangements after the Kid issued the challenge. I didn’t give him your name... honest.”
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