I'm sitting on the floor of my living room, methodically taking apart and reassembling my Beretta 92FS while separating and scarfing down yellow peanut M&Ms. If a stranger was a fly on the wall inside my apartment right now, he or she would probably be staring at me as if I was completely certifiable; basically how Jade is looking at me at this very minute.
What I've never told her or anyone for that matter is that I was taught by a school counselor, who I was forced to see in the twelfth grade (by Joseph's request I suspect), that I needed to create rituals for myself in order to self soothe.
In other words, to calm the fuck down.
When my insides are dark and stormy, this is what I do. I either create a new ritual on the fly or fall back on one of my old standards, but whichever method I select, they always have to mean something to me. And only me.
I was barely six years old when my mother woke me up on a weeknight at five am and announced that we were going to walk all the way from our house to Walmart (which was at least two miles away) and wait for them to open. She had purchased a vacuum cleaner from there that she wanted to return immediately, because the power cord would not automatically wind back inside it's compartment, and she was livid. This is what it could be like living with my mother.
She acted on every impulse, every whim, and every emotion. Many times at my expense.
After the time it took to get there, we waited another two hours for Walmart to open that day, and then she told me to sit on the walkway in front of the store with the vacuum cleaner while she made a run to the bank. I didn't understand at my age that there were no banks open at seven am, at least not in our neighborhood, so I did as I was told and waited.
It was cold that day and the longer I sat on the concrete, and the longer she was gone, the more anxious I became. I was shivering with my arms around a vacuum cleaner box as store employees pulled inside the parking lot to begin their workday. Most of them gave me quick but inquisitive glances as they continued their labored marches inside the building. Everyone except a cashier named Caroline. A round, robust woman with little to no hair on her head (my guess was due to chemo) but a huge smile; and she stopped to speak to me when no one else bothered to that day.
"Why are you sitting out here all alone son?"
"My mom's vacuum cleaner doesn't work."
"Where is your momma?"
"At the bank."
"The bank? Which one?"
"I don't know."
Hmmm…what's your name?"
"Roman. What's yours?"
"See my name tag? Can you read it?"
"Yep. It says Caroleene."
"That's Caroline."
"That's what I said. Caroleene."
She smiled warmly at me.
"You want to come inside with the vacuum cleaner and wait for momma there Roman? It's chilly out here, and you'll get hemorrhoids if you stay sittin' on that concrete."
I liked the looks of Caroline. Even though she was missing a lot of hair, she still looked warm and fluffy like someone's grandma should look. But I could hear my mother's voice in my head, warning me to avoid all strangers, especially kind ones. My mom didn't trust many people and even when I really wanted to, I didn't either.
"I'll wait for my mommy out here."
"Fair enough, but here's a little something for the wait. Free of charge."
Caroline smiled when she handed me a small unopened bag of M&Ms. It was the first time I had candy since I could remember, and even though I had been warned about accepting food, gifts, or kindness from strangers, I made an exception that morning.
"It's my only guilty pleasure. I have plenty more at home unfortunately. You take these," she offered.
"Thank you."
I ripped the bag open almost immediately. I didn't realize how hungry I was.
"What good manners and you’re welcome darling. But listen Roman, make sure to eat each one of those candies one by one and very slowly. It will help pass the time until your mom gets back. Okay?"
"Okay."
"You promise?"
"I promise."
Time passed longer than I ever anticipated that day and now that I'm older and wiser, it's obvious that sweet, old Miss Caroline figured that it was going to be a long morning for me. It was the first time that my mother had ever left me somewhere and then completely forgot about me. She usually came back within at least an hour.
This time she didn't.
I was still sitting outside Walmart three hours later, when the tears started to roll down my face and the realization hit me that my mother wasn't coming back for me. I knew then that I had a decision to make. Should I try and look for my mother? Should I try and make my way back home? Or should I go inside and ask the sweet old woman for help?
I ate the last of my M&Ms while I thought things through and was able to arrive to my first of many future big boy decisions. I was going to figure out my way back home, with the vacuum cleaner in tow, and hoped that my mother would remember her way back home too.
Almost five hours later she did.
I'm lining up the peanut version of my favorite candy side by side on my smoked glass table, then eating only the yellow M&Ms. Yellow is Elizabeth's favorite color. Eating M&Ms to calm myself down is one of my go to rituals thanks to the kind woman I met many years ago. Making it yellow M&Ms is something I'm doing on the fly. Something that reminds me of the very person that has my insides all twisted in knots.
Elizabeth is all I can think about.
Her legs.
Her breasts.
Her laugh.
That ass.
I don't especially like that images of her are creeping around inside of my head, consuming my thoughts, but the fact remains that I brought all this shit on myself once I put my hands and mouth on her and my damn dick inside of her. I have no one to blame but my fucking self.
It's like a switch has been flipped on inside of me that I couldn't power off even if I wanted to. What I think I hate most about how I'm feeling is that it's all so new and foreign to me. This desire to always know where she's at, what she's doing, and how she's feeling is actually a big pain in my ass. That shit is for weak pussies. Not for men like me.
My old counselor would probably say I’m having an issue because I ‘don’t know how to interpret and control unfamiliar emotional responses’ or some such shit.
She was right about one thing. I do like control. I definitely like knowing exactly what I’m dealing with at all times. I don’t like surprises, and I don’t like chaos.
And while I'm sure it's no big deal in many circles that I have hooked up with a family member who is only my cousin by marriage, in my world it's a big fucking deal. It's messy.
None of my friends or family would ever understand this. In our world, she's still very much family. They'd probably come up with many creative names for what I am: perverted, distorted, warped, depraved, pathetic. I know this because I would probably think the same about someone close to me.
Problem is right now … I just don't give a fuck. And the only reason why I've been holding back as much as I have with Elizabeth is because I know that she definitely does give a fuck.
I've swallowed four Extra-Strength Excedrin and drank at least three highballs of Jack Daniels over the last hour, but my head is still fucking pounding and my gut is still wickedly churning. Probably because over the last twenty-four hours the same questions have been running through my head; gnawing at me.
What is Elizabeth doing? Who is she talking to? Why hasn't she returned my texts or calls? Is she okay? Is that prick Ethan in between her legs right now? Will Joseph be able to bail my ass out if I kill a motherfucker in the Bahamas?
I'm checking and cleaning the slide and barrel of my gun for the third time now, because it's one of my rituals, and also because I really want to figure out a seriously creative way to transport an unregistered gun across international waters and into Paradise Island. I'm not fucking playing. It's a good thing federal laws are in place to
prevent me from actually acting on it. Of course no law will stop me from breaking Ethan's jaw.
I was already pissed when I discovered that Elizabeth left the country without even as much as a good-bye to me, but ever since Jade told me that Elizabeth's ex-boyfriend could possibly be exactly in the same place, I've been in a I want to kick someone's ass mode.
I want to break some shit up.
I'm pissed that Elizabeth is responsible for the state that I'm in, and once I calm myself down enough, I'm going to have to do something about this situation. I just have to be very careful about how I approach this. No one can know just how twisted up I am. I'm going to have to reign my crazy in, or it's going to look like I'm going ape-shit over my cousin, which I am, but that's besides the point.
"Earth to Roman." Jade speaks to me with the tone of a perturbed elementary school teacher as she taps me on the forehead. "I asked what the hell is wrong with you?"
"Why are you still here Jade?" For a minute I forgot she was even in my house.
“I literally just told you that your cousin who’s over a thousand miles away may be in some trouble. I've watched you zone out on me, play with your gun, and eat more yellow M&Ms than any one person should be allowed to over the last few minutes. What gives? You should be going all bad ass right about now. Calling in the troops. Making shit happen."
"All I said was research her ex for me. I never said that she was in any trouble."
Jade looks at me incredulously. I can’t even blame her.
“Are you freaking kidding me? You didn't have to say it. All I said to you was that the Ethan kid may be in the Bahamas and now you look like you want to kill somebody. I mean look at you. What don't I know? Why are you acting this way?"
"I didn't want–" I stop myself from saying the words.
"You didn't what?"
I grunt and shake my head no so that Jade will shut the fuck up, but she isn't the type to take a hint. She's like a tiny little Chihuahua that latches on and doesn't let go until she gets what she came for.
"I don't know."
"I've known you a long time Roman, and I've never seen you like this. So indecisive. So torn up about something. You do realize that there's no room in your world for whatever this is you’re going through?”
"I know that Jade." I say with tension in my voice. I'm ten seconds away from throwing a yellow M&M at her head. They're both about the same size.
"I'm not indecisive about shit Jade. Elizabeth's a big girl. If she decides to hook back up with her ex in the Bahamas then that's her business. She'll call if there's any trouble."
Jade gives me a lengthy sidelong glance.
"Is that what this is about? A little worried she may be hooking back up with the ex?"
I turn my head and glare hard at Jade. I already know that she knows about my unhealthy attraction towards Elizabeth, because of how I was acting at the club, but saying the shit out loud is a whole other matter.
"Don't give me the stink eye boss man. I get it. I had a crush on one of my cousins when I was fourteen and had no problems letting the whole entire family know about it either. I use to follow him all over the house during family dinners like a little puppy dog. But being attracted to your cousin is just like having the hots for your best friend's boyfriend. It's completely fine and totally normal as long as you don't act on it; and you haven't acted on it right?"
I don't answer Jade, because I know that she means that as a rhetorical question. One that she wouldn't like the honest answer to. She takes my silence and my blank face to mean that I haven't crossed any lines and continues on with her spiel.
"I don't see how you can just sit here playing with guns and candy knowing that her douchebag ex may be knocking on her hotel room door right this minute. You asked me to look into him and I did. I know he has some drug issues, and Elizabeth doesn't seem the type to be with someone like that. So why aren't you doing anything about it? Imagine Joseph's reaction if something does happen to her, while you sit here paralyzed with some sort of misplaced guilt. What a fantastic fixer you've turned out to be."
Okay now her sarcastic ass is fucking pushing it.
"Watch it Jade." I growl.
"Do you want me to book your ticket to the island or not?"
Of course I do.
That little fucker is there.
I can feel it.
Once Jade said the words, I knew right then and there that it was true. And if he's there, he could only be there for her. There's no fucking way it's a coincidence. I know sneaky, lying drug addicts. I grew up with and around a shit load of them, and he is definitely one. He just goes to fancier schools and dresses better.
I lock the magazine clip of my gun into the receiver for the final time, lay my piece down on the table with a quiet thump, and swallow my last yellow M&M. I'm the hell done with self-soothing. I work better with an edge to me anyway.
"Book me a one-way ticket to Nassau and a room at the Atlantis."
I practically roll my eyes at the smirk that spreads across Jade's face. She loves it when she wins.
"How do you know she's staying there?"
"Juliette mentioned it."
"So you want one of the penthouse suites?"
I usually get the best that my money can buy when I travel, but not this time.
"No. Find out what tower she's staying in and book me the best room they have on her floor. It has to be on the same floor."
"What about Joseph and the Kings?"
"It's none of their business."
"You are working cases right now Roman. You've got the clubs too. You're going to have to say something to them."
She's right as usual. That's why I have her around. She gives me shit, and drives me crazy, but she keeps me on point. She knows my business is everything to me.
"Joseph and Juliette know that she's in the Bahamas on business, so there's no point in telling them anything different. I'll have Cutter cover the clubs and Camden can work the DUI job. Just tell Cam' and Cutter the truth. Tell them that Elizabeth may be in some trouble, and that I have to go out of town to handle it. Play it down though. No red alerts. No telling the old man that I went there. You feel me?"
Jade nods with satisfaction. "I'm glad you've finally come to your senses. While I know that it's possible that Elizabeth may be sitting on a beach, catching a tan, and reading a novel; there's also the small chance that this Ethan guy is up to something. Once upon a time you helped me out of a jacked up situation that nobody gave a shit about, and I just think someone should have Elizabeth's back too."
"Understood."
"What about killer over there?"
Jade points over to the corner at Mr. Tibbs. Jade is not a dog person. Usually I have someone house sit him if I travel, but this is too last minute. Plus I like giving Jade shit sometimes.
It completes me.
"Raw chicken backs and turkey necks are portioned in zipper lock bags in the freezer. Feed him twice a day. No treats. He also gets three walks a day. And water my plant while you're at it. Juliette gave it to me.”
"Raw chicken backs and turkey necks!”
I'm walking away grinning like a cheshire cat as I hear Jade's cries of protest behind me.
It's a pleasure to piss her off as I head to my bedroom to pack and go see about kicking some ass, and bringing my cousin the fuck home.
SIGN UP HERE TO BE NOTIFIED OF BOOK 2's RELEASE
Author note: This sneak peek of book 2 is a rough draft and subject to change during editing.
Dear Reader,
Thank you for reading Cousins and taking a chance with a new indie author. I hope you enjoyed Roman & Elizabeth's story so far. I really enjoyed writing about those two; and stay tuned because the drama unfolds further between the two of them in the conclusion of their story–Book Two.
I am someone who has always dreamed of publishing fiction but allowed life to get in the way. Writing this series has been one of the most rewarding and challenging experiences of
my life, and I look forward to bringing more stories to you as quickly as I can. When I came up with the concept of Cousins and started having people read sample chapters, a lot of people had strong opinions about Roman, Elizabeth, Ethan, Sloan and even Jagger. As an author I CRAVE feedback, so if you'd like to share what you liked, loved or even hated about this story, I'd love to hear from you. You can write me at [email protected] and visit me on the web at http://LisaLangBlakeney.com
Also, I need a favor. If you enjoyed Cousins, I humbly ask to please leave a review and recommend the book to your friends. This really helps me as an author, as those ratings are so very important to us independent authors and allows other readers to find our books.
-Lisa
P.S. Make sure to join my VIP readers group to be notified immediately of my next release.
Acknowledgements
SO WHERE DO I START? When I was 17 years old and trying to figure out my future, my mother strongly advised me to NOT major in English, because there was no way that she was going to pay for a college degree that would lead me to being homeless and on the streets (her words not mine English majors:). I ended up majoring in print journalism and spending many, many years of my life writing for newspapers, magazines and websites.
Now that I've married, have children, and my mother is ill with dementia, I see just how fragile life is and how important it is to spend every minute of it hopefully loving what you do. So here I am full circle. Doing what I truly believe I was meant to do. Writing fiction and enjoying every minute of it. And of course there are many people who have helped me get here.
First, I want to thank my amazing husband who has been my best friend since I was 18 years old, and who has supported any and everything that I've ever wanted out of life. Without him in my life, I doubt that I would have ever made it back here. Writing strictly for the love of it and not for profit. I also want to thank my daughters who inspire and influence every decision I make in my life. While they can't read any of my work quite yet (or maybe ever!), they support me in all other ways imaginable. I love each of you EQUALLY. I swear:)
Cousins (Cousins #1) Page 18
