So he stood still. He forced himself to freeze. And wait. Until the door had opened, and it had closed. Then he knew she was gone.
He knew she was safe.
He had no desire to run after her - he knew that the way he was feeling was not good - it was not sane - and it was best that she get away from him. He would deal with facing that situation later, when both of them were in a more relaxed state to talk properly.
Right now he had to focus on Lexi - and only Lexi. The news was out there. The whole country would be keeping an eye out for her. She might be hiding right now, somewhere new - even in the house of someone new - but eventually she would have to come out, and by then people would easily recognise her. Not only that, but the person she was with - whoever that was - if anybody - would have to hide and not come out with her, because if they did, they would be immediately arrested for abduction. It wasn't a claim that would stick, of course - if not alone, Lexi would be with someone she wanted to be with and once she talked to the police she would simply say that she was with that person willingly. That was okay - he had purchased the phone with cash long ago, in case he ever needed a burner phone for any purpose - and had destroyed it directly after he had called the police anonymously with the story of her having been abducted.
At one level he did know that he had acted too rashly, and the whole thing was going to come back on him, revealing the lengths he had gone to, simply to find her. The police and media resources he had used for his own selfish purpose. But it was done now, and he could not undo it. All he could do now was sit back and wait … she would come back. And she would see him when she did.
He would see her. He would explain the depth of his love for her. He would even leave Diana for her. He would divorce his wife, and then he would be free to marry her. And then they could be together every single day, without having to hide their love for one another.
Suddenly he sat down on the vast sofa and then lay down along the length of it, on his back. He let his mind wander to the pleasant thought of being able to see her every single day. To go to sleep with her in his arms every night. To wake up and see her face every single morning. They had never actually slept together. They had never spent an entire night together. But now they would be able to.
It was completely unrealistic, he did know in the depth of his mind, but for now he was willing to lie there and let the dream flow over him.
Even thinking about her now, like this - knowing it was unlikely he would ever see her again, if he was completely honest with himself - he found himself highly aroused at the possibilities. He did not think Diana would come back so he could lie here right now, without any further waiting, and think about touching Lexi, as he touched himself. But he didn't want to risk that - he had never been so blatant in their home before and he would not do it now. Instead he took himself off to the bathroom and ran the shower.
As he undressed he realised that he had not indulged in self-pleasuring for at least a couple of years. Usually he was highly self-controlled, and on the days when he did not see Lexi, Diana was always there. Between the two of them, his needs had been completely catered to over the past three years, and there was no need for anything more. And before he had met Lexi, Diana had been sufficient for his needs. That and his dedication to working day and night, every day of the week, to grow the company. That had been his obsession then. Lexi was his obsession since.
But now … now he needed release. She was on his mind and he could not get her off it - he didn't want to get her off it. He wanted to tune out everything but her. Right now he didn't care about his wife. He didn't care about his company. All of that could wait. It was Sunday. No-one needed him for the business. And his wife certainly didn't need him - for them to be near each other right now really would be explosive, and not in a good way. No, today he would grant his mind access to where it wanted to be - not where it should be. Today he would indulge.
He stepped under the water and turned the temperature up higher than normal. He needed to feel its heat on him, and he took his time, firstly just feeling how it felt on his skin as the hot water hit his head, shoulders, back, buttocks. Then he turned and felt it on his forehead, cheeks, chin. Pushing his head back he felt it hit his chest and run down onto his belly. Even at 45 he was toned with no sign of big gut beginning yet.
He ran his fingers lightly over his nipples and squeezed them, remembering how it felt when she sucked on them - pulled them - bit them. The action didn't make him any harder - he was already upright and as hard as he could ever be, even before he had gotten under the water. But squeezing them did make his hardness twitch. He didn't want to touch himself there yet - he didn't think it would take long at all to climax if he did, and he didn't want to waste it. Already he could feel the hot water hitting it, and he enjoyed the feeling of that. It felt like her fingertips did, when they reached out to him and lightly fluttered across him, teasing him as she sometimes had…
The water suddenly didn't feel hot enough so he turned it up again. He looked down and could see how red his skin was becoming in the heat, but he felt no pain in it. It was a comfort - a satisfaction.
He wanted to touch himself but he didn't. Instead he reached up and pulled the shower head from its cradle and brought it down, using his hand to guide the direction of the water flow. He brought it directly to his nipple - one hand on the shower head, pointing the flow at it, and the other squeezing the nipple hard. He changed hands so he could give equal attention to the other nipple, now starting to hear himself let out a small groan. Even if he was the only one at home, he could not bring himself to be as loud as he felt he really wanted to be, given how he was feeling. It was different when he was with Lexi - then he let himself be as loud as he needed to be, and she had never tried to stop him, or tease him about it. In everything she just accepted him as he was - as who he was. She must love him so much, to accept so much about him.
It did not even occur to him that she did what he wanted - and let him do what he wanted - out of fear. That she was terrified of what he would do if she didn't do what he wanted.
He moved the shower head around his body, and back to his buttocks. He had not considered that area an area of pleasure through most of his adult life - until he had met her. But as he stood there, he thought of his time with Lexi, and he used one hand to pull one buttock cheek aside, as he directed the hot water directly onto his anus. It wasn't a new feeling - it wasn't something he had not tried before - and he liked it. He could feel himself so close to orgasm now, even though his hardness was not in any way being stimulated.
He held the water there, not afraid of the feelings the flow was invoking in him. Through his parted legs he could feel the water move further, hitting the underside of his scrotum, and the combination of the hot water hitting both areas was enough to almost make his knees buckle.
He knew he was at his limit - he physically couldn't take any more.
Letting go of the buttock cheek he had been holding, he let the water stream remain where it was, stimulating his anus and scrotum at the same time, while he moved his free hand around to his front. Instead of putting his hand completely around himself, he closed his eyes and imagined Lexi was in front of him, touching him with just the very tip of her tongue. Just the way she had looked that very first time. To simulate that, he touched only one individual finger tip to the very head of his cock, and that was all it took. The image in his head of her tongue starting its journey, as it had perfected so well over the time they had known each other, was enough to drive him to a sweet - and incredibly intense - climax. He dropped the shower head as he reached out with both hands to steady himself, after he felt his knees start to go. His eyes were closed - he didn't need to see to know how much semen was being shot out of him in that moment. For several minutes he felt aftershocks - one tiny little squirt, accompanied by another little mini-orgasm - over and over again.
He stayed in the shower for a long time, even after the pleasure of his muscl
es contracting had subsided. Picking up the shower head and putting it back in its cradle, he then took time to just stand under the flow, feeling the hot water hit his head and flow down his back as he let his head fall forward slightly, and waited for his thinking to come back to normal. He had needed the sexual release but now he had to get his head together, he knew.
A part of him didn't want to face anything real right now. It was tempting to just stay where he was - within the enclosed walls of the shower, with no-one from the outside world able to penetrate his privacy. He didn't want to see anyone. He didn't want to deal with anyone. He just wanted to be alone, and all of a sudden the thought of being a nobody appealed to him greatly.
He could do that, he thought to himself. He didn't need the wealth that came from being owner of the company. He didn't need to work at all. He could just disappear - they could just disappear - together. Once again he let himself indulge in the fantasy - Lexi running away with him and the two of them starting a new life together. It was a nice fantasy - the two of them - two unknown people in the world. Except that he wasn't unknown. And no matter what he did, there would always be an element of expectation that someone would have something to say about him - and that would flow on and affect her life as well. No, better to continue keeping it a secret.
If only he didn't have to be out in the world as a face of the company so much. He didn't need all the meetings, the presentations, the dinners…
"Fuck!" he shouted to no-one, thinking momentarily that he had been shouting that a lot over the past day or two.
He suddenly remembered the dinner he and Diana were supposed to be attending - a fundraiser. He didn't want to go - not now - but his work ethic was what it was so it kicked in full force and he found himself a professional once again, cursing himself for forgetting, even temporarily.
Quickly he left the shower, had a shave and put on the tuxedo that Diana had already so efficiently hung up on the wardrobe door for him. Beside it was the gown that she was going to wear. Now he didn't know if she would go or not - he guessed not, but then if she had known about Lexi all along and had still continued to stand by him at events such as this…
He didn't take any more time to think about his wife. Whatever she was doing, he still had made a commitment to the charity to be there, so left the apartment with dedication to reprioritising and refocusing. He would only just make it in time, so had chosen to drive himself rather than wait for the time it would take for Toby to arrive, after being called.
Before walking into the event centre, he took a moment in the car to stop, sit quietly, take a deep breath, and look at himself in the mirror. No matter how much his inner self was in turmoil - no matter how much of a mess his personal life was about to explode into - no matter how much he wished he could climb back into that shower and hide from the world - he was who he was, and he needed to be here, in this place right now. Not just in body, but in mind also.
He climbed from the car, entered the benefit room, held his head up high, and put on his best smile, as if this were any other event … on any other day.
4 ~ THE BEG INNING (THREE YEARS EARLIER)
Alexis was serving on the front counter near checkout. She didn't like being on the customer service counter, but today there was no-one else to do it as Cindy had called in sick and, as always, everyone else had not quite refused to fill in, but somehow it had fallen on Alexis. It was only one day, she told herself. And how many customers really would require the attention of the service desk attendant anyway? Not anywhere near as many as would walk through checkout, surely. Perhaps it would be just a nice, easy, uneventful day where she didn't have to really deal with people after all.
The morning passed quickly, with very few enquiries at all, and she began to feel like the end of the day would pass just as quickly, with no real stress at all.
As lunchtime approached she found her stress level take a sharp rise as she saw the supermarket manager walking straight toward her. Not even just generally toward the broad area around the desk - no, he was definitely looking directly at her. 'Oh no', she groaned inwardly to herself.
The manager came closer and Alexis unintentionally straightened herself, standing taller, but at the same time dropping her eyes.
"Young lady," he said to her, reminding Alexis once again that he did not know - nor had ever had any desire to know - her name. "This is Mr Kokiri. He is travelling around all of the supermarkets under his company name and today we are blessed with his company," she heard her manager continue, making her feel sick inside with the level of sucking up she could hear in his voice, in an attempt to impress the man beside him. "Right now he would like to talk to you, so I am leaving him in your hands, and I will be back shortly to guide him wherever he wishes to go after that."
And with that, Alexis was standing in the customer service desk, not knowing what to do or what to say.
Lincoln looked at the young woman in front of him. She looked intimidated and shy - justifiably so, given the wording and manner of the manager who had just spoken to her, Lincoln thought to himself.
When she heard nothing more, Alexis raised her eyes to look at the man who had been delivered to her. He was very well groomed, she noted - she didn't often get to see anyone who wore a suit.
What he noticed immediately were her eyes. She was young, and yet something in her face said that she had known pain in her life, probably as a child.
They were both silent in assessing each other, before he realised she was too shy to speak, and he would have to be the initiator.
"I am Lincoln Kokiri," he said, holding his hand out to her, and seeing her slowly but gingerly take it in her own for a handshake. "I would like to ask you some questions about your work here."
She stuttered at first, overwhelmed by the prospect of actually having to have a conversation with anyone.
"I … I'm sorry but I don't usually work here at the customer service desk so I am probably not the … right person."
He looked at her, seeing in her an innocence and yet a maturity inside of her also … the mixture was quite captivating, he found.
"Actually I just want to ask you some questions about working here in general - in the supermarket. So it does not matter where exactly you usually work, as I am interested in any of the work that you have done here."
She looked shyly at him as he spoke, and nodded silently when he had finished talking.
"Okay."
He smiled at her suddenly, at her nervousness, and then he saw her really look at him - at his face. Although now over 40, and very comfortable in any situation usually, he suddenly found himself … blush. It was a new experience for him. In contrast, though, after he had smiled at her, she seemed to take on a new level of confidence. It was like a little slice of his self-confidence had jumped from him to her.
Very aware of his age and the obvious age gap between the two of them, he reminded himself silently that to her he was an old man, and she was just a child. And he was married - had been for 17 years, to a woman who he loved deeply.
"Can we go somewhere else and talk?" he asked her, feeling like he wanted to whisk her away … anywhere but here.
She immediately fell back into shy territory.
"I'm not supposed to leave the desk," Alexis said, looking around her as if she could already get into trouble, just for talking to him, even though that made no sense since she was doing so under the strict instruction of the store manager.
He did not want to make her uncomfortable so disregarded that chain of thought quickly.
"How long have you worked here?" he asked, and she psychologically prepared herself for an onslaught of questions coming her way.
"Four years," she replied, temporarily surprising and stunning him.
"But you can't be more than 16," he said, finding himself stuttering now, and instantly was horrified at the thought that had finally hit him - she was young enough to be his daughter.
She gained some strength on
ce more and looked him directly in the eye.
"I'm 18. And I've been working here since I was 14. Only after school at first though, and full time over the past year and a half."
Lincoln found himself pulled in again to her confidence. It felt like she had some kind of ebb and flow in her, moving from one extreme of self confidence, to the other of no confidence. And it was intriguing. She was intriguing.
Alexis watched the man before her. She didn't usually look people in the eye, except when she knew that they were going to pass through very quickly and not think about her again. Then she could summon the strength to face them more.
She found that she liked looking at this man's face though. She had no concept of age but he was obviously much older than her - and yet he didn't seem old, either.
For a few minutes they just looked at each other, doing an honest appraisal of each other's faces - lips, eyes…
"How are you getting on?" they both heard a voice say from behind, and saw the store manager returning. "I hope this little lady has been helpful."
Lincoln silently cursed the man for coming back so soon, but immediately turned to the manager, with his most polite smile on.
"She has indeed. I can see that she is a valued and loyal employee, which is what I like to see in our stores," Lincoln said to bring the attention back to him and away from the girl in front of him.
He saw the store manager look from him, to the girl, and back to him again, confused.
"Now I would like to talk to you about…" he continued, steering the store manager away and leaving Alexis alone again.
Painful Deliverance Page 8
