by S. R. Grey
Nothing stops us, though. We know the way.
At last, we reach the edge of a soaring cliff. It’s the same cliff Jaynie jumped from on that fateful and final night.
She lets out a shaky breath and squeezes my hand. “This is it, Flynn. This is where we parted.”
Suddenly choked up with emotion, memories race at me as fast and furious as the dark water rushing below. I raggedly confess, “I didn’t know if I’d ever see you again after that night.”
Jaynie turns to face me. She takes my other hand in hers. “I wasn’t sure I’d survive that jump, either. The water was so cold.”
She shudders and I lift her hands to rest on my shoulders, my own hands finding purchase at her tiny waist.
“You did it, though, sweetheart,” I say in a hushed tone. “You survived it all, Jaynie. The jump, the water, the journey to Lawrence… And now we have our life together, just like we always planned.”
She peers up at me, shaking her head. When she finally speaks, her voice is nothing short of pained. “I wasn’t supposed to be so broken, Flynn. I never dreamed I’d end up so fully and utterly fucked-up.”
Tears form in her eyes, turning the depths a placid green. I lose myself there for a minute, until I have to force myself back to the present.
“You’re not fucked-up,” I adamantly declare. “And you’re not broken. You’re a girl who’s been through a lot. And you’re healing. You are. It doesn’t happen overnight, you know?”
“I know,” she says. “But I haven’t been doing much healing lately, have I? It seems for every step I take forward, I take three or more steps back. The wounds just keep ripping open wider and wider, no matter how much fixing we try to do. And what if we turn up nothing in the barn? Where does that leave me, Flynn?”
Not finding anything worthwhile in the barn is a real possibility, but I’m sick of leaving our future in fate’s hands.
“How do we stop that from happening?” I ask, desperate for answers, desperate to help this girl I love. “Your pain is mine, Jaynie,” I say, feeling myself break further. “I feel when you’re hurting. I feel when you’re sad. I feel you right now, in fact, and I know you’re fucking dying inside, despite everything we talked about that night”
“I’m trying,” she sobs. “I’m trying so hard, for you. It just isn’t working as fast as I’d like.”
“So how can I help?” I ask. “I want to do something. I’ll do anything I can to make your pain stop.”
Grasping at my shoulders, her fingers digging into my flannel shirt, she hitches the material up.
Tilting her head back, she closes her eyes, and whispers, “Make it stop, Flynn. You have the power. In this place, you could always make me forget anything and everything. That’s why I wanted to come up here before we do anything else. That’s why you had to be with me. I need you to do what you always did to make the pain stop. Make me stronger so I can endure whatever happens, good or bad.”
I know exactly what Jaynie wants, what she craves. Near the end of our time in this godforsaken place, when life started to turn really bad, we’d sneak up to this secret spot to be alone. And once we were by ourselves, we found solace in becoming one. We felt like we were dead inside, but coming here and making love made us feel alive.
She whispers, “Please, Flynn, give me back my life.”
I lean down and touch my lips to hers, soft nipping kisses and then, more urgently. I nudge her mouth open, allowing our tongues to touch. Those deep kisses make me hard in no time, and I hoist Jaynie up so she can wrap her legs around me.
With my hands in her hair and our lips locked, I back her toward the copse of pines where we’ve shared all of our secrets and every inch of our bodies so many times before.
When I lay her back on a thick bed of soft pine needles, we finally break apart. Both of us are panting, and Jaynie is frantically pushing her leggings down over her feet. She digs her heels in the ground and slips off her sneakers, and then I toss everything off to the side.
Bare from the waist down, Jaynie spreads her legs and shows herself to me. “Flynn, look how much I want you.”
I groan, because God, does she ever. All wet and pink and… “Shit. I’m right there with you, baby.”
I shimmy out of my jeans and boxers, my rock-hard want for her springing free. Slowly, I lower my body to hers and with one shift, I’m home.
“Jaynie… God, Jaynie.”
I want to go slowly, but I can’t. She can’t either. Urgency and the need to find healing to reaffirm this life we share overtake us.
For each frenzied thrust I give her, she rises to meet me. Her hands ply at my ass, urging me to go faster. I do, and soon her cries of pleasure are echoing off the tall pines as they watch us engage in a dance as old as time.
This is what Jaynie wants, and this is what she needs. She whispers those exact words to me, over and over. Maybe I need this too, this act of love that feels like we’re confronting everything that’s been holding us back from moving on.
This is so much more than what it appears.
This is the two of us going back to where we were.
This is us pulling ourselves out of the past, a past that was at once dangerous and full of death.
And this is us grasping at a future, one that is safe and full of life.
Jaynie
I’m on a high when Flynn and I leave the forest. I don’t even care that we spent too much time in our secret spot and now the light of the day is dying. I needed that closure and healing, the kind only Flynn could ever give me, and only in our place. I needed it before we move on to the real reason why we’ve come to the Lowry property.
Despite what’s ahead of us—searching for evidence of a young girl’s demise—I feel better than when we first arrived. Now, I have the fortitude to do what we must. And even if this newfound feeling lasts for only a few hours, I know in my heart that healing is finally within my grasp.
We won’t always need to come to the forest to find peace. Flynn is the key, and I can be with him here, or anywhere, and find that love. It was always here, and within me; I just needed to awaken it.
Hand in hand, Flynn and I emerge from the woods and make our way down through the fields. I can’t help but glance over at my ruffled-hair boy and smile. His hair is mussed because of our time in the forest. It reminds me of old times, and better yet, the happier times ahead.
“You look like you’re feeling better,” Flynn remarks, one brow raised when he catches me staring.
“Hmm, I wonder why that is?” I squeeze his hand and add, “Seriously, though, Flynn. I know now that I’m going to be all right.”
“I’ve always known you’d be fine,” he replies. “I’ve always believed in your strength.”
“Thanks, Flynn.”
I feel so good, confident even, but some of that positivity dissipates when we reach the barn where we used to toil away the days. Memories of starving and being forced to work for hours on end slow me to a skidding stop in front of the big, sliding wooden doors, which now stand ajar and askew.
Despite my hesitation, I know I can do this.
Sighing, I nod to the wreckage in the dark, cavernous recesses of the barn. “I guess vandals got to this place too.”
“Yeah,” Flynn replies. “Remember how I told you that after my first trip back here.”
“Yeah, I remember now.” I nod, recalling how Flynn also shared with me how he kicked the shit out of one of the old work tables, simply to relieve all the stress coming back had brought him.
“I kind of feel like kicking something myself right now,” I say under my breath, too low, by choice, for Flynn to hear.
“Hey, you know what…?” He lets go of my hand and turns to me. “Maybe we should come back another day. I think it’s too dark now to see much of anything, and I sure as hell don’t want you to trip over something and get hurt.” Softly, he adds, “I think this place has caused you more than enough pain.”
“There’s no
need to be concerned about my mental health,” I counter, giving voice to what he’s really trying to convey.
“It is something to consider, Jaynie.”
He has my best interests at heart, but I decided when we were up in our secret spot, and when we were out in that lot off the ramp, that I’m no longer going to run and hide.
“You told me the other day that I was strong,” I remind him.
“You are.”
“So?”
“Yeah, okay, but why push it?” He grabs my hand once more. “Come on. Let’s just get out of this place.”
Not angry, but needing to stand my ground and let Flynn know I’m done with being a prisoner of fear, I twist from his hold. “No, Flynn. We have to do this, okay? I have to do this. And I can. I finally can.”
He searches my eyes, and seeing the truth, he finally relents. “Okay, Jaynie.”
He then slides one of the heavy doors open the whole way, only to reveal more darkness and the stench of spilled booze from all the partying that’s occurred up here since this place was shut down.
Wrinkling my nose, I mutter, “Yuck. Let’s just get in there and see what we can find as fast as we can.”
In the end, though, Flynn turns out to be correct. Not about thinking we should’ve left in order to protect my emotions. No, I hold up just fine in the barn. It’s something simpler—the lack of lighting in the building—that makes searching nearly impossible.
But, first, we do try.
Among the eerie shadows of turned-over tables and busted-up chairs, we look here and there. Even so, we find not a single shred of evidence to indicate a girl was ever buried in the barn.
The only thing of interest I do come upon, like a sad blast from the past, is the going-away card the twins made for Mandy last summer. They never had the opportunity to give it to her, however, since Allison kicked Mandy out of the house in the middle of the night, days before her planned departure that would’ve fallen on her eighteenth birthday.
“Check this out.” I hand the folded piece of ivory parchment over to Flynn. “Remember when I found this card last fall?”
He nods, turning the paper over in his hands. “Yeah, I remember.”
“Well, I meant to save it for Mandy back then.” I sigh. “I guess that day I found it, I wasn’t thinking straight. I must’ve set it down and forgotten about it. Shit, Flynn, I was so out of it by then I don’t even recall doing that.”
“There was a lot going on at the time,” he reminds me.
I shiver, and it’s not from the cool evening air. “There sure was,” I quietly agree.
I glance away, and he clears his throat. After a beat, he unfolds the card, revealing Cody and Callie’s pastel-inked heartfelt messages to the girl they’ve viewed as their mom long before they ended up in Morgantown with her.
We love you.
See you soon.
We promise to be on our best behavior so we can come live with you.
Don’t forget us, Mandy. You’re our mommy now.
Even in the near-darkness of the barn, I don’t miss the tears that form in Flynn’s eyes.
“I’m so glad the twins are with Mandy,” I murmur.
“Yeah,” he rasps, “I am too.”
I wrap my arms around him as I reach over and glide my finger over the twins’ sweet words. “We should take this with us and give it to Mandy, like I originally planned.”
“We definitely should,” Flynn says, before folding up and pocketing the card.
Before we depart we conduct one final search of the premises.
Coming up empty-handed the second go-round, Flynn insists we leave. “We’ll come back another day,” he says. But it’s uttered with little conviction.
I nod and agree, but the truth is, despite feeling better than I have in a long while, we need a break from this place. Healing may have been found up in the forest, but we need time for it to set in, like fresh oils on a painting.
As we depart, our return looms imminent.
But it will not come tomorrow… or the next day… or the day after that.
Flynn
Jaynie is healing, finally. And it’s a real kind of healing, not a back-and-forth dance between the past and the present.
I find out quickly that with healing comes change. Good, positive change and more than just one. There are changes for both of us, in fact.
One early morning, following a night with not a single nightmare, she and I come to a decision.
“I think we should ditch our secret stashes of food,” I declare. “We should start living like normal people. What do you think?”
“Yes,” Jaynie says, putting up no resistance. “I’ve actually been thinking that same exact thing.”
This is good, really good.
We don’t toss the food; that would be a waste. What we do decide to do is leave all the candy bars out in the open, on prominent display on the nightstand.
Fuck, that’s still rough.
The next morning, as we’re leaving for work, Jaynie remarks, “Shit, this feels weird. Leaving all our candy bars out in the open like that.”
“We have to stay strong,” I remind her.
“Yeah, I know.”
When I still sense hesitation, I add, “It’s not like someone’s going to come in our room and steal them.” I sound far more confident than I feel as I hurry Jaynie out through the door and lock up behind us. “We and Bill have the only keys,” I go on. “And Bill would never let himself in to our apartment, not as long as we still live here.”
“I know,” she replies. “But it still feels strange, Flynn.”
“I know, babe. But we’ll get used to normal soon enough.”
Hours later when we return from our jobs, the candy bars are still on the nightstand.
“See, I told you they’d still be here,” I say, taking a seat on the edge of the bed.
Truth is this is a relief for me too.
Jaynie plops down next to me. “Well…” She reaches over and grabs two of them. “We may as well eat a couple.”
She hands me one of the chocolate bars, and once we have them unwrapped I tap mine to hers. “Cheers,” I say.
Laughing, she asks, “And just what are we toasting to?”
“How about…” I think it over, and come up with, “Let’s toast to healing?”
“I’ll agree to that any day.”
So we toast and we eat chocolate. And afterward, we make love.
And the healing continues….
Jaynie draws up a cleaning schedule, one that is reasonable and includes me helping out. I’m all too happy to agree with sharing the cleaning duties. “After all, it’s only fair,” I say. “I live here too.”
“Yes, you do, mister,” Jaynie retorts, clearly teasing. “About time you start carrying your weight around this joint.”
I give her a mock-salute. “Yes, ma’am, you are correct. I have been remiss in my duties to keep our apartment in tiptop shape.”
We bust out laughing, but I know what’s real. Jaynie is only adding me to the cleaning schedule to keep her on course.
No matter. Whatever works for her is cool with me.
The new schedule works out great. Well, mostly. The only times Jaynie has an urge to compulsively clean is after she’s had a nightmare. Luckily, her bad dreams have lessened considerably. We deal with only one a week, sometimes two.
And that, my friends, is much better than one every night.
Jaynie
I’m feeling good. Really good. My life feels like it’s been returned to me. But sometimes it’s weird to make my own decisions. I spent so much time under the care and authority of others that it feels odd not to have to ask all the time, “Is this okay?”
One thing I do want input on, however, Flynn’s input specifically, is a decision I must make at the end of May.
“Hey, I need to ask you something,” I say to Flynn one weekend morning when we’re lounging around in bed.
He leans
over and kisses my forehead. “What’s up, babe?”
I sit up. “I received a call from the women’s clinic the other day.”
“Okay…and…?”
“It was a reminder call that it’s time for me to go in and get another birth control shot.”
I look down and away, but Flynn tilts up my chin so he can see my face. “What do you want to do?” he asks.
I sink down into the pillows and turn to him. He lies down as well, putting us face-to-face.
“I don’t know if I should bother,” I say. “I mean, the doctor was pretty adamant that I will never be able to have kids. So really, what’s the point of staying on birth control?”
“None that I see,” he says quietly, his voice resigned.
God, I still feel so bad that I’ll never be able to give this great guy kids. And damn it, Flynn would be so good with our children. How he is when he’s with Cody and Callie shows me as much. He deserves to have children of his own someday, and I can’t help but feel guilty, knowing I will fail him on that.
“Flynn…” I close my eyes, unable to look at him. “I’m so sorry,” I choke out.
“Hey, hey, stop.” He gathers me in his arms. “It’s all right. Everything is fine.” Stroking my back, he reassures me that I am all he will ever need or want. “In this lifetime, or in any other,” he adds.
That leads me to my decision, finally. “I don’t want to get another shot.” I lean back so I can see Flynn’s face. “I may never get pregnant, but I don’t want to actively avoid it. Are you okay with that, though?”
He nods. “Yes, of course.”
And so it is decided.
With all this healing, I begin to feel more outgoing. I start to think about one thing I’ve wanted to do for a long time. I just never felt up to it, until now.
I want to meet Crick, Flynn’s friend. He’s a part of Flynn’s life, and I should get to know him. I inform Flynn of my desire, and together we make a plan to meet up with Crick the very next evening at a diner halfway between Lawrence and Forsaken.
On the way to the place, I confess, “I’m so nervous.” My knees bob up and down. “I hope Crick likes me.”
