by Dean, Ali
The bell rang again as I bit out a curse. People lingered in the hallway though, watching us. As I made my way to my next class, there was already a change inside me. All I’d needed was a little contact with her, a touch, a look, some anger. It wasn’t how I wanted her, but the reminder that I affected her just as she did me was the jolt of adrenaline I craved. It infused me with confidence, made me feel near invincible.
I had to wait through two more classes before I saw Hazel again. But when I got to our usual table at the cafeteria, it was the four guys and no Hazel. This had been our table last year, and it didn’t feel right anymore without her.
“Where is she?” I asked. I remained standing, looking around the cafeteria for her.
“I was just in class with her. She said she had a meeting with her coach.” Spike didn’t hide the suspicion in his voice.
My eyes shot to his. “Did she say what it was about?”
“She said colleges,” he answered, doubt filling his voice.
“Guys, come on, Hazel wouldn’t do that.” Emmett lowered his voice. “We just decided on this yesterday and she was cool with it.”
“One of us was with her all morning in one of her classes, right?” Moody asked, then looked behind him before adding, “Kylie wouldn’t have gotten to her.”
Bodhi let out a snort. “Hazel’s avoiding Cruz. Maybe she really does need to talk to her coach about colleges, and decided this was a good excuse to get out of seeing him at lunch.”
“Really?” Emmett asked. “Hazel’s toying with Cruz right now? That doesn’t seem like her.”
“Yeah, she usually handles shit straight on,” Spike voiced his opinion.
“It’s actually pretty smart,” Moody said with a little admiration. “She’s giving him a taste of his own medicine.”
“Guys. I’m right here,” I nearly growled. “You can stop analyzing our relationship like little bitches.”
They all stared at me. Spike looked offended I’d called him out on acting like a little bitch. Bodhi appeared smug, either for thinking he had it figured out or because he thought it was cute the two of us were fighting, I wasn’t sure. Is that what we were doing, fighting?
“What are you waiting for?” Emmett asked. “Go find her.”
He didn’t have to tell me twice. I was being a hypocrite. I’d been the one acting like a little bitch and it was time to grow some balls. Hazel had been right. If I wanted to call people out for being weak, it was time to dig deep and find my own strength.
Chapter 19
Hazel
My coach had been trying to set up a meeting with me since school started. She’d been fielding calls from colleges hoping to recruit me, and needed to know where I stood. Coach hadn’t been expecting me today, but the meeting hadn’t taken long anyway. I’d made my decision, and by telling her, I’d solidified it.
Coach had another meeting that was actually on her schedule so I wasn’t able to pass the entire lunch break in her office like I’d planned. There was a light drizzle outside, and I decided that was the perfect place to escape. No one else would be out there.
It was more like a misting than a real rain, and it felt good on my skin. Fall would be here soon, and it was my favorite season. Sitting on the front steps, I leaned back, using my backpack as a pillow, and closed my eyes. I’d barely slept last night and I was exhausted.
I must have dozed for a minute because a tapping on my foot had my eyes fluttering open. “Hey Hazel.”
I started to sit up and then remembered my backpack was weighing me down. Isaiah offered me a hand, pulling me to my feet.
“It’s still lunch period, right? I think I passed out.”
He laughed, and I still had to look up at him even though he was two steps below. Isaiah must have been the tallest guy in school. “Yeah, but the bell should ring any minute, I was just on my way back from getting food.”
“Good thing or I would’ve slept right through,” I admitted with a chuckle, pulling my hand away when I realized he was still holding it.
“You can pass out in the back of my car if you really need a nap. Probably more comfortable than these stairs.”
“Nah, I’m good.” I stretched before turning to head back inside.
“You need a ride after practice again today?” he asked.
Before I could answer, I nearly bumped into someone on the stair behind me. “Whoa.” My hands went to the chest in front of me to brace myself and I instantly recognized the body. “Cruz? What are you doing out here?” All of a sudden I was breathless, and I nearly rolled my eyes at my reaction. One night without him and I was dizzy from his sudden appearance
Cruz, however, was not so taken by my nearness. He wasn’t even looking at me. No, his eyes were zeroed in on Isaiah. “Are you going to answer him, Hazel?”
I frowned as he directed the question at me while refusing to meet my eyes. Seriously? I thought we’d been through this already. The hand I had on his chest pushed him, but he didn’t budge. This was getting embarrassing. For all of us.
I whipped around, hoping my backpack would knock him out of the way. It didn’t, but it did give me a chance to shoot an apologetic smile at Isaiah. “I drove myself to school today so I’m all set. Thanks for the offer.”
Isaiah spun his keys on his finger, looked between us, and nodded. “Okay cool.” With faked nonchalance, he went up the steps and into school just as the bell rang, giving us a wide berth.
I tried to shove past Cruz again but his arm came out and pulled me into his chest. “Hazel.” My body melted at the way he said my name, harsh but vulnerable.
I knew he could feel my reaction to him, but that was only my body he had power over right now. The rest of me wasn’t letting him get away with this shit.
“You got a ride with Isaiah Cross on Friday after practice, didn’t you?”
I tried throwing a hand up but I was practically flush against him at this point, and there was no space for my hand gestures to show him how pissed I was. Words would have to do. “Oh, is that not allowed? He’s not a Malone, Cruz. Isaiah’s no enemy. Stop acting like such a tool.”
His eyebrows shot up. “A tool? Really, Hazel? He was holding your hand when I came out here. Why were the two of you even out here alone anyway?”
This is where he wanted to go with this? “You can’t be serious right now.”
“Hazel, I couldn’t find you. Again. When I finally do, you’re holding hands with the school’s star basketball player. He thinks he has a chance with you. He’s waiting for an opening. You taking a ride with him was that opening. That’s how guys’ minds work.”
“Then guys are idiots. That, or you’re just acting like one right now. I thought you were smarter than this. Better than this.”
“Than what?” Cruz shook his head. “I’m not going to let some guy hit on you. We’re together, Hazel. He wants you. Giving you a ride home, just the two of you? It’s why he thought he could dance with you on Saturday.”
Our noses were practically touching as we both took harsh breaths. His grip remained tight on mine.
“You’re being ridiculous, and this has nothing to do with Isaiah,” I told him. “He wasn’t hitting on me and I wasn’t leading him on. You’re doing it again, Cruz. Acting jealous when it’s really not about that at all.”
“No Hazel, you’re smarter than that. Don’t put this on me. Don’t turn this around.”
“Are you calling me stupid?”
“No, I just said you’re smarter than your actions recently.”
I tried pulling away from him and this time he let me.
The bell rang again, letting us know we’d be late for class.
“For the record, you called me stupid first,” he said.
I bit my lip to keep from smiling. In my snottiest voice, I lifted my chin and retorted, “Did not.”
“Fine. But you implied it.”
My smile cracked through then. He smiled back. Why was this kind of fun? “This is stra
ngely therapeutic. I feel rejuvenated.”
Cruz rolled his shoulders back. “Me too.” He watched me warily. “If I hadn’t already missed so much school I’d say we should skip and have make-up sex.”
“Oh, I don’t think so, buddy. We haven’t made up. This isn’t even close to over.”
Cruz rolled his lips together. “Angry sex then? We haven’t done that yet.”
“Oh my God.” But I was laughing when I successfully shoved past him this time.
* * *
I decided to hit the weight room after practice. I might be taking a break from extra training, but it’d been a while since I’d had a good lifting session. Besides, I’d missed nearly a week of practices and had some making up to do.
I was a terrible slacker. After Cruz ditched me Sunday, I spent the afternoon studying. Now that I’d taken a closer look at all the assignments, I wanted to get back to it tonight too. There was some comfort in going back to my old ways. There was nothing wrong with hard work, right?
The school’s gym was practically empty by the time I finished up. My muscles were burning and that was satisfying. Not as satisfying as another feeling, like the one I’d had in the tree fort a few days ago… no, I wasn’t going there.
“Finally calling it quits?” Bodhi’s voice pulled me from my wayward thoughts.
I looked up. He was leaning against the walls, arms crossed.
“Oh, hey. You weren’t waiting on me, were you?”
“Hazel, we might have things under wraps, but we still aren’t exactly in the clear.” There was an edge in his tone that wasn’t typical with Bodhi.
“So, you’ve been waiting here all this time?”
He lifted his chin. “I could’ve gone in to lift with you. But I actually worked on my Harvard application out here instead. You seemed like you needed space.”
I was about to deny it but he pushed off the wall, interrupting me. “I get it. All of us need it sometimes.”
Emmett was the big hugger but I stepped up to Bodhi then and put my arms around my cousin. “Thanks for waiting,” I told him.
Bodhi wrapped his arms around me and didn’t let me go for a few seconds. We walked down the empty hallway in silence and when he held the door open for me I snapped out of my own head to look at him. He was subdued, and that wasn’t my Bodhi.
“You okay? What’s going on?”
Bodhi lifted his eyes to mine. “Huh?”
“You’re like, all quiet and mellow. It’s weird.”
He chuckled. “I’m fine, Haze.”
“Hmmm.” I shot him a skeptical look.
He threw his hands up. “I’m not keeping shit from you, Hazel, don’t give me that look.”
Part of me wanted to hound him. Secrets were so uncool. Especially now. But another part of me just wanted to try pretending my life was normal again, that I could go back to my old routine. Still, I had to ask about Cruz.
“Where’s Cruz?”
Bodhi stopped in front of my pickup. He leaned against the passenger door and crossed his arms. “Why? I thought you two were fighting or some shit.” His expression danced between amusement and something else. Annoyance? Frustration?
“Something like that,” I mumbled before rounding to the driver’s side. “I’m giving you a ride, right?” He and Emmett sometimes shared their parents’ old station wagon, but it was on its last leg.
I hopped in the driver’s seat and Bodhi played with the radio as I backed out of the near-empty parking lot.
“You never answered my question, Bodhi. Where’s Cruz at? Do you know?”
Bodhi sighed. “He came to watch practice for a bit, then went to Mitch’s house.”
Oh. That was good. I didn’t want him sitting alone at the Spot while the rest of us were playing soccer. He was spending time with his dad then, and I should be happy about that. I was happy about it, wasn’t I?
“Haze, what’s up with you two?”
“It’s nothing, Bodhi.”
“Really?” He was heavy on the sarcasm but he also sounded kind of pissed.
My fingers gripped the steering wheel. “Look, not everything between me and Cruz is everyone else’s business,” I said, maybe too harshly. I was hungry, and tired, and not even sure why I was so pissed off at Cruz anymore.
“No, not everyone’s. But we’re all close, Haze, you know that. And this might all be swinging in our favor right now, but we’re still in the middle of a clusterfuck.”
My hand hit the steering wheel as frustration boiled in my chest. “Bodhi, this is about my relationship with Cruz, it’s not about the Malones.”
“Fine, whatever. I’m just trying to help. I’m your cousin, one of your best friends, and one of his too.”
We drove in silence for a few minutes before I turned onto his parents’ street. I didn’t want to drop him off like this. “I’m sorry Bodhi, okay? I haven’t really talked to Cruz even about all this.”
I parked in the drive and Bodhi gripped the door handle. He turned back to me. “Well talk to him then, what are you waiting for?”
“Why are you being so pushy?” I shot back, annoyed with his tone.
“Because, you finally get to be together after all this time! And now you’re playing games, avoiding him, whatever. It’s dumb.”
“Oh, so we can’t have problems now that we’re together? Is that it?” We were inches apart, but we were practically yelling at each other. “You’ve never even had a girlfriend, Bodhi, so how can you say that?”
“I’ve never had a girlfriend, Hazel, because the only girl I want to be with can’t be with me. Ever.”
He said it with finality and silence filled the car. My shoulders slumped and the anger left me. So that’s what this was about.
“Can’t you though? Be with her, now?”
“Hell no. The Malones might not be invincible anymore, but they can still order a hit from prison. Sure security will be higher now that they tried it once, but how could I be with her knowing I’m putting her at risk?”
We’d discussed this just yesterday. We knew the chances of the Malones doing something like that now were close to zero.
Bodhi must have read the question in my expression because he continued, “This all just happened. If they catch wind that Ruby’s with me they’ll immediately suspect she was helping us. She only broke up with Neil a few days ago.”
“In the hospital?”
“Yeah.” Bodhi glanced out the window. “I’ve got my own reasons to be pissed at Cruz. If he was going to go the fists route, it was me who deserved to take out Neil, not him. He knows how badly I’ve wanted that.”
“What an asshole,” I deadpanned.
Bodhi scoffed and shook his head. “I’m outta here. You’re going straight home, right?”
Bodhi opened the door but I put on a hand on his shoulder, stopping him. “Bodhi, just give it a little time. After some time passes, you can be with her.”
“I’m not going to risk her life for a shot with her, Haze. Besides,” he added as he stepped out of the car, turning around and walking backwards, “you two are finally together and look at you.” He slammed the door shut before I had a chance to respond.
Chapter 20
Cruz
“You didn’t head to the Spot or meet up with Hazel or the guys tonight.” Gramps’s voice came from behind me. I grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge before shutting it, and turned to face him.
“Dad was having a rough night. I didn’t want to leave.” It was now Wednesday, the fourth night in a row I hadn’t hung out with the group. Or Hazel.
Gramps didn’t answer straight away. He took a seat at a counter stool. “You staying here tonight?”
It was ten PM and I was wearing nothing but sweatpants. “Yeah, Gramps. I’m here for the night.” I didn’t need a babysitter sleeping with me anymore. I’d felt myself for several days now, no headaches or sudden fatigue.
Gramps just sat there watching me as I took a sip of water. He had s
omething on his mind and I waited, knowing he’d hit me with it eventually.
Placing my hands on the counter, I leaned forward, finally breaking the silence myself. “Dad seems to have forgotten about talking to Seamus. So, that’s a good thing at least.”
Mitch nodded. “It is.” He clasped his hands in front of him. “I don’t know how many days like Thursday or Friday we have left with him, Cruz. Today was…” His voice broke and he looked down at his hands, unable to finish.
“It was the worst yet,” I finished plainly. He hadn’t yelled at us, but he’d had trouble forming words and sentences. Seeing him that helpless broke my heart more than when he’d verbally attacked me at the hospital last week.
Gramps eyes came back up to mine but he couldn’t hold them. He closed them before reopening. “It was. And you weren’t here earlier. He took a nap and woke up a little better. This morning, he… well, he didn’t know who I was.” That had already happened to Gramps, so I knew there was more, but I wouldn’t force him to tell me.
“I saw the Depends, Gramps,” I said softly. Dad was wearing adult diapers now, and if that was hard for me to see, I couldn’t imagine what it was like for his own father.
“We’re going to need to move him to a facility soon, Cruz. It’s getting more difficult to take care of him here.”
I pushed off the counter, unable to hold still or look at my grandfather breaking down in front of me. He rarely spoke to me about these things. Outside of Uncle Cliff, there wasn’t really anyone else to confide in. Besides, it was time I manned up and faced what was happening.
“Cruz.” I stopped pacing, recognizing that tone. There was something else he wanted to talk to me about, and it wasn’t Dad.
“Yeah?”
“I’m glad you’re here. I’m glad you’re spending time with your dad. He is too, even when he can’t say so. But he also wouldn’t want you to use what’s happening to him to hide from something else.”
My hands went to my hips at the same time my brow furrowed. “What are you talking about?”
