“You haven’t really come around,” Micah muttered, “you know, since it happened.” Zero used to hang out at their place all the time, and Micah had known he’d be around less after Milo died, but she didn’t think he’d disappear. She hadn’t thought about it until Lux pointed to the sketch the other day, but she hadn’t seen him in months.
“I wanted to give you guys some space,” Zero said. “Plus, me and him didn’t end on great terms, you know?”
Micah frowned. “No, I don’t know.”
Then Lux said, “What do you mean, end?”
Zero untwisted the T-shirt that he’d tied to the fence and pulled it on.
“We broke up at the beginning of last summer. We had just been getting back to a good place—to where he was coming around the courts and we were hanging out again—when everything happened.”
“Wait,” Micah said. “You and my brother were together?”
“Like, together-together?” Lux echoed.
Zero grinned. “You knew that, Mike-Mike! All the times we hung out till late? All the days we’d be gone for, like, hours at a time?”
Micah shook her head slowly. “I didn’t know anything about that, Z.”
Lux whispered, “Holy . . .”
“Wow, really? I knew your moms and pops didn’t know about us, but I thought you and Milo were close.”
“We were,” Micah said like a reflex. “I mean, I thought we were, too.”
Micah flipped to the sketch of Zero and pointed to the hidden message. “Did you know he hid messages like this in his sketches?”
Zero took the sketchbook, pulled it closer to his face, and squinted at the tiny text. “Whoa,” he said, and then, “Nah, I didn’t.”
“You’re a work of art?” Lux whispered to Micah. “That’s romantic as hell, now that I think about it.”
“Yeah,” Micah agreed. “It is.” And if she missed something as obvious as that in Milo’s messages, what else hadn’t she seen? “Why didn’t he tell me about you? I mean, what was really going on with you two?”
“I . . . think he was just afraid.”
The thought that her brother could keep such a big part of himself hidden from her made Micah’s chest ache. She thought about how Milo had never had a girlfriend, never paid girls much attention at all, and things started coming together bit by bit in her head.
“What did he think I’d do?” she asked.
Zero looked at his feet. “I just know he didn’t want your parents to know. He wasn’t ready to tell them yet.”
Micah nodded. But it still made her sad.
Micah flipped back to another sketch, a glass of water on a messy table, and she looked at Zero and pointed to the message.
“Do you know what Maybe it’s not half empty or half full means?”
Zero slowly shook his head. “No clue.”
Micah turned the page. “What about Sometimes the sound IS the fury?” They were looking at a sketch of a pair of headphones, the cord split and the wires unraveling.
Zero shrugged. “I’m sorry, Mike-Mike. I wish I could be more help. Truth is, your brother wasn’t the most open person, even with me.”
Micah flipped to another page in the sketchbook and then another. If she really knew her brother as well as she thought she had, she should at least be able to guess what these messages meant. But the words all just seemed to be puzzles that were impossible to solve. She felt tears prick at the backs of her eyes.
Then Lux spoke up. “Micah. What if they’re all secrets? What if he wrote them this way so no one would ever know what they meant?”
Micah shrugged. “Maybe.”
“I mean, I’m sure there are things Milo didn’t know about you.”
She knew Lux was right. But it still hurt that he hadn’t trusted Micah enough to share his secrets with her.
Micah turned one last page and landed on a sketch of a beat-up pair of sneakers. It took a while for Micah to find it, but the message had been written along the length of one of the laces.
It read, We’re all running scared.
It was happening again. But this time Ty was with her.
Micah knew the over-ninety-degree temperature and the unbearable humidity were to blame. But her racing heart, her sweaty palms, and her breath did not care about the reason.
An old woman with fluffy white curls lay right there on the sidewalk, her bag of groceries spilling into the street beside her. She’d passed out on the corner next to the grocery store where Micah was doing her parentally enforced shopping. An ambulance was half a block away, stuck in traffic, siren roaring.
“I have to get out of here,” Micah said to Ty, trying to keep her voice level. They’d been laughing a second ago, since Ty had been working hard to keep her mind off of all her brother’s secrets. But now he looked worried, and Micah didn’t know how much longer she could hold it together.
“Okay,” Ty said. “Let’s go.”
They were only a few blocks from her apartment, but the grocery bags were heavy, and she needed to walk in the same direction as the ambulance to get home. “Where are you going?” Ty asked. He’d come shopping with her to help her carry what she needed to buy. He lifted his hand and pointed in the direction of her building. “Don’t you live this way?”
Micah nodded and stopped moving.
She tried telling herself everything would be fine. She tried slowing down her breathing.
“Micah, what’s wrong?” Ty asked.
“Nothing, let’s go this way instead.” She walked as quickly as she could away from the siren, but even on the next block the sound was deafening. Nothing was working.
She sat down at a bus stop shelter and dug through her bag, desperate for her headphones. She found them, and then dug deeper, looking for her phone. Micah had tried to turn her head away from the fallen woman as quickly as she could. But now she couldn’t erase the image from her mind of the woman lying there, leg twisted at an odd angle. Micah thought that if she could turn her music up loudly enough, she could at least silence the wail of the ambulance and keep her head down until it passed.
She knew Ty was watching her, but Micah overturned her bag, losing patience as the sound of the siren got louder—traffic must have creeped forward just enough to make things worse for her. She shoved aside her wallet and the sketchbook, her sunglasses and lip gloss, her water bottle and raspberry-scented lotion. And then she remembered: She didn’t have her phone. She still had to serve a few more days of her weeklong punishment, so the phone remained turned off and locked away somewhere in her parents’ bedroom.
“Oh my God,” she said. The panic rose in her until her throat was so tight, she thought she might pass out just like the woman in front of the grocery store. Wouldn’t that be ironic? Someone calling an ambulance for her, thinking it would help, but really they’d be bringing her biggest fear directly to her. The thought made all the muscles in her shoulders clench and her hands go numb. She needed to drown out the noise, but she couldn’t play music like Dr. Patel had suggested. She needed to call Noelle, but that wasn’t possible, either. And she couldn’t walk home because she could hardly breathe, let alone stand and put one foot in front of the other.
“Hey,” Ty said, putting down his bags. “Hey, what’s going on? What do you need? What can I do?”
She thought of Milo then. Of his accident and last summer and that the coming weekend would mean she’d spent a whole year without him. Tears filled her eyes and spilled over, and when Ty asked again what he could do, all she could say was “Please don’t call an ambulance.”
She thought she might puke. Still trembling, she bent over and shut her eyes tight.
When Ty reached out, she let him hold her. And a dozen minutes later, once it was over, she opened her eyes and looked up at him.
“Micah, you’re scaring me. What just happened
?”
He bent and started to put everything back into her purse. He righted the grocery bag and picked up the loaf of bread that had fallen out.
Micah laughed a little. Then she sobbed. He wrapped her in a hug and pressed his lips into her hair. “It’s okay,” he said. “Shhhhh, it’s okay.”
Once she’d calmed down, she told him the truth. It wasn’t like she could hide it anymore. “I . . . have panic attacks sometimes. It’s ambulances that trigger them usually. The siren reminds me of Milo’s accident.”
“Micah,” he said. “That . . . really, really sucks.”
It was the best way he could have reacted. She laughed and wiped her tears and wondered what she’d been so worried about.
“It really, really does,” she said.
“Let me walk you home,” he replied, like nothing at all had changed between them. He looked up at the graying sky. “It looks like it might rain.”
“Thanks, but I think I got it.” Micah pulled out her umbrella.
“You sure?” he asked. He touched her cheek and she nodded. She appreciated his offer, but something about telling him, simply saying it out loud, had made her feel better. Stronger.
“I’m sure. Thank you,” she said back.
It started to rain just as she kissed him goodbye.
* * *
“You’re late,” her father’s voice boomed the second she walked into the apartment.
Micah dropped the groceries on the kitchen counter with a thud and closed her wet umbrella.
“Careful,” her mother warned. “Aren’t there eggs in there?”
Micah didn’t reply to either of her parents. She could only think about Ty and ambulances, the hot day that ended with pouring rain, and the woman who had fainted. Then she thought about Milo and his secrets. Wordlessly, she started putting the groceries away, making sure to leave out all the ingredients for the pork chops and black-eyed peas she knew her mom wanted to make for dinner that night.
“Micah,” her father said. “Why are you just getting home?”
It didn’t matter what she did, she realized. She’d never be Milo. And though they didn’t say it out loud, she knew her parents were silently and constantly comparing her to him, despite not really knowing him at all. Milo’s art was effortless. Milo would never make out with someone while on the clock at a summer job. Milo didn’t have anxiety.
“I was with Ty,” Micah said, instead of any of the other things she could have.
Her father looked surprised and then angry. He let out a sarcastic laugh. “You’re pushing your luck, Micah Nicole,” he said.
Her mother turned to face her. “Wait, really?”
“Yes. I love him,” Micah said. “He loves me, too.”
Her parents looked at each other.
“Oh, and I had another panic attack,” Micah said. Since her parents sent her to therapy and picked up her medication, they considered her anxiety taken care of. And Micah had maintained the lie that she was fine. But she wasn’t. And the closer they got to the anniversary, the more obvious that fact became.
“Oh,” her mother said. “Are you all right?”
Micah shrugged.
“I thought Dr. Patel had given you a new prescription. Are you taking it every day like you’re supposed to?” her dad asked.
“I am, but it’s not like a cast fixing a broken arm, Daddy. It’s the way my brain works. It’s complicated.”
“I think you need to take a break from seeing Ty,” her father said next.
“What? Why?”
“At least until you get these fits more under control. You have a lot on your plate. Maybe you need to see a different doctor. I don’t know what we’re paying him for if this is still happening.”
Micah felt herself getting angry. A strange kind of fire began building in her chest.
“What the hell? Fits? Seriously, Daddy? If you want to know the truth, it got really bad today because I didn’t have my phone. I couldn’t do any of the things the doctor told me to do when I feel one of my ‘fits’ coming on! I couldn’t call a friend. I couldn’t listen to music. But Ty was there for me today. Which is more than I can say for you.”
Micah didn’t know where the anger was coming from, but it felt like jet fuel in her blood.
“Micah!” her mother said. “I don’t know what’s gotten into you, but I think I agree with your dad. Taking a break from Ty sounds like a good idea. Get to your room, and I don’t want to see or hear you until breakfast.”
“My parents are going out of town tonight,” Ty said. “Too bad you’re still grounded or now would have been perfect.”
“Let’s do it tonight, then,” Micah replied. “Grounded or not.”
Even though she was working with the older kids now, they’d still been able to sneak away at camp again, but not to the back parking lot this time. They’d found an empty prayer room, one that hadn’t been taken over and used as a camp classroom. As Micah grabbed both of Ty’s hands and insisted tonight be the night, they heard a noise in the hall that made them move farther away from the door.
“Wait, Micah.” Ty laughed. “I wasn’t serious. You’re grounded, and the whole point of us waiting and making a real plan was so we wouldn’t get caught. Do you really want to piss your parents off more by staying out past your curfew?”
“They don’t have to know,” Micah said. She’d been thinking a lot about how best to make this work.
“You don’t even have a phone right now. And isn’t tomorrow the anni—”
“None of that matters,” Micah continued. “I’ll just wait until they’re in bed. It’ll be easy. I’ve never snuck out before, so they won’t expect it. My dad’s gonna pass out the moment he gets home because he works late on Fridays. And my mom is a light sleeper, but I’m sure she’ll have a glass of wine or two tonight because of . . . what tomorrow is.”
“I don’t know . . . ,” Ty said. “Won’t you be, I don’t know, really sad tonight?”
Micah swallowed hard as her chest tightened with panic. She couldn’t tell if she was afraid of what she might feel tonight, afraid of what it might mean if Ty didn’t want her the way she wanted him, or both.
“Wait. Are you not sure about me? About this? I don’t want to pressure you into doing something you don’t want to do.”
“No. It’s not that at all. You know how I feel about you, Micah.”
He stepped closer to her and kissed her hard and long.
“Okay, so meet me tonight. At eleven,” Micah said. And when he still looked unsure, she added, “When will we ever have another opportunity like this one?”
Ty shrugged.
“Exactly. So let’s do it.”
Ty agreed, and he grinned. Then he scooped Micah up and spun her around.
* * *
Ty was right. Micah didn’t have her phone. But she had to tell her friends about their plans. After she helped her mom make dinner, she slipped into her bedroom and opened her computer. She hoped they were around.
It’s happening tonight, she sent. He’s meeting me and I’m going to sneak out and I’m scared but excited.
Whoaaaaa, Lux sent.
Seriously? Tobyn asked.
I’ll believe it when I see it from Noelle.
Tobyn chimed in again. Wait. You’re going to do it tonight? The day before the anniversary? Don’t you and your parents have plans tomorrow? Aren’t you guys doing anything to honor your brother?
Micah didn’t answer.
Oh yeah, Lux said. I forgot it was so soon. Are you sure you want to do this now? Wouldn’t you enjoy it more if you did it when it wasn’t so close to such a sad day?
I’m telling you. She’s not going to go through with it, Noelle sent.
Micah had expected them to be excited for her, but they were ruining her moment.
; I thought you’d be happy for me, she sent. No one replied for several long minutes, and Micah started to get mad. What kind of friends were they? She was already nervous, and their reactions were making her feel worse.
Right before she closed her laptop, one last message slid onto the screen.
Don’t get caught.
Micah read Lux’s final message and wished she could talk to her about this more. Lux had a past, had made mistakes and took chances. Micah wanted to ask her for tips on how to become more like her—daring and strong and unafraid. Micah didn’t know if she could do this, what she should expect, or what to do to avoid getting caught. She’d always been a “good girl,” after all, or at least that’s what everyone always said.
But she’d been thinking a lot about all the secrets her brother had been keeping, all the parts of himself he’d been trying to hide. She decided she wanted to live her life out loud. Even so, she understood why Milo couldn’t tell their parents about the boy he loved. It was the same reason she didn’t want to tell them she wanted to have sex with Ty: She knew, just as Milo did, that they’d be disappointed. But Milo had so much more at stake.
It was almost ten, so Micah quickly hopped in and out of the shower, used her raspberry lotion all over her body, and brushed her teeth. She smoothed her hair in the mirror, put on her pajamas, and said good night to her parents. The second they turned off the TV and headed to bed, she changed into a tank top and a cute skirt and smoothed gloss over her pouty lips.
Here we go, she whispered to herself.
She waited another twenty minutes, and as soon as her parents were sound asleep, she crept down the hall and past their room. Milo’s door was shut, and she slipped past it barely breathing, as if her brother were inside and she needed to keep her plan a secret from him, too.
Her palms felt a little clammy as she thought about what tomorrow would mean—a whole year without him—but she didn’t allow herself to think about that for very long. She had somewhere she had to be.
Micah: The Good Girl Page 4
