by J. H. Croix
“I’m a fan myself. It gets me through every damn day,” he replied with a grin.
We were quiet for a few moments. I looked around the café and wondered what it would be like for whatever was happening with Jesse to be more than the mirage it felt like. I’d felt as if I were suspended in time this entire weekend.
Then again, with last night feeling sort of like a date even though it was accidental, this morning made it feel even more as though we were something other than a passing encounter.
After we ate, we headed up to the hospital. We arrived at my mother’s room just as she was about to be wheeled down to get her blood work done.
When she saw Jesse, she smiled widely. “Jesse! You’re still here.”
He grinned and winked, hooking a hand in his pocket as he looked down at her where she sat in a wheelchair. “Of course I am. Where’d you think I went? I get to take you home today.”
My mother laughed, clearly delighted by his answer. The nurse who was wheeling her looked over to us. “Olive’s done well. Aside from sleeping, she chatted with anybody who came by.”
“How are you feeling, Mom?”
She looked over at me and shrugged. “I’m okay. They tell me I have to use a walker.”
“That’s what I hear,” I offered, nodding and wondering if I should say anything else.
The nurse, as if though she read my mind, squeezed my mother’s shoulder. “Hon, we just talked about this. You need to be stable on your feet, so that’s the deal.” At that, the nurse glanced at me and winked. “We’re headed down to the lab if you to want to come with us,” she offered.
“Sounds like a plan,” I said, following along.
We were on the third floor of the hospital. The nurse led us to the second floor and down a long hallway. It didn’t seem to matter where a hospital was, they all tended to feel the same—muted colors, bright lights, and a sense of hurry. Always clean, so clean it felt cold and sterile—the way it needed to be to remain that clean.
The nurse left us in the waiting room outside the lab. I couldn’t go to a lab without thinking about my sister. The chemo area where she went at the hospital back in Boston was right beside the lab. She’d often shuttled back and forth between the two places getting things checked. I gave myself a shake, reminding myself there was nothing I could do about her death. I only hoped I had a little more time with my mom where she felt well and comfortable.
“Olive?” a voice called.
We all looked up to see a woman standing in the doorway to the waiting area. I instantly liked her. She had almost-black hair pulled up into a ponytail atop her head and translucent blue eyes. She wore a fluorescent green scrub top with pink stripes and a matching pink ribbon holding her hair up. Her wide smile was impossible not to return.
“That’s me,” my mother announced from her wheelchair.
Jesse stood and curled his hands on the handles, immediately wheeling her over to the woman. She looked down at my mother and held her hand out. “I’m Violet, nice to meet you.”
“I’m Olive, and it’s very nice to meet you,” my mother returned.
I was discovering one upside to my mother’s memory issues was her mood was generally cheerful. The only time she got irritable was when we discussed any changes, such as the walker and getting help at the house.
Violet glanced between us. “Are you here for moral support?”
“Up to you, Mom. Want company?”
My mom looked from Violet to Jesse to me and shrugged. “Well, they might as well come.”
Violet grinned. “Follow me.”
We followed her down a short hallway into a small room. Violet cocked her head to the side and reviewed the paperwork on her clipboard. “It looks like we’re just doing the basics today. Okay, Olive, tell me which arm you prefer. Right or left?”
“I get to choose?” my mother asked.
“You sure do. As long as there’s a good vein, it’s up to you. Some people prefer I draw blood from their non-dominant arm. Although some people prefer to use their dominant arm because the pain goes away quicker when they use it a lot. I’m gonna be blunt here and say, at your age, let’s pick whichever arm you use less.”
Violet graciously listened as my mom regaled her with stories of seeing the birds yesterday. I was beyond relieved that she seemed to remember most of the day. I was finding she had more challenges with remembering less recent events.
Violet teased her, and they joked about a few things. When she was done, we all walked down the hall together with Jesse wheeling my mother. Violet lightly tugged on my sleeve just as we reached the doorway to the waiting area.
“Just a quick question,” she said.
Jesse took the cue and headed through the door to the waiting area.
Violet eyed me for a moment. “I know it’s none of my business, and you’ll probably never see me again, but do yourself a favor and find some help for your mom. She’s a total sweetheart, and I can tell you’re worried. The nurse told me that your mom says she doesn’t need any help during the day. But I can guess she could probably use some company.”
I hadn’t known Violet for more than the perhaps ten minutes we’d been here. Yet, somehow the way she said this to me, I could handle it.
I swallowed and sighed. “I know. I’m working on it.”
I was, but my intellect and reason kept bumping up against my emotions. This was hard, harder than I’d imagined. I didn’t like watching my mother’s memory slowly go and kept trying to convince myself she’d bounce back, even though I knew rationally she wouldn’t. I was a doctor for crying out loud. I knew what was happening, but it didn’t change the pangs of grief and the struggle to face the reality of it.
Violet’s gaze was warm and understanding. “Okay, if that was totally inappropriate, just complain to my boss. She knows I tend to tell people what I think.”
“Oh, you mean just offering your opinion when people might need to hear it?” I asked with a grin.
Violet smiled ruefully and shrugged. “Yes, that. Anyway, it was nice to meet you.”
“Ditto.”
Her pager went off. “Hey, Violet,” I called as she reached to check it.
She glanced back to me.
“Thanks.”
At her wide smile, I turned and went into the waiting room to meet Jesse and my mom. He arched a brow, an unspoken question in his eyes. I mouthed, “All good.”
Chapter Eighteen
Jesse
A few days later, I sighed as I leaned my hands against the tile in the shower at the station. We’d had a tough afternoon. There’d been a fire in a nearby town where multiple crews had been called from surrounding areas because it was big and out of control. A massive old mining building had caught fire. Unfortunately, a man had been exploring in there and had gotten trapped. We got the fire out, but he died from smoke inhalation before we could reach the area where he was trapped.
It didn’t matter what I told myself, it hurt to lose someone. I let the pounding, steaming hot water wash away the day. I was physically exhausted and emotionally weary. As I dressed with a few of the other guys alongside of me, we were all quiet. I sat down on the bench, snagging a water bottle from my locker and draining it. When I tossed it into the recycle bin in the corner, Ward came walking into the locker room.
He leaned against the lockers across from Caleb and me. Caleb and I shared foreman duties on Ward’s crew.
“We did all we could guys. Before we even got called out, it was probably too late,” Ward said, his voice low.
“I know, man, but it still sucks,” I replied, running a hand through my hair with a sigh.
What got to me the most was if we had been able to get there in time, we could’ve saved the man. By no means was this the first fatality that I’d dealt with as a hotshot firefighter over ten years. I’d even experienced the death of a crewmember who’d gotten trapped during a wildfire. That had been awful. In this case, the man had been in the back part of
the mine, trapped behind the fire in the front section of the building. Every death weighed on me.
“Yeah, it sucks no matter what,” Caleb said bluntly.
Ward sighed and nodded slowly. “I know. All we can do is what we can do.
We still have the weekend duty. Either one of you need to call out?”
“Nah, I’m good,” I replied with Caleb nodding along with me.
He and I tended to approach these things in the same way, both of us preferring to throw ourselves back into the job.
As I drove towards home, all I could think was I wanted to see Charlie. In fact, I would’ve given just about anything to fall asleep with her tonight. When I turned onto my road, I started to go down my driveway and then stopped. I wanted, no needed, to see Charlie. Slipping my phone out, I sent a quick text.
Thought I’d stop by. Pizza?
I drove the remaining way down my driveway and stopped to feed Waffle before loading her up in the truck. Returning to town, I picked up three pizzas. I hadn’t even waited for Charlie’s reply, but I was relieved when it came in.
Sure. Em’s kind of in a mood. She would probably love some pizza.
Despite my heavy day, just the knowledge that I was going to see Charlie lifted the weight slightly. Waffle was, of course, excited. She was happy to go anywhere.
Within minutes, I was rolling around the circle at the end of their driveway. After a quick knock, Charlie opened the door. Waffle dashed through, and I glanced to Charlie. With Em as our audience, it was a good thing my hands were full with three pizza boxes. Without that, I didn’t know if I could’ve kept myself from pulling Charlie into my arms.
I just needed her presence.
“Come on in,” she said, gesturing as she stepped back.
Waffle was already playing on the floor with Emily. Stepping through, I glanced over to see Olive at the kitchen table, sound asleep in her chair.
“You could’ve told me your mom was asleep,” I said, keeping my voice low as I followed her across the room.
Charlie cast a smile over her shoulder as she walked ahead of me toward the kitchen. “It’s okay. She sleeps a lot. She could’ve been awake when you got here and fallen asleep halfway through dinner.”
Charlie got plates out, handed me a beer, and poured herself a glass of wine before we slid onto the stools by the island counter. She caught my eyes and lowered her voice. “Normally, I’d ask Em to come eat with us, but I’ll leave her be. I think something happened at school today because she’s been cranky ever since she got home. Not that she’s ever a ball of sunshine. I want to tell her she can talk to me, but I know the last person she wants to talk to is me. I feel like I can’t win sometimes, but then I worry.”
“Giving her space is probably a good call. I’ll see if she wants some pizza though because I brought her favorite. That veggie deluxe thing she liked so much.”
It wasn’t a big deal to get the pizza Emily liked, but Charlie’s smile made me feel like I’d just done the most amazing thing ever. That was how far this woman had nudged her way into my heart. It wasn’t as if I’d been avoiding relationships before. I didn’t even have an awful break-up story in my history. Yet, I wasn’t accustomed to having someone matter this much.
Charlie had said it herself, but her life was most definitely complicated. It was funny how I didn’t mind those complications at all. With her, they didn’t feel like complications. They were simply part of her life. It never crossed my mind to back off.
Glancing over my shoulder, I called over to Emily. When she looked up, I asked, “You want some pizza? Got your favorite.”
I’d spent enough time around my own niece these days to know how things tended to ebb and flow. There were good days and bad days. Just as Charlie had indicated, today appeared to be on the not-so-great side for Emily. She had always been nothing but polite to me. Yet, tonight she had a sullen look on her face. She was quiet for beat, her hand buried in the thick fur at Waffle’s neck.
“I guess so,” she finally said with a put-upon sigh. It sounded as if eating dinner was a burden.
I bit back my grin. I knew that sure as hell would not help matters, but teenage angst was amusing sometimes, especially when it was over something as simple as food.
Charlie caught my eye and the barest hint of a smile curled the corners of her lips. “Thank you,” she mouthed.
Olive slept straight through dinner, while I wrestled with the wish to fall asleep beside Charlie tonight. Yet, we weren’t on that footing just yet.
When we were cleaning up, Emily muttered something under her breath when Charlie asked her to bring her plate over to the sink. Charlie turned around, her eyes narrowing. Dishtowel in hand, she rested her hand on her hip and looked over at Emily. “Emily, it’s obvious you’re not in the best mood tonight. You’ve been rude to everyone. But the least you can do is bring your plate over,” she said firmly.
Emily stomped over to the kitchen and all but flung her plate in the sink. I heard the sound of it breaking as it hit the bottom of the sink.
“Hey…” I started to say, snapping my mouth shut when I realized it wasn’t my place.
Emily glanced over at me, throwing a glare my way. Before she had a chance to say anything, Charlie cut in. “Emily, you just broke your plate. That’s not okay.”
Emily promptly burst into tears, looked at Charlie and said, “Well, Jesse’s more important to you anyway. Just like everybody is.”
With that, she stalked away, running up the stairs and slamming her door hard enough to for us to feel the vibration of it downstairs.
Charlie looked stricken. Her face was white, and a tear rolled down her cheek. “I can’t believe she said that. Why would she feel like that?”
“Hey, I doubt she really feels like that, but she’s upset right now. People say shitty things when they’re upset.”
I stepped to her, pulling her into my arms. She stiffened for moment and then relaxed against me, her forehead falling with a thump against my chest. “I know you’re right, but it sucks. I need to go talk to her, okay?”
“Of course,” I said, running my hand through her hair and down her back. My day was forgotten. Because all I wanted to do right now was to make her feel better. I sensed she was going to want me to leave. Even if I understood why, it didn’t mean I liked it.
She stepped back, catching my hand to give it a squeeze. “Thanks for the pizza. Sorry my mom didn’t wake up. She loves when you visit, you know.”
I smiled. “I imagine she likes company in general. I’ll go. I know you want to talk to Emily.”
Charlie walked me to the door, stepping outside with me and closing it quietly behind her. It was late evening with the sky in that in-between place of light and dark. In the gloaming, Charlie’s eyes were bright, an intensity contained within them. She leaned toward me just as I dipped down to her. Her hand slid into my hair at the back of my neck, and she brought her lips to mine softly.
I sighed, pulling her close because I needed her against me, to absorb the feel of her. Our kiss started soft—a brushing point of contact. The point of connection was electric—a hot jolt with flames flashing high in its wake.
Our kiss instantly became hot, deep, and intense, but it was more about emotion than desire. I was still reverberating from losing someone in the fire today, while Charlie was always carrying her internal burdens. When she started arching into me and moaned into my mouth, I knew I needed to draw back. Because I always wanted more with her.
With a last swipe of my tongue, I pulled back slowly, catching her bottom lip with my teeth. I held her close against me, looking into her smoky, sultry gaze.
“I need to go.”
“Why?” she murmured.
“Because I can’t kiss you and not want more,” I said, my lips tugging at the corners with a smile. She appeared to have forgotten she said she needed to talk to Emily.
Her shoulders rose and fell with her breath, her breasts pressing against my chest
. She wrinkled her nose and cocked her head to the side. “Okay, okay. Thanks again.”
As I reluctantly stepped back, I realized that Waffle was still inside the house. “I need to get Waffle.”
Charlie took another step away, turning to open the door. Waffle must’ve been waiting and dashed out the moment she opened the door.
Late that night, I stood by the windows looking out into the night sky. Stars winked amidst the darkness and the moon bathed the landscape in silver. I wondered if Charlie was asleep yet.
Chapter Nineteen
Charlie
The following morning, it was early, and I was already tired. Mom had slept through dinner, but then she’d been up off and on during the night. That was the major downside to when she napped during the day. She never tried to wake me up, but I was a light sleeper anyway. Whenever she was up, I tended to be up as well.
It was now just about 8 AM, and Mom was asleep again. Meanwhile, Em still hadn’t gotten up. For the moment, I appreciated the peace and quiet. I made coffee, toasted a bagel, and then sat down at the kitchen table by the windows.
The view here was lovely, but then I’d come to learn the view anywhere in Alaska was lovely. There was a small field behind the house with the forest just beyond it and mountains in the distance. I’d been told the field would be a burst of color once the flowers bloomed this summer. For now, there were a few lingering patches of snow in the shady areas by the trees and frost on the dead grasses from the season before.
The sky was overcast today, suiting my mood perfectly. I’d tried to talk to Em last night, but I’d gotten absolutely nowhere. Sometimes I wished kids came with an instruction manual. I didn’t know what to even be worried about. As a doctor and as a woman who had once been a teenage girl, I also knew it could be as simple as hormones. I mentally reminded myself to call up the local OB/GYN and schedule an appointment for her.
She wouldn’t be too thrilled about it. I’d practically had to drag her kicking and screaming to one back in Boston. That was a fight I didn’t particularly mind and managed to be practical about it.
