by A. F. Dery
He glanced up at her, his fingers working with an ease borne of long practice with field bandages. “If you think I’m going to give you pointers, forget it. This is…absolutely…so unacceptable, Kes.” He searched for words, but he couldn’t even think past his sudden exasperation. “I mean, don’t do this again, ever. If you really could compel me through the bond, and you really felt the need to kill yourself, wouldn’t I be helping you, or doing the deed myself, against my will? For pity’s sake, think this through, won’t you? If I can never leave you alone again, for fear of what you’ll do, you are in for a very unpleasant rest-of-your-life.”
He could feel Kesara’s eyes on him as he finished the bandage, then wrapped his hand around her lower arm, applying pressure to the wound.
“I didn’t think of that,” she said quietly.
“I know you didn’t. Ask me next time, to make sure you thought of everything. Can you do that? Please? Do you even care what would happen to me without you?” He refused to look at her, keeping his eyes on his hand, on her arm.
“You would be all right, Thane. You survived before me. Nothing has gotten worse since we bonded,” she said tentatively.
“I don’t mean this damned Mirror business,” he said roughly. “What would I do without you?” His eyes drifted up to hers. “It…felt empty here without you, last night.” His free hand made a fist and tapped his chest.
He saw her swallow. “Me too,” she said finally, blinking back tears. “I wanted you so badly.” Then she flushed and added hastily, “To be there. With me. Just…being there.” She tilted her head a little. “Didn’t you notice?” It came out as a whisper.
“I was…preoccupied,” Thane admitted. “When I was paying particular attention, you just seemed…tired. Anxious.”
“Maybe it was just a want, then, and not a need.”
“How does the bond even decide these things?” Thane asked, forcing lightness into his tone. Her sadness tore at him.
“I have no idea. You sense things I did not think you would be able to, and don’t notice things I thought would be hitting you over the head,” Kesara said with a shaky smile.
Thane released her arm, gently. “Sorry, I know that hurt. The cut was clean, I don’t think you went deep enough to need stitches, but we will have Graunt look at it to be sure.”
Kesara shivered. “I’m sure it’s fine if you say so, Thane.”
“She won’t hurt you, you know. That’s what I meant to tell you yesterday…but you were so upset, and then, well…” He let that thought trail off into blissful nonexistence, then said, “She cares for me, in her own way. She would not hurt you as long as you matter to me, and she knows you matter to me. What she did that scared you…that was wrong. But there’s a sort of perversity in her nature, I’m not sure she can quite help herself all the time.” He sighed. “I don’t mean to make excuses for her, but I don’t want you to be afraid of her, either. She is part of my life, too, and you have nothing to fear from her.”
“I trust your judgment, Thane. If you tell me so, I will try to believe it,” Kesara said, but he could feel her skepticism radiating off of her even without the bond.
“Fair enough,” he murmured. “I can hardly blame you.” He examined her bandaged arm, and was pleased to see no blood had seeped through as yet. “So far, so good.” On impulse, he reached up and touched her cheek before he could stop himself. “You are so pale, Kes. Did you lose that much blood?”
“I’m tired,” she admitted, with the same somber, remorseful tone usually reserved for criminals admitting their guilt at trial.
“I can tell,” he said gently. “You said you wronged me yesterday, but I hope you realize you were wrong about that. There is nothing for me to forgive. You, on the other hand-”
“There is nothing for me to forgive, either,” Kesara said firmly. He was relieved by the spark of life the adamant words seemed to return to her eyes.
“Fine,” he said. “Then what about this other wrong? You did something in my name, eh?” He tried to keep his voice light, but his suspicions of the mad night before raced through his mind. Something, or someone? he thought traitorously, his heart sinking.
“I was with Lord Malachi last night,” she said quietly.
It was as if time stopped. Thane had not fainted once in his entire life, but he was suddenly sure he was about to. Everything was dizziness and spots dancing in his vision and waves of nausea. Then he managed somehow to focus on her face and say, with a shaking voice that he barely recognized as his own, “I will kill that son of a bitch, I will rip out his bones with my bare hands and use them to feed my hounds.”
“I didn’t know you had hounds, Thane,” Kesara said, her blue eyes widening in surprise. “But please don’t. He didn’t abduct me or force me-”
“I don’t care,” Thane ground out from between clenched teeth. “And I don’t want to hear about it. I don’t want to know about it. I’m going to go kill him and then we’re going to pretend it never happened. It’s my fault you did this, it’s my fault for…not being what you needed. It was a terrible misunderstanding, but this is something that someone’s death can fix. Malachi’s.”
“I’m not sure what you mean, it’s not your fault,” Kesara said, startled. “Thane, please listen to me!” He felt her hands on the sides of his face, cool against his skin. “Things will be better now, he owes you now-”
“Owes me? OWES ME? That filthy bastard OWES ME for the privilege of spending the night with you?” Thane was incredulous. “You’re not a concubine or a whore, Kes! But he does indeed owe me and what he owes I will take, by the pound, in his flesh! His own wife is in child-bed, for pity’s sake! Did he even take you to another room first?”
Kesara’s mouth dropped open and her hands fell away. “WHAT exactly do you think happened? I didn’t…we didn’t…no! That’s crazy!”
“Well, what did happen, then?” Thane asked defensively, feeling a tiny flicker of hope.
“I helped his wife! She gave birth last night- well, technically, this morning. It was a difficult birth. She was carrying twins. Her Mirror wasn’t able to help her anymore, as we saw at dinner, so I took over.”
Relief washed over him, warm and blissful, embarrassment burning hot and fast in its wake. He looked down at his hands, unable to meet her eyes.
“You…helped Margaret? That’s all?”
“Yes, Thane,” Kesara said, sounding offended. “That’s all. But I did say something when I got there about you sending me to help.”
“I didn’t do that,” Thane said, still thinking, Thank the gods, whichever ones finally took pity on me. I may have been born a deformed monster to a crazy mother with a degenerate father, but Kes didn’t lay with Malachi! Thank you, thank you, thank you!
“I know you didn’t, that’s why I said I wronged you. But the rift between you both can heal now, Thane.” Kesara’s voice turned pleading. “I know it doesn’t make you happy, and he’s not happy, either. Whatever happened before, surely it can be overcome now?”
“You say this to me?” Thane eyed her skeptically. “Did you forget that you’re missing a toe, and why? And what could have happened to you if I had not found you when I did?”
“I’m not convinced that it was Lord Malachi’s fault, Thane. I tried to tell you that at dinner. Something is not right about all this.”
“Yes, you did mention that,” Thane said. He checked her arm again. Still good. “I’m not yet convinced that it isn’t his fault, however. I think you are seeing good where there isn’t any. Not necessarily a bad thing- such as when applied to myself- but in this case, a little faulty. You don’t know him like I do.”
Kesara sighed. “Will you at least consider it?”
Thane cast about for a change of subject. “So, were they girls? Boys?”
Kesara frowned, but said, “I don’t know, actually. The first lived, the second died, that I do know. The first might not be long in this world. They had to…cut Lady Malachi, to get on
e of them out, so the midwife said she probably won’t bear any more, either.”
Thane frowned himself. “That’s too bad,” he said finally. “Poor child.”
“It was born dead, so at least it didn’t suffer,” Kesara offered. But Thane shook his head.
“I didn’t mean the babe, although that’s sad too. I meant Margaret.”
Kesara puzzled on that a moment. “Lord Malachi said you don’t like her.”
Thane shook his head. “I neither like nor dislike her, Kes. I don’t know her all that well.”
“Then why does he think..?”
“Because I didn’t approve of their marriage. I refused to stand by him when they wed. I did send a present,” he added. “I didn’t mean for things to turn as ugly as they did…ironic, considering.” And he motioned vaguely at his face, which Kesara appeared to ignore.
“She seemed nice,” she ventured cautiously.
“She seemed nice to me, too, but Kes, you had to notice how young she is.”
“I did,” Kesara said slowly. “But-”
“They’ve been married going on three years now,” Thane continued, watching her expectantly. He wasn’t disappointed: the moment realization hit, her eyes went wide as saucers.
“How old is she?” she asked.
“Oh, probably about 17 now. She was not more than 13 when they met,” Thane said. He rose gradually to his feet, stretching his legs. “He had to actually change his country’s laws to allow their marriage. He didn’t want to wait.”
“And no one objected to this? The High Lord?”
Thane shook his head. “The laws of Malachi’s country are up to his discretion, and even with the age of lawful consent lowered, it’s still no lower than it is in some other countries of the Union. In others- Kitarin, for example- a girl can be wed as soon as she starts to bleed. But I found it disgusting. He was in perfect agreement with me that low ages of consent end in dead little girls- usually during childbirth- until he met Margaret. The age of consent in Eladria was only 14 when I took the throne. I changed it to 16 in the first year of my rule. My mother began her own disastrous marriage at the lower age and I couldn’t watch that horror replay itself over and over again in my country if I could help it.”
“You think if she’d been older, she could have…handled things better?” Kesara asked quietly.
Thane shrugged one shoulder. “I have no idea. Maybe she was doomed no matter what. But still, I do what I can. And Malachi, meanwhile? He changed things to suit himself, and never mind what came about.”
“No wonder he thought I was going to say I told you so,” Kesara murmured.
Thane raised an eyebrow. “Is that what he said? I wouldn’t do that. I know he loves her. And whether he believes me or not, I never wanted him, or her, to be unhappy. How could I? I’ve always expected to spend my own life alone, to die alone and have to designate my heir outside of my bloodline for the first time in many centuries of my country’s history. I would never wish that kind of life of loneliness and uncertainty on someone I called friend. I just wanted him to wait until she grew up before taking her as a wife. Unfortunately, I was not then any more diplomatic than I am now, and when I finally tried to speak to him about it…it went badly. Very badly. Perhaps if I had gone to him sooner…but I had taken it for granted that he meant to wait. Then it came out that he had not actually been all that good at waiting, and I lost my temper.”
“And you fell out,” Kesara said.
“We fell out,” Thane agreed.
“Isn’t it time that this end now, though? What’s done is done, and there is no doubt she has grown up now,” Kesara said gently. “She is a wife and mother both, now.”
“I never thought he would forgive me for the things I said,” Thane mused. “I ..was very angry. And even then, Margaret meant more to him than anything or anyone else.” He sighed. “I can’t act like I approve of what he did, even now, years later, Kes. It was wrong, what he did.”
“I’m not suggesting you approve…just move past it. Put it behind you and move forward,” Kesara said, standing. She wobbled a little and he held out an arm to steady her. She gripped it for a moment with a grateful smile before letting go. “Sorry, I’m…really tired.”
And then what she had said before finally sank in. “She…they cut her open, you said?”
She smiled weakly. “Yes, yes, they did.”
“Are you all right?” He studied her face, searching for some sign of wellness or its absence. She just looked pale, and yes, very tired.
“I’m physically fine,” Kesara said, “but…the cutting brought back memories.” She shrugged a little. “I’ll get over it.”
“I’m not…really, I’m not any good with the hugging thing,” Thane said uncertainly, but he loosely put his other arm around her and gave her back a tentative pat with his hand.
She threw her arms around him with enough force to stagger him slightly and wept against his chest. He let his other arm come around to hold her gently until the storm subsided and she lifted a wet face to look up to him.
“Believe it or not, I’m not really much of a crier, usually,” she said sheepishly.
Thane smirked. “That’s just my effect on women, you can hardly help it.”
Kesara made a noise of exasperation and he moved gently back a step from her. “I would offer my sleeve, but you already have it,” he said dryly. She frowned and her eyes went to his chest, and it was astonishing, but he could discern the very moment that she realized he was standing half naked in her bedroom, and the moment after that when she realized their proximity only seconds before. Her cheeks turned scarlet and she was suddenly trying very hard to look absolutely anywhere but at him directly.
He shook with silent laughter. It was terrible, but he couldn’t help it.
“Why don’t you change clothes, and I’ll go get Graunt to have a look at it,” he suggested when he finally regained control. “Then you can have some rest. I will have to meet with the High Lord later this afternoon, unless I miss my guess.”
She murmured something unintelligible, having now covered her face with her hands, and he prepared to leave.
But not before snatching up the small, silver knife that had fallen to the floor by the dressing table.
“I don’t have to worry about you, now, do I?” he asked her gravely as he turned it over in his palm. She shook her head from behind her hands, and he left her alone, shutting the door quietly behind him.
CHAPTER SIX
“Hmm, fell down the stairs and landed on a knife’s edge, did you?” Graunt clicked her tongue against her pointy teeth, examining Kesara’s arm.
The Mirror stared at her feet, unresponsive, even when Graunt gave the clean slash a malicious poke with one fingertip.
“You’re no fun today, little rabbit. I heard about what you were up to last night. The servants are all atwitter about it. Get to be too much for you, did it? I certainly hope you didn’t shame my poor boy by doing this in front of his enemy.”
“I don’t think Lord Malachi is actually his enemy,” Kesara said wearily. She smothered a yawn behind her free hand. “But no, madam, I didn’t.”
Graunt gave the bandage a vicious little yank, though again, Kesara gave no response, not so much as an eye-blink to reveal her notice. Graunt sighed.
“Why would you do something so stupid? It would kill him, you know. He’s gone and gotten attached to you, the poor fool, as though you were some wayward pup that followed him home.” Graunt snorted, tying the bandage off and then giving Kesara’s arm a sharp smack. Nothing. Graunt wasn’t sure if she was impressed or irritated.
“I wasn’t trying to hurt him,” Kesara murmured. She looked pale and tired, but Graunt felt unmoved. “I was trying to help him.”
“Oh dear, got smitten with your inadequacy issues again, eh,” Graunt said unsympathetically, closing up her bag. “So good that you’d get to feel all noble in your last moments, never mind what it would do to the man wh
o saved your life.”
Kesara shook her head. “It is because I owe him so much that I- oh, never mind. I don’t know why I’m trying to explain myself to you, madam.”
“Because you know Thane values me and that I won’t stop harassing you until I know all I mean to know,” Graunt said slyly. “But no explanation is required, really. I know what you were trying to do. I know something happened between the two of you in this room and that you thought to atone by doing something idiotic like strolling into Lord Malachi’s bedchamber and enduring a horrible childbirth on his child bride’s behalf. That you took it this far,” Graunt nodded her head towards the bandaged arm, “well, that is a little surprising, but really, Ytarens were never known for their subtlety. Something you lot actually have in common with Eladrians, come to think of it.”
“If you understand, then why are you…?” Kesara trailed off, looking unsure of how to finish that one.
“Badgering and be-bothering you?” Graunt supplied cheerfully. “Just because I understand your madness doesn’t mean madness isn’t what it is. Think of what he was willing to give up in order to prolong your life by a few more years. For him, it was more than aches and pains that no one in their right mind would really want anyway. He sacrificed his pride, and in his mind, a piece of his honor, to do that for you. To say nothing of the risks for his country, accepted on behalf of a foreigner. For an Eladrian, any Eladrian, that is no trifle. But he did that for you, and you would then forever throw away such a gift without even talking over whatever-it-was that drove you to such lengths in advance?”
There was a rapping at the door, and before Graunt could bark at it to go away, it swung open and Thane entered.
“I didn’t ask you here to make her even more miserable, you know,” he told her, frowning.
“No, I suppose I’m just the giving kind,” Graunt said agreeably. Thane raised an eyebrow. “Were you eavesdropping? I thought you were convinced of the dishonesty of such practices.”
“No, I wasn’t. Nor would I have any need of such tactics to guess at what you would be doing, old mother,” Thane said dryly. “My business with Kes is my own, your input is not needed here, however well intentioned.”
