“Anyways, she invited me, and on a whim I decided to check it out. When I got there, my entire life flipped upside down. I heard Pastor Dom preach for the first time, and it wrecked me.” He brought his attention back over to my face.
“Wrecked you?” I asked warily. What did he mean?
“I used to go to church when I was a little kid, and all I heard about was how God was always mad at me. I thought God was just a big hammer waiting to pound me at any second. I left the church when I was 14 and never went back.” He distractedly looked at some people who walked into the café. I could see him battling with something. He really didn’t need to tell me all of this. I barely knew him. His story sounded a lot like mine. Didn’t I feel like God was always angry at me too?
“Once I heard Pastor Dom preach about grace, it changed my life forever. I now know that God isn’t out to kick me when I’m down. He forgave me once and for all.” He smiled at me as he said the words, even though my heart was pushing against what he just said. It couldn’t be that easy. I had to work for God to love me. I mean, yes, He did send Jesus to die for me, but once I asked Jesus in my heart, I had to make sure he stayed there. I listened as Branson went on.
“The problem was, my life was still a mess. I had two kids outside of marriage, ex girlfriends galore, and another baby on the way.” He shifted in his seat. “Rachel, my girlfriend at the time, began to just hound me about going to church. I did a 180° that day. I started throwing out everything trashy in our house, and Rachel got really upset. She dumped me before Bree was born.” He shrugged his shoulders. Wow. This guy was one of those radically saved sinners.
“I still have the kids to think about. I help my exes out whenever I can. Bree, the baby you saw, stays with me a lot.” He folded his hands on the table, playing with the napkin holder sitting there.
“They’re all so cute,” I said with a warm smile, thinking of the little twins when they were chanting, ‘milk, milk!’
“Thanks. They look like their moms,” he said meekly. I wonder if Branson even knew he was good looking.
“Do you go to church?” he asked. “Because you are totally invited to mine if you want to check it out.”
“I do go to church. My dad is…” I hesitated. Do you blame me? Most guys find out I’m a PK and there’s this look in their eye like she’s a prude. It’s super annoying.
“I go to Light on the Hill Church on Silver Rd, the big one there.” I shifted in my seat.
“Oh, yeah, I’ve heard of that place. The pastor is really tough I’ve heard.”
My defenses went up. Despite everything, he’s still my dad, and I love him.
“He’s an excellent preacher,” I said in his defense.
“Oh, I didn’t mean he was a bad preacher. I didn’t mean to offend you.”
“That’s okay,” I said then added, “I heard you singing to your little girl. Do you sing at Grace Alive?”
“A little bit, mostly I just make up songs for Bree Bree and the twins.” He smiled at me. “So, you think my voice is sexy then?” he teased.
I started laughing. “There’s just something sexy about Old McDonald Had A Farm.” I took a drink of my coffee.
“I know others. Baa Baa Black Sheep, This Little Piggy, and my favorite, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.” He ran his fingers along his coffee cup. “Do you sing at your church?” he asked me.
“Sometimes, but I haven’t for awhile. I used to do specials. I’ve been asked to be on the worship team, but I just don’t feel like I want to right now.” Or ever.
“You should sing me something.” He leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms, his eyes probing mine.
“What?” I laughed and shook my head. “You really want me to just belt out a song right here, right now?” I asked.
“Yup.” He wiggled his eyebrows at me. I put a hand over my mouth.
“Sorry, dude, I’m not singing.”
We finished up our coffee and talked a little more about movies and TV shows, before we said goodbye.
“It was really nice talking. Would you like to go to dinner sometime?” he asked me, as he headed out the door. Should I? He went to the greasy grace church, he wasn’t a virgin, and he had kids. Was this really the best guy for me?
Go out to eat with him, Zoe. Go. Again I heard that quiet voice that I recognized as the voice of God. Weird. Why would God want me to date this guy? So, so, weird. So I went with it.
“Yeah, I’d love to. Just give me a call. We’ll set up a time.”
“This coming Friday? I’ll pick you up at seven if you like?”
Oh crap, crap. Bad, bad, bad. I couldn’t have this guy pick me up at my house.
“How about I pick you up?” I asked with a shrug.
“One of those take charge type of girls. I like that.” He laughed lightly.
“No problem. Here’s my address.” He jotted down his address on a piece of paper and handed it to me. I gave him one final wave and headed toward my car.
I mulled over my coffee date all day while at work. I didn’t even mind when kids came in and knocked over stuff. I was in this hazy dazy state that felt nice. It was Saturday right? So, I had a few days before my dinner date with Branson. The night blurred by. I was closing up shop and driving home still thinking about Friday. I got home and headed inside, when I saw my dad standing on the doorstep. Whoa. Oh man. I felt fear grip my heart. Someone must have seen me with Branson and told on me. This was going to be awesome. I made my way toward him, because I certainly couldn’t turn around and leave again. Even though, I desperately wanted to do that.
“Zoe, Mrs. Johnson called,” he started to say, and his face worked into a deep scowl.
“Oh?” I said. I stopped where I was. The air was beginning to get cold. It was September after all.
“She said you didn’t tithe last week.”
I didn’t? I started thinking back to Sunday. I was so distracted on Sunday. I might have completely forgotten.
“Oh, I must have forgotten. I’ll write a check tomorrow.”
“You do know, Zoe, that you are under the curse when you don’t tithe. I can’t have that happening. I don’t want to invite the curse into my household.” He crossed his arms. “God could strike us down for your forgetfulness.”
What the heck. I was still going to tithe. Was God really as heartless as all that?
“Oh…okay…I…” I had no idea what to say to my dad. He just stared at me like I had committed the worse crime on the planet.
“You better get upstairs and beg God to forgive you for your sins, Zoe, because I can’t do it for you anymore.” He turned and went back inside the house. Terror gripped my heart, and I felt tears well up in my eyes.
God, please don’t curse me. I’m so sorry I forgot. I just…forgot! I still was planning on tithing! Please don’t curse my family with my sin. I ran inside and upstairs to my room. I could feel an aching in my chest at the look in my dad’s eyes that said you always disappoint me, Zoe. I couldn’t measure up. I always failed him. No matter what I did. I climbed into my bed and curled up in a ball. Tears began to pour down my cheeks. He hated me.
I love you, Zoe, God said. What? How did He love me? I forgot to tithe. I sinned! God couldn’t love me until I spent some time begging Him to forgive me.
Please, please, please forgive me, God. I’m so sorry for messing up all the time. I really do love You. Please, please, I beg You to forgive me for all my sins. Come into my heart, Jesus, make me clean again. I don’t want to be full of sin anymore. After an hour of crying, I felt like maybe God had forgiven me for forgetting to tithe. Someone knocked on my door.
“Zoe?” my dad said through my door. My eyes hurt from crying so hard and tears stained my pillow. My Bible was opened up across my comforter, and a pile of Kleenex mounded together. What did he want? I ground my back teeth together. Why was I angry at my dad? He wasn’t the one who sinned and messed up.
“Did you ask God to forgive you?”
&nb
sp; “Yes,” I said so quietly I wasn’t sure if he heard me.
“Good.” That’s all he said, and I heard him walk away. I heard my mother mumbling something to him, and he replied back with a harsh tone. They were always mumbling at each other. I hate him… the thought came from deep in my heart. My dad was always pointing the finger at me, always. What did I have to do to have him really love me for me? He’s going to hate Branson no matter what. Branson is a messed up guy with the worse kind of past. Dad is going to rip him apart. That thought drove me to tears again. I should just cancel my date before I get too involved with the guy.
No, don’t cancel. Go, God said. I put my fists up to my eyes. It was all so confusing! I’d never heard God this clear before about something. He kept telling me to see Branson. Why? Why would God tell me to go out with a sinner?
“Zoe?” said my mom very carefully. “Honey, are you alright?” My mom was more caring than my dad, but she was also the first person to gossip about someone who was in sin in our church. Which was almost everyone.
“I’m fine, Mom, thanks,” I said, trying to clear the snot from my voice. I didn’t want her to come in. “I’m going to bed.” I clicked off my lamp and heard her walk away.
Chapter 8
I made myself get out of bed and head toward the shower the next morning. I didn’t want to face my parents downstairs. If I waited long enough they’d leave without me. I could spend the gas today. I climbed into the shower and turned the faucet on. I let the water pelt my head for a few minutes, before I washed up for the day. Why did it matter if I forgot to tithe and just wrote a check the next time? To me it seemed so weird. Wasn’t time with God like different? Didn’t He say a day with Him was a thousand years? After a good half hour of just letting the hot water melt my frustration away, I got out and wandered into my room. I stared at my closet.
What did I want to wear today? I didn’t feel very motivated to look cute. I finally decided on a pale gray cotton dress that hung to my knees. It was very simple and plain, so I dressed it up by adding a long, sparkling, colorful necklace, turquoise earrings, matching bracelets, and my black boots. I untangled my wet hair and blow dried it straight. I applied my makeup and glanced at the clock. Man. I was going to be late if I didn’t hurry! It was 9:30. I did one more glance in the mirror, grabbed my purse, and headed out the door. The wind assaulted me as soon as I stepped outside. There went my hair. I managed to get my door open and flung my purse inside. I got to the church in just a few minutes and walked across the parking lot. A group of girls around my age walked by laughing and chattering.
I overheard the name Branson and tried to strain my ears to overhear what they were saying. Mostly it was just high squeals and laughter. Weird. Maybe I had misheard what they had said.
“My sister’s best friend used to date that guy hard core.” I overheard one girl say with straight blonde hair. The wind took away the rest of what she said. We all came inside the building, and the girls giggling stopped. I headed toward my row to find Mia. She was already there with Tomas sitting next to her, scowling. Had they been fighting again?
“Hi, guys,” I said as I set my purse down beside her on the row.
“Hi, Zoe,” she said with a half-hearted smile. Tomas barely looked at me.
“Hi, Tomas, how’s work?” I asked him the typical question he asked me. He mumbled some sort of reply which I only heard half of.
“You’re kind of late, Zoe,” Mia said in a curt tone. I flinched a little bit. That was odd of her. She usually was the one who told me I was a freak for showing up so early for everything under the sun.
“It’s not ten. Church hasn’t even started yet,” I defended. It didn’t take much to set me off these days.
“How was the mixer on Friday?” She folded her hands over her lap and appeared to be straight up ignoring her husband.
“It was…umm…okay, I guess. I only stayed for like 20 minutes.”
“Really? Any cute guys there?” She looked at her manicured fingernails. She was wearing a silver and black dress with a square neckline. A square silver pendant adorned her throat, and her brown hair was up in a side bun.
“No…just Jacob and a few other people who got conned into showing up,” I finished, and brought my attention to Mia’s eyes. Why wouldn’t she look at me? She seemed weird. I would have to get her alone later today and find out what was eating at her. Obviously she and Tomas were at odds with one another.
“Oh, that’s a bummer.”
With a wide smile, Pastor Mike got up and gripped his microphone.
“Let’s stand up on our feet this morning and praise the Lord!” The music began to play, and I let myself be distracted by singing at the top of my lungs.
“Zoe, you should be up there leading, not Pastor Mike. You have such an amazing voice,” Mia said in my ear.
“Nah, its fine, Mia. I don’t want to lead.” I’d never felt confident enough to do something that crazy. The few times I did do specials, I always had my dad critiquing my style. He’d tell me I was off a little bit, or I hadn’t hit my notes powerful enough. According to anyone else on the planet I had done amazing, but not Dad. It was no wonder I’d sort of let that flop. Mia shrugged but gave me one of those best friends looks that was you’re so much better! I just ignored her look and went back to worship. My dad got up to preach after the announcements, and I settled in, preparing myself to be battered. My dad knows a lot of the word, and a lot of people really like him, but when he preaches, I just feel like it’s aimed straight at me some days.
He was preaching about bringing people into the kingdom of God. How we shouldn’t have idle hands and stuff. I heard some of it, but in the end, I just felt condemned again. I couldn’t even remember the last person I’d gotten saved. I felt so, so guilty about that. I was supposed to be the hands and feet of Jesus, and I was failing Him. People were going to Hell because I was lazy in my life. I fidgeted where I sat. Mia seemed to be absorbing everything my dad said. As far as I knew, Mia had never led anyone to the Lord. Church soon ended, and I walked Mia outside to her car. She gave me a quick hug.
“It’s going to work out, Zoe; God has someone special for you. Just you wait.” She smiled at me and opened up the passenger door and climbed in. Tomas gave me a simple nod. I waved to their kids who were starting to scream and holler. God love Mia. I could not have those types of children. My mind drifted to Branson’s little girls who always seemed to be smiling and giggling. I headed toward my car, watching Mia and Tomas drive away. I saw a few other girls walking in the parking lot. I’ve wanted to become friends with more than just Mia, but I’ve always had a hard time really reaching out to people.
I’ve known Mia for awhile, and we’re comfortable around each other. The only thing I didn’t talked to her about was Tomas. I knew it was a touchy subject. Just like being 26 and single was for me. I drove home, wishing I had somewhere to be. Mom and Dad were probably going out with some family. I got home, sat down on the couch, and thought that ordering a pizza for lunch sounded just fine. I got a text. I grabbed my phone and looked at the screen.
I’m stopping by. Your parents said you were home. It was from Jacob. I moaned and nearly threw my phone. What happened to adult supervision and all that crap? In just a few short minutes, Jacob pulled up into our driveway and knocked on our door. I reluctantly opened it for him and ushered him inside.
“Hi, Jacob, how are you?” What I wanted to say was hi, Jacob, now scram. He walked in; his hands shoved into his dress pants pockets. He looked at me with a worried look.
“I hope its okay that I stopped by. Your dad said you were home alone, so I figured I’d take you out for lunch if you didn’t mind.”
What did I need to do to make this guy leave me alone? My dad’s words began to pound into my skull. Jacob was my husband according to him, so if I refused, would Jacob go running and crying to my dad? I was sure to get an earful if I just didn’t go with Jacob. It was free food.
“I’l
l grab my purse. Where do you want to go?”
“Applebee’s?” he suggested as I grabbed my purse and followed him out the door. The car ride felt awkward, Jacob yammering about my dad’s sermon. Yay for guilt. Yay for condemnation.
“I’ve won over fifteen people to the Lord in the last six years. I’ve really seen the Lord move on their hearts at Light on the Hill. Mark stopped drinking after I told him that he was going to go to Hell if he drank one more drop.”
A few weeks ago, I’d seen Mark drinking in the window of a bar downtown. I didn’t tell Jacob that though. Let him have his moment of glory.
“How many souls have you won for the Lord, Zoe? I’m sure you’ve topped my number, being a pastor’s daughter and all.”
More guilt. More condemnation. I think I’d won maybe three if I remembered right. I didn’t want to tell Jacob that.
“So, how about that courting stuff,” I said with a fake smile. What did I just say? Did I just mention courting with Jacob. Wow! I wanted to slap myself.
“I know it’s so exciting! I’ve been waiting for this for years!” He pumped his fist with a laugh. My eyes widened as we pulled into Applebee’s parking lot. We got a table easy enough and sat down. I did not want to be here at all right now. I spotted a few girls from church and wanted to duck under the table. They were probably going to give me the stink eye. I’d felt most girls animosity at the way Jacob kept trying to win me over. They wanted a shot at the semi-good looking, rich, Christian Superman.
I ordered some boneless wings and a side of fries, and Jacob ordered a cheeseburger with fries. As we sat and waited, Jacob kept chattering. I didn’t hear over half the conversation until he said the word wife and wedding. My eyes came snapping over to his face. What was that? I needed to learn to listen to people better.
“Tell me, Zoe, do you want to be a stay-at-home-mom? I could totally picture you barefoot and pregnant.” He got a kick out of that as I scowled at him. Really? Seriously? What a butthead.
Grace Alive: a Christian Romance Page 5
