“Is this your floor? You pushed three when we got in.”
“Oh. Yes. Sorry.”
I fumbled with my keys when I unlocked the door to my apartment. Once inside, I spun around holding my hands out. “This is your tour. You can pretty much see most of the place from here.”
Carter set our bags down and looked around. “Very nice. It’s modern but warm. It suits you.”
“Thank you. My neighbors on both sides work at the airlines, too. Gabby is in 310; she’s a flight attendant at Delta. Max in 314 is a pilot at American. We barbeque together once in a while on the rare occasion that our schedules are in sync.”
I caught Carter’s jaw tense. “A pilot lives next door?”
“Yes.”
He nodded.
The fact that he was restraining his comment made me offer more. “He just turned fifty-three and is thinking about retiring to Florida. Maybe when he gets a little older, he can be your neighbor.”
“Wiseass.”
I kicked my shoes off and walked to the refrigerator, grabbing us some drinks. “Speaking of Florida. How’s your posse? Muriel, Bertha, Gordon?”
Carter’s face fell. “Gordon’s not doing too good, actually. Had a stroke about four months ago, and the physical therapy isn’t going as well as they hoped. He lost complete use of one arm, and his speech is still pretty slurred.”
“That’s terrible. I’m so sorry. Does he have any family at all near you?”
“None. I took a few weeks of vacation after it happened to help him out. But when I’m gone for four or five days, he doesn’t get out much. Muriel and Bertha take turns looking in on him, but they can’t lift him. The physical therapist comes to the house to do his exercises, but other than that, it’s been tough on him.”
“He’s lucky he has you.”
“You mean Brucey.” Carter smiled.
“Yes, his wonderful son, Brucey.” I hesitated before continuing, unsure if I should be so forward. Ultimately, I decided what I wanted to say was about Carter and not us, so I said it. “You know…that first time we went to visit Gordon, and I realized that you were not only taking care of a man who was once a stranger to you, but you were letting him call you Brucey and filling the void of missing his son, that was the moment I admitted to myself that I was in love with you. Because you weren’t just this beautiful man on the outside who was fun to spend time with, you were just as beautiful on the inside.”
Carter stared at me. When he spoke, his voice was hoarse. “If you really loved me, how could you have left me, Kendall?”
Ashamed, I looked away. “I don’t know.”
“Do you regret it now?”
“I’ve regretted it every day since I left you in that airport bar.”
“So why didn’t you do something about it? You knew where to find me. You knew where I worked, where I lived…you knew everything there was to know about me for Christ’s sake.” He raked his fingers through his hair.
Even though I’d asked myself that same question over and over for the last year, I still had no answer. “I don’t know. I’m sorry, Carter.”
After a few tense minutes, Carter spoke. “Are you hungry? Do you want to order something? Or do you want to get some sleep? You must get up early to work the shuttle.”
“I’m actually really tired.”
“Okay. So let’s get some sleep.”
I looked around the apartment, oddly unsure of what our sleeping arrangements would be, even though we’d just been intimate in the car. “I can sleep on the couch if you want. You can have the bed.”
Carter walked to me, he lifted my chin so our eyes met. “I’m confused about a lot of things that have to do with us. But wanting to share a bed with you is definitely not one of them. If you’re good with it, I’d like nothing better than to sleep next to you again.”
“I’d love that.”
His hand at my chin moved to cup my face, and he leaned down so that our noses were almost touching. “And another thing. When we wake up, I plan to fuck you on that bed we’ll be sharing. Only this time, it won’t last two minutes like it did in the parking lot.”
I swallowed. “I’d love that, too.”
“Good. Now let’s get you some sleep. Because you’re gonna need it.”
CARTER AND I WERE sitting on the rooftop deck next to an electric heater that doubled as a light post. It was a little after midnight, and I was curled into him on the wicker couch with a blanket over us. He hadn’t been kidding around when he’d said that the second time we were intimate, it was going to last more than two minutes. After an hour and a half nap, we spent three hours going at it in my bed. I was sated and content as he stroked my hair, and we both stared up at the stars.
“I met your mother.”
Well that got my attention. Surely, I never expected those words to come out of Carter’s mouth. I pulled my head back to look at him. “Did you just say you—”
“I met Annabelle.”
“Where? How?”
“I went to Dallas after I found out that the baby wasn’t mine. I needed to see you.”
“How did you get the address?”
“It’s not hard to find people on the Internet, Kendall. I mailed her a letter, and she never responded. My therapist told me I needed closure, so I decided to take a chance and went to the address that I’d sent the letter to.”
There was so much in that answer that I had more questions about. Therapist? Closure? But my curiosity about dear old mom won out. “What did she say to you?”
He shrugged. “Not much. She basically said she didn’t know where you were and insinuated you left her destitute.”
“I sort of did. My lifestyle wasn’t the only one to drastically change by the decisions I’ve made. I was selfish in making my choices.”
Carter grew angry. “Fuck that. You weren’t the selfish one. She had no right to expect you to go through with that crazy clause your grandfather put into his will. When I thought there was a chance I could be a father, at first I did a lot of thinking about what that would mean for me. Then one day I was standing at the front of the plane greeting passengers and a couple boarded with a baby. I didn’t know them, but I looked at that little screaming blue-eyed monster and realized how it affected me didn’t matter anymore. I wouldn’t have much to give my kid, but I would give him the best of me no matter what. Anyone can father a child, but a good parent puts a child’s needs before his own. A parent should be selfless, not selfish. What your mother expected you to do was selfish. She should never have pressured you.”
“Wow. It sounds like you were really prepared for that baby to be yours.”
“I don’t know about that. But I decided if that’s the way it turned out, I was going to give him my all.”
“Him. She had a boy?”
“Yeah.”
It was dark, but I saw pain in Carter’s eyes. “It hurt you when you found out he wasn’t yours, didn’t it?”
He nodded. “I didn’t expect that. But, yeah, it did. As much as I didn’t want to have a baby with her, I’d somehow started to care for the unborn child.”
I lifted to my knees to look him straight in the eyes. “You’re an amazing man, Carter Clynes. Someday you’re going to be an incredible father.”
THE NEXT MORNING came too quickly. Even though I didn’t have to be at work until the following day, Carter had an afternoon flight, and he still had to get back to New York before that. I found myself looking at the time every few minutes while he was in the shower. When he came out with his airline-issued pilot’s shirt and pants already on, rather than in the towel I expected to see him in, I was disappointed.
“I was looking forward to seeing your body all wet after the shower, you know.”
He sat on the bed and pulled on his socks. “I can’t be half-naked around you. That would wind up with me half-naked inside of you. And I need to get to the airport if I’m going to catch the ten o’clock shuttle back to New York and make my flig
ht.”
We still hadn’t talked about what was going to happen after he left today. Were we back together? Was this just physical for him? I knew he still loved me, yet I had the distinct feeling that he wasn’t as sure about wanting to be with me as I was about him. It would be painful if he didn’t want to try again, although it might be what I deserved after running away from him when he needed me most.
I broached the subject hesitantly. “Will you be in Boston anytime soon?”
He looked at me and shook his head without saying anything. My heart sank.
“How about New York? You must have a layover in New York on your schedule.”
He slipped one of his large feet into his shoe. “Haven’t checked.” When he was done getting dressed, he stood and zipped his suitcase. “We should probably get on the road in case there’s traffic.”
I nodded and somehow managed to keep my tears at bay. Swallowing them down my throat as I dressed left a large lump of emotions clogged in my chest.
Just like the drive from the airport yesterday, the trip to the airport was silent. Every single minute that ticked by was making it harder and harder to focus. We’d only just found our way back to each other, and I wasn’t ready to lose him again. I didn’t need a commitment, but I needed to know that this was the beginning of something. That we’d try to figure things out. Yet as I exited the highway into Boston’s bustling airport, it was beginning to feel more like the end than the beginning.
Oh my God.
Was it the end? Was this the closure he’d talked about with his therapist? It was a good thing we were almost to the terminal drop off because I was fighting the palpitations in my chest and beginning to feel a hyperventilation-style panic attack coming on.
I parked at the curb and stared straight ahead. I knew if I looked at his face, I was going to lose it. Carter was watching me intently; I could feel it.
“Perky…”
Tears began to fill my eyes, and I refused to let them spill over. My hands gripped the steering wheel so hard that my knuckles turned white.
He continued, “I had a great time.”
Hearing the start of his blow off, my sadness suddenly morphed into anger. “Don’t you dare, Carter. I know I screwed up. But don’t you dare spend the night with me and then give me the Captain Carter Clynes flight attendant blow off special.” I finally turned to face him. “I love you. I never stopped. And I know down deep you still love me, too. So don’t cheapen what we have by treating me like one of your harem…one of your flight attendant fucks. Tell me it’s over if you want, but give me that much respect at least.”
Carter hung his head. His voice was soft and strained when he spoke again. “I’m sorry. That’s not what I meant to do.”
Just then, a loud knock on the passenger window startled me. It was airport security telling us we needed to drop off and move along. Carter told him we’d be done in a minute and then reached for my hand. “I’ll call you. Okay, beautiful?”
“When?”
Again, he looked away. “I don’t know.”
I wanted so much to savor the last kiss he gave me. But I couldn’t. Everything was numb. He brushed his lips softly against mine and then cupped my face in both hands. “Yesterday,” he whispered.
I smiled and nodded. The Beatles summed up our moment perfectly. Love coming back made Yesterday seem so much easier. But what would tomorrow bring?
“THIS IS YOUR SECOND VISIT in a week. Did something happen to bring you back here today?” Dr. Lemmon asked.
“I can’t sleep.”
“Is the trouble falling asleep or staying asleep?”
“Both. I have this incredible energy inside of me, and I just can’t seem to get rid of it.”
“How do you normally burn off excess energy?”
“That’s not an option.”
Dr. Lemmon nodded like I’d just given her the answer even though I hadn’t said shit. “So let’s talk about that. Am I wrong in assuming that in the past you used sex as a way of relaxing yourself enough to rest?”
“You’re not wrong about that.”
“And when you say it’s not an option, I’m assuming that isn’t in the literal sense. You’re a good-looking pilot. Options must be boundless.”
“No, I didn’t mean there weren’t any options. I meant I wouldn’t be taking any of the available options.”
“So it’s been what, a week now since you and Kendall spent the night together?”
“One week today.”
“And it’s been three days since you were here.”
“You want me to put this crap on a calendar for you?”
Dr. Lemmon smiled. “No, I think I got it now. Have you spoken to Kendall recently?”
“Just that one time I already told you about. When she called me.”
“What night was it when you spoke to her, again?”
What the hell was with this woman and her dates today? I thought back. I’d just landed in Florida from my Dubai flight when she called, so it must have been Tuesday. “Tuesday.”
“And you spoke for about an hour, if I recall correctly.”
“Give or take, yeah.”
“And how did you sleep that night?”
Let’s see. Kendall and I had spoken the entire drive home and then while I made a sandwich in my apartment. I’d woken up the next morning still in my uniform at almost ten. “That was my last good night of sleep. But I was tired from a long flight.”
“Did you fly yesterday?”
“I did.”
“For how many hours?”
“Nine.”
“And how many hours was the flight you were tired from when you spoke to Kendall that night you slept well?”
“About the same.”
Dr. Lemmon just stared at me.
“So you’re saying that I can’t sleep without talking to Kendall anymore?”
“I’m saying that the two are very likely connected. You’re feeling anxiety. Unsettled. Nervous. All of which is keeping you from sleeping. Is there any other reason for you to be feeling this way, other than how you left things after your encounter with Kendall?”
It annoyed the shit out of me that she was so right. “No.”
“Well there you go.”
“So what am I supposed to do? Call her every night so she can sing me a lullaby?”
“You already know what you need to do.”
“So what the hell am I paying you for if I already know all the answers?” I let out a frustrated sigh.
“You need to make a decision to either move forward with Kendall or cut ties. We talked about this the other day. I can help you sort out your thoughts and figure out your next steps, but only you can make the decision on whether to be with the woman you love or not. You have trust issues with Kendall. It’s understandable. She left you once, and you’re afraid she’ll do it again when things get tough.” Dr. Lemmon took off her glasses and rubbed her eyes. “Carter, Lucy had a disease.”
“Lucy? We’re talking about Kendall here, Doc.”
“The two are very much intertwined. In our previous sessions, you admitted you felt like Lucy took the easy way out with her suicide. That is a common misconception of the loved ones left behind. But the truth of the matter is that people who commit suicide believe there is no other choice. Depression is a disease, not unlike asthma, measles or the Plague. If left untreated, they all get worse, and eventually the disease takes the life.”
I raked my fingers through my hair. “Okay. But I don’t understand what this all has to do with Kendall.”
“You’ve had two special women in your life. Lucy, who you perceive left you when things got tough. And Kendall, who did the same. You’re afraid of it happening again.”
I wasn’t sure she was right, but I felt drained and wanted the conversation to move on. “So bottom line, I need to make a decision on whether I can trust Kendall again, or I’m never going to sleep?”
Dr. Lemmon chuckled. “I can pr
escribe you something to help you sleep at night in the short term. But other than that…shit or get off the pot.”
Shit or get off the pot? I was paying two hundred and fifty dollars an hour for advice my father gave me in third grade.
I WAS AFRAID TO TAKE the sleeping pills. Even though I’d filled the prescription, the warning label had cautioned against driving heavy machinery for twenty-four hours after taking the medicine. I’d say my Boeing 747 qualified as pretty heavy machinery, and since I had a flight tomorrow afternoon, I needed to find other ways to wear myself out to get some sleep.
After running five miles around the outskirts of my development, I decided to stop in and check on Gordon again. Unfortunately, the visit had only made me feel worse. I wasn’t an expert by any means, but he seemed to be deteriorating a little more each day. His ankles were constantly filled with fluid, and tonight he had trouble wiggling his toes on one foot. Even though it was after hours, I’d called his doctor to give him an update. He’d basically told me that I should just try to make sure he was comfortable, that there wasn’t too much more they could do for a man of Gordon’s age and health.
It was late by the time I arrived back at my apartment. Feeling an intense sadness over how things were progressing with Gordon, I wanted nothing more than to pick up the phone and call Kendall. Other than Dr. Lemmon, she was the only person I’d ever really opened up to in my life. I knew she’d understand how I felt. But that wasn’t fair to do to her. I needed to figure out if I can see a future for us before unloading my depressing shit on her.
The fucked up thing was, I didn’t know how to see a future for us. Yet I couldn’t see a future for me without her. I was stuck in purgatory. Story of my life.
At midnight, I decided to pack my bag for my flight the next morning. Muriel had washed and starched all of my uniforms, even though I’d told her it wasn’t necessary a million times. What I loved about the people here at Silver Shores was that they knew they needed help at times, yet they never wanted to take it for free. It made them feel good to barter things I could use in return. They were good people.
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