He smiled. “That’s good.”
Someone must’ve heard us, because the curtain suddenly slid open. Mariah stood at the foot of the bed, blocking my view of Bree. She turned around, took one look at me, and pulled me to her. I got my first glimpse of my best friend over her stepmother’s shoulder.
A tube was down her throat, taped to her face to hold it in place. And a loud machine positioned next to the bed simulated the in-and-out sound of breathing. Her skin was so pale, and she looked so tiny and young. My chest hurt so badly.
Mariah released me, and I looked over at Bree’s dad and Tobias. Neither one of them seemed to be paying any attention to me. They were too busy staring over my shoulder.
“Oh, I’m sorry. This is…”
“Hollis,” Bree’s dad interrupted.
I looked between them, confused. “How did you know his name?”
It felt like there was some sort of staring contest going on that I wasn’t part of. Everyone seemed to have their attention fixed on the man behind me. Yet they all said nothing.
I turned to Hollis.
He was staring wide-eyed at my friend lying in the bed.
“Hollis?”
He ignored me.
“Hollis?”
I knew she didn’t look good, but Hollis looked like he’d seen a ghost. Maybe it was too much, asking him to come see her like this. His mom had probably been in the ICU, too.
I touched his shoulder. “Are you…okay?”
He shook his head. “What the hell is going on?”
“What are you talking about? This is my friend Bree.”
He turned and stared at me. “You mean Anna.”
Anna.
Anna?
It took several seconds to even begin to register what he was talking about.
My heart beat faster and faster as I slowly pieced this together.
He’d just called Bree…Anna.
My eyes widened. Brianna was Bree’s full name. But it couldn’t be…
Bree is Anna? Hollis’s ex, the one who’d broken his heart?
My Bree?
I took one look at his face, and there was no more questioning it.
Bree is Anna.
The room seemed to sway, and a feeling of unreality overtook my body. This made no sense, and even though there was no longer any doubt, I needed him to confirm it.
“Hollis? Bree is your ex-girlfriend, Anna?”
Unable to take his eyes off her, he nodded.
My ex-husband interjected, “What the hell is going on?”
There was no easy way to say it. “Hollis is my boyfriend. I had no idea he ever knew Bree. He’d always referred to his ex as Anna, and I don’t think of Bree as Brianna. I didn’t know anyone called her Anna.”
Bree’s father closed his eyes and began to shake his head.
Mariah’s eyes were wide. “Well…that’s quite a coincidence.”
“Only a few people called her Anna when she was younger. That’s what her grandmother called her,” Richard said. “She stopped going by it as she got older. She preferred Bree. But she was always my Anna growing up.”
Tobias gave Hollis a dirty look before announcing to Richard, “I need to get some air.”
After Tobias left, I breathed out a small sigh of relief. His presence only made a bad situation worse.
Hollis still wasn’t saying anything. The room was eerily quiet aside from the sound of the machines keeping Bree alive.
Suddenly, he walked over to her bed and pulled a chair up next to her. The rest of us watched Hollis stare down at her incredulously. He placed his hands on his head and pulled at his hair as he continued to take her in. Then, as if a switch flipped, he got up out of his seat and swiftly exited the room.
“Excuse me,” I said as I rushed after him.
Hollis escaped down the hall, finally stopping at a water bubbler. With both hands, he leaned against it, breathing in and out as if he were about to hyperventilate.
He finally looked over at me. And as our eyes met for the first time since this nightmare began, neither of us had words.
There simply were none.
Chapter 40
* * *
Hollis
I finally forced the words out. “I don’t understand. Make me understand, Elodie.”
She shook her head. “I don’t understand, either. I really don’t.”
“You didn’t know about this?”
Her expression went from concerned to angry. “What, you think I tricked you or something? Of course I didn’t know!”
I immediately regretted my assertion. This was so damn confusing. “I didn’t mean to imply you were being deceptive. I just don’t understand how we could not have known this. She’s your best friend.”
Elodie kept shaking her head. “She’s never once mentioned you to me, Hollis. I knew she’d experienced heartbreak several years ago. She alluded to an ex-boyfriend. Honestly, I don’t know if that was you or someone else, but I swear to you, Hollis, she never once mentioned your name or said a thing when I mentioned you, either.”
Taking a deep breath in, I tried to find my bearings. Every second we wasted out here trying to figure this mystery out, Anna was in there fighting for her life. I didn’t care how badly she’d hurt me or how jarring this revelation was—none of it mattered right now.
She’s dying.
Anna was dying.
What did matter was that Anna be surrounded by those she loved in what could be her final hours. I didn’t know whether she’d ever really loved me, but a part of me would always love her. That’s why I’d been so devastated all these years. Up until Elodie, Anna had been the love of my life.
I snapped myself out of my thoughts. “We need to get back in there.”
Elodie wiped her eyes. “Yeah. Let’s go.”
Entering that room a second time was no easier, no less shocking. Anna had always been small, but she looked exceptionally frail and fragile, though with the same beautiful face I’d always remembered. Seeing that tube down her throat physically hurt me, especially knowing it was against her wishes.
You’re so brave, Anna.
My instinct was to try to save her, to do something, but it was clear there was nothing any of us could do right now except pray. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d asked God for help. Honestly, after my mother died, I’d lost faith that anyone out there was listening to my prayers. This was the first and only time since then that I’d felt compelled to beg for mercy.
Please don’t let her suffer like this.
Memories of Anna flashed through my mind. She’d been my rock at the worst of times during my mother’s illness. That was what always stuck out. No matter how things ended between us, I’d never forgotten that or stopped appreciating it. Seeing her in this state was the worst kind of deja vu. It felt like the cruelest of life’s jokes.
Richard must have noticed the continued horror on my face because he took me aside.
“Hollis, son, I know how much Brianna meant to you. I’m sorry you had to find out like this.”
God, if this was difficult for me, I could only imagine how he felt. Anna was always a daddy’s girl.
I asked a dumb question. “How are you possibly handling this?”
“Well, you know….” He hesitated and his eyes filled with tears. His voice trembled. “She’s my little girl.”
“Yeah,” I whispered.
I wasn’t the type of guy who easily embraced another man, but in that moment I didn’t hesitate to wrap my arms around Richard. Fuck, we were consoling each other. Richard always used to make me feel like I wasn’t good enough for his daughter. I eventually realized it wasn’t a reflection on me, but more of how much he loved her and felt she deserved the absolute best. I’d just begun to earn his trust when Anna suddenly ended things with me.
After we let each other go, my eyes returned to Anna.
I’d had so much anger in my heart toward her over the years. But in this momen
t, all I wanted was a miracle. She was a damn good person who didn’t deserve this fate. In my heart, I knew the situation was dire and expecting a miracle was a long shot. But I couldn’t give up hope.
I looked over at Elodie, and my pain magnified. I was supposed to be holding her hand through all of this but could hardly sustain myself. I only hoped she would understand.
Richard walked to the door. “I’m gonna get some water.”
Needing another breather, I said, “I’ll go with you.”
As we walked down the hall together, I asked, “Do you remember how long after our breakup she was diagnosed?”
Richard blinked. “I don’t, Hollis. But it probably wasn’t long. Even after she discovered she had this disease, she was absolutely fine for a long time. Things really only got bad the past few years.”
“What happened to the guy she was with?”
The one she left me for…
He blinked as if to try to remember. “It didn’t last,” he said.
She’d devastated me for a relationship that didn’t even last? Did he leave her when he found out about her illness? And how long had Richard himself been married? Anna’s mother had died when she was a baby, but he hadn’t had a girlfriend that I knew of. And he just happened to marry a woman whose son Elodie married? I had so many questions, but this wasn’t the time to ask them. I’d asked enough for now.
Richard drank from the water fountain. I placed my hand on his shoulder as we walked back to the room.
Upon my return, Elodie’s eyes met mine, and the sadness in them was palpable. I was sure she could see the same feeling in mine. We held each other, despite the awkwardness of Richard and Mariah watching us. Elodie burst into tears in my arms. As much as I might have needed to, I couldn’t cry. Still stifled by my shock and confusion, the build-up of emotions inside of me wouldn’t come out.
A doctor finally came in to talk to Richard.
“The next twenty-four hours are going to be critical,” he said. “I really wish I could tell you one way or the other how things are going to go, but we just don’t know. Right now, she’s completely reliant on the machines. We’ll test the waters tomorrow to see if she can breathe on her own. But we’re not going to try anything tonight.”
“What would you say the chances are of a full recovery?” Richard asked.
The doctor’s face was grim. “It doesn’t look likely. Given your understanding of her disease and the prognosis, I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know. That doesn’t make this any easier. I know that. I’m so sorry.”
It was incomprehensible that Anna could die so young, that her father would have to say goodbye. It was painful enough losing a parent. I couldn’t imagine losing a child. I chose to focus on what losing Anna meant to Richard because I couldn’t even fathom what it meant to me. I hadn’t spoken to her in years, but she was never far from my mind. She was the person who’d impacted my life the most.
And yet I’d had no idea what she’d been going through all these years. If I had, my attitude toward her certainly would have been different. I’d been filled with such disdain for her; meanwhile, she’d apparently been suffering the majority of the time.
The sun was starting to come up by the time Elodie and I left, vowing to return in a few hours.
Tense silence filled the air during our ride home. We were both too exhausted and distraught to talk. But at one point, I needed to ask her a question, even though I knew she didn’t have the answer.
“How did she not say anything to you when you’ve been talking about me to her?”
“I don’t know, Hollis. I’ve mentioned your name numerous times. Is it possible she thought it was a coincidence and never considered that you were the same Hollis?”
I shook my head. “I can’t imagine she wouldn’t have at least questioned it. My name is not a common one, and she knew my niece’s name. We were together when my half-brother’s girlfriend gave birth, though I don’t think the two of them ever met. None of this is making any sense.”
And it doesn’t look likely that we’ll get the chance to ask her.
Elodie noticed I was driving toward Connecticut. “Where are you going? You’re taking me home?”
I hadn’t realized I was taking her home and not back to the city with me. But the truth was, I needed to be alone tonight. I wanted to be there for her. I really did. I wanted to be a better and stronger man than this, but I just couldn’t.
“I need to be alone tonight. I hope you can understand that.”
“I’m not sure I do, Hollis. I think we need to lean on each other right now, not push each other away.”
She was right. But I needed to process this without having to worry about how my feelings might impact her. Maybe that was selfish. But I couldn’t be around anyone right now, not even her.
As I pulled up to her house, I shook my head. “I’m sorry. I know I’m not handling this very well. Maybe this will sink in at some point. I’m just not there yet.”
After a moment, she seemed to soften. “I’m sorry for making you feel bad about it. I understand.”
Elodie said nothing further before she got out of the car. I waited until she was safely inside before taking off.
Exhausted, I had every intention of going back to the city to get some much-needed sleep. But after seeing a sign on the side of the road, that wasn’t where I ended up.
Chapter 41
* * *
Elodie
It was almost dawn, and I hadn’t slept a wink. I’d been sitting up on my couch and staring into space, trying to make sense of this. Wracking my brain, I’d ruminated over all my communications with Bree about Hollis. I was desperate to figure out whether she knew my Hollis was her Hollis.
The pain in his eyes tonight was something I wouldn’t soon forget. It was clear that a part of him still loved her. And I wasn’t going to lie and say that knowledge didn’t have a profound impact on me. Then again, I loved her. So much. So how could I blame him?
Anna had left Hollis for another man. Bree always referred to the love she lost. Was that the other man? Or was it Hollis? She never wanted to talk about it.
Was it possible she’d figured out the truth about who I’d fallen in love with and felt badly for having hurt him, so she never said anything to me? Maybe she wanted to give him a chance at love without interfering, because she knew how much she’d hurt him.
That was just one theory. The questions in my mind were endless. And I knew we might never get the answers we needed.
Filled with urgency, I rushed up off the couch and grabbed my keys, which included the one to Bree’s house.
Running next door, I let myself in. I knew I had no right to trespass, but my need for answers was desperate. I also missed my friend. Being in this empty house without her was eerie. My eyes wandered over to her ever-present water glass on the table next to the chair she sat in. Knowing she might never return was heartbreaking.
I ran up the stairs and started going through her drawers and closets, in search of anything that could provide me answers. My tears fell as I kept coming up empty, more devastated with each passing minute. I sifted through all the things she might never get to enjoy again, like the clothing hanging in her closet. Concert ticket stubs littered the top of her bureau. She loved music and live shows. She might never see another one.
Life is so unfair.
My eyes landed on a stack of photo albums in the corner of her closet.
My hands shook as I grabbed them and took them back downstairs to the living room. Sitting on the couch, I inhaled a deep breath and opened the first one. It mostly contained photos of Bree as a child. In one image, she was so thin and small it reminded me of what she’d looked like today at the hospital, shriveled and childlike.
The second photo album featured photos of her teenage years. It didn’t take me long to stumble upon the one I’d been looking for: the first photo of Hollis and Bree. Anna. They were at the beach, and Hollis had hi
s arm around her. Bree wore a bikini and Hollis had on board shorts. They looked happy as could be with the sunshine bearing down on them.
It was surreal to see them together, my best friend and my boyfriend. They loved each other. Or at least Hollis loved her. That was evident from the way he smiled at her in the next picture I came upon. They were sitting under a tree. It was a candid shot, as if someone had happened to notice the way he was looking at her. God, this hurts.
Hollis had an innocence about him in these photos that no longer existed. By the time I met him, he was hardened by loss. The guy in these photos was most definitely long gone. I kept turning the pages. More photos of them together. Some of them kissing. Lots of them laughing. A prom photo. Graduation. They’d been through a lot together. I wondered if they’d been each other’s firsts.
Why, Bree? Why did you keep this from me? I’d opened up to her so much about my attraction to Hollis, about my developing feelings. Had she not made the connection, or was she hoping it wasn’t true so as not to disrupt my life?
She hadn’t wanted to meet him that weekend he’d stayed over in Connecticut. I remember feeling like that was odd, even though I’d chalked it up to her poor health. Did she suspect something and not want to find out the truth? Or did she know the truth?
I had to wonder if things with Hollis and me would ever be the same again. Could we survive this?
I closed the photo album. These questions had to take a back seat for now. Because Bree was fighting for her life. Did anything else really matter?
***
The hallways of the hospital were quiet, except for an older man singing a Johnny Cash song as he mopped the floor outside the elevator on the fourth floor. It wasn’t quite 7AM, but the ICU had no visiting hours, and I couldn’t sleep. I thought Richard might be here, though I didn’t expect to see anyone else this early.
Arriving at the closed double doors, I rubbed some Purell into my hands and pressed the button to open them. The nurses’ station was subdued, and I stopped when I saw the same woman who had been checking on Bree before I left.
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