To Alexis it seemed like he had stood and looked at her for too long, even though she had tried to not look too directly at him. She felt Anthony squeeze her hand.
"It's alright, Allie. He was just checking tickets."
She nodded at him and took deep breaths until she could feel her heart relax back into a normal rhythm once again.
~~~~~
Finally the announcement was made that they were at the right spot, and they climbed down from the train. Anthony had been in this town before so had some basic knowledge of it - enough to find his way around.
"Come this way, Allie. There is a guest house in this direction that I stayed in last time I was here, and it was quiet and out of the way."
He checked in, using cash, and then called her to join him as they made their way to the room. He had only booked one room, so that she could stay in it longer if she wished to, after he had left. On entering, Alexis saw that he had asked for a room with two queen size beds, and he looked at her face to make sure that was okay.
"I thought this way we could present as husband and wife, but not actually sleep together," he said, and she saw him look awkward and shy, so smiled at him.
"It is perfect, Anthony. Thank you for doing this for me."
"Well, I shall try not to snore too loudly, but I can't make any promises," he said happily, to try and help her relax.
Alexis pulled the curtains, turned on the lights, and then sat on one bed. It was late now, so nothing more could be done before the morning.
"I think I would like to take a shower," she said shyly, knowing it might not be a good idea to have a bath. She had not wanted to bathe that morning in case anything happened - she didn't want anything to stop her from getting on the train. "Anthony, I will leave the bathroom door open a little, if that is okay with you … just in case," she said to him, and saw him gulp in uncertainty. "Will you please check on me in ten minutes if I am not out by then? I know … it might be … uncomfortable … but I would like you to, please."
Anthony looked at her and understood completely her fear and desire for her request.
"It is fine, Allie. Go and enjoy your shower, and I will poke my head around the corner in ten minutes."
Alexis went into the bathroom and closed the door except for a small gap, so he would hear if anything happened to her while in there. She undressed while running the water until it became warm enough, and then entered. It was an enclosed shower with a hanging shower curtain, so even if he came in, he wouldn't immediately see her. She indulged in the feeling of the water flowing over her, as she quickly shampooed and conditioned her hair, and washed as quickly as she could … just in case.
Anthony watched the clock, silently hoping she would get out before the ten minutes was up, so he would not have to enter the privacy of the bathroom while she was in there. He watched time pass … eight minutes … nine minutes … ten minutes.
Reluctantly he stood up and went to the door, opening it a bit more so he could call out to her from there.
"Allie?" he asked but got no reply, causing a deep sinking inside of him. He moved further into the bathroom, keeping his eyes on his feet. "Allie!" he called out again, and this time was relieved to hear her voice respond from behind the curtain.
"I'm here. I'm okay," Alexis said, grateful not only to him for checking, but for it seeming like this was okay - showering was okay. It wasn't a trigger of any kind. She silently wondered why that was - but she had never had any greatly uncomfortable orders placed on her in the shower, so perhaps that was it. She had shared showers with Lincoln, earlier on, but later he seemed more interested only in so many other things, and had fairly quickly lost interest in the closeness of showering together.
For a moment she thought back to the start. He had actually seemed nice then - even though she embarked on it knowing neither of them would ever be able to tell the world about the time they spent together - she would be his dirty little secret - she had found he was nice to spend time with. At the start he only told her to do things that were what other people normally did during sex anyway. If he had stayed like that - if they had stayed like that - things could have been so different now.
When she had first ran - when she had caught that first bus - she had found the word 'evil' running through her mind as she thought about him. But now she was further away, with distance and time away from him, she knew he wasn't evil. He had good qualities - in many ways he really was a great man. He just got lost somewhere along the way. At some point in their time together he had jumped tracks, and he had simply wanted to go on an entirely different journey from the one she wanted to be on.
Evil? No, she conceded. He wasn't evil - to say so, to think so, wasn't accurate at all.
She just should have said no - a long time ago, she should have simply started saying 'no'.
~~~~~
Anthony, with growing nervousness, kept watching the clock. It passed twenty minutes she had been in there, so he repeated his action - and got the same reply. He did the same at thirty minutes. After that he heard the shower turn off, and minutes later she was walking back into the bedroom area, clothed and with a towel in her hands, drying off her hair.
"I'm okay," she said, smiling at him. While in the shower she had let herself get caught up in thoughts about her time with Lincoln, like it was the next part of her healing process beginning. "Thanks, Anthony."
"For what?" he asked, suddenly finding himself aware of the fact that she was in fact a woman - not that he hadn't known that before, of course - but right now, in this moment, he felt her before him as a woman. He cursed himself on the inside and visualised that thought in a bubble, like in a cartoon, and in his head saw himself kicking the bubble clear away, out of his head.
"For checking on me … and for not peaking," she said and he saw she had a smile on her face - a real smile. Even to him he could see that today appeared to be a normal day - as far as he knew, she hadn't zoned out at all since the big episode in the bath the day before.
"Well it was very tempting…" he teased her and heard her giggle. It seemed so out of place on her, he thought to himself. It wasn't the first time he had heard it, but whenever she giggled, it seemed to him that she was supposed to sound like that, far more often than she did - but because it was so rare, it did sound like a mismatch to her also.
Despite the effort to push out of his mind that she was a woman, he could feel the thought lingering there, and felt it best to do something proactive to get the feeling away from him.
"I'm going to have a shower - no peaking!" he said to her with a smile on his face, but he had other thoughts on his mind now, and had to get them away from her as soon as possible.
Standing under the water he did what he knew he had to, to relieve the pressure that had come on so strong all of a sudden. He grabbed the soap and rubbed his hand on it to get a thick layer over his skin, and then proceeded, as quickly as possible, to stroke himself until he climaxed heavily. He didn't feel the need to release like that very often, but it felt good to do so, and on this occasion, with how he had just been feeling, it took an incredibly short amount of time.
He gathered himself together, dried himself off and dressed before opening the door.
When he entered the bedroom he saw that she had gotten into one of the beds, wearing what looked to be a t-shirt. She was heavily under the covers so there was nothing to tempt his arousal again, for which he was grateful. Now he would be alright for the night, at least.
He turned all lights off except for the bedside one by his bed, and now found himself shy all of a sudden. He looked at her and saw her watching with a cheeky grin on her face, making him smile at her in return. He was blushing, he knew, but didn't mind. It was nice just to see her looking happy … and normal.
"Roll over there, Missy, so I can take my pants off and get into bed without giving you an eyeful," he teased her and for a few minutes Alexis teased him back with a playful look on her face, insinuating she was
n't going to turn away.
He watched her, enjoying this friendly and open interaction without any stress in it, but finally saw her giggle and turn over so her back was to him. Quickly he undressed down to just boxers and t-shirt, and climbed into bed.
"Are you in bed now?" he heard her ask and he confirmed, seeing her turn over again in response. "Now we can have a true sleepover. Tell me all about the girls you have kissed…" she said and he laughed out loud at her, thinking that when all the rubbish was removed, she really could be a fun and happy person.
~~~~~
After a late night of talking and laughing, Anthony woke up the next morning to find her already up and dressed, standing at the window and peaking out while trying to not open the curtain too wide.
"Hey, chatterbox," he called out to her softly and saw her turn to smile at him. She could be a completely different person to the one I met three days ago, he thought to himself.
Alexis moved toward him and sat on the edge of his bed, looking down at him.
"And good morning to you, fellow chatterbox," she said, laughing lightly. "How was your sleep?" she asked and he answered briefly.
Anthony found himself enjoying looking at her face - and suddenly very aware of the state he had woken up in. He quickly moved onto his side so it wasn't so obvious, but Alexis had been with enough men to know what they were often like in the mornings, and she had no desire to make him uncomfortable.
"I'm going to walk over to the curtain and look outside again. It would be a good time for you to do a dash to the bathroom and put on some clothes," she said with a slight tease in her voice, for which he was grateful, although blushing heavily now.
Alexis did as she said, and heard him subsequently get out of bed.
"No looking!" he called to her again, as he gathered up clothes and ran into the bathroom, closing the door quickly. Even through the door he could hear her giggling, before he then heard the sound of the curtains being opened.
~~~~~
They walked out of their room finally, both hungry and eager to find somewhere to have breakfast. Alexis still wore her no-gender clothing, but didn't want to wear a hat inside a café so hadn't known what to do about her hair.
"Just tie it back, Allie. Guys wear their hair back too," Anthony had suggested and when she looked in the mirror she admitted she could still pass for a guy … perhaps. "Let me order, so no-one hears your voice."
They found a quiet café in a back street that was open for breakfast service - and a buffet, which suited them even better since there would be no server to talk to them - to even look at them - too often.
"What do you want to do today? What was your plan when you reached a destination?" he asked her as they indulged in the food before them, whilst wondering to himself how she planned things should go from this point forward.
Alexis had been wondering the same thing. "My plan originally had been to find somewhere new to set up a new life - find work and find somewhere to live … but I hadn't even considered my face would be on the news…"
"You couldn't have expected that. From what you have told me, he wanted to keep everything hush hush, so it wasn't likely he would want anything about you out in the world, let alone with his name attached to you," he said, seeing the turmoil on her face. "Don't beat yourself up about that, Allie. There is no way you could have anticipated he would do that."
"But what do I do now, Anthony? Where can I go? How can I begin a new life when my face is out there?"
"What if you go to the police? Tell them you are you, and that you haven't been abducted at all?"
Alexis looked at him, and he could see thoughts flying through her brain.
"It is risky. I don't want you to be involved in this. You have already done so much for me. He must have somehow expected that I might be with someone - that is why he has turned it around so that whoever I am with could be arrested," she said, unbelieving that she had not seen - acknowledged - the darker side of Lincoln - and the degree of his desperation - much earlier. That she had not considered quite the level of depth his thinking and actions could reach when he realised she was gone.
"Alright. Well, then, I will only be staying one more night here with you and then I need to go back. I don't want to leave you, and I want to come and see you again, but I do need to get back to work when I am expected. Given that he is also my boss, way up the line…"
"What?" she asked sharply, not having even considered what she was being told.
"I work in the supermarket, Allie. It, too, is a supermarket that his company owns. And if I act in any way suspicious, that could somehow make its way up the line … well maybe not, but no, I do need to get back and act as if everything is completely normal. Then at least I can not highlight any possible indication of which town you have been in … or are in."
"Yes," she said vaguely, still thinking, but not wanting to. "What time will your train be tomorrow?"
"In the morning. I will have breakfast with you and then go straight to catch it."
"Then let's enjoy today, Anthony. What do you like to do? We could see a movie, go to a museum…"
He looked at her, surprised but pleased … but also wary.
"Are you sure? I would be happy spending the day with you in the hotel room…" he said and immediately saw her eyebrow go up, with a teasing look on her face. "Not like that! Cheeky Missy…"
"Well, just a movie then - then we will be in the dark and no-one will notice us. You can buy the tickets and I will discretely sneak in with you."
So it was decided, and when she sat back in the seat in front of the big screen, Alexis felt truly relaxed and invisible, a feeling that was completely obvious to the man beside her. She had her popcorn, she had what appeared to be a good, kind man beside her, and the movie was a comedy. What more could she want?
~~~~~
After the movie they walked back to their hotel room and Alexis stayed there for the rest of the day while Anthony went out and bought food for their dinner.
When they were lying in their individual beds later that night, Alexis felt a wave of emotion come over her.
"I will miss you, Anthony. You have been a better friend to me over this past week than anyone else has been … in my entire life. And I like how I feel when I am with you. I feel … normal."
"Allie, you are normal. You are amazing! Don't think that because of the things that bastard made you do, you are the abnormal one. You are you - you are not some extension of his sick mind."
"Why don't you try and have sex with me?" she asked, the question having been on her mind since the moment she had met him.
Anthony looked at her, feeling a huge depth of sympathy for her.
"Allie…"
"Am I ugly? I know I haven't got any makeup, and I'm too skinny now…"
"Stop!" he said, a bit too forcefully, and he saw her eyes close and head go down, forcing him to jump out of bed automatically and run to her. "Allie!" he shouted at her, in a panic of what he had just done, unintentionally. "Allie, open your eyes and look at me!" he yelled now, while holding her shoulders firmly.
Alexis heard his voice … his voice … and waited for a command. But somehow her head was a bit clearer, and she found that somewhere in the distance of her mind a new logic kicked in - like it was coming to her through a haze in the background. He couldn't be there. She was in a hotel room with Anthony … no, it was Anthony's voice she could hear. And he didn't want her to act like that. He sounded scared. She had to wake up and tell him she was okay…
Anthony saw her eyes open and then focus on him.
"Anthony," she said, smiling like she was waking up from a long night of sleep. "I thought it was you. I could hear you - I knew it wasn't him."
He looked at her, finding himself tense with fear, and pulled her up and into his arms. She wrapped her arms around him and they sat like that for a few minutes before he pulled away to look at her face.
"I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking about the volume
or tone of my voice…"
He felt one of her hands come up to the side of his face, and knew what she was thinking then. He grabbed the hand and kissed her palm.
"Allie, you are beautiful - you are not ugly or too skinny - but I don't want to have sex with you," he said and started to see her go to ask another question so cut her off quickly. "Neither of us is in the right head space for that. And perhaps you think you can easily do that without any emotional attachment - but I can't. I don't want to have sex with anyone else - not until I get my feelings about Cynthia's death under control." He paused and kissed her forehead. "Please don't ask me that again. It has nothing to do with what you look like. It is because I just don't want to have sex."
Alexis heard the speech and nodded. She didn't know what it must feel like to lose someone so close, so suddenly - she had never loved anyone like that. She let go of him and lay down again, and watched him go back to his bed and climb in, and they lay looking at each other until eventually they were both asleep.
~~~~~
"Please be careful, Allie. Go straight to the police station and talk to them. I am sure it will all be alright - don't just keep hiding. You deserve better," Anthony said to her as they held each other in the hotel room.
Alexis nodded, knowing it might not be a good idea, but she was limited in her choices.
"I will go there after I know the train has left," she said to him, and reached up and kissed his cheek. He looked at her, filled with worry for her, before kissing her lightly on the lips. Not a prolonged kiss … just enough for her to know that she did mean something to him.
"You know where I live. I am just down the train line. Come to me if you want to - whenever you want to," he said and she nodded in silence.
Anthony then walked out, feeling a deep thud in his heart that made him wonder if he would ever see her again.
Painful Deliverance Page 12
