by Andy McNab
He finally got level with me as I was trying to stop the wind affecting the compass, which was dangling from my mouth. His hands were buried into his pockets and his head was down. I grabbed hold of his parka and pulled him down next to me, positioning him so he could give the compass some shelter, too.
I wrapped up the compass but this time didn't get to my feet, instead I just stayed where I was and shivered with Tom, both of us bent over in the snow. The snow that had built up on the outside of his hood had frozen, and my hat probably looked the same, matching the front of our coats.
"You okay, mate?"
It was a dumb question, but I couldn't think of anything else to say.
He coughed and shivered. "Yeah, but my legs are really cold, Nick. I can't feel my feet. We're gonna be okay, aren't we? I mean, you know all about this outdoors stuff, don't you?"
I nodded. "It's a fucker, Tom, but just dig deep, mate. It's not going to kill us." I was lying. "Remember what I said? Dream, that's all you have to do. Dream, and this time tomorrow-you know the rest, don't you?" His iced-up fur moved in what I took to be agreement as I added, "We'll be on a road soon and the going will get much easier."
"Will we get a car when we get to the road?"
I didn't answer. A nice warm vehicle would be heaven, but who would be mad enough to be out here on a night like this?
I struck out into the snow and he reluctantly followed. we had a result about twenty minutes later. I couldn't see any pavement, but I could make out the shape of tire ruts under the newly fallen snow, and the fact that the snow suddenly wasn't as deep as it had been everywhere else. It was only a single-lane road, but that didn't matter. It could be enough to save our lives.
I started to jump up and down on the spot to make sure I was right. Tom took a long time to catch up, and when he arrived I could see his condition had worsened.
"Time to sort yourself out, Tom. New phase, just jump up and down and get the body going." I tried to turn it into a bit of a game and he half-heartedly joined in.
It wasn't that long ago that he'd been crying. Now it was sarcasm.
"Not long to go now, I s'pose?"
"No, not long at all."
We started to make distance, huddling together at intersections to protect the compass. Whether a road ran northeast, northwest, or even due west, we took it. Anything to get us in the general direction of Tallinn and the train track.
After about three hours Tom had slowed down dramatically. I was having to stop more and more and wait for him to close up on me. The fight through the snow and the extreme cold had definitely got to him and he couldn't stop shivering.
He pleaded with me. "I've had it, Nick. Everything's spinning around me, mate. Please, we have to stop."
The wind whipped the snow against our faces.
"Tom, we must keep going. You understand that, don't you? We're fucked if we don't."
The only reaction from him was a moan. I pulled his hood apart so he could see me.
"Tom, look at me!" I pulled his chin up. "We must go on. You must help me by keeping going, okay?" I moved his chin again, trying to get eye-to-eye. But it was too dark, and every time the wind got into my eyes they started to water.
It was pointless trying to get any sense out of him. We were wasting time and losing what little heat we had by just standing still. There was nothing I could do to help him here and now. Our best bet was to get to the train track and make the final push to a station. I wasn't too sure how many miles we still had to cover, but the most important thing was to get there. I'd know when he'd finally had enough, and that would be the time to stop and take some action.
I grasped his arm and pulled him along. "You've got to dig deep, Tom."
We moved on, me with my head down and Tom past caring. It wasn't a good sign. When the body starts to go into hypothermia, the central thermostat responds by ordering heat to be drawn from the extremities into the core. This is when your hands and feet start to stiffen. As the core temperature drops, the body also draws heat from the head, circulation slows down and you don't get the oxygen or sugar your brain needs. The real danger comes from the fact that you don't realize it's happening; one of the first things hypothermia does is take away your will to help yourself. You stop shivering and you stop worrying. In fact, you are dying, and you couldn't care less. Your pulse will get irregular, drowsiness will give way to semiconsciousness, which will eventually become unconsciousness. Your only hope is to add heat from an external source-a fire, a hot drink, or another body.
Another hour passed. Soon I had to push Tom from behind. He took a few steps forward, stopped, and complained bitterly. I grabbed his arm and dragged him. At least the extra effort warmed me up a bit. The cold was taking its toll on me, too.
We moved on, painfully slowly. When I stopped to check direction, Tom couldn't help me any more; he just stood on the spot, swaying, as I turned my back to the wind, trying to create shelter for the compass.
"You okay, mate?" I shouted behind me. "Not far now."
There was no reply, and when I'd finished and turned for him he'd collapsed in the snow. I got him to his feet and dragged him on. He had almost no strength left now, but we had to crack on. Surely there couldn't be that far to go?
He mumbled to himself as I pulled him along. Suddenly he stopped resisting and ran forward with a burst of manic energy.
"Tom, slow down."
He did, but only to stagger a few yards off to the side of the road and lie down. I couldn't run to him; my legs couldn't carry me that fast any more.
When I got to him I saw that the sneaker on his right foot was missing.
His feet were so numb that he hadn't noticed.
Shit, it had been there minutes ago. As I'd dragged him along and protected my face from the wind, his sneakers had been the only things I'd seen.
I turned back down the road and retraced his quickly disappearing sign.
I found the shoe and trudged back to him, but getting it back onto his foot was not far short of impossible, my numb fingers trying to tie the laces which were frozen with ice. I touched my little finger to my thumb to make the old Indian sign that means "I'm all right." If you can't do that, you're in trouble.
"You've got to get up, Tom. Come on, it's not that far." He didn't have a clue what I was saying.
I helped him to his feet and dragged him on. Now and again he would shout out and summon up another burst of energy fuck knows from where.
It didn't last for long before he slowed down or fell back into the snow with exhaustion and despair. His voice had become a whine as he begged to be left where he was, pleading with me to let him sleep. He was in the latter stages of hypothermia and I should be doing something about it. But what, and where?
I pushed him on. "Tom, remember mate, DREAM!" I doubted he understood a word I was saying. I felt sorry for him, but we couldn't rest now. If we stopped for even a few minutes we might not restart.
It was about fifteen minutes later that we stumbled onto the railroad line, and only by chance did I notice it. We'd reached a crossing and I had tripped over one of the tracks. Tom wasn't the only one losing his core heat and spiraling down through the spectrum of hypothermia.
I tried to summon some enthusiasm to celebrate, but I couldn't manage any. Instead I shook him. "We're here, Tom. We're here."
No reaction whatsoever. It was obvious that what I said would make little difference to him now anyway. Even if he showed any awareness, what was there to get excited about? We were still in the shit-wet, freezing cold, with no shelter, and I didn't know how or where we were going to get on the train, even if it turned up.
He collapsed on the crossing next to me. I bent down and got my hands under his armpits, heaving him up again and nearly collapsing myself in the process.
He couldn't control his mouth or teeth and began to make strange snorting noises.
"We have to keep going just a bit further," I shouted into his ear.
"We have to find a stati
on."
I didn't know any more whether it was him or myself I was talking to.
I turned him left, toward Tallinn.
We Staggered West. over the snow-covered gravel at the side of the track. At least the trees on either side gave us some protection from the howling wind. It was thirty minutes? an hour? since we'd got onto the track. I didn't know; I'd given up clock-watching long ago.
Tom started to go crazy, screaming at the trees, crying, apologizing to them, only to fall down again and try to cuddle up in the snow. Each time, I had to pick him up and push on, and each time it got a little bit harder.
We came across a row of small sheds, visible only because of the flatness of the snow on top of their angled roofs. We still couldn't see further than about fifteen feet and I didn't notice them until we were right on top of them.
I fumbled excitedly for the flashlight, leaving Tom on his knees, shouting at the trees that were coming to get him.
It seemed to take for ever to press the switch. Soon my fingers wouldn't be able to perform even a simple task like that.
I shone the light around and saw that the sheds were made of wood and built in the form of a terrace, the door of each facing onto the track.
Most were clamped shut with old rusty padlocks, but one was unlocked.
After kicking the snow away, I pulled it open and turned round for Tom.
He was curled up in the snow on the track and pleading to be allowed to sleep. If he did there would be no waking up.
As I gathered him in my arms, he lashed out with his final reserves of strength. He was having a fit. It was pointless struggling with him; I simply didn't have the energy. I let him drop to the ground and, gripping his hood with both hands, pulled him along like a sleigh, stumbling backward and falling over with the effort.
I didn't talk to him any more; I didn't have the strength.
The door was so low that I had to bend down to get in, and the roof wasn't much higher, but the instant I was out of the wind I began to feel warmer. The shed was about eight-feet square, and the floor was cluttered with bits of wood and brick, old tools and a rusted shovel with a half-broken shaft, crap from over the years lying on a frozen mud floor.
Tom just lay where I dropped him. As I put the flashlight down to give me some light I could see him curled up in a ball, his hands exposed, wrists bent as if he had suddenly developed severe arthritis. His short, sharp breaths mixed with mine and looked like steam in the flashlight beam. Not long now and he would be history unless I got a grip on myself and sorted him out.
If only this was a hunter's cabin, not a rail worker's shed. It's the custom in extremely cold climates to leave kindling in huts so that someone in trouble can rewarm themselves quickly. It's also the custom to leave a box of matches with the ends sticking out so that frozen, numb fingers can grasp them.
I got my gloves off and started to fantasize about warm train cars and hot mugs of coffee. I dragged over a lump of wood that looked as if it used to be part of the paneling. I then played about with my Leatherman with shaking hands, trying to pull out the blade. Once my soaking gloves were back on I started to scrape at the edge of the wood. I wanted to get to the dry stuff underneath.
Tom filled the room with his screams and cries. It was as if he was speaking in tongues.
I yelled just as loudly, "Shut the fuck up!" but wherever he was, it was a place where he couldn't hear me.
Once I'd cut away the damp stuff and exposed the dry wood I started to scrape thin shavings onto the shovel face. This was the under. My hands hurt as I tried to keep a firm grip.
Tom's body had started jerking around in the corner of the hut. We both needed to get this fire burning soon, but I couldn't rush what I was doing or I'd fuck up completely.
Next task was to cut kindling, a stage up from under, so that larger bits of wood could then be placed in the fire and stand a chance of catching. I picked up any sticks of wood I could find, and also pulled off some of the roof lining and tore it into strips. It would burn well because it was partly coated with tar. Then, with the rest of the small bits of wood, I started to make fire sticks, cutting very thinly into the side of the wood and pushing out the shavings until each piece looked as if it had grown feathers.
Tom was no longer thrashing around on the floor. Mumbling incoherently to himself, he was kicking out, as if fending off an imaginary attacker. It was pointless talking to him. I needed to concentrate on building the fire. Survival training might not be my strong suit, but I knew about fire. It had been my job to make up the one in the front room every morning before my stepdad got out of bed, otherwise it was slapping time. Usually it was slapping time anyway.
Once I'd prepared about five fire sticks I stacked them around the under like tepee poles. Then I got out my pistol, taking off the magazine and pulling the top slide to eject the round in the chamber.
Using the pliers of the Leatherman, I eventually pulled the heads off the three rounds and poured the dark grain propellant onto the under.
My hands were shaking as I poured, trying my best to get it over the wood and not the mud. I left the third round half full of propellant.
Tom's frenzied movements had dislodged his hood. Placing the round carefully on the ground so I wouldn't lose its contents, I got up and crawled over to him, my muscles protesting now that they'd had a rest. My cold, wet clothes clung miserably to me as I moved.
I got hold of his hood and tried to pull it back on. He lashed out with his arms, shrieking stuff I couldn't understand, his hands flailing around and knocking my hat off. I collapsed on top of him, trying to control him as I got his hood back up and my iced hat back on.
"It's all right, mate," I soothed. "Not long now. Remember to dream.
Just dream." But I was wasting time here. It was heat he needed, not bullshit.
Crawling back to the shovel, I dug inside my glove for the compass silk, held it in my teeth and cut some off with my Leatherman scissors.
Then, using the screwdriver, I rammed the cut silk into the half-empty case as wadding on top of the propellant.
I loaded the round into the weapon, pointed it at the ground, and fired. The signature was a dull oomph.
There was no reaction from Tom as I knelt on the ground to pick up a glowing, smouldering bit of silk. Once it was in my fingers I waved it about gently to fan the glow, then put it into the under. The propellant flared, lighting up the whole hut. I must have looked like a witch making spells.
Once the under had caught, I started inserting more little bits through the fire sticks into the flame. It wasn't yet giving out much heat; that wouldn't happen until the under was hot enough to ignite the fire sticks. I got in close and blew gently.
The fire sticks started to crackle and hiss as they released their moisture and smoke. I could smell burning wood. I fussed around the flames on my hands and knees, carefully placing wood for the best effect as the hut filled with smoke and my eyes started to water.
The flames were now higher and threw dancing shadows on the walls of the hut. I could feel the heat on my face.
I had to get more wood before all my good work was undone. I looked around and gathered up as much as possible from what was to hand. Once I'd established the fire, I'd be able to venture outside into the howling wind for more.
I kicked the door open slightly to get rid of the smoke. It let some of the wind and snow whistle in, but it had to be done. I'd block up most of the gap as soon as I could.
Tom was much quieter. I crawled over to him, coughing smoke from my lungs. I wanted to see if there was any wood under him or in the corner. There was; only a few twigs, but it all helped. I couldn't make a big fire as the hut was too small, and besides, we wouldn't need it; the walls were so close that the heat would bounce straight back on us anyway.
I checked the flames and started to feed on some more wood. "Not long now, mate. We'll be getting our kit off in a minute because we're so hot."
My next priority woul
d be a hot drink, to get some heat directly to Tom's core. Placing the rest of the wood near the fire to dry it out, I turned and looked at his face. "Tom, I'm just going to see if I can find something to heat snow in for a "
He was lying too still. There was something very odd about the way his legs had now curled up to his chest.
"Tom?"
I crawled back to him, pulling him over and getting the hood off his face. Illuminated by the flames it told me all I needed to know.
Tilting his head toward the fire, I pulled open his eyelids. There was no reaction to the light. Both pupils stayed as fully dilated as a dead fish's. It wouldn't be long now before they clouded up.
I could hear the fire sucks now collapsing on each other, with glowing embers as well as flame. It was a wonderful sight, but it was too fucking late.
I tried his carotid pulse. Nothing. But that could be just my numb fingers. I listened for breathing and even tried his heart. Nothing.
His mouth was still open from when he had taken, or fought for, his last breath. I gently closed his jaw.
It was time to think about me. Pulling off my wet clothes, I wrung them out one by one before putting them back on.
I sat and fed the flames some more, knowing there were still things that I should do to him. I should try to resuscitate and reheat him until I was so exhausted I couldn't carry on, in the million-to-one chance he could be revived. But for what? I knew he was dead.
Maybe if we'd dug in for the night once the weather had closed in he would still be alive. We would have been in a desperate state in the morning, but maybe he would have survived. Maybe if I hadn't pushed him so hard to get here, or had realized what condition he was in and had stopped earlier. All these questions, and the only thing I was certain of was that I had killed him. I had fucked up.
I looked at his limp body, its mouth reopened, his long hair wet against his cheeks, the ice crystals on his peach fuzz now melting down his face. I'd try and remember a gabby but happy Tom, but I knew this image was the one that would stay with me. It was going straight to the top of the list of my sweaty, guilty, wake-upintheearly-hours nightmares. When I was put into the counseling program the Firm sets up for operators now and again, I'd told the shrinks I didn't have them. I was talking shit, of course. Maybe it was a good thing I was going to be part of Kelly's treatment now. I started to realize I might need it just as much as she.
