Beware of the Purple Peanut Butter

by RL Stine

  “How could you be my cousin?” Dora is sobbing. “No! No! You’re an alien!”

  The crowd frightens Dodo the elephant. Dodo drops you. Right on top of a cotton-candy machine. You are covered with the sticky pink stuff.

  It’s no use. No one will listen to you. You duck out of the tent and take off running.

  I can cover more ground than anyone else, you reassure yourself. I’ll be far away from that angry mob in no time.

  And then you hear the sirens.

  Go on to PAGE 121.

  You reach the bus stop just as the bus for home pulls up. You try to drop a coin in the slot, but it sticks to your hand. The bus driver has to pull it away from your skin.

  You have a growing suspicion that you know what the side effect of the magnetron treatment might be. When you find yourself stuck to the metal seat at your stop, you’re sure.

  The magnetron restored you to your normal size, all right. But it also changed your magnetic field. Somehow, it’s turned you into a human magnet!

  Metal is now attracted to you. As you stroll home from the bus stop, metal objects jump off the sidewalk onto your legs. Parking meters and lampposts bend in your direction as you walk by. They look as if they are bowing.

  This is kind of cool, you think. You turn to face a bent-over lamppost. “I am the Great Magnetron!” you announce in a grand voice. “Ruler of all I see!”

  You could have some fun with this.

  Do you head straight home? Then turn to PAGE 53.

  Or if you want to see what other magnetic possibilities you have, go to PAGE 131.

  You break off a piece of cake and dunk it in the blue liquid. You’re sure Kermit used blue liquid to make things shrink in Monster Blood III.

  You take a bite of the cake. Please work, you think, please —

  And then, suddenly, you feel as if you’re falling.

  You gasp and glance around — you are falling!

  You’ve suddenly become small again — all at once. And you’re falling, straight toward the open Dumpster.

  SQUOOOOOSH!

  You land right in the middle of the smelly, soft, slimy, disgusting cake. But you don’t care. You climb out of the Dumpster and thank Effy.

  “You’re very welcome,” she replies. She hands you a towel. While you’re wiping yourself off, she ducks inside the bakery. She returns with a big box of chocolate cupcakes. “Here you are,” she says. “A treat to take home to your aunt and uncle.”

  “Thank you,” you reply. You take the box and start home.

  But as soon as you’re out of sight you throw it away. You didn’t want to hurt Effy’s feelings — but you’re sick of chocolate cake!

  The next time you’re hungry, you decide, it’s brussels sprouts and broccoli for you!

  THE END

  You were born in the last half of the year. You leap onto the remote. With all your weight, you land on button six.

  The laser gun explodes with a loud BANG! Pieces of glass and metal rain all over the laboratory. In terror, you dive under a magazine. When pieces of the laser gun stop falling, you crawl out.

  You’re still tiny. It didn’t work.

  Dr. Abbott is upset. “I can’t believe it!” he mutters. “I was sure those were the right settings.” You’ve decided that Dr. Abbott is the stupidest scientist you’ve ever met.

  “I have another idea,” he tells you. “I’m sure this one will work.”

  “Thanks anyway,” you tell him. You’re sure you’ll be safer finding help somewhere else.

  “Don’t leave me,” the scientist begs.

  You climb down the table leg. “I’ll come back when I’m the right size,” you assure him. “Maybe I’ll be able to help you.”

  You hurry out of the lab. You overhear a student telling someone her address. She will be going right past your uncle’s house. You sneak into her backpack and hitch a ride.

  You can’t think of anything else to do but try to track down that jar of purple peanut butter.

  Turn to PAGE 58.

  Nailed on the door of Maddy’s Bakery is a big sign that says OUT OF BUSINESS.

  Sadly, you stand up. Maddy’s was your only hope.

  Now you notice that the noise around you has grown louder. Much louder. You glance around in horror.

  In front of you are a dozen police cars.

  Behind you are three tanks and an armored personnel carrier from the National Guard.

  Behind them is a big red van you’ve never seen before. On its side is painted ALIEN RESEARCH INSTITUTE.

  Overhead small planes and helicopters buzz.

  You hear a loud SQUAWK! and then a loudspeaker comes on.

  “We’ve got you surrounded, alien!” a hollow voice cries.

  “I’m not an alien!” you cry. “I’m a human kid!”

  Now the red van opens. A skinny man with thick glasses steps out. “I’m Dr. Harlan from the Alien Research Institute,” he shouts through a megaphone. “I’m here to take you to our museum for study.”

  “I don’t want to be studied!” you reply.

  “Too bad,” he says. “You’ll never get away. Surrender now — or we’ll be forced to capture you!”

  Will you give up? Surrender on PAGE 42.

  Or try to get away on PAGE 123.

  Dora turns her head back and forth, admiring her reflection. You’d hate to be the one to tell her that she looks like a clown. You climb into the makeup box and wait. After a moment she reaches for an eye pencil. You grab onto the pencil. She’ll have to pay attention to you now.

  She picks up the pencil, then stops.

  “AAACCCKKK!” she screams. “A gigantic, ugly bug!”

  Before you can protest that you’re not a bug, she shakes you off the pencil. You drop into the sink.

  “Dora!” you cry.

  But it’s too late.

  She’s turned on the water.

  The ice-cold water hits you. Like a waterfall, it pushes you down. You struggle against it, trying to breathe. You try to swim, but the current is too strong. And then you begin to spin, faster and faster.

  You feel yourself being pulled down, down….

  You open your eyes and see a huge silver circle approaching.

  It’s the drain.

  You’re about to be swept down the drain!

  Go to PAGE 85.

  You glance around quickly to make sure no one is watching. Then you push open the basement door and start down.

  The stairs are old. They creak with every step you take. Cobwebs brush your face.

  What could be down here that’s so dangerous? you wonder.

  You reach the bottom of the stairs. The floor is so dusty it looks as if it hasn’t been cleaned in a hundred years.

  Feeble daylight filters through a big, filthy window at the back of the room.

  You start to explore.

  But there’s nothing much to see. Mostly old, dusty, worn furniture. Old couches, old chairs, an old mattress. An old refrigerator and stove, both covered with rust, sit in one corner.

  Nothing dangerous. Nothing even interesting. But being down here is better than getting pounded by Barney.

  You sit in one of the old armchairs and wait. Sooner or later Barney and Dora will get tired of their game. Soon it will be safe to go back upstairs.

  There’s only one problem.

  A big problem.

  Turn to PAGE 14.

  Those annoying pink dots! That creepy tingling in your fingers and toes.

  You’re still shrinking.

  Now when you try to open the cupboard door you find it’s much too heavy for you. You’re not sure how small you’ve become, but the pots and pans now seem as big as cars.

  What can you do? If you don’t leave the cupboard you’ll never be able to find the refrigerator and return to your true size. At this rate, you will have shrunk down to nothing before lunch!

  “Help!” you squeak. “Help!”

  Even if you were your normal size, you
realize, no one would be able to hear you with all the racket coming from the TV.

  Luckily, it’s not totally dark in the cupboard. But why not? You glance around. You notice something you hadn’t seen before. In the back of the cupboard you spot a small hole. Pale light is streaming in through it.

  Maybe you can escape through the hole!

  You crawl over a pile of pan lids toward the hole. You’ve almost reached it when you hear a hideous scratching sound. A moment later a huge, furry head begins to push through the hole. Yikes! What is it?

  Turn to PAGE 127.

  You’ve decided to tell the police what happened.

  The police car pulls up. Two blue-uniformed officers climb out. “We’re here about the broken window,” the taller one says. “Did any of you kids see who did it?”

  The other kids look down at the ground. The red-haired pitcher scuffs her foot in the dirt.

  “I did it,” you announce, stepping forward. “But it was an accident. It was my very first home run.” The officer studies you for a minute. “How old are you, kid?” she asks.

  You tell her and she looks surprised. “You’re awfully big for your age,” she says. “You’d better be careful. You don’t know your own strength.”

  “I’ll be careful from now on, officer,” you promise.

  “We’ll let you go this time,” she says, getting into the car. “Since it was your first homer.” She winks at you.

  What a relief! You watch the patrol car drive off.

  “Come by and play tomorrow,” the red-haired pitcher calls after you as the game breaks up.

  You return to your relatives’ house, and you notice something very strange. The porch roof is at least two inches closer to your head than it was when you left.

  Is this really only a growth spurt? you wonder.

  Go on to PAGE 95.

  You run along the highway median, headed for Maddy’s Bakery. On either side, you hear the crashing of cars as drivers gawk at you. At last you see a big green highway sign: ELMVILLE, 23 MILES.

  Twenty-three miles is no problem for you. It shouldn’t take more than ten minues or so.

  With police and army cars speeding after you, you follow the highway. At last you see a sign for Elmville. By now the helicopters have caught up to you again. You wave your arms at them, swatting them away as if they were mosquitoes. If only they would leave you alone!

  You turn toward the town, and quickly scan its tiny buildings till at last you find one that says “Maddy’s Bakery.”

  Maddy’s is a tiny brick building with a brown shingled roof. You kneel in the parking lot, and bend your head so you can see the bakery more clearly.

  But what you see causes your heart to sink into your toes.

  Turn to PAGE 69.

  Plan B begins. The police cars and tanks suddenly back away. The roof of the red van peels back. Some sort of bizarre weapon pokes out from its roof.

  “This is your last chance, alien!” Dr. Harlan shouts. “Will you give up peacefully?”

  “I’m not an alien!” you explain. “I’m a kid!”

  “Your time is up!” Dr. Harlan shouts. “Activate the web gun.”

  They’re going to shoot you! Help! You turn to run.

  BOOM!

  Something heavy falls over your head. You try to pull it off, but thick strands pin your hands to your sides. The more you struggle, the tighter the strands wind around you.

  In horror, you realize that the gun shot a big net all around you. Now the strands wind around your feet. You feel yourself start to topple to the ground.

  “Congratulations, alien!” Dr. Harlan’s voice cries. “You’re the first creature to be captured by our artificial spiderweb!”

  Somehow, you don’t feel honored.

  Oh, well. That’s what happens when you become too wrapped up in adventure.

  THE END

  “I’d like to try the magnetism,” you tell Dr. Abbott.

  “Excellent,” he replies. “I think you have a good chance for success. There’s only one drawback….”

  “What is it?” you ask anxiously.

  “Never mind,” he says briskly. “Compared to your present problem, it’s minor.” He wheels over one of the big machines from the corner of his lab. A label on its side reads SUPERMAGNETRON.

  The machine is as tall as Dr. Abbott. It’s covered with dials and buttons. A long tube as wide as a person runs right through the center of the machine.

  Dr. Abbott picks you up and gently places you in the center of the tube. You feel very tiny inside the huge machine.

  “Hold very still,” he instructs you. “No matter what you hear or feel, don’t move!”

  You hear a metallic click, and then a loud buzzing noise. The tube begins to vibrate, faster and faster. You try to hold still, but it’s like trying to stay still during an earthquake. The buzzing grows even louder.

  It’s so loud you can’t hear anything else. Your eardrums feel as if they’re going to burst! And then, everything stops.

  Did it work? Turn to PAGE 63.

  The coin came up the same way three times. You guide your boat straight toward the waterfall.

  How horrible could a waterfall in a sewer be, anyway?

  You soon find out. Your Popsicle stick is sucked into the white water. You hold on as tightly as you can. SPLASH!

  You’re forced over the waterfall and into a long, wide pipe. You grip the Popsicle stick with your arms and legs. You tumble end over end through the dirty, rushing water.

  You choke as water rushes into your nose and mouth. Just when you’re about to drown, you reach the end of the pipe.

  You climb back on top of your Popsicle boat. The swift current is now rushing you toward a big machine. The machine makes hideous grinding noises.

  And then you realize what the waterfall was.

  It was the main pipe to the sewage treatment plant!

  You and the Popsicle stick are about to be ground into tiny pieces!

  Up ahead you see the sharp metal teeth of the grinder.

  GRRRRRRR! GRRRRRRR!

  There’s no way back. Only forward.

  Too bad — this adventure is grinding to an

  END

  There’s got to be a logical explanation. Maybe you didn’t notice how much Dora has grown. Maybe you’re losing weight. Maybe you’re just imagining things.

  “You’re looking awfully thin, dear,” Aunt Fiona tells you at supper that night. “Have some more mashed potatoes.”

  “Yeah, wimp.” Barney grins. “Eat some of my food while you’re at it.” When his mother isn’t looking, he dumps his broccoli on your plate.

  You ignore Barney. Because you’ve just noticed something disturbing. The table seems a lot higher than it used to be.

  Something really bizarre is happening to you.

  I’ll feel better after a good night’s sleep, you think.

  That night you have weird dreams about pink dots and tingling toes. And the next morning, when you climb out of bed, your pajama bottoms fall off your body onto the floor!

  What is happening? you wonder in a panic.

  You pick up your pajama bottoms and examine them. They are exactly the same as they were last night.

  Of course they are. Because you now know what the problem is.

  Your pajamas haven’t gotten bigger. Dora hasn’t grown and your watchband hasn’t stretched.

  You have shrunk.

  Turn to PAGE 50.

  You stick out your tongue and lick up the teeniest, tiniest bit of the herbal powder. It’s such a small amount, you don’t even taste anything as you swallow.

  You hold your breath, waiting for something to happen.

  But nothing does.

  “Notice any difference?” you shout down to the clown.

  “No.” He shakes his head. “But at least you aren’t growing any bigger. Maybe you have to wait for it to work.”

  “Maybe,” you agree. But you can’t help being disappointed
. Maybe you should eat the rest of the mixture. You start to lift your hand to your lips when you suddenly hear a familiar noise —

  Sirens and helicopters!

  Oh, no! The police have found you!

  Should you eat the rest of the mixture?

  Before you can decide, a helicopter swoops down outside the tent. Its rotors blow the rest of the mixture out of your hand.

  The herbs are lost forever on the wind.

  You duck out of the big top and start running. You have to get away!

  Run to PAGE 41.

  You sit up and glance down at your feet. No wonder you tripped. Your toes have burst through the front of your sneakers!

  You yank off what’s left of the sneakers. You wiggle your squished toes. You’ve heard of out-growing shoes. But you never knew it could happen so fast!

  You hurry into the house to find new shoes. You pass through the kitchen, where your aunt is packing her briefcase for work. “Why are you barefoot?” she asks.

  “I think my shoes shrank,” you answer. You show her the ripped sneakers.

  “Perhaps you’re just having a growth spurt,” she offers. “You look a little taller.”

  Up in your room, you study yourself in the mirror. You do look bigger. Maybe even a couple of inches taller than you were yesterday.

  Your shoes are all too short. You have to borrow an old stinky pair of Uncle Harvey’s sneakers. They are a little too big for you, but they are comfortable. You’re just tying the shoelaces when Dora sticks her head inside the room.

  “I saw you in the basement,” she announces. “And I’m telling!”

  Turn to PAGE 129.

  You have to get to the dump and you have to get there NOW!

  Barney is your only hope.