by Maggie Wells
“Will I what?” Aleecia asked.
“Go down on me,” Kyle said.
“I don’t know how to do that,” Aleecia said.
“It’s easy,” Kyle said, unzipping his pants. “Just like a popsicle.”
“I don’t know,” Aleecia said.
“C’mon, baby,” Kyle said. “If you love me.”
She didn’t seem to know her way around so he helped her a little, guiding her head toward the sweet spot. Oh that’s it, baby! Oh yeah!
I love you, he thought. Maybe he had said it out loud.
“That was great!” Kyle said.
“Yeah,” Aleecia said, wiping her mouth.
He helped her with her bike and then watched her peddle down the dark street toward her house. Mentally, he ticked off the days until she was no longer grounded. He waited until he could no longer see her and then he drove home.
ELEVEN
Aleecia
* * *
“WHERE WERE YOU LAST NIGHT?” ALEECIA’S MOTHER asked. She was standing in the kitchen with her arms folded.
“There was an after-party, Mama,” Aleecia said. “I fell asleep. Dawn was there.”
“I called Dawn’s mother,” her mother said. “Dawn was home in bed by midnight. Why are you lying to me?”
“I guess Dawn went home after I fell asleep—but she was there, I swear!” Aleecia said.
“You know what happens to girls who fall asleep at parties?” her mother asked. “They get date-raped. Where was Kyle?”
“Kyle was there,” Aleecia said. “He drove me home, remember? If I had planned to stay out all night, don’t you think I would have taken a change of clothes? Please, Mama, can I go take a shower and go back to bed? I shouldn’t have stayed out. I should have called you. I’m sorry, Mama, I truly am. Can I please not be grounded?”
“No, you’re definitely grounded for one month,” her mother said. “How do we know that Kyle didn’t take advantage of you? What were you wearing when you woke up?”
Aleecia hesitated.
“Oh my God in heaven!” her mother exclaimed. “If he touched you, that’s statutory rape. You’re under the age of consent. I’m calling the police.”
“Don’t call the police, Mama,” Aleecia pleaded. “Kyle didn’t do anything. He calls me his angel. We’re planning to get married and move to Nashville.”
Her mother’s face registered shock.
“Not now, Mama!” Aleecia said. “After I graduate. Of course.”
“Well this angel is grounded,” her mother said. “Case closed.”
“Can I go to church?” Aleecia asked.
“Church, school and work,” her mother said. “No boys, no beaches, no parties for one month. And no texting with that boy!”
Aleecia went into the bathroom and turned on the shower. She peeled off her dress and dropped it onto the floor. When she took off her panties, she noticed a little blood stain.
“Oh, shit!” Aleecia said. Frantic, she scrubbed the panties with soap in the sink. If her mother found them she would know that she had lied.
In the shower, she stood under the hot water for a long time, washing off his smell and her memories. Her vagina was sore and she was scared that Kyle had injured her. She had so looked forward to the prom and now she could barely remember dancing with him. She regretted the whole night. It wasn’t anything like she had expected. And now she had lost her mother’s trust. It would never be the same.
At church on Sunday, Aleecia felt different. The music didn’t take her soul to a new place; it made her feel unworthy. She felt like she had let Jesus down. She felt like an imposter—a fallen woman. She was shattered. And furious with Kyle. But most of all furious with herself. I trusted him! she thought. I had no idea there actually is a point of no return.
After the service, she saw Kyle standing on the sidewalk across the street. Her heart leapt into her throat. She wanted to run to him but she had promised her mom. She hoped he hadn’t seen her. She wished she could just ride her Rally home alone and somehow turn back the clock, back to before Friday.
“Aleecia!” Kyle yelled and waved.
Aleecia stood there, weighing the risk. She knew she couldn’t be seen with him or her mother would ground her permanently. She walked slowly across the street.
“That was beautiful,” Kyle said.
“What was?” Aleecia asked.
“Your singing, dummy,” Kyle said.
“Oh, that,” Aleecia said. “Look, I gotta go home. I’m not supposed to see you for a month.”
“Your mom’s not home,” Kyle said.
“No, but I need her to trust me again,” Aleecia said. “As if that were possible.”
“Well, can I at least give you a ride home after work?” Kyle asked. “Tomorrow night?”
“Um, I guess that would be okay.” Aleecia said. “As long as she doesn’t see you.”
“Kiss me,” Kyle said.
“We can’t let anyone see us together,” Aleecia said. She squeezed his hand and walked toward the bike stand.
Aleecia clocked out at eight on Monday and wheeled her bike around to the front parking lot. There were a few cars in the lot, but Kyle flashed his lights so she could find him. She was flooded with feelings as she walked toward his car. Is this what it feels like to have a boyfriend? she thought. I want to be with him but I feel so guilty. My mom was right; I am too young to be having sex. It’s too complicated. And besides, it hurts.
Kyle jumped out of the car to load her bike into the trunk.
“Hi, sweetie.” Kyle tried to embrace Aleecia, but she pulled back.
“What’s wrong?” Kyle asked after they had gotten in the car.
“I don’t know,” Aleecia said. “I think this all happened too fast.”
“But I love you,” Kyle said. “You don’t need to worry. I’m here. Forever.”
“Forever?” Aleecia asked.
“Yes,” Kyle said, squeezing her hand. “Forever.”
Aleecia tried to enjoy the ride home—the salty, cool breeze; his hand was so soft, cradling hers. But the guilt was nagging at her. She knew she wasn’t supposed to be in Kyle’s car. She had never lied to her mother before and now she seemed to by lying all the time.
A couple of blocks from her house, she said, “Stop here. Let me out.”
“Sure, honey,” Kyle said. He lifted her bike out of the trunk and set it on the street.
“You feel safe, riding home from here?” Kyle asked.
“Yes,” Aleecia said. She stood on tiptoe to kiss him. “Everything is okay.”
Aleecia pedaled home, not at all sure that anything was okay. How can I continue sneaking around behind my mother’s back? she thought. I know she will be able to read the guilt on my face.
The next night and every night after that, Kyle parked in the store lot and waited for Aleecia. They drove to her house in guilty silence, her hand cradled in his, and parked two blocks from her house.
There, they would sit for a few, maybe twenty, minutes, kissing, hugging, and inhaling each other’s musk.
One night, after kissing her tenderly, Kyle whispered. “Will you?”
“Will I what?” Aleecia asked.
“Go down on me,” Kyle said.
“I don’t know how to do that,” Aleecia said.
“It’s easy,” Kyle said, unzipping his pants. “Just like a popsicle.”
“I don’t know,” Aleecia said.
“C’mon, baby,” Kyle said. “If you love me.”
His penis was hard and it quivered in the light of the street lamp.
Kyle put his hand on the back of Aleecia’s neck and pushed her face toward his lap.
TWELVE
Aleecia
* * *
ALEECIA GREW INCREASINGLY ANXIOUS, AS HER PERIOD was one week late, and then two. Fearing the worst, she picked up an EPT kit at Big Lots one evening.
“What’s in the bag?” Kyle asked as he loaded her bike into his trunk.
“Oh, jus
t some feminine care items, if you must know,” Aleecia said. She was annoyed that he had noticed. Dammit! Why didn’t I stuff the bag into my backpack? she thought.
“Buckle up,” Kyle said as he started the car.
They drove in tense silence for a few minutes.
“Is everything okay?” Kyle asked.
Aleecia assumed he was still referring to the items in her bag. “I’m late,” she said.
“Late for what?” Kyle asked.
“Late!” Aleecia said. “My period.”
“Oh my God,” Kyle said. “Are you sure? Did you take a test?”
“I bought a test,” Aleecia said. “That is what’s in the bag. I’ll take the test in the morning.”
“Text me right away,” Kyle said. “Okay?”
“I don’t understand,” Aleecia said, starting to cry. “We used a condom, didn’t we?”
“Well, actually,” Kyle said, slowly. “I meant to tell you.”
“Tell me what?” Aleecia asked.
“Um—the first one broke,” Kyle said.
“Broke?” Aleecia cried.
“It kind of fell apart when I took it off,” Kyle said.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Aleecia said. “I could have taken the morning-after pill.”
“We fell asleep,” Kyle said. “I forgot. I’m sorry, baby. Maybe the test will be negative. Let’s hope for the best. Text me tomorrow—as soon as you know for sure.”
Kyle pulled over at their usual spot and took Aleecia in his arms.
“Don’t worry, Aleecia,” Kyle said. “Everything will be okay. I love you.”
“I love you too,” she said. She felt better, having told him. But she was terrified to face her mother.
Aleecia couldn’t sleep that night; terrible dreams kept waking her up. In one dream, she was trying to ride her bike up a steep ravine and for some reason she was carrying a bunny in her arms. She had to decide whether to abandon the bike or the bunny in order to make her way to the top. She ended up dropping both the bike and the bunny as she clawed her way out.
Aleecia woke up before her alarm went off and went into the bathroom with her EPT kit. She stared at her reflection for a long time before she unwrapped the stick. Please God, she mouthed into the mirror. Please let the test be negative. She followed the instructions very carefully, then she set the test stick on the vanity and waited for what she thought was two minutes. There it was—the plus sign. She ripped open the second stick and peed on it. It seemed like mere seconds had passed before the plus sign appeared.
She knew she wasn’t ready to tell her mother; she wanted to talk it over with Kyle first.
She wrapped up the sticks in toilet paper and stuffed them into the trash. In disbelief, she stepped into the shower and stood for a long time, letting the hot water spill down her back to rinse away the terrors of the night.
“Bye!” her mom called out from the living room.
Aleecia waited until she heard her mom’s car pulling out of the driveway before she texted Kyle.
I’m pregnant, she texted.
Are you sure? Kyle texted back.
I took it two times.
See you at lunch? he texted.
Let’s not talk about it at school, she replied.
After practice?
I have to work.
After work?
OK, she agreed.
This is it, then, Aleecia thought. This is really happening. She had already googled it; the closest abortion clinic was in Orlando, one hundred and twenty miles away. For a minute, she had fantasized that she could get an abortion and not even tell her mother, but she had googled that too. Girls under eighteen had to be accompanied by a parent. Shit! How can I face my mom? She will never forgive me!
The day passed in a fog. Aleecia went through the motions, but she couldn’t engage with Dawn and Joyce. Their mindless chatter about American Idol and Taylor Swift seemed completely irrelevant. The afternoon classes dragged on until, finally, the bell rang and she was able to escape on her bike, pedaling as fast as she could, riding through stop signs and red lights, until she reached Big Lots.
After her shift, Kyle was waiting in the parking lot. He got out of the car as Aleecia approached with her bike. But instead of popping the trunk, he took her into his arms and her bike went crashing to the asphalt. The dream from last night popped back into her head—the bunny and the sound her bike had made when it slipped from her hand.
“Oh, baby,” Kyle crooned. He stroked her head as he held her tight.
Aleecia felt numb. She pulled away and climbed into the car while he loaded her bike into the trunk.
“You’re quiet,” Kyle said. He was driving slower than usual. He pulled into the beach parking lot. “Talk to me. What are you thinking?”
“I think my mother is going to kill me,” Aleecia said. “I lied to her and she’s never going to forgive me.” Aleecia started to cry.
Kyle pulled her to him. “What about the baby?”
“The closest abortion clinic is in Orlando,” Aleecia said. “It’s going to cost four hundred dollars. And my mom has to go with me.”
“Abortion?” Kyle said. “I don’t want you to get an abortion.”
“What?” Aleecia cried. She pulled away from him. Her cheeks were wet. “What are you saying?”
“I love you, Aleecia,” Kyle said. “This is my baby—our baby. I never knew my father. You never knew yours. I want to marry you and be my baby’s daddy.”
Aleecia had never considered that option—becoming a mother at sixteen, just like her mother had? She was torn. What would be worse—dragging her mother to the abortion clinic and dealing with the humiliation, or living for the rest of her life in the shadow of her mother’s disappointment?
After Kyle had dropped her off, Aleecia pedaled the last few blocks home slowly, pondering her situation. Her brain felt heavy—it was all too much information.
She parked her bike in the driveway and opened the screen door.
“Mommy?” she called.
“In here, Aleecia,” her mother called from the kitchen.
“I need to tell you something,” Aleecia said as she entered the kitchen.
“What, that you’re pregnant?” her mother said.
Aleecia gasped.
“I found the sticks in the trash,” her mother said.
THIRTEEN
Kyle
* * *
KYLE DROVE TO BIG LOTS EVERY NIGHT AT EIGHT. IT was the only time he could be alone with Aleecia. He was always excited to see her emerge from the back lot, wheeling her beat-up bike. He was planning to surprise her with a new bike for her sixteenth birthday.
“Hey, baby,” Kyle said. “I missed you.”
Aleecia didn’t say anything. She stood sullenly by the car, waiting for him to pop the trunk. She still hadn’t said anything as he pulled out of the lot.
“Is everything okay?” Kyle asked.
“I’m late,” Aleecia said.
“Are you saying what I think you’re saying?” Kyle asked.
“That I could be pregnant?” Aleecia asked. “Yes!”
Kyle felt nauseous. He pulled over to the side of the road and tried to breathe. Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me, he thought. The memory of that night blasted into his head like a lightning bolt. When I went to remove the condom, it disintegrated in my hand. She had already fallen asleep beside me. I meant to tell her in the morning but we were in such a rush to get home before her mother woke up. And then there was the whole scene with her mother in the driveway. That’s no excuse, I know. It’s magical thinking—wishing and hoping—and dreading this moment.
“I bought a test,” Aleecia said. “I’ll take it in the morning.”
“So maybe you’re not pregnant?” Kyle asked. He was flooded with relief.
“I’ll find out in the morning,” Aleecia said.
“Okay,” he said, squeezing her hand. “Text me as soon as you know for sure.”
“I don’t unde
rstand,” Aleecia said, starting to cry. “We used a condom.”
“Well, actually,” Kyle said, slowly. “I meant to tell you—the first one broke.”
“Broke?” Aleecia cried.
“It kind of fell apart when I took it off,” Kyle said.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Aleecia said. “I could have taken the morning-after pill.”
“We fell asleep,” Kyle said. “I forgot. I’m sorry, baby. Maybe the test will be negative. Text me tomorrow.”
The next morning, Kyle lay in bed staring at the ceiling, waiting for his phone to buzz. C’mon, he thought. What is she waiting for? Text me!
Finally, at six twelve, the phone buzzed and he was afraid to look at it. He lay there with his phone pressed against his chest. Please God, please God, please God, he thought. He opened one eye and squinted at the screen.
I’m pregnant, the text read.
Thoughts spun through Kyle’s head like a fantasy light show. College recruiters, NFL draft, the house in Atlanta that I would buy for Dwayne and Crystal—it was all a pipe dream. My mother was right—I will never amount to anything. But when she was pregnant—first with Dwayne and then with Crystal, the sons of bitches had come around for a while and then disappeared. That is not going to happen to my Aleecia.
He couldn’t wait to see her again.
Kyle picked Aleecia up after work and drove to their usual spot. He pulled over and took her into his arms.
“Don’t worry, Aleecia,” Kyle said. “Everything will be okay. I love you.”
“What do you mean?” she asked. “What are you saying?”
“We had a dream—remember?” Kyle said. “Move to Atlanta, get an apartment big enough for all of us? You, me, the baby, and Dwayne? We can still do this. Don’t you want to be a family?”
“I thought it was Nashville,” Aleecia said with a wan smile. “My mom, you, me and the baby.”
