“He’s preying on that woman. Shouldn’t someone do something?”
“It’s not really our business. Now don’t get distracted; I need your head in the game here.”
But Terrance was still staring over at the vampire, who now opened his mouth, preparing to bite into the woman’s neck.
“Hey!” Terrance yelled, walking toward the fiend.
The vampire dropped the woman to the ground and stood up. He was taller than Terrance, muscular, and had a fierce gaze from his gray eyes. Plus, he was a vampire, which Terrance just realized was really scary. “What’s your problem?”
Now shaking a bit, Terrance weakly said, “You were about to bite that woman.”
The woman slowly lifted herself up, shaking the daze from her head. She took one frightened look at the vampire and ran for the exit.
“Wait!” the vampire yelled after her, but she bolted out the door. The vampire turned toward Terrance and glared at him.
“See,” Terrance said, “she didn’t want—”
The vampire struck Terrance with his open palm, knocking Terrance backward across the room and into a table. Terrance ached all over, and struggled to get to his feet. Lance helped him up and announced to the bar, “Sorry, my friend has had too much to drink; I’m going to take him home.”
The vampire still looked angry, but stayed back as Lance led Terrance to the exit. Terrance then noticed something moving on the ceiling. Once again, there was something dark up there, and from the glint of its eyes, Terrance could tell it was staring at him. He stared back, until Lance yanked him out the door.
“Don’t get us banned from our local bar,” Lance said while the rain poured on them.
“He was a vampire! Someone had to do something!”
“And you did something: you looked like an ass and then got the crap beat out of you. You happy?”
His pride was hurt—along with his body—but he didn’t feel that bad about it. “It just seems like people shouldn’t ignore things like that.”
“You’re going crazy again. I’m going to go back in and grab our umbrellas; you stay out here and try not to be a weirdo for five seconds.”
Lance ran back into the bar, and Terrance noticed a light in the distance—the glow of the volcano by the fortress far outside of town. There was a streak of lightning behind it, which silhouetted something large flying near the volcano. He was pretty sure it was the thing he saw fly over in the forest. Malcus. He shuddered at the thought.
Terrance poured a can of Campbell’s Chunky Soup into a bowl—chicken corn chowder—and stuck it in the microwave. While waiting for his dinner to heat up, he went to the window and looked out toward the fortress. There was something great and evil out there…but he wasn’t sure if that concerned him. He’d nearly gotten himself killed confronting a vampire, so why was he worrying about even greater threats he could do nothing about? He was a computer programmer; if something needed to be done about evil, then that seemed like someone else’s job.
He looked over at the closet that contained the sword and the entrance to the tunnel beneath his apartment. He had a strange feeling that maybe there were answers down there. Answers to what questions, he had no idea.
He turned back to the window and noticed something on the grass outside: a squirrel sitting in the rain, staring at him. “What do you want?” Terrance yelled at it through the glass. “I don’t know what your problem is, but I’m going to get you and wring your little squirrel neck!”
The squirrel just sat there, as Terrance realized that he was screaming at a rodent; maybe he was just going crazy.
There was a knock at the front door.
Terrance slowly walked over and opened it. He was startled to see a dark, armored figure standing there in the rain. He suddenly realized it was Shannon.
She stepped inside, pulling off her helmet and shaking out her blonde hair. “I missed you.”
“I missed you, too.” If you’re going to fight evil, then what are you going to do with her? he thought, but the idea was soon lost in her pretty face and sweet smile. They embraced and kissed, and his worries melted away.
The microwave beeped.
Shannon pulled back. “Am I interrupting something?”
“Yes, you are…and thank you for that.” He kissed her again and she pulled his shirt up and off of him. He tried to figure out how to get her out of her armor, but it was even more complicated than a bra strap.
Chapter 11
“Grah! Noise! No noise!” Shannon had her head buried in her pillow and was hitting Terrance in the face with her palm.
Terrance rolled over and turned off the clock-radio alarm. He looked back at Shannon. “You’re sleeping in, I gather?”
“Murh,” she grumbled. She apparently had the day off, but it was a usual Monday for Terrance.
He took a shower, and after he got out and brushed his teeth, Shannon was no longer in bed. He got dressed and headed to the kitchen, where he found Shannon wearing one of his T-shirts and making coffee.
She poured Terrance a mug. “It’s our one-month anniversary today. We’re, like, totally serious.”
“Eh,” Terrance answered as he took the coffee. He stepped over a piece of Shannon’s armor still lying in the living room as he headed to the couch.
She sat down next to him and looked at him with a faux-serious face. “You have to make a huge deal out of this, because it was a month with me—the greatest woman you have ever met. Probably the greatest woman in all of existence. If you don’t make a big deal, I’ll find someone else. Easily.”
“I made plans.”
“What? You’d better tell me; I know how to torture information out of people.”
Terrance wasn’t sure from her tone whether that was a joke. “I’ll tell you later.” He took a big swallow of his coffee.
“So how was your weekend, by the way? Was Legendary Quest fun?”
“I wasn’t able to get a copy.”
She frowned. “I’m sorry. It must have been a torturous weekend without me. What did you do?”
Terrance wasn’t sure how much he should tell her. He felt like he was keeping a lot of secrets from her, and as he’d learned from watching sitcoms, that could eventually lead to wacky situations. He decided to tell her at least one thing, now. “I just kinda hung around. I ran into someone, though. Chet.”
Shannon’s face tensed with anger. “What? What did he say to you?”
“That he’s going to be watching me or something. He’s kind of creepy.”
“He is. I don’t know why I was with him for so long. And I don’t want him bothering me or you.”
“You want me to beat him up?”
Shannon nodded. “Yes.”
“Okay, cool. I was already planning on beating him up, but I was just wondering how severely. I’m going to go with a ‘thorough’ beating.”
“Seriously, though, just avoid him if you see him again.”
“Is he dangerous?” That seemed a silly question about a giant armored man with an axe.
“No, just an idiot and a jerk.”
“So I don’t need to worry about…the axe.”
Shannon scoffed. “No, don’t be silly. That’s just for…people who need an axing, you know?”
“Not really. Who?”
“Not people like you. Don’t worry about it. But do avoid Chet, and tell me if you see him again.”
“Deal. So did you have a good weekend?” He regretted the question when he asked it; nothing good would come from prying about her job.
“It was work. But me and the girls, we had fun.”
She didn’t elaborate on what she’d had fun doing, and Terrance had the will to not inquire further. “Cool.”
“So anything else happen with you this weekend other than stupid Chet?”
He carefully considered what else to tell her, and then decided to venture one thing. “I got punched by a vampire.”
Shannon looked confused. “Why?”
“Were you drunk?”
“I was hanging out with Lance.” That seemed like an answer to the question.
“I don’t like Lance. I don’t think he treats Karen very well; he seems like kind of a jerk.”
“I won’t argue against that too vehemently.” Terrance finished his coffee. “I’d better get going.”
“And I need to stop by my place and check on Amidala.”
“She’ll probably still be a dumb, overweight cat, but maybe you’ll get lucky.”
She playfully hit him on the back of the head. “You’re a jerk too. So when do I find out about my super-fantastic one-month anniversary surprise?”
“I never said it was super-fantastic.”
She stared at him wide-eyed with comically over-the-top intensity. “Well, it better be, because as I said, I can just find someone else who will appreciate me enough to give me a super-fantastic one-month anniversary surprise. I’m pretty hot.”
“I need to work on making you more insecure; I can’t have you always lording your hotness over me.” He pointed at her head. “Your hair is kind of weird.”
She came at him with a series of playful slaps. “I haven’t had a chance to work on it yet! Shut up!”
They kissed. “I’ll see you later, Ance. Go do your Batman stuff.”
“Okay, Catwoman. And I promise you’ll like your surprise.” He took one last look at her pretty, smiling face, thinking how much he had lucked out, and then he stepped over another piece of armor as he headed out the door.
Terrance was not at all sure Shannon would like his surprise. He thought maybe it was a great idea, but also feared it was really stupid and that Shannon would think he was an idiot.
He worried a bit about it during his workday, and all the weird things from the weekend faded away as concerns. It had all seemed so important at the time, but he had a girlfriend and real problems to worry about, not some silly made-up conflict over good and evil that the crazy-seeming Talia had ranted about.
The head of software, Pendergrass, had sent Terrance a list of bugs to look into, and soon Terrance found himself in the midst of a debugging sweet spot, where all of the world’s concerns disappeared as his mind was fully devoted to puzzling out some esoteric coding problem. He eventually had to get up to get some more coffee, though, and in the break room he saw Karen fetching an apple. She glanced at him but didn’t say hi. Terrance was going to ignore her, too, but he thought of something—a real concern he did want to know more about.
“I ran into Shannon’s ex over the weekend,” he told her as he poured his coffee.
Karen had a very immediate and brief reaction that almost looked like fear, but it quickly faded away. “You feel threatened by him?”
“No. He seems like a huge jerk.”
“He is. I’ve told Shannon she needs to get further away from him…maybe even change jobs.”
“Do you think she might do that?” Terrance blurted out. No matter how hard he tried to convince himself otherwise, Shannon’s job was a big issue to him, and her leaving it would be a load off his mind.
“I don’t think so. She’s always going on about how great and important it is.”
“How did she end up as one of the Sisters of Torment anyway?”
Karen took a bite of her apple and thought for a moment. “She was kind of bouncing around trying to figure out what she wanted to do after college, and…well, she met Chet. After they started dating, she kind of got enamored with, you know, those people. Whatever it is they do.”
Now Terrance liked Chet even less. “So what do you think of…those people?”
Karen shrugged. “They’re okay…I guess. They seem important.”
“Did you think of joining them?”
“Briefly. Shannon tried to talk me into it.”
“Why didn’t you?”
Karen looked a little perturbed by the question. “I just decided not to. I hear you got beaten up at a bar last night.”
“I got struck once,” Terrance said. “Seems like you need to get hit multiple times for it to qualify as ‘beaten up.’”
“Well, you don’t want to even get struck once by Chet, so make sure you avoid him.” Karen left the break room.
Terrance thought about fighting Chet. He had taken some Tae Kwon Do as a kid, but it didn’t seem like that would be adequate.
“I’m warning you: expectations are high.”
“Well, it’s nothing too big,” Terrance said as he drove Shannon to the surprise. “I thought it would be something different to try, but I might be wrong.”
“Don’t try to backtrack now,” Shannon said melodramatically as she narrowed her eyes at him. “You told me this morning you had a surprise, and I’ve been anticipating it all day. My expectations are so high that a surprise I normally would have loved will seem awful and stupid, and I will hate you for it.”
“Did you get me a surprise?”
“Don’t try and change the subject! Plus, I am your surprise. I’m the awesomest, most beautiful girlfriend ever, and it’s insulting that you want anything more from me. Now there are even more expectations for your surprise, because it has to make up for the insult as well.”
Terrance pulled into the parking lot of a gas station. “I’ve changed my mind; we’re not going. You’re too high-maintenance. I’m going to find a girlfriend who isn’t set at nightmare difficulty.”
“No, I’ll be good!” Shannon pleaded while cracking up. “Take me to the surprise! You’re the best boyfriend ever, and I should be nicer to you even though I won’t be!”
“Okay. Best behavior.” Terrance got back on the road and drove a bit longer until he went into the parking lot of the Family Speedway. “Here it is: go-kart racing.”
Shannon’s expression was neutral for a few moments as she looked the place over. Then she shot her arms in the air, punching the roof of Terrance’s Hyundai. “Awesome!”
“Since on our first date we played Mario Kart, I was thinking maybe we could try some actual kart racing.”
“Foster a pure kart-based relationship.”
“That would be the ultimate goal.”
Shannon smiled. “So can we throw turtle shells at each other?”
“No, I checked the FAQ on their website. They don’t allow that. So does this sound fun?”
“No, not fun.” She looked at Terrance with her game face plus a smile. “This is competition, and you’re going down!”
It seemed to Terrance that go-kart racing would lose a lot of its appeal when one had a driver’s license and could drive actual cars, but it was still extremely fun. Plus, the actual driving experience gave him a big advantage over the little kids. In the race they were in, it was quickly down to him and Shannon. They were neck-and-neck and constantly fighting for the inside lane on turns. A couple of times, Shannon nudged him, but he kept control and the lead. He was one turn away from finishing the last lap when he suddenly noticed a figure in the crowd watching them. A woman in white. Talia.
Shannon slammed into him as he was distracted, and this time he spun out and ran into the guardrails. By the time he righted himself, two more karts had passed him, and he ended in fourth.
“I’m the greatest racer ever!” Shannon yelled as she pulled off her helmet.
Terrance scanned the crowd but couldn’t find Talia.
Shannon slapped his helmet. “Hey, space cadet. I beat you. You’re supposed to be vowing vengeance.”
Terrance pointed a finger to Shannon’s face. “You spun me out. I will have my revenge, woman.” They both laughed and headed off the tracks. As Terrance took off his helmet, he kept looking for Talia but couldn’t see her. He started to wonder if he’d imagined her; it seemed like he had been seeing a lot of weird stuff lately.
“You a
ll right?” Shannon asked.
“I…thought I saw a ghost.”
Shannon nodded. “I assume the famous phantom of the go-karts, which is totally a thing and not something I just made up right now.”
“And his appearance invalidates race results. So I guess we’ll have to rematch.”
“That is a very well-known rule about the phantom. So, new race.” Shannon put back on her helmet. “And I will destroy you!”
“A date is supposed to bring us closer together, so I’m starting to wonder if a competitive date is a bad idea.”
“Your face is a bad idea!”
Terrance laughed. “Fine. Just let me use the restroom, and then you can spend five minutes staring at the back of my go-kart.”
“Okay, but don’t sneak out of a window in there to avoid a whupping!”
Terrance headed into the nearby restroom, which was empty, so he had his pick of urinals. He chose the one furthest from the door and unzipped.
“Psst. In here.”
Terrance turned his head to see Talia peering out of one of the stalls. He immediately zipped back up. “What are you doing in here?”
“Just wanted to talk. Join me.”
“I’m not getting in a bathroom stall with you.”
“Then get in the one touching this one. Hurry, Denby. Before we’re seen.”
“Seen by who?” Terrance asked as he went into the stall next to Talia’s and shut and locked the door.
“Whom. Seen by whom.”
He sat on the toilet. He reminded himself he’d need to wash these jeans. “Just answer the question.”
“Perhaps you’ve noticed that there are those who want me ripped to pieces. I don’t fear them, but I always exercise caution. Who is the girl with you?”
It was Terrance’s understanding that Shannon and Talia had fought before, but apparently Talia hadn’t recognized her out of her armor. “My girlfriend.”
“Lovely thing.” Sounded more like an insult the way Talia said it. “Let me guess: you fornicate with her in an attempt to forget the world—forget what you’ve seen and what you know. You cover yourself in the filth of this world so you forget all that is beyond this mere sliver of existence.”
Sidequest: In Realms Ungoogled Page 8
