by Jon Jacks
I almost say succubus, but I’m not sure that that’s a term they like using to describe themselves.
Once again, Jassy’s input would be handy here. But I’m sure she’d once told me that they’d also been named after their mother, Lamia.
I’m hoping lamiae is the right word.
I’m hoping I’ve pronounced it right.
Zerriesta laughs.
Oh oh, that can’t be a good sign.
‘The lamiae? Why should the lilin care what Lamia or her lamiae think?’
Phew, it seems I did get the name right!
And the lilin; that would the daughters of Lilith I suppose, yeah?
‘You’re taking too much out of Paul,’ I say. ‘It’s obvious to anyone who sees him that something’s wrong. Your own sisters won’t appreciate you bringing our existence to the atttent–’
‘You’re not lamiae!’
Damn! I thought I was pulling this off!
‘Here, let me give you a taste of what it’s like to be lilin.’
Before I can ask what she means, I’m hit with what could be a tidal wave of emotions.
They wash over me, caress me, drench me.
One minute it’s like downing. Like my nose is blocked, my lungs painfully full, a host of false memories rushing through me. Then I’m surging upwards, breaking the surface, gulping in emotions of love, of kindness, of tenderness.
Then they begin to actually wash through me, becoming a part of me, merging and mixing with everything I am.
Whirling me around. Swirling amongst the components of my own being.
Buffeting me.
Being absorbed by me.
Tenderly stroking me.
Fiercely penetrating me.
I’m gorging on it all.
It’s not the most amazing experience; it’s a whole wealth of experiences, the emotional events of a whole number of people throughout history.
Even amongst all this, though, I can taste – yes, taste – Paul’s love for Gillian.
It’s intense, strong; a love made all the more delicious because it was never fulfilled. It was, rather, stored away and added to and added to added to.
Never weakening.
Never suffering the disappointments and realities of a love that is realised.
His guilt and shame have only made it all the more intoxicating. His self-loathing has transformed it all into a powerful sense of an undeserved longing, a never-to-be fulfilled lust.
It all comes to an abrupt end.
‘Ah, I can see you enjoyed that!’ Zerriesta smirks.
Yes, I can see her now.
I can recognise her essence.
She’s far more beautiful than Dedi could have ever hoped to be. Her contours flow, undulate, as if she were floating in unseen waters.
‘You enjoyed feeding off the love of a boy for an unattainable idol! Shame on you! You know, perhaps you would enjoy being lilin after all, eh?’
She’s amused by my bewilderment.
‘Oh come now; admit it! You savoured his love like a gourmand would relish a recently uncovered truffle! Or a well-aged wine. I served his passion up to you like the finest dessert to end your meal on.’
Even though she’s smiling, her eyes are narrowed with anger and hate.
It reminds me of the way Panthia had glared at me when she’d spotted me watching her walking home from school.
At last, I realise what that look means.
They see me – or rather the ridiculously gorgeous Gillian – as a rival.
A rival for their food supply.
Perhaps Zerriesta spots the light of understanding in my eyes.
Whatever the reason, she obviously decides that the time for talking and niceties is over.
‘Of course,’ she says, ‘the condemned should always enjoy a final meal. Now it’s time to send you back to where you belong.’
*
Chapter 20
It’s a surge, a tsunami, of intolerable emotions – hate, loathing, scorn, envy, humiliation, loneliness.
Battering me, forcing me back.
Making me willingly retreat into a corner of my mind where I’ll feel safe.
I don’t want to face up to such dreadful feelings.
I’ll feel safer trying to close my eyes to them all, pretending they don’t exist.
How can they hurt me if I ignore them?
Ignorance.
Is that an emotion?
No, but it’s hardly a positive attitude, is it?
It’s a negative attitude.
An intolerable attitude.
How can it possibly be a defence?
An intolerable attitude can only be a weakness against intolerable emotions.
Does Zerriesta suffer an intolerable emotion that could weaken her attack?
Of course!
It’s the very emotion that this attack on Gillian is all about!
What can be more important to a succubus than her attractiveness?
Than her beauty?
Zerriesta is uncontrollably jealous of Gillian!
*
‘You can never be as irresistible as Gillian, can you Zerriesta?’
I have to yell over the thunderous storm of negative emotions being remorselessly hurled at me.
There doesn’t seem to be any let up in the onslaught. But at least I’m no longer cowering, no longer retreating.
I’m fighting back.
My own negative attitudes and emotions of hopelessness and fear had only been adding to the onslaught, not defending me.
The crashing, crushing waves no longer seem so irresistible, so remorseless.
I feel like I’m standing once more.
Even striding forwards, as you do against a ridiculously strong wind or oncoming tide.
It at least gives me time to think a bit more about what I’m facing here.
What had I said earlier to Zerriesta?
That when it came to Gillian, it was different.
That although Zerriesta had managed to confine Gillian to Heartache High, it wasn’t because she had been taken over.
Yet, of course, Zerriesta would love to take Gillian over.
So, when she’d struck at Gillian like this before, why hadn’t she completed her attack and simply moved in?
Instead, she’d retained her possession of Dedi, ‘this sinewy monstrosity of a girl!’
Which meant – she couldn’t take Gillian over!
All this vast attack, this show of strength: it was only forcing me back.
Zerriesta could never complete the takeover!
It all was just a show!
*
Chapter 21
‘You can never have Gillian, can you Zerriesta?’
It’s still like having to cry out against the whiling winds of a vast storm.
I wonder if Zerriesta can even hear.
Or, even if she can, if it’s having any effect.
Probably not – no!
No more negative thoughts!
It’s Zerriesta whom I need to instil with negative thoughts!
‘Instead you’re stuck with poor little Dedi!’
I yell as loudly as I can.
I’m still striding forwards through the lashing waves. I could be kidding myself, but they don’t seem as strong.
(No, I’m not kidding myself!)
‘What did you call yourself? A sinewy monstrosity!’
Then I realise; the emotions whirling around me are just as strong as they ever were.
But they’re no longer rushing towards and crashing against me.
Yes, they’re still buffeting me. Still battering my body, my head, my hair.
But they’re swirling about me.
It’s more like being caught in their updraft rather than struggling against them.
‘How does that make you feel Zerriesta?’ I scream through the rising, whipping winds and waves.
‘If you possessed Gillian, you know what you could be! You s
aid it yourself! An empress!’
About me, the torrent seems to be weakening.
No; it’s like the eye of a storm.
It’s easing off, becoming calmer, where I now confidently stand.
But farther out, the winds and waves continue to whirl around me.
‘But with poor little Dedi, Zerriesta: what’s the height of your ambition? School bully!’
Untouched by the wall of swirling, pummelling currents, Zerriesta walks towards me, entering this oasis of calm.
‘Haahhh! Yes! If only I’d waited!’
Even Zerriesta has to shriek to be heard above the thunderous noise.
‘Gillian was ripe for conquest! My poor little, envious Dedi, even before I’d taken her over, had managed to see to that!’
Her body no longer appears to be floating in rippling water as it had before. Her body itself is rippling; rippling violently with anger, hate.
‘But of course, ugly little Dedi still couldn’t get what she longed for most; Paul!’
She drifts around me.
I can feel the pummelling of her own, frantically whipping emotions.
‘And so I took what was available – because I wasn’t aware of Gillian’s existence!’
Her thrashing emotions pound hard against me, but I stand my ground.
I’ve come too far to give way once again.
‘Even if I had been, I wouldn’t have guessed she could have been mine!’
Zerriesta’s warring emotions clash against each other time and time again.
Waves pounding against immovable rocks, falling back on themselves, dissolving into soaring plumes of foam and spray.
‘Do you think, if I had, I would have been satisfied with Dedi’s wiry little form? Do you think...’
The battling emotions rush through and rive at each other.
One emotion tears another apart, as that itself is ripped asunder by another.
And suddenly, Zerriesta has vanished.
The emotional storm has disappeared.
That’s what jealousy does.
It tears you apart.
*
I feel incredibly calm.
Drained, perhaps, but also relieved, grateful.
I’m looking out through Gillian’s eyes once more.
Dedi is sprawled out across the floor.
She’s sobbing.
Exhausted.
I reach down with a hand to help her up off the ground.
She takes my hand.
She slowly, painfully, begins to get to her feet.
Her eyes never leave mine.
She’s beaten.
Humiliated.
It means her anger and hate for me is all the stronger.
Zerriesta is still in there.
She hasn’t been completely defeated.
She hasn’t been destroyed.
She’s simply retreated back to where she originally was, back into Dedi.
As I see Dedi like this, looking pathetic yet still full of hate, I try and imagine what the original girl was like.
Imagine, too, what type of girl she is now she’s enrolled at Heartache High.
I’ve never seen her, I’m sure.
There are so many students there.
She’ll be completely unaware, of course, that Zerriesta had helped her achieve what she’d thought was impossible; the love of Paul.
Would she be horrified, though, what that love has cost Paul?
His health.
His way of life.
Love can tear you apart too.
*
Chapter 22
‘Gillian? What are you doing?’
It’s Paul.
He’s looking at me accusingly.
‘What was Dedi doing on the floor?’
He must have seen me helping Dedi to her feet.
He tenderly slips an arm around her waist, holds her to him like she’s some gentle creature that requires healing.
‘She hit me Paul!’ Dedi scowls tearfully. ‘She said you love her! That you don’t love me!’
‘Of course I don’t love her! How could I love someone who goes around hitting people just because they can’t have what they want?’
His eyes flit between gawping affectionately at Dedi and glaring hatefully at me.
Dedi puts on the waterworks.
‘And you know how hard I’ve tried to be friends with her!’
She’s simpering like she’s some delicate wall flower.
Me, I just stand there.
I can’t be bothered taking part in these ridiculous theatricals.
Paul strokes Dedi’s tear-soaked cheeks.
He glares up at me again.
‘You know, I don’t know what I ever saw in you Gillian!’
He guides Dedi away from me like she needs his protection.
‘If you ever decide to leave, it’ll be good riddance!’ he spits back over his shoulder.
He leads Dedi down the street like it’s a disaster movie’s final scenes and they’re the only survivors.
I feel like shouting out, ‘You’re ill Paul; you need help!’
But I know it won’t do any good.
*
‘The Daughters of Lilith? Yes, yes, that makes sense!’
Jassy almost explodes with excitement as I patiently explain everything that’s happened to me over the past hour or so.
‘It was in the Zohraistic Kabbalah, I believe, where Lilith was said to be a succubus. And yes, her children were called the lilin, so it’s highly likely–’
‘Highly likely?’ Dave says sceptically. ‘Would you have said, say an hour ago, that it’s “highly likely” that there’s yet another family of succubae to add to Lamia’s brood?’
‘Well, no,’ Jassy admits with a pained pout, ‘but it does make sense–’
‘Yeah, it “makes sense” if what we’ve previously called legends actually turn out to be historically accurate accounts on a par with Einstein’s concept of–’
‘Oh, not Einstein again!’ Jassy sighs in exasperation.
‘Oh, not the Zohraistic Kabbalah again!’ Dave retorts.
‘Which is relevant to our discussion, whereas Einstein–’
‘Came up with theories which might be able to give us some idea as to how and where Heartache High actually exists in this madcap universe…’
I leave them to it.
I haven’t told them that I actually tasted love.
How does that fit in with Einstein’s concepts?
Or the Zohraistic Kabbalah?
I hold Gillian’s hand.
I can’t tell her either, of course.
I can’t tell her I tasted Paul’s love for her.
Fed on it.
Gorged on it.
Savoured it like, yes, as Zerriesta had described it – a well-aged wine.
But I can tell her how much Paul loved her.
Tell her she wasn’t the worthless person she had begun to see herself as.
Tell her that, really, the worthless person was Paul; because he’d placed his own fear of humiliation above his love for her.
*
Chapter 23
I’m still trapped in Gillian’s body.
Odd, that; to say you’re trapped in such a gorgeously formed body.
One that most girls would consider swapping their little brothers for.
Sure, I could just slip out of Gillian’s mind. Return fully to Heartache High.
Then watch as Gillian just vanished before me.
And think back to Heddy and her dad, and wonder what further agonies they’re going through.
Nope; I can’t do that.
There’s only one way out of this – I have to pay another visit to Lamia.
*
I haven’t told Iain what I have in mind.
I know he wouldn’t agree to it.
In fact, I’ve had to arrange my visit to Lamia at a time when I know he’s taking part in an important football match.
Of course, I’ve made sure Gillian agrees with what I intend to do.
She isn’t entirely happy, of course.
But there’s no other way around it that any of us can see.
And that includes our two resident brainboxes, Jassy and Dave.
‘It could have serious repercussions,’ Jassy points out. ‘But yeah, I’ve got to agree; what other choice have you got?’
*
Chapter 24
‘It’s an offer I can hardly refuse,’ Lamia agrees. ‘But I presume there must be a whole host of terms before you allow it to go ahead. Yes?’
‘Well, first, is it achievable? I had an encounter with one of the lilin–’
‘The lilin? They’re still around? I thought their insatiable greed would have led to their eradication by now.’
‘Well, they’re still around all right. And she was tied to the body she’d taken over.’
‘Of course; until the body dies, and there’s another suitable body nearby for them to move into, most succubae have to be satisfied with what they’ve acquired.’
‘Most succubae?’
‘Over the years, we’ve all acquired different skills. As a matriarch of one of the great dynasties, I more than most. Besides, we have my potions to aid the transition.’
She waves a hand towards her potion cabinet.
‘So, the terms; what are the terms you expect me to abide by?’
‘Expect you to? Can I trust you?’
She grins.
It’s Iain’s most charming, slightly lopsided grin.
‘Of course not; but for you to make an offer like this, you’re obviously desperate dear.’
Now it’s my time to grin.
‘As desperate as you are, perhaps?’
‘Perhaps,’ she agrees with a chuckle.
She lowers her eyes, observes me carefully, seriously.
‘You do realise, of course, what you’ll be sacrificing? You’ll never be together again.’
‘I know.’
I nod in agreement.
‘I love him so much; but I think this is best for him.’
*
Chapter 25
‘Will she agree to it?’
I’m back in my bedsit.
Fully, completely back.
I’m no longer trapped inside Gillian’s mind.
No longer trapped in her body.
Seated alongside me on my bed, Gillian nervously repeats her question
‘Will she keep to the agreement?’
Of course, Gillian has so much more to lose than anybody else.
