by Miranda Lee
Not only that, he seemed to have lost all interest in his business, actually cutting down on the people he looked after, calling them and telling them to find another manager. She began to worry that he might not be feeling well himself, but hesitated to ask. He hated that kind of fussing. Besides, she rather fancied it was an emotional problem, not a physical one.
Unless, of course, it was sex, she decided one afternoon when he was particularly distracted. Or the lack of it. He was smoking more than ever, which meant there was no new blonde in his life. Samantha would have known if there were, anyway. All of Guy’s girlfriends were always so besotted with him that they couldn’t leave him alone. There would be phone calls and drop-in visits; luncheon dates; little presents delivered. Odd, that, she always thought. His women liked to give him things, not the other way around. She’d never known Guy to send flowers to a woman in his life.
No, clearly there wasn’t any new dolly-bird helping him make it through the night.
She herself wasn’t sleeping too well either.
Samantha was to find out exactly what was eating at him one Thursday in May, four weeks to the day after she had handed in her resignation. Mrs Walton had gone home after her weekly four hours of apprenticeship, and Samantha was catching up on some correspondence, mostly written confirmation of bookings.
‘Fancy some coffee?’ Guy asked as he wandered out of his office towards her desk.
‘Yes, thanks,’ she answered, looking up. Then wished she hadn’t. She’d forgotten how gorgeous he looked that day, in a navy suit and pale blue shirt. Blue was definitely his colour, seemingly highlighting his striking blue eyes.
Her gaze followed him as he moved past her desk and into the kitchen. It struck her that she had never seen him dressed in anything but a suit, which was surprisingly conventional in this day and age, particularly with someone of Guy’s background.
He’d been a rocker in his younger days, a drummer in a band. Much to his father’s disgust at the time. Apparently Guy had formed the band while doing an engineering degree at university, having so much success with it that the degree had never been finished. When the band had finally broken up a decade later he’d directed his talents and natural intelligence into the managerial side of showbiz, thereby regaining parental approval.
Samantha wondered if his conventional dressing was his way of impressing on his business contacts that his wild old rocker days were a thing of the past. Whatever the reason, he always looked great to Samantha.
Guy wandered back in with the two coffees, placed hers carefully beside her computer, then perched on the far corner of her desk while he sipped his.
‘Thanks again,’ she said, feeling not a hint of premonition. Making her coffee and stopping for a brief chat was something Guy did quite often. The only feeling Samantha was enduring was the hot prickle of sexual awareness that plagued her now whenever he was so physically close. One more month, she thought ruefully as she sipped the coffee, and this type of torture would be over.
‘You know what, Sam?’ he sighed. ‘Life’s a bitch.’
‘Oh?’ She was startled by this remark. It was not like Guy to be negative or pessimistic in anything. Most of the time he exuded a confidence bordering on arrogance. But then, he hadn’t been himself lately, had he? Not since his father’s heart trouble. ‘Why do you say that?’ she asked.
He left his coffee and slid off the end of the desk, strolling across to stand in his now familiar pose at the nearest window, his back to her. ‘I have this problem,’ he said in a low, almost reluctant voice. ‘A damned impossible problem.’
He turned then and walked back towards her with a self-mocking expression on his face. ‘God knows why I’m telling you. You can’t help me. No one can really. I can see it’s a crazy problem, totally illogical, with no workable solution. The trouble is I can’t put it out of my mind.’ He stood in front of her desk, picked up his coffee and drank deeply.
‘Why don’t you just tell me what this crazy, illogical and unworkable problem is?’ she suggested. ‘At least you’ll have it off your chest then. Don’t you think I’ve noticed something’s been bothering you?’
He frowned at her. ‘You didn’t say anything.’
She shrugged. ‘I thought it might be because of my leaving.’ Or something else she couldn’t exactly mention, like sexual frustration.
He rubbed his forehead with an agitated finger. ‘No...that’s not it. If you’re going to go then you’re going to go. I hate the idea, but I’m not going to beat my head up against a brick wall, and I can see when you make up your mind about something, Samantha Peters, you’re a brick wall.’
She wasn’t sure whether that was a compliment or not. ‘Then what is it?’ she persisted.
He swallowed the final slurp of coffee, then exhaled a ragged breath. ‘You’ll think I’m off my tree, but the simple truth is...I want a child.’
Samantha was very grateful that she was sitting down. And that she didn’t have the hot coffee to her mouth. As it was she almost dropped the damned mug. Just in time she tightened her fingers, then lowered it carefully to the desk-top. ‘You want a child,’ she repeated, trying not to look as stunned as she felt.
‘Yes,’ he said. ‘A child. A son or a daughter. When Dad nearly died I realised how God-awful empty my life would be without him. Yet I will be without him one day. After he’s gone there’ll be no one in this world who cares if I live or die. Not for the right reason, anyway.’
He was looking right at her and she was sure he would have to see how her eyes started shining, see the burning love she carried in her heart for him written all over her face.
Apparently, he didn’t, his unseeing gaze turned inward on to his own troubled soul. ‘I know it’s a mad idea,’ he said impatiently. ‘You don’t have to tell me how mad! But still...’ His eyes took on that far-away look, as though he was imagining what it would be like to be a father and was entranced by the idea.
Surreptitiously Samantha put the phone on hold. She didn’t want a single thing interrupting this conversation.
His eyes snapped back to the present and he glared at her. ‘Do you think I’m mad?’ he demanded.
‘Not at all,’ she said as composedly as she could manage. ‘It’s a basic human drive to reproduce. Perfectly normal.’
Surprise lit his face. ‘Yes, yes, it is, isn’t it?’ he enthused, clearly excited by her words. ‘As basic as food, and sex.’ He laughed. ‘Well, of course that was the original idea behind sex, wasn’t it? Reproducing. It took human ingenuity to separate the two.’
Samantha swallowed. She wasn’t sure where all this was leading, but she was on the edge of her seat with breathless anticipation.
Guy paced back over to the window, and stood there, astride and arrogant, for a few seconds. But then he whirled to face her, his expression frustrated. ‘But surely you can see my problem? You know what I’m like, Sam. Marriage is not for me and never will be. I wasn’t meant to sleep with the same woman for the rest of my life. Hell, I’m hard pushed to make it to six months before I’m bored out of my mind. I won’t marry a woman just to have a child when I know it will end in divorce.’
Samantha accepted this quite easily. It was the pattern of his life so far. If only he could see that sex without love had to be boring in the end. Not that she said as much. She was too enthralled in hearing what he was going to come out with next.
‘The same goes for these so-called love-children,’ he went on with a derisive wave of his hand. ‘What happens when the parents fall out of love? Just as devastating a situation for the child as divorce. Besides,’ he added scathingly, ‘I’ve never been in love in my life and, quite frankly, I’m thankful I haven’t. Makes idiots of the most sensible sane men!’
And women, Samantha added to herself with a silent groan.
‘No,’ he pronounced. ‘I discarded both of those ideas weeks ago, which left me with two remaining possible courses of action,’ he stated, walking slowly back to he
r desk. ‘Firstly, I thought of paying a surrogate mother to have the child by artificial insemination and hand it over after it was born. But that’s awfully risky. She could change her mind and take me to court later and get the child back. I would never let a child of mine be an emotional football!’
The vehemence behind these last words gave Samantha another glimpse of a man harbouring a lot of pain. Since Guy loved his father without reservation, she could only imagine that his mother had to be the responsible one.
‘Not only that,’ he growled, ‘but I find the concept of artificial insemination distasteful. Maybe I’m a closet romantic, but I prefer to conceive my child the normal way, not with me as a mere extension of a test-tube. If I’m going to embrace the most important commitment a man can make—that of fatherhood—I want to be involved in a personal way right from the start. Damn it, I need to be involved. It’ll be my child!’
Samantha could only stare at Guy, so astounded was she to even hear the word ‘commitment’ come out of his mouth, let alone in such a passionate and caring way. It came to her quite forcibly that any future child of his would be a very lucky boy or girl indeed. For Guy would undoubtedly love it with all the love he’d never before bestowed on another human being, except perhaps his own father.
For a moment her mind drifted to the most impossible fantasy—of this unexpectedly emotional Guy somehow finding out he’d loved her all along, of his proposing marriage, of their having this much longed-for child together. She suppressed a sigh and gave her full attention back to her darkly frowning boss.
‘Which brings me to the second, final and ultimate solution to my problem,’ Guy went on, a dry sarcasm creeping into his voice. ‘I find some nice single co-operative lady who wants to have my child, will agree to let me share its upbringing, but who won’t make any demands on me other than financial ones. Now isn’t that the best fairy-story of a female you ever heard?’ He threw his hands up in the air in exasperated defeat. ‘Find me such a woman, Sam, and I’ll give you every cent I have!’
Samantha’s heart went into total seizure.
Not so her mind!
My God, it virtually exploded. Did you hear what he just said, what he wants? This is your chance, your wildest dream come true.
Well, not quite, harsh reality answered. He’s not offering love and marriage. But he is offering his body and his child! A life-long bond that would tie him to you forever!
That’s more than you ever hoped for. More than your other proposition would have given you. Much more. For this leaves you with your pride and self-respect.
All you have to do is dare...
But to succeed with such a daring proposition she would have to be very calm. Super-calm. One whiff of emotional involvement and Guy would cut her dead.
‘This nice single co-operative lady,’ she drawled, her heart pounding so loudly in her chest that she was certain he must hear it, ‘would she have to be a blonde?’
Penetrating blue eyes locked on to hers and a slow sardonic smile creased his mouth. ‘You’ve got me taped, haven’t you, Sam? But I think that would be asking for a little too much, wouldn’t you?’ He made a scornful sound. ‘This saint-like creature fitting my physical preference as well?’
‘In that case...what about me?’ she said, amazing herself with her ultra-casual tone. ‘Would I do?’
There was no doubt she had stunned him. For a good few seconds he simply stared at her, and then he fulfilled her worst nightmare. He laughed.
Her face must have shown something, for suddenly he stopped and frowned at her. ‘My God, you mean it, don’t you?’
She recovered, to give a nonchalant shrug. ‘Of course. I never say what I don’t mean. Apparently you do, though. Otherwise you wouldn’t find my offer so amusing. You’d be thanking your lucky stars that you’ve found a woman prepared to go along with your—er—highly unusual suggestion.’
Again he stared at her, as one did at a person who had done something alien to what you would always have imagined them capable of. ‘But why on earth would you be prepared to do such a thing?’ he demanded to know. ‘It doesn’t make sense. What’s in it for you?’
She wanted to close her eyes but she couldn’t. She wanted to get up and run away. But this was her chance, the only one she would ever get and, by golly, she was going to grab it with both hands!
‘I’ve always wanted children,’ she said truthfully. ‘Since the man I love doesn’t love me back and will never marry me, my chances of having a child look slim. I’ll never marry anyone else. That I know.’
‘What rubbish!’ Guy derided. ‘You’re a young woman. You’ll fall in love again.’
‘No, I won’t,’ she argued levelly. ‘I’m a brick wall, remember. I won’t fall in love again. At least, not for a long, long time. And I’m not that young. I’m twenty-five, Guy, going on twenty-six. If I’m going to have a child I would like to have one soon. I have to admit I would never have thought of this myself and I would never have dared do it in a small country town. But here...in the city...it’s different.’
He was literally gaping at her.
‘Yes, I do realise I’ve surprised you,’ she went on coolly. ‘To tell the truth, I’m rather surprised myself. But if you think about it it’s the perfect solution for both of us. We already like each other, respect each other. We’re friends. And I do appreciate what sort of man you are. I understand that after I’ve conceived you would wish to return to your former free and easy lifestyle. Of course, I would have to ask that there would be no other women till then...’
The blue eyes had continued to widen with shock during her speech. But Samantha was convinced that this was the manner to adopt. If she deviated from her coolly competent self Guy might smell a rat.
She almost laughed at the irony of this thought. He was the rat, wasn’t he? Not herself. Oh, lord, what in heaven’s name was she doing?
You’re going after what you want, her love-filled heart urged. Let this opportunity go by and you’ll regret it for the rest of your life.
Stiffening her spine, she shoved any doubts aside and plunged on. ‘Naturally, as you’ve already indicated, I would expect you to look after my future in a financial sense, perhaps with that partnership you offered me a few weeks ago. If that was the case I would be prepared to stay on here, at least till the baby was born. After that—who knows? Best to take these things one step at a time, don’t you think?’
She set steady hazel eyes on him. ‘Well, Guy? What do you say? Good idea or bad idea?’ Inside, every part of her was trembling with nervous anticipation. She recognised that such an arrangement was outrageous, even scandalous, but she refused to go back on any of it. Loving Guy as she did—wanting him as she did—made her oblivious to the norms of social convention.
He blinked once. Then twice. Then scratched his head. ‘I have to be honest with you, Sam. You’ve floored me. You’ve really floored me!’
‘I can see that,’ she said, not without a trace of dry amusement. ‘Would you like a day to think it over? Or a month maybe? You have a month before I leave.’
‘Good God, do you have to sound so cool about it? We’re not talking about a business merger here, but a rather more personal one. Might I remind you that to have a baby we would have to go to bed together? Not once, or twice. But maybe many times.’
A tremor raced all through her, but she didn’t think he noticed. She kept her expression perfectly bland. ‘Yes, Guy,’ she managed to say quite calmly. ‘I do realise that. Being a country girl, having babies holds no mystery for me.’
Reproach flashed into those piercing blue eyes. ‘Goddamit, woman,’ he grated out, ‘we’re not two sheep rutting away in a paddock! We’re human beings, with feelings and...sensitivity. When I make love to a woman I have to feel like it. I can’t just turn it on like a tap. A woman might be able to merely lie there, but a man can’t fake it, you know!’
A chill shivered through Samantha. This was the bottom line, wasn’t it? The ult
imate rejection. ‘Do you find me so unattractive, Guy,’ she said with barely concealed hurt, ‘that making love to me is virtually an impossibility?’
He seemed uncomfortable. Also slightly perplexed. His eyes lanced her face, then travelled downwards over her shoulders and lower. In spite of being well disguised by her suit jacket, her full breasts tingled disconcertingly as his eyes skated over them. But she kept her chin up, boldly, bravely.
He shook his head, dragging in then expelling a ragged breath. He leant on the front of the desk, setting reasoning eyes upon her. ‘All I’m saying, Sam, is that I have never looked at you in a sexual fashion. That doesn’t mean you’re not an attractive woman. Of course you are. I’m not blind. I dare say I could take you to bed successfully if I put my mind to it, but—’
‘Well, then,’ she cut in with icy calm, ‘if you want a child the normal way that’s exactly what you’ll have to do. I doubt you’ll find some luscious little blonde who’ll fill your other requirements.’
He stared at her for a second, then straightened, his face worried. ‘I don’t think you’ve thought this through, Sam. You’re acting on the rebound because this other man won’t marry you. Believe me, I appreciate your offer and I’d snap it up like that...’ he clicked his fingers ‘...if I thought down deep you meant it. You’d make an excellent mother. I couldn’t ask for better. But you’d regret it. I know you would. A girl like you should have a proper marriage and a husband who would love you dearly.’
Oh, dear God, she thought brokenly, if he keeps this up I’m going to cry. I know I will!
‘I won’t regret it,’ she rasped. ‘It’s what I want to do. I’m only sorry you refuse to take me seriously.’
Her thickened tone brought a sharp look.
She swallowed and returned it with what she hoped was a composed face.
