My mom took on a concerned expression. “What's going on, Maggie? You've always been able to tell me things. You know I'd listen.” For a moment, I softened. I wanted to tell her everything. I wanted to go back to the time when I felt like my mother would listen to me without condemnation and judgment.
Maybe, just maybe, I could share with her everything that was going on with Clay and she'd have some advice, a suggestion or two. And I wouldn't feel so freaking alone in all this mess.
But her next statement blew my little fantasy out of the water.
“But you have to stop getting so worked up over that boy. He is nothing but trouble. Look at yourself, Maggie May. Look at who you've become. I think you need to really think about the way he has completely taken over your life. Is this thing you have with him really worth saving?” Her psychobabble made me want to gouge my eyes out. Or hers. Whichever came first.
I covered my face with my hands and screamed in frustration. “Are you serious?” I screeched. I lept to my feet. “This is total bullshit! Nobody has taken over my life. Your Clay paranoia is ridiculous! Have you ever thought that maybe I'm just changing? God forbid that I'm not your perfect little girl anymore. That I have feelings that have absolutely NOTHING to do with you and dad?! My life is mine! And I'm sick of your insane need to control it!” My mom opened her mouth to say something, probably to scold me for cursing, but I kept on going.
“You are the ones driving me crazy and creating all of this drama. So please, just give it a rest.” My anger dissipated and only exhaustion remained. If there was one thing this little pow-wow accomplished, was making a decision about Clay crystal fucking clear.
I wouldn't turn my back on him the way everyone else always had. He needed me and that was more important that my parents' anger and disappointment. But I couldn't argue about this with them anymore. I was done. This would not be a topic of conversation between us anymore.
My mom's mouth hung open and she was for once at a loss for words. She took a deep breath and looked at me as if I had morphed into a mutant. She stood up and looked at me as though trying to see the daughter she used to know inside me somewhere.
“I don’t even know the person you've become, Maggie May. This person.” She waved her hand toward me. “Is angry and bitter and way too invested in some high school romance that in no way defines the rest of your life. Wake up!. Get yourself together.” My mother said coldly. I knew this was her idea of tough love, but I was having none of it.
I sagged to the floor, my legs not supporting my weight any longer. I didn’t have anything else to say. I was all out of words. I couldn't convince someone that was way passed convincing. My mom walked to the door and turned back around to look at me again. Her expression had changed to one of worry. And I could see how much she ached for my pain. But I also saw her grim resolve and how, in her mind, she truly knew what was best for me.
“Clay is not what's best for you, Maggie. I know he's not a bad kid. In fact, I can see a lot of what you love about him. But he is leading you down a very bad path, one that you may not be able to turn away from. Sometimes, love can't make everything better, and the best thing for everyone is to walk away. No matter how much it may hurt.”
My heart constricted at her words. They resonated inside me and I had a hard time catching my breath. But then my anger surged forth again and I looked at her with all the rage I had been feeling. “What do you know about Clay and me?! You know NOTHING!” I spat hatefully.
My mom actually flinched at the venom I threw at her. I was being an ungrateful little bitch and I knew it. But my priorities in life had significantly changed and my parents and their need to keep me safe was not one of them.
Without another word, my mom left, looking heartbroken. But I was done feeling guilty about all of this. I flopped back on my bed, wanting desperately to sleep. Rest evaded me and I lay there, staring at my ceiling and wondered how my life had gotten so messed up.
Chapter Twenty-One
I didn't go down for dinner, refusing to leave my room, even after my dad came up and offered to bring me something to eat. I wouldn't go down stairs and pretend life was honky dory when it was all a lie. So I holed up in my room, playing depressing indie rock and staring at the drawings Clay had given me over the last few months.
The words he had written burned into my brain and I felt the sting of tears in my eyes. I thought over and over again about the look on his face when I left him this afternoon. He looked like I was killing him.
Why did things have to get so out of control? I replayed things in a continuous loop in my head. The first time I met Clay. The Fall Formal. The way he held me the first time we said 'I love you.' Falling asleep in his arms at the cabin.
But then those warm memories become tainted by the dark ones. The night of Melissa's party. His breakdown on his bedroom floor. His constant anger and jealousy. Finding him cutting.
Though none of that changed what I felt deep down. I loved him with every fiber of my being. And I felt like I had failed him. He had warned me that he pushed and pushed to see if I would stick. And I hadn't. I had allowed him to shove me right out of his life without fighting.
And what Clay needed was someone to fight for him.
I waited until I knew my parents had gone to bed before I left my room to get a shower. I wanted to avoid any further confrontations. Back in my room, I changed into my favorite flannel pajamas and turned on Pink Floyd. I needed something to soothe my frazzled nerves.
I lay down on my bed and within five minutes I was asleep.
I wasn't sure exactly what woke me up. One minute I was in a dead sleep, the next I was startled awake. My room was pitch black, except for the soft glow of the street light. My music had turned off and everything was eerily silent.
My eyes adjusted to blackness and my heart stopped in my chest. Clay was sat on the end of my bed. I rubbed my eyes and looked again. I had to make sure my eyes weren't playing tricks on me. “Clay?” I whispered, still not believing he was there.
“Hi, Maggie.” He said softly. I could barely see his face in the shadow. I sat up and scooted down my bed until I sat beside him. I looked at him closely and could see his eyes were bloodshot and tired.
“What are you doing here?” I asked him, careful to keep my voice low so as to not wake up my parents. Clay didn't say anything. He sat there, staring at me as though he were trying to memorize my face. Like he was scared to forget me. “What's going on? You're freaking me out.” I told him with a nervous giggle.
Clay reached out and wrapped a piece of my hair around his finger and then dropped it. “I just had to see you one last time.” He whispered. One last time? My stomach flipped over. “What do you mean? Are you going somewhere?” I asked him, watching as he took one of my hands in his and laced our fingers together.
Clay ignored my question and looked into my eyes again. “I love you. So much. I'm so sorry for everything I've put you through. You never deserved any of that. I just wanted you to know how much I hate myself for all of the shit I threw at you. You did nothing but love and support me. God, I just love you. More than anything! I told you before that you were my forever. And I will love you that long. I promise.” His words sounded suspiciously like a goodbye.
I was confused and more than a little numb. Clay leaned forward and I felt his lips on mine. He tangled his hands into my hair and pulled me against him with a force that surprised me. His kiss was hungry as though he would devour me.
Our tongues slid together and Clay's hands were hot on my back. Finally, Clay pulled back and cupped my face in his palm. “I have to go.” He murmured, leaning in again to kiss the corner of my mouth.
My eyes fluttered closed as he kissed my neck and shoulder. “Go? Go where?” I asked breathlessly. Clay stopped kissing me and rested his forehead at the base of my throat. “After you left me this evening, I went home.” He began. I could hear the pain in his voice and I felt compelled to wrap my arms around him.
Clay took a shaky breath and continued. “They were there. They're always there. But tonight, it was too much. I just couldn't deal with their shit. Ruby and Lisa were there too, but that didn't matter. They started on me as soon as I got in the door. Talking about how they had gotten a call from the school about all of my unexcused absences. That I was in danger of failing three of my classes. Then she started screaming at me that I was an embarrassment and a burden.” I heard the catch in Clay's throat.
I wanted to kill his parents. His mother was a heartless bitch. How could she tear her son down so callously? All of his problems, all of his issues, every single one of them was because of them. They were to blame and no one else.
Clay sat back and the hopelessness in his eyes frightened me. He gripped my hands as if he would fall away. “What did Lisa and Ruby do? Did they let them yell at you like that?” I asked. I felt suddenly pissed at his aunt and her girlfriend. They continued to allow those horrible people to treat Clay like he was garbage. Why the hell didn't they intervene?
Clay shook his head as though reading my thoughts. “Ruby tried to stop her. She really did. Lisa argued with them. Ruby threatened to call the police to have them removed from their house. Yeah, that's a joke. My mother just said she'd take me with them. That shut Ruby up pretty quickly.” Clay sighed.
“Then my mom told me to pack my bags.” He said, all emotion leaving his voice. I stilled. “Pack your bags? Why?” I asked. Clay looked at me with a heartbreaking sadness. “Because she has been in contact with my doctor back in Florida and they had decided I needed to be checked back into the treatment facility. They want to lock me away again. But this time it won't be for a ninety day program. Nope. This will be a long term deal. They had planned to make me leave tonight.”
I thought I was going to throw up in his lap. He was leaving. For good. Suddenly, my need for time and space seemed stupid. I was losing him.
“Oh my God.” I said in a hushed voice. Clay held my face again and pulled me closer. He kissed my mouth again with aching tenderness. “I'm not going.” He said adamantly. I blinked in confusion. “You're not? But I thought your parents had control over that stuff. I mean, what choice do you have?” I asked him.
Clay threaded his fingers through my hair. “I'm not going. I won't let them shut me away like a damn dog. I'm leaving. Tonight.” He said and I stilled. “Where will you go?” I asked, feeling the panic of our situation grip me tightly.
“I don't know. I just know that I have to get out of here. But I wanted to see you again. I needed you to know that I love you. There was no way I could take off without seeing your face and letting you know that my heart is yours. Always.”
He was leaving. This was it. Everything we had was coming to an end in my bedroom. Who knew when I'd see him again? If ever.
Clay gently touched the butterfly I still wore around my neck. “You are my butterfly, baby.” He whispered before pulling me back into his arms. I could feel his tension as he held me. I was taken over by an all consuming panic at the thought of him leaving me behind. How could I go on with my life without him? That just didn't seem possible.
So I made a spur of the moment decision.
“I'm going with you.” I told him, pulling away. Clay frowned and shook his head. “No way, Maggie. You have friends and a family that love you. You can not give up your life for me. I've already taken so much from you. Don't do this! I'd never forgive myself.” Clay caressed my face with his fingers. I reached up and held his hand to my face.
“I can't live here without you! I'm not giving up anything, because you are my life! You are not allowed to make this choice for me. I choose to be with you. You will always be my choice!” I said emphatically, trying to get him to see reason.
Clay shook his head again. “No! You aren't coming with me.” He started to get to his feet. I jumped up after him and grabbed his arms. “If you leave me here, Clay I will never forgive you! You will only be showing me that everything you've said is a lie. You told me I was your forever! Now prove it!” I implored desperately.
Clay looked torn. I knew he wanted to do what was best for me. But I also knew how badly he needed me. “It doesn't really matter what you say, I'm coming.” I said when he hadn't responded. I went to my closet and pulled out my duffel bag. Going to my drawers I grabbed handfuls of underwear and bras. Shirts, jeans, pajamas.
When I was finished, I pulled on a pair of jeans and a heavy sweatshirt, grabbing my fleece jacket off of the chair. After I was dressed, I turned to look at Clay. “How can I let you give up everything for me like this? It's not right!” He sounded sadly resigned. I went over and wrapped my arms around him.
I looked up into his gorgeous face and knew that my life began with him. And that it would end with him. “I am not giving up anything. I'm getting what I've wanted since I ran into you on your first day of school.” Clay's mouth quirked up into a smile at the memory. “I'm getting a life with you. That's what I want. Nothing else.” I assured him.
Clay hugged me tightly. “I love you.” He whispered into my hair. I untangled myself from him and tugged on his arm. “We should get going.” I said and Clay hesitated. “Are you going to leave a note? I mean, your parents are going to be really worried.”
I felt a pang of guilt thinking about my parents finding my empty bed in the morning. It gutted me to hurt them like this. I looked at my beautiful boy and all doubts left my mind. He needed me and that was all that mattered.
“I'll call them.” Clay arched his eyebrow at me. “I will. I promise.” I grabbed my cell phone to make the point. Clay let out a deep breath and took my hand. “Okay, let's do this.” We quietly crept out of my bedroom and made our way down the stairs.
Once we were outside the house, I stopped and looked at him questioningly. “How did you get in my room, by the way?” I asked. Clay looked at me sheepishly. “I um...well, I climbed the tree.” I looked at the side of the house to the enormous Maple that grew beside my window. “But you hate heights.” I said, a little in awe.
Clay shrugged as we walked down the street toward my car. “Well, let's just say it took me awhile to get up there. But it was worth it.” He looked at me sideways and my heart thudded against my chest. “Yeah, totally worth it.” I agreed, smiling.
I thought about sending a text to Rachel and Daniel. I felt like, maybe I should tell them what was going on. They would be furious with me. But I couldn't change things now. I was quiet as Clay drove down the darkened interstate. He said we'd drive just over the border into North Carolina and then stop somewhere to sleep.
The further we drove from home, the more ugly doubts crept into my mind. I looked down at our hands joined together and felt the electric tingle where our skin touched. No, I made the right decision. This boy was my world.
“Are you going to text Rachel or Danny?” Clay asked me suddenly. I looked up with a start, having been lost in my fairy tale thoughts of a happily ever after with him. “Um. I don't know.” I answered a little unsurely.
Clay grunted and suddenly pulled off the road and put the car into park. “What are you doing?” I asked him in confusion. Clay unbuckled his seat belt and climbed over into my seat. He pulled me into his arms and kissed my entire face before stopping on my mouth.
“I know what you're giving up to do this. And I love you so much, Maggie. You have the biggest heart of anyone I've ever met and I thank God every day that he brought you into my life.” His lips lingered on mine, tasting me.
“But please don't give up on everything else because of me. I've made my choices. I'm okay with them. But your friends deserve to know you're okay. I don't want you to wake up tomorrow morning thinking this is the worst mistake you could have made.”
“Aren't you glad I came with you?” I asked quietly, worried he regretted bringing me along. Clay kissed my mouth, his lips lingering on mine. “God, of course I'm glad you came. But I just don't want you to think you have to cut everyone out of your life because of it. I
want you to be happy.” He told me. His eyes never left mine and I could tell he really meant what he was saying.
Clay reached into my jacket pocket and pulled out my phone. He put it in my hand. “Text Rachel and Daniel. Please.” I looked at him and nodded. I leaned over and kissed his cheek. “I love you.” I told him again before scrolling through my contacts until I found Rachel's number.
I sent her a quick text telling her that I had left with Clay. That things had gotten bad with his family and he needed a little breather- a break. I asked her to tell my parents that I was sorry, but that I was okay and I would contact them soon. I knew she wouldn't get the text for awhile, since it was 2:30 in the morning. Just hitting the send button made me feel better, made my chest not feel as tight.
Clay pulled back onto the interstate after I put the phone away. “Thanks for making me do that.” I said. Clay shook his head. “You don't have to thank me for that. You do what you have to do, Maggie. I'll support you the way you've always supported me. We're in this forever.” He stated with such certainty, that I believed it – all of it.. I knew he loved me and maybe, just maybe, that would be enough.
We drove for another two and a half hours before we pulled off at a small town just over the border of North Carolina. Clay had seen a sign for a Motel 6 off the highway. We were both exhausted and I desperately wanted a bed and a good eight hours of sleep.
Clay pulled into a darkened parking lot. The vacancy sign was flickering, making it all look like something out of a cheesy horror movie. There was only one other car outside the motel.
“You sure know how to wine and dine a gal.” I teased as we got out of the car. I was happy to stretch my legs. Clay smiled. “Next time, we'll find something a little nicer. Promise.” I put my arms around his waist. “It doesn't matter Clay. As long as we're together.” He kissed me sweetly before we went into the lobby to get a room.
Find You in the Dark Page 26
