by Dean, Ali
But I was sitting right here, and I hadn’t said “No” yet to Cruz. I was debating my next move, and whether it was worth it to embarrass Polly, who was a friendly acquaintance. I didn’t want to make an enemy, but there were times when it felt like I had one too many friendly acquaintances.
Cruz made the decision for me. “Hey Polly, I’m here with Hazel.” As he said this, he took her hand off his chest, and the deliberate movement loosened a tightness in my chest I hadn’t even realized was there.
Polly turned to me. “Oh, hi Hazel. How are tryouts going?”
“Good. Fine. You?”
“Yeah, totally good.” And then she turned back to Cruz, and the rubber band around my heart squeezed again. “So, Cruz. I heard we might be partying again at the Lake this weekend. You have my number, right? I’m free tonight.”
She started to move away but Cruz said, “Polly, I’m going out with Hazel tonight. We’re together.”
Polly stopped and looked between us, eyes widening as she did. “Oh! Ohhhh. Oh.”
Cruz nodded. “Yeah.”
I didn’t know what to do. Or say. We were together? Were we really? It seemed only a second ago we were on the precipice of breaking up before it went anywhere.
“This is big. I think we all knew you guys were, well, you know, special to each other. But no one really thought you were going to do anything about it. At least, most people didn’t think it would happen until college. You’re both going to Harvard, right?”
What? “Um, what?”
“Hazel hasn’t decided yet,” Cruz answered for me.
Polly frowned at me, confusion marring her pretty expression. But then she smiled. “So, I’m guessing this is recent news. Well, it’s going to break a few hearts, but I don’t mind being the one to drop the bomb.” With a little laugh she turned to leave.
Cruz was grinning at me when I turned my eyes to him.
“Just take me to school,” I said, suddenly exhausted. “I’m going to be late.”
* * *
I thought about asking Louise to go with me to the game tonight so that I didn’t have to go with Cruz, but I had a feeling he’d figure out a way to get tickets. Playing games with Cruz was the last thing I needed right now. We had enough of that going on without me doing a thing. I did want to avoid him though. At least until my head and heart were sorted out. He had me pegged. I did avoid shit when it made me feel too much.
Hell, it was avoiding the big decision about college and what it meant for my life choices that got me into this mess in the first place. Well, I told myself it was to help with that decision, but that wasn’t entirely true. And by mess I meant in with Cruz and the guys. Was it inevitable though? It felt like it might have been.
I was starting to see the last three years differently. I always thought the guys had been the ones to push me out, but maybe it had been the other way around.
After tryouts, I went to the weight room at school. It was open for the preseason athletes, but I hadn’t hit it up yet as part of my “break.” Yeah, I was still exhausted, but I wasn’t ready to go home. I’d stopped by to get my soccer gear this morning and found most everything back in its normal spot in the house, with the exception of a few items that were likely too damaged and needed to be replaced. Still, the place could be bugged and it weirded me out that strangers had been in there, touching our things.
The football team was already in the weight room, but I could still get a workout in. Besides, it’d be nice to have a spotter for a couple of sets. Around here, football wasn’t king, soccer was. They still got respect but soccer took the top spot. Hockey was second in the hierarchy. Football barely squeezed in before lacrosse, which was the off-season sport for some of the football and soccer players.
As I was scoping out which equipment was available, Hanna, Aida, and Shantal surrounded me.
“Is it true? You and Cruz Donovan?” Aida asked.
“Polly Tutino is telling everyone you two are a couple.”
“How long has this been going on?”
I wasn’t expecting to see any of my teammates in here and their sudden presence along with the firing of questions had me raising my hands defensively. “Whoa. Chill. No one’s on fire.”
“Hazel, why does the volleyball team have the inside scoop on this and we don’t?” Hanna asked.
“Um, are you guys here to interrogate me or lift weights? I could use a spotter for the bench press.”
They gave me blank stares and I shrugged, walking over to the bench and loading the bar with weights.
They followed me. “So, you and Cruz? You’re together?” Shantal pressed.
“I don’t know.” I lay back on the bench. “Aida, can you spot?”
She moved into position and I began my set. It gave me a reprieve from talking but didn’t stop the commentary.
“You know, it’s funny. It’s like everyone knew, without saying, that you and Cruz would happen,” Hanna said.
“It was only a matter of time,” Aida stated with conviction.
“He and the guys talk about you all the time. I mean I know the twins are your cousins, but it’s all of them,” Shantal said.
“And whenever one of Hazel’s boyfriends came up, Cruz would get all –” She must have made an expression because the other girls laughed. I finished the set and looked at them. I couldn’t decide if they were being dramatic and imagining shit because they were the kind of girls who did that, or if there was some truth to it. Polly had said something similar.
“I don’t get it. Why did everyone think we’d get together? Because we’re both into soccer?”
They all took on glazed expressions now.
“I think it might have been the way you look at each other,” Aida finally said with a thoughtful nod.
Okay, this was definitely the dramatic side coming out. “You guys are being ridiculous. We’ve both dated other people. Why would we do that if we were into each other all this time?” Even as I asked it I knew it wasn’t a fair question. I had been pining for him all these years, I just hadn’t known he had been on the same page.
Hanna waved a hand dismissively. “Oh come on, Hazel, you know you weren’t really into any of your ex-boyfriends. And Cruz?” she scoffed. “He never really dated anyone.”
I thought back to all the girls he’d brought to homecoming, prom, and the ones I’d heard about him hooking up with at parties over the years. “He didn’t exactly have girlfriends, but there were girls.” I’d forgotten about my workout as I tried to solve at least one of the puzzles in my life. No, this wasn’t a puzzle. It was a single piece to one hell of a big puzzle. I didn’t even have the edges done.
“Nope. An hour of Cruz’s time was basically the max he gave anyone.”
My eyes darted to Shantal, who’d said this with confidence. “I can’t tell if you’re kidding right now.” I really couldn’t.
“Oh, I’m serious. You know he’s not the type to fake interest and he was never interested for long. Girls are lucky to capture his attention for a make-out session but that’s about it.”
Yeah, this conversation was going sideways real fast. Why had I engaged again? I couldn’t remember.
“Hey ladies,” Landon greeted us as he came over, joined by his co-captain Gavin. “Where we partying tonight? I heard the Lake might be happening again.”
The girls all looked at me like I would know.
Gavin asked, “Hazel, what’s going on with you and Cruz? I saw you on his bike last night.”
Groaning, I leaned back for another set of chest presses.
Aida took position again, but not before answering for me, “She’s being evasive. But they’re together.”
These people.
Chapter Thirteen
“Sometimes, Hazel, you’re the most intimidating person I know.”
I glared at Cruz in the seat beside me and he blinked at me innocently before biting into a hot dog. We were at the game together. I’d forgotten I needed a ri
de home from the school earlier, and had to catch a ride with my teammates, who were more than happy to get extra time to grill me about Cruz. I couldn’t decide if their invasive opinions about me and Cruz were worse than their usual commentary and questions about my dad.
Dad was home, too, and I’d tried to ignore him. I had to go into the kitchen for food at one point, and he’d camped out at the center island. He was rarely away from his office downstairs that housed multiple computer screens, but he’d moved his laptop to the kitchen. This was Dad’s way of being more accessible to me, in case I wanted to talk. But I didn’t want to talk. Nope. Not at all. I’d had enough talking to last… well, to last a few days, minimum.
Dad didn’t push, but he hadn’t hidden his hurt when I’d left for the night with Cruz. What did he expect, though? The house was likely bugged, so I wasn’t about to initiate a heart to heart at the kitchen counter.
I wasn’t going to respond to Cruz’s statement now. “I’m done talking for the day about anything other than food or soccer. No more cryptic statements or psychoanalyzing.” It was time to make my own demands.
“Fine. What about hand-holding? Is that allowed?”
I side-eyed him. “If you’re good.”
He burst out laughing at that. “You still do that shit?”
I hadn’t used that line in a while, actually. The other guys used to ask me to do things for them, like set them up with a girl on my team, put in a good word, invite so-and-so to the beach and try to get her to wear a certain bikini. I’d tell them they had to “be good,” which basically meant they had to kiss my ass an appropriate amount in line with the level of effort required for the favor requested.
Cruz wiped his eye. “Shit Hazel, I’ve missed you.”
I punched him in the shoulder. “Cruz, that’s not being good. I just said no talking unless it’s about food or soccer.”
“Okay, okay. Damn, woman, I forgot how feisty you can be.” I almost punched him again. “Right. You want something to eat? Or maybe a beer. I think you could use a beer.”
“I’m not going to drink in the stands at UMass, Cruz. I’m trying to get a soccer scholarship here. I can’t afford to mess around.”
Cruz’s mouth flattened into a hard line. He wanted to say something but instead held it back. If he tried to talk to me about colleges right now I’d definitely punch him. In the nose.
“You can get me popcorn.”
“Will that get me a pass to hold your hand?” he asked, and I relaxed at his playfulness.
I decided to reward him. I leaned over and whispered. “It will get you more than that. I might even let you kiss me.”
He groaned and tilted his head back before standing up and hurrying down the steps. I laughed and shook my head.
As my eyes returned to the field, watching the teams warm up, I considered the women. I knew that some of them were only a year older than me but on the whole, these athletes were huge compared to high school players. There were a few lanky ones, a couple shorter players, but each one was sturdy, muscular, strong. Every single player on the field was a true athlete, mentally and physically. The women who went to the top Division I programs like UMass Thatcher or UConn lived and breathed soccer. Just like me. Or, just like I had been until recently.
I knew there would still be drama on any college team, but instead of revolving around guys, gossip, and parties, it would be about the game, the team dynamics, differing opinions on what it took to be the best. Power struggles were sure to emerge when every woman on the team was used to being the best but couldn’t hold that spot anymore. Not when everyone on the team was the best in their own right. Every player brought something unique and special. Talent honed by years of sacrifice and training. That was what it would be like at UMass.
Did I want to be a part of that? A year ago, I might have said hell yes. Now it felt short-sighted. Nothing had changed, not really. But it’d become harder to ignore the loneliness, the isolation.
Cruz returned with popcorn and puppy dog eyes. I decided to make him wait, wanting him to keep being on his best behavior and not bring up anything I didn’t want to talk about. We held hands throughout the game, and he wrapped me in his arms during the second half, but he didn’t get a kiss until we were back at his bike.
The kiss was tender and sweet. He didn’t press his body into mine like he had on the couch at my house last night. Was that really only yesterday? Cruz’s hand gripped my hip in a way that could only be described as possessive. It was hot and made me want to wrap a leg around his waist. But we were in a parking lot. And his other hand was a contradiction. It was holding my cheek, his thumb brushing the skin just below my eyelid.
Right as I went to deepen the kiss, he pulled back. “I’ll be good. For now. But there’s so much I want to say to you. It’s not going to last long. Especially if you keep touching me.” It was a warning, and it sent a thrill through me. It was only heightened when my body molded to his on the bike.
He slowed when we got into town, and stopped a street away from my house. He turned partway so his face was inches from mine. “The guys are at the Lake, but it’s turned into a party. I’m heading there now.”
My throat tightened. Why was he telling me this? “You don’t want me to come.”
He lifted a hand and traced my bottom lip with his index finger. I watched his Adam’s apple move as he swallowed. “Oh Hazel, you have no idea how hot you make me. If you come with me, I can’t promise to be good. And I’m not just referring to the things I want to say to you.”
My entire body vibrated at his words. “Why did you stop here?” I wondered, looking around.
“I wasn’t sure where I was taking you. Home or your grandparents’?”
“Home,” I said on a long sigh. As much as I wanted to avoid my dad, I couldn’t bring myself to hurt him. I knew staying with my grandparents again would do just that.
“God, Hazel, I want you so badly sometimes it hurts.”
My eyes widened at his words and a gasp escaped. I’d been thinking about Dad, and Cruz had been thinking about… other things.
“Hurts where?” I wasn’t teasing. I wanted to know if it was in his heart and stomach, like it was for me.
Cruz knew what I meant. “Everywhere,” he whispered.
“Even when I intimidate you?”
He nodded, his expression solemn. “Yes. Especially then.”
I bit my lip, trying and failing not to smile. “You better take me home before you do something bad.”
* * *
Saturday was a series of short scrimmages, the last day of tryouts. The teams would be announced online on Sunday and we’d have the day off; preseason practices would start on Monday, and school would start Thursday. Last year was the first time the coaches asked for my opinion on certain players, and they’d been doing it all week. I hated that I had a role in making cuts, deciding people’s fate, especially when it meant cutting a player I liked better than another just because she wasn’t as good.
Sure, sometimes personality came into it when the ability level was close, but there was only so much wiggle room there. Most of the time, the girls on the field had a pretty good sense of who was better than whom. We couldn’t base the decision too much off of team dynamics or perceived potential to improve or there would be a revolt. I wasn’t even kidding.
I imagined soccer in Defiance Falls was like football and cheerleading in Texas. As soon as we could walk, we started playing pee wee soccer. If you showed promise, you were put on the best teams and traveled around the country to compete. Our school had won state the past three years, and being on our varsity team was like having a permanent badge of respect. Whether you made it in college soccer or not, saying you played varsity soccer at Defiance Falls High gave you serious street cred in these parts.
All that said, the scrimmages at tryouts on Saturday were tense as hell. By the time it wrapped up, I needed an escape. I had never acknowledged the sentiment – this desire to get aw
ay from whatever was stressing me out – but with Cruz calling me out yesterday, I saw it for what it was. As I scrolled through my text messages and responded to one from Meg Stonecipher, my skin began to itch. I wanted to tell myself it was just from the heat of the day, but I knew it was something else.
Meg was one of my hippie friends who had reached out a few times over the summer. Just as I wasn’t solely an athlete she wasn’t only a hippie, but she did have dreadlocks, a life-sized poster of Bob Marley in her bedroom, and practiced yoga every day. She also played the ukulele and loved going to concerts.
She had an extra ticket to Heritage Music Fest today, and was already on her way there with her squad. It was just what I needed. Meg and her squad were my friends. I’d hung out with this group a couple times this summer at the community pool, and this would be fun. So why did the itchy skin sensation feel suspiciously like guilt?
I wasn’t doing anything wrong. I didn’t owe the guys in my life anything special now that… what? They’d let me back in, but only partway. So nope, I wasn’t going to ask anyone’s permission. This was me. Doing my thing. They didn’t own me.
Chapter Fourteen
“You don’t care that Kai’s here, right?” Meg asked.
We were sitting in the grass on a hill overlooking one of the stages. I’d showered and changed and by the time I arrived, the group was already high. It was what I expected, why I’d taken Meg up on the offer to hang out with her group. I needed the opposite of uptight, stressed-out athletes.
“Kai’s here?” I hadn’t seen Kai Tillson in a long while. Months, at least.
“Yeah, his band’s playing on the north stage at seven.”
“No way! Good for him.”
Meg took a sip of beer and laughed. “Maybe it should have been him I asked about being okay with you here,” she teased.
Kai and I went out for almost 6 months right after I turned sixteen and was officially allowed to date. He was almost two years older, a senior when I was a sophomore. He was a sensitive soul type and when I’d broken up with him, he’d cried. I felt bad, I truly did, but he was graduating and really, it surprised me he wanted to stay with someone who had two more years of high school left.
