“Yes.” He was equally honest. “But I know it wasn't entirely my fault. I worked too hard and I neglected my wife, but I loved her and I was a good husband, and I wouldn't have left her. So some of it is my fault, but not all of it. I don't feel nearly as responsible as I used to.”
“That's encouraging. I still feel so damn guilty.” She hesitated and then decided to tell him. “…And like such a failure.”
“You're not. You just have to tell yourself that it didn't work. The next time it will be better,” he said confidently, and this time she laughed.
“Oh, 'the next time.' What makes you think there'll be a 'next time'? I'm not that dumb … or that brave!” And besides, with a baby on her own, who would want her? She still couldn't envision a future with anyone except Steven. But Bill sat back and hooted at what she'd said to him.
“Are you serious? Do you really think this is it? At thirty-one, you think it's all over?” He looked more amused than sympathetic. “That's the silliest thing I've ever heard.” Particularly for a woman who looked and thought and behaved the way she did. Any man in the world would have been lucky to share his life with her, and he would have been more than happy to try it.
“Well, you haven't done it again.” She looked at him searchingly and he smiled.
“You're right. But I've never found the right woman.” He had also been pretty careful not to.
“Why not?”
“Scared,” he admitted to her. “Busy. Lazy. Not in the mood. A lot of reasons. Besides, I was older than you are when I got divorced. I already had two kids. And I knew I didn't want any more children. That took away some of my incentive to look for someone to marry.”
“Why not? No more kids, I mean.”
“I don't want to have kids and lose them again,” he said, almost sadly. “Once is enough. I couldn't do this again. It tears my heart out every time they go back to New York. I wouldn't be willing to take that risk again now.” She nodded, thinking that she understood it.
“It must be rough,” she said sympathetically.
“It is. Rougher than you can imagine.” And then he smiled tenderly at her, and for a moment she wanted to tell him about the baby.
“Sometimes life is more complicated than it looks,” she said cryptically.
“That's for sure.” He wondered what she meant but didn't press her. He had a feeling that more had happened with Steven than she was willing to tell him. Another woman, another man, some special kind of heartbreak or disappointment.
They talked for a long time that night, sitting close to each other, looking into the fire. It was a cool night and he had lit it early on and it was still burning. The children never stirred, and they were both tired, but neither of them seemed to want to leave the other. They seemed to have a myriad of things to talk about, experiences to relate, opinions to share, and as the night wore on, without thinking, Bill seemed to move closer to her. It was an expression of how he felt about her, and she didn't seem to object, and suddenly near midnight, he looked at her and couldn't remember what he'd been saying. All he could think of was how much he wanted her, and without thinking, he reached out and touched her face with both his hands, and murmuring her name, he gently kissed her. She hadn't been prepared for it, and she was totally surprised, yet she didn't push him away or move. And she found herself kissing him back, and then longing for him as he held her. And then finally, she pulled away and looked up at him sadly.
“Bill …don't …”
“I'm sorry,” he said, but he wasn't. He had never been happier in his life, never wanted a woman more, never loved anyone as he loved her. He loved her with all the emptiness and longing of the past seven years, and all the tenderness and wisdom of his full forty. “I'm sorry, Adrian … I didn't mean to upset you. …”
She stood up slowly and walked across the room, as though she had to pull herself away physically so she wouldn't do something foolish. “You haven't upset me.” She turned and looked at him regretfully. “It's just … I can't explain it … I don't want to cause you pain.”
“Me?” He looked stunned. “How could you possibly cause me pain?” He walked toward her and took her hands in his own, looking deep into the blue eyes he already loved so dearly.
“Take my word for it. I have nothing to give anyone just now. Except headaches.”
He smiled at her. “You make it sound very appealing.” He wanted to kiss her again, but he forced himself not to.
“I'm serious.” And she looked it. She was a lot more serious than he knew. She didn't want to burden anyone with the responsibility of her baby. If Steven didn't want it, then she had no right to burden anyone else with it, certainly not Bill, who had his life and his hands full with his own children. And he had already told her he didn't want more. This was her problem, and no one else's.
“I'm serious, too, Adrian. I didn't want to rush you, because I know the divorce has been a tremendous blow.” He looked down at her and everything he felt for her seemed to pour through him. “Adrian … I love you. I know this sounds crazy, and it hasn't been long, but I do. I'm not going to press you, and if this is the wrong time, I'll wait …but give it a chance, please …give me a chance.” He was whispering and then he couldn't stop himself from doing it again. He kissed her. And at first she tried to resist him, but only for a moment and then she melted into his arms again, knowing that she was falling in love with him too. But she couldn't. It wasn't fair. She was breathless and looked worried when he stopped and he only smiled and touched her lips with his fingers. “I'm a big boy. I can take care of myself. Don't worry about upsetting me. I can wait till you sort things out with Steven.”
“But that's not fair to you.”
“It's even less fair not to let this happen. We've been drawn to each other like magnets since we met. Call it kismet, destiny, fate, call it whatever you want. But I feel as though it was meant to be. And I don't want to lose that. You can't run away from it, and I'm not rushing you. I'll wait. Forever, if I have to.” It was quite an offer and she was touched to her very soul. She felt the same way about him, but the baby changed everything for her. She had to give Steven a chance to come back, if he changed the mind. And she had to devote all her love and energies to the baby. And it wasn't fair to walk into Bill's life pregnant by her previous husband. It sounded too much like the bible for his show, and she almost groaned as she thought of trying to explain it. “I promise, I won't try to force anything. I won't even kiss you again while we're away if you don't want me to. I just want to be with you, and get to know you.”
“Oh, Bill.” She slipped into his arms again and he held her for a long time, and she wanted to stay there forever. He was everything she had always wanted, except that he wasn't her husband, or the baby's father. “I don't know what to say.”
“Don't say anything. Just be patient with yourself, and with me. And give it time. And then we'll see. Maybe we'll discover that it's not right and it never will be. But at least let's give it a fair chance. Okay?” He looked down at her hopefully as she thought it over. “Please …”
“But you don't know …there's so much you don't know about me.”
“What can it possibly be that's so terrible? You cheated on your husband? What terrible secrets are you hiding from me?” He was teasing her to lighten the moment, and she smiled. It wasn't a terrible secret, just a big one. A baby. “I can't believe that there's anything so awful lurking in your past, or even your present, that would change how I feel about you.” She almost laughed at that, remembering how strongly Steven had felt about the baby. But this was not Steven, it was Bill, and she almost believed that he really loved her. But taking her on pregnant was asking too much of anyone, even Bill. She just couldn't do that. “Why don't we just let things ride for a while, relax, enjoy our holiday, and when we go home we can get serious about things, and talk everything over. Is that a deal? Shall we keep it light till then? And I'll behave myself. I promise.” He held out his hand to shake hers and ove
rcame, with difficulty, another overwhelming desire to kiss her. “Agreed?”
She shook his hand reluctantly and smiled. “You drive a hard bargain.” But she was glad. For a moment, she had been tempted to go back to L.A. to get away from her own desire for him, but she was glad that she hadn't.
“And don't you forget it.” He wagged a finger at her. “I play for keeps,” he whispered as he turned off the lights, and a few minutes later, they both went to bed, with their own thoughts, and the memory of the passion that had almost been unleashed between them. But they both knew it was there now, and even if they controlled it, sooner or later it would have to be dealt with. He was a serious man, Adrian knew, and a serious force to contend with.
THEY DROVE TO SAN FRANCISCO THE NEXT DAY, AND they stopped in Carmel on the way, and browsed through the little shops, talking and laughing, and Adrian bought little odds and ends for the boys. But today, Bill was fairly quiet. He was thinking of the night before, and wondering what it was that she was so worried about, why it was that she was so certain he would reject her. He knew it had to do with her marriage, or her divorce, and he wondered what it was that she wouldn't tell him.
But by the time they reached San Francisco, he had relaxed again, and he was feeling better. They went to Fisherman's Wharf, rode the cable cars, visited Ghirardelli Square, and stopped at every possible tourist attraction. It was an exhausting two days, and Adrian looked pale when they finally headed for the Napa Valley.
“You okay?” Bill asked softly the morning they left. He was driving, although she had offered to take a turn at the wheel, but he wanted her to relax and enjoy the drive through Sonoma. There were fields of wild-flowers and vineyards, cows and sheep and horses grazing in fields, and beautiful tall trees that shaded them as the road turned, and they could see the hills in the distance. “You look tired.” He was worried about her. She seemed to tire very easily, and she would grow pale, although she seldom complained about it. But she seemed healthy on the whole, she ate well, and she was always in excellent spirits. After their serious exchange on the second night of the trip, he had forced himself not to get too close to her, or tackle any serious subjects. She knew how he felt about her now, and he easily sensed that she felt the same, but he also knew that something was stopping her, and he wanted to give her plenty of time and space to resolve it. The one thing he was sure of was that he didn't want to lose her.
She was also wonderful with the boys, and they had never been happier with any of his friends. They teased her mercilessly, and Tommy loved to tickle her, and play with her hair and climb all over her just to let her know that he liked her. They were crazy about her, and they looked like a perfectly normal family as they made their way through the Napa Valley. They stayed at a cozy Victorian inn, visited several wineries, and drove slowly north, after a hot, sunny afternoon gliding in Calistoga. She wouldn't go gliding with them, but Bill didn't press the point, nor would she go in the hot-air balloon he rented to show the boys the rest of the Napa Valley at sunrise. She insisted that she hated heights and absolutely refused to do it, and he had a feeling there was more to it than that, but she wouldn't say what and he didn't want to ask her. The boys were disappointed that she wouldn't go, and she tried to make light of it. And then, without thinking any more about it, they headed for Lake Tahoe. She shared the driving with him, but she liked to stop every couple of hours to stretch her legs. She said she got too stiff if she drove for too long without stopping. So they stopped at the Nut Tree on the way up, and again at Placerville, and the boys had a great time riding the train at the Nut Tree.
They reached Lake Tahoe on Friday afternoon, and the mountain air was cool and beautiful, beneath a cameo-blue sky with little puffs of white cloud chasing each other across the mountains. It was perfect.
They easily found the campsite they had reserved, and Bill set up their tents. He had a larger one for him and the boys, and a smaller one he had bought especially for Adrian. He set them up side by side, and Tommy announced he wanted to sleep with her, which was going to be very cozy, but she seemed very flattered. They had all been wonderful to her, and in some ways, she felt as though she didn't deserve it. She was driving herself nuts weighing everything, thinking of what they meant to her, and yet feeling that at some point she would have to pull back. She couldn't get involved with Bill, if she was going to have the baby. And yet, she couldn't seem to stay away from him. All she wanted to do was talk to him night and day, and look at him, and enjoy his company and feel his warmth somewhere near her. She kept finding herself standing next to him, brushing hands with him, wanting to feel his hands on her face again, and his lips on hers. And all she could do was look at him and wish that things were different. She didn't regret the baby inside her, but she found herself regretting that the baby wasn't his, wishing that life had dealt them a different hand, and she had never married Steven.
“What were you thinking about just then?” She had been standing still, staring into the woods, and he had been watching her. She had looked so sad that it worried him, like her occasional pallor.
“Nothing …” She didn't want to tell him. “Just dreaming.”
“Yes, you were thinking about something. You looked so sad.” He touched her hand for an instant and then pulled away. He had to keep reminding himself not to touch her, and it was anything but easy. He wanted to tell her again that he loved her, but he knew he had to wait, until she was ready to hear it.
He went on setting up the tents, and Adam helped him expertly. They did a very fine job, and then Adam and Adrian went to buy groceries while Bill and Tommy “set up camp.” They were having a great time, and Adrian loved it. They bought steaks for Bill to barbecue, and hot dogs and marshmallows, and lots of good things for breakfast. Adrian was beginning to feel as though they were eating night and day, and she was becoming distinctly aware of her expanding waistline. In the week they had been gone, she had outgrown almost everything she had brought with her. It wasn't so much that she had put on weight, but suddenly her shape had changed radically, almost overnight, and their first night there she had to borrow one of Bill's big bulky sweaters. He didn't seem to mind, or to notice the reason for it, for which she was very grateful. She didn't want him to know, and she was still wondering how she was going to cut things off when they got home. It wasn't fair to continue tormenting him, or herself, and she couldn't begin a romance with him while she was pregnant. Maybe afterward, if they just stayed friends. Maybe then, if he knew about the baby, then maybe it would be fair …she thought about it constantly, and he could see that she was deeply troubled.
“You're doing it again,” he whispered as they sat by the campfire that night, after a delicious dinner. The boys had sung songs until they fell asleep, and they were both in Bill's tent, but Tommy swore he was sleeping with Adrian the next night.
“Doing what?” she mused, sitting close to him and staring into the fire with a distant look. It had been a lovely evening.
“Thinking about something much too serious. Every now and then your eyes get sad. I wish you'd tell me what's bothering you.” It upset him that she shut him out at times, yet most of the time they had never been closer.
“Nothing's bothering me.” But she wasn't convincing and he wasn't convinced.
“I wish I believed you.”
“I've never been happier.” She looked him in the eye and he believed her, and yet he knew she was also preoccupied about something. She was worrying about the baby. How she would take care of it. What it would be like being all alone with it …giving birth with no one there to support her. As the baby grew, it became more real to her, and she was beginning to get worried. And she was afraid of losing Bill, and yet she knew she had to. It was inevitable once he knew, if not sooner. And suddenly, as she thought of all that, there were tears in her eyes, and Bill saw it, and without saying a word to her, he pulled her into his arms and held her.
“I'm right here for you, Adrian …I'm right here., for as lon
g as you need me.”
“Why are you so good to me?” she said through her tears. “I don't deserve this.”
“Stop saying that.”
She felt so guilty toward him. It wasn't fair misleading him and not telling him about the baby, and yet she couldn't. What could she tell him? That she was here on a camping trip with him and his children, and she was falling in love with him, and yet she was pregnant with Steven's baby? How could she? And then suddenly she was laughing through her tears at the absurdity of it all. It was a ridiculous situation.
“Where were you a few years ago anyway?” She laughed and he smiled in answer to her question.
“Making a fool of myself as usual. But better late than never.” The trouble was that he was too late.
She nodded, and they sat that way for a long time, holding each other, and looking into the fire, but this time he didn't kiss her. He wanted to, but he didn't want to upset her.
He suggested they go to bed finally, and helped her into her tent, and then got into his sleeping bag in his, and a minute later he heard a noise, and she was standing next to him, looking worried.
“What's wrong? Are you okay?”
“Yeah,” she whispered nervously, “I heard a noise over there.” She pointed into the distance outside his tent. “Did you hear it?”
He shook his head, he had already been half asleep when she woke him. “No, it's nothing. Coyotes maybe.”
“Do you think it could be a bear?”
He grinned at her, wanting to tell her it was ten of them and she'd better get in his sleeping bag to stay safe, but he didn't. “I don't think so. And the bears around here are pretty tame,” despite an occasional disaster, but usually then the bears were teased, they seldom if ever attacked unprovoked, and she wasn't provoking anyone but him, standing there in her blue jeans and his sweater. “Do you want to sleep in here with us? It'll be a tight fit, but the boys will love it.” She nodded, looking like a kid, and he smiled at her as she settled down in her own sleeping bag next to him, and she fell asleep, holding tightly to his hand as he lay next to her, and watched her.
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