“Tell me why you’re depressed, Corey.’ I said something smart to him, but he just watched me. And I erupted.” My eyes sting like I’m going to cry and I hate myself for it. Olivia waits for me to continue, but I don’t. I can’t. My throat hurts, water is on the brink of my eyes, and I want to forget about all of it.
Just for a little while.
Olivia is here and in my bed. I’ve kissed her before. I can do it again.
With no hesitation, I press my lips to hers, pulling her closer. She’s caught off guard at first, but then she kisses me back. Her lips, her tongue, her mouth can make me forget. I roll us over so I’m on top of her, pressing into her. My hands run down her sides and God, she feels like a piece of heaven.
“Corey,” she breathes as I kiss her neck, sucking on the skin just below her ear. But then I feel her hands on my shoulders and she pushes me away. “Corey, not like this.” Her voice is barely a whisper of rejection. “You can’t use me like this.”
She’s right. I was going to use her.
I’m such a prick.
As I bring my arms up to frame the sides of her head, I press my forehead into the pillow next to her. My voice surprises me with how hoarse and raw it is. “I’m sorry.”
She wraps her arms around my neck in a strong hug. “I forgive you.”
Her words sink into my skin, relaxing me inch by inch. Every emotion possible chooses that moment to overwhelm me. I lost it. I lost the only thing left that was mine. I lost the only dream left of my parents that I could fulfill for them. I lost the only thing that kept me sane, that kept me from sinking into depression.
I lost everything.
And now, I’m buried beneath the weight of it all, pinned with no way out.
A tear falls. Then another, until my eyes are like freaking waterfalls. Olivia tightens her hold on me, a reminder that she’s here. Her silence is my comfort until the crying stops.
“Talk to me,” she says softly.
My head shakes. “I can’t. I don’t.” I squeeze my eyes closed, hating how my voice is raspy.
“You can and you do. We did this morning, remember?”
This is different. I’m not sure how exactly, but it is. I start vomiting words, forcefully chucking them up without much of a choice.
“My dad wanted me to be in the NFL, he believed I had the talent. He died, so I really wanted to do that for him and for me. I loved football. Then after they died, I needed it to survive, so that for a few hours, I could pretend they were in the stands cheering me on. So that on days when all I wanted to do was hide under my blankets in bed, I could forget that I had to be strong. I wanted to forget they died. I wanted to forget that as I grew older, it was harder to stay happy.
“I wanted to forget how on some days, for no apparent reason, I was so torn up. I wanted to forget it was a struggle to not feel as if I was falling apart. I wanted to forget I’m why my siblings feel as if they can’t talk about them. I wanted to forget that I’m not strong like he wanted me to be for them. I wanted to forget that I could and would spiral over something I shouldn’t.
“Football let me forget, Olivia. It gave me a purpose and a reason to fight through it. Now, it’s gone and I’m lost. I’m so fucking lost without it and I can’t handle it. I don’t know how, Olivia. I don’t know if I can. And it just hurts so bad. I want it back. I want it back more than anything else in the world. There wasn’t a backup plan. There wasn’t even a thought of the possibility. In a second, I lost the one thing keeping me together, the one thing I loved as much as my siblings.
“And I can’t breathe enough to know what to do without it. I can’t focus. I can’t think. I can’t get out of bed. I can’t talk. I can’t get a decent sleep. I can’t breathe, Olivia. I can’t breathe and I can’t forget.”
My breathing hitches, coming faster as the panic sets in. Everything I needed that helped me live is gone. There’s no way to get it back. There’s no replacement. My breaths are short and labored.
“Corey, calm down,” Olivia tells me in a soothing voice. I’m gasping for air when she forces me to look at her, cupping her hands on my cheeks. “Corey,” she says sternly. “Breathe.”
I shake my head. I can’t.
“You’re hyperventilating. Breathe with me.”
She inhales for five seconds and then exhales. I focus on her chest pressing into mine and the steady stream of air hitting my face as it leaves her mouth. Slowly, I regain control. Her fingers swipe over my cheeks and I realize I was crying again. Rolling back to my side, Olivia does the same and watches me. It’s too dark to read her expression and my vision is too blurry anyway.
Olivia moves closer to rest her face against my chest, intertwines her legs with mine, throws an arm around my waist, and squeezes once. I hold her to me, waiting for her to speak. She has to say something. I need her to say something. Anything.
Finally, she does. “You can find your way back, Corey. You’ll learn better methods and you’ll get through this. I’ll help and make sure of it.”
I don’t know why, but I believe her. When my eyes close, I’m able to fall asleep within minutes.
A COUPLE OF days pass without any more crying sessions. Olivia has been keeping a close watch on me thanks to that night, the new medication, and every other reason she can think of. And maybe I got a little ahead of myself, but I quit my job at the club. No two-weeks notice, no I’m sorry, just I quit. Honestly, it felt good. Olivia shook her head and told me I could have been nicer and gave them notice. I rolled my eyes at her.
I haven’t talked to her much today, so I cross the hall to her apartment. Before I knock, I lift the corner of the doormat. No spare key. Hm. Where does the genius keep hers, then? I knock and frown, my muscles automatically tensing when Ben answers the door. What’s his excuse for opening it this time?
“Hey,” he smiles, because that’s what people do when they answer doors.
I don’t reciprocate. “Where’s Olivia?”
“In her room taking a phone call. Who are you again?” Like he deserves to know who I am.
Bumping into his shoulder, I walk into her apartment to wait for her. The bar in the kitchen has papers and textbooks all over it.
“Man, I don’t know who you are or if you should be in here,” he starts, as if I’m a crazy guy here to harm Olivia.
I turn to face him, crossing my arms over my chest. “I’m her neighbor. I’ve been here plenty of times.” Am I pissed because he’s sort of concerned for her or appreciative that he doesn’t want just anyone waltzing into her apartment? Why is she even tutoring him here? She doesn’t tutor anyone else here. Only him. Reluctantly, I hold out my hand. Where the hell is Olivia? I don’t want to socialize. “Corey,” I say anyway.
“Ben.” He seems skeptical of me still.
“Corey?” Thank God, because I had no clue what else I was supposed to say to him. She walks over to us and glances between us before settling on me. “What are you doing over here?”
“I came to see you.” Why else would I leave my apartment?
“Obviously,” she laughs. “Ben, this is Corey. Corey, Ben,” she introduces.
“We covered that already, Liv,” Ben tells her.
“Well, we were almost done, so want to just call it quits for today then?” Ha, she’s kicking him out now that I’m here. I smile to myself as Ben nods and they start packing up their books.
“Hey, a bunch of us are going to a bar across town if you want to come, Liv.” I hate that he calls her Liv, but she doesn’t seem to mind. Ben glances at me. “Corey could come with you, I guess, if you wanted to bring him.”
“What time?” she asks. She can’t seriously ditch me for him and his football friends, because who else would be there? “Which one?”
For a second, I doubt us, whatever we are. Maybe she’d rather have the guy who can play than the guy who was destroyed because he can’t. Ben rattles off the details to her as I grab a bottle of water from her fridge, twisting and untwi
sting the cap without ever taking it off until he leaves. I wonder what I’ll have to do to make her stay here with me. She should go out and have fun, though. Thanks to me, she’s stuck in one of our apartments more often than not.
The moment the door closes, she faces me, looking excited. “Do you want to go?”
“Go where?”
“To the bar with them.” Her tone is full of Duh, Corey. “I mean, you shouldn’t drink because of the medication and all, but it will still be fun. So,” she comes over, taking the water from me. “Do you want to go?”
Oh. I forgot about this option. Do I want to go? If I want her to stay with me, I should. We could both get out of the apartment.
Oh, my God. I’m starting to think like her. She’s brainwashing me.
“C’mon, Corey. It’ll be good for us both. Let’s go.”
Please don’t make me regret this. “Okay.”
My answer temporarily stuns her. “Really?”
“Do you want me to change my mind?”
“No, no. Not at all. You…nevermind.” She grins and gives me a quick hug. “You can meet my friends and it’ll be a blast.”
Ugh. Friends? Football players and friends? She’s trying to kill me. Olivia’s going to brainwash me and then kill me. I’m tempted to ask how long we’re going to be gone, but I don’t. I’ll let her enjoy her victory.
“Why do you tutor him here, Liv?” Saying her name like that makes me frown. I don’t like it.
“Because it’s easier.”
Easier? What’s that supposed to mean? I want to question her about it so badly, but she shrugs it off like it’s no big deal and I decide to wait. There is one thing I can ask, though.
“Where’s your spare key?”
“What?”
“You know where mine is. Where’s yours? I checked under the mat and you don’t keep it there.”
Olivia laughs, giggling like a little kid. “I don’t keep my spare outside. Obviously. I was locked out, remember?”
I grin. “Looks like I’m the genius then.” She shoves me out of the apartment, so she can get ready. “Don’t wear your hoodie,” I half-tease before she can close the door.
She stops and smiles. “Maybe I’ll wear something just for you.” And then she closes the door completely.
That was definitely not the thing to say to me. Because as I shower, change, and get ready myself, my imagination runs wild with all the different possibilities. Tonight could be good. Enjoyable, even. All I have to do is go and hopefully have fun with Olivia. I want that. For me and for her.
Of course, it doesn’t take me long before I’m all ready to go. Twenty minutes pass as I wait for Olivia’s text, saying that she’s ready too. I never pegged her for the girl to take forever, but then, I guess they all do.
Me: Hurry up before I change my mind.
Olivia: Don’t rush me. Texting only makes it take that much longer.
Me: Then speed things up.
Olivia: You sound like you’re ready. Like you really want to go, I mean.
Me: Only a little. I just wanna see you.
Olivia: I’m ready :)
I snatch my keys off the counter and lock my door on the way out, just as Olivia is exiting as well. When I turn, I’m slightly disappointed. While she’s not wearing a hoodie, I still have no idea what she’s really wearing thanks to a black coat. Stupid winter. It’s killing me. Her dark jeans, however, satisfy me for now as I run my gaze over her.
Olivia takes my hand and starts walking towards the parking lot. I steer us to my car because she isn’t driving. She has to tell me the name of the bar again since I wasn’t listening before. We’re about a twenty-minute drive from the place, so I reach for her hand, intertwining our fingers. I’m about to be surrounded by people, football players, Olivia’s friends. All I have to do is be, or pretend to be, normal for a few hours.
“Hey, thanks for coming with me, Corey.” I glance over at her for only a moment. I hate when she thanks me. “Just let me know when you’re ready to go, and we’ll leave, okay?”
“I’ll be ready whenever you are.” Oh, I hope I can last that long. It can’t be good if I already doubt myself, right?
When we get to the bar, I let Olivia lead the way. These are her friends, after all. There’s seven or eight of them crowded around a small table, half sitting on bar stools, half standing. Three girls are sitting and Ben gets up to let Olivia have his stool. She pushes her bangs back into place and tugs on my hand for me to step closer to the table, forcing me into their group between her and one of the girls.
“Guys, this is Corey.” She points to everyone as she introduces them. “Corey, that’s Ben, of course. And then Big Ed, Ricky, Quinton, Lisa, Vanessa, and my best friend, Chelsea.”
We exchange hellos. Based on how the guys are standing with the girls, very close next to them, Ben is the single in the group. Chelsea, the girl to my left, smiles at me. She’s not the same chick from that night at the club.
“It’s nice to finally meet you, Corey.” So, Olivia has talked about me to someone. What does she tell them? All I am is my secret that only she knows, but she wouldn’t tell anyone that. “I was beginning to think Olivia was making you up. She said you were pretty perfect and I mean, no one could really be as perfect for her as she said.”
With a grin, I look to Olivia. She thinks I’m perfect for her? We’ll worry about the how-in-the-hell part later.
“I never said that!” she objects.
“If you say so,” Chelsea laughs.
“What do you do, Corey? Besides be Liv’s neighbor?” Ben asks as Olivia shrugs out of her jacket. The action distracts me, especially when I see what was hiding from me. Her black and pale pink top hugs her everywhere it needs to, enunciating her hourglass figure and her breasts.
With a sly smile, she bumps her shoulder into me. “He asked you a question, Corey.”
Right. “I’m in grad school, but I took the semester off.” Sounds better than the truth, and he definitely doesn’t get to hear that.
“I swear you look like someone I know,” Big Ed speaks up from behind Lisa. He’s definitely a football player. There aren’t many guys I remember well, but I transferred to the rivaling school, so most of the players’ faces are familiar at least. They call him Big Ed for a reason. He’s huge and can tackle almost any player without putting too much effort into it.
Either I wait until he figures it out, or I admit it. I place my hand on Olivia’s lower back and she leans into me slightly. I can do this, right? They might not ask about it. I can say who I am, who I was, just like I did with the guy in line at the restaurant that day.
“I used to play for Salem University. Patrick and Jonathan Kennedy are my younger brothers.” There. I said all I have to say.
“I knew it!” Ben slams an open palm on the table. “I knew that’s who you had to be, but Liv wouldn’t ever say anything about you, to me at least.”
Big Ed grins. “We beat their asses this season,” he gloats.
“Are we seriously going to talk football?” Chelsea complains. “Not all of us care. Where is the waitress anyway? Olivia and Corey need a beer.” I think I might love Chelsea.
“Corey’s driving, so he gets water,” Olivia corrects.
The waitress eventually comes and Olivia gets pulled into conversation with the girls. The place gets even more crowded, so I move to stand behind her, my hands on her hips. Until the girls decide to go dance together, leaving me with the guys. She abandoned me with at least two other football players. I don’t recognize Ricky or Quinton.
“How long have you been seeing Olivia?” Ben asks.
Why is that any of his business? Is something going on between them that I don’t know about? Is that why she said it was easier to have him come to her house for tutoring? “I’ve seen her since she moved in.” That sort of answers his question. It’s technically how long I’ve been “seeing” her.
“No shit,” he deadpans. “I didn’t know
much about you until I found out you might be working with my dad.” His dad? Ben explains once he sees my confusion. “Olivia is my cousin. Dad told me she asked him if he had a job vacancy for a guy she knew with no experience, but could really use it. Lucky for you, he does and he would be willing to take you on.”
My eyes scan the dance floor until I find Olivia. Why couldn’t she have mentioned he’s her cousin? I wouldn’t have disliked him nearly as bad and I could have made a better impression.
“She didn’t tell me that,” I comment.
“Apparently, she hasn’t been telling a lot of people much of anything.” A small smile lifts the corners of my lips because that reminds me of myself. “About you,” he adds. “And I can’t decide if you’re a dick or not.”
Ricky laughs. “Yeah, I doubt Olivia would put up with someone’s shit. She can put someone back in their place faster than anyone I’ve ever seen.”
Quinton adds with a nod of his head towards Ben, “He should know, because she does it to him all the time.”
“What are y’all talking about?” Olivia asks, her body touching my side from where she’s standing so close.
“You,” I tell her. “And me. Ben thinks I’m a dick.”
Olivia smiles and looks at him. “He can be, but then, so can you. I came to tell you the girls want their boyfriends to dance with them.”
All three guys groan, but they get up to go find them. Ben dismisses himself for the bathroom and I have Olivia all to myself. Rotating on my stool, I grip her waist to place her between my knees as she rests her hands on my thighs.
“Do you want your seat back?” She shakes her head. “Why didn’t you tell me he’s your cousin?”
“Because he said you had already covered introductions. I figured he would have said so, or I would have told you.”
“So, tutoring him at your place is easier because he’s related to you?”
“No, because he lives nearby and he stops before he goes home.” She seems to think about something before her eyes light up and a slow smile begins to form. “Were you jealous of him? Did you think there was something going on between us? Is that why you said ‘Liv’ earlier?”
Nepenthe (Bracing for Love #2) Page 10
