I could feel his desire for me, and it made me want to smile. I fumbled for the car handle and managed to get the door open. I was so new at this kissing thing; the only thing I’d ever kissed was the back of my hand. This was much, much better than that. His fingers brushed my cheek as I pulled him into the car. I heard his breathing increase, and he ran his hands down my shoulders. Tingles broke out throughout my skin. His lips went to my neck, and I gasped at the feelings it invoked. I never thought kissing would be so amazing. His eyes searched mine with desperation.
“Zoe,” he said breathlessly, and I felt him shudder underneath me.
“Yeah?” I hoarsely said, and almost didn’t recognize my own voice as I kissed his neck lightly. He kissed my lips again.
“I…Zoe…I…” I felt his inner struggle. “Please…” he said and lightly pulled away from me. “Please…you have to stop. I can’t do this…I made a vow to God.” He carefully scooted me over to sit beside him. I still had my arms wrapped around his neck. I wanted to still kiss him; I could feel the lingering warmth of his lips on mine. It felt like a drug.
“What’s wrong? Are you okay?” I asked him.
“If I keep kissing you something else will happen, and I made a vow to God.”
My face turned red. I had no idea I was tempting him like that! To me it was just kisses; obviously it was much more to Branson.
“I’m really sorry; I don’t want to make you feel rejected, I just have to be careful,” he said.
“So no more sexy kissing in the back of your car?” I laughed lightly, trying to lighten the mood. “Got it.”
“Yeah, that was…a little intense,” he whispered. I blushed again.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to tempt you, I think I just got caught up in the moment,” I said. I felt bad.
“No, it’s fine. I enjoyed it! That’s the problem, I enjoyed it too much,” he said and pulled me back into his arms. I leaned against his chest, and he rested his chin on the top of my hair.
“Come with me to church Sunday,” Branson said.
“Okay,” I answered without hesitation. His arms tightened around me. My dad was going to pop a vein, but I felt like this was right.
Chapter 18
The rest of the week was weird. My parents kind of avoided me. Dad came to my room one night and tried to reason with me, but I just pushed his condemnation to the side. He was trying to guilt me into leaving Branson, and that wasn’t going to happen. I just heard the Holy Spirit encourage me more about it each time my dad said the opposite. Wednesday was a little awkward with Jacob. He tried to approach me, but I avoided him the whole night. The weekend was coming fast, and I felt nervous about skipping our church for Grace Alive. I’d told my dad, and he just rebuked the crap out of me.
Sunday morning rolled around, and Branson was waiting outside my house for me. I hurried outside wearing a solid black shirt that had glitter along one shoulder, a dark purple skirt that ruffled, and my tall black boots. My hair was swept to the side in ringlets. I got into Branson’s car, and he grinned at me.
“You look great!” We’d talked on the phone a lot the last couple days. He’d been helping me deal with my parents’ disapproval.
“Thanks, Branson,” I said and turned around to blow kisses at the three little munchkins in the backseat.
“Hi, guys!” I said.
“Zoe! Zoe!” the twins said together and giggled. Bree chuckled and cooed. Her sisters tickled her tummy.
“Let’s go to church!” Branson said, and we rolled out of my driveway. My parents had already left for the morning for which I was grateful. I really didn’t want them to see the kids just yet. They would flip a lid. The ride to Grace Alive was filled with silly singing, giggles, and Bree throwing up on herself. That part wasn’t the best, but luckily Branson was used to this kind of thing and had brought three sets of clothes with him. He shouldered a backpack and unbuckled Bree while I helped the twins out of their seats.
When we were all finally out of the car, we started walking toward Grace Alive. It was a barn. What! It was the most unusual building I had ever seen. There was a field, a fence, and a big old barn sitting in the middle of it all. There were cars scattered all over the place, and little kids running around near a small jungle gym that had been set up. The twins wanted to run and play with the other kids, so Branson let them run off.
“There’s some ushers that keep an eye on them. I’ll just go change Bree really quick.” We stepped inside the barn, and I looked up in surprise. It was the most untraditional looking church I had ever seen. The ceiling was high, and there was lights strung on the beams like a barn yard dance. The floor was cement and older chairs were lined up in several rows. People were mingling and drinking coffee, and I heard the worship team warming up. We were around 45 minutes early.
“Hi, guys!” he said to a few people who were standing in a group. “This is Zoe! I’ll be right back. Gotta clean puke off Bree Bree.” He tickled the little girl’s neck, and she giggled.
“Oh, I’ll change her, Branson!” a girl with an extremely short haircut said with a smile. She was dressed in a solid black dress and had a hot pink shoulder bag. She looked kind of Goth to me.
“Thanks, Alison, that’d be awesome.” He handed the little girl over to the woman who started cooing to the baby.
“Who’s all stinky, aw, Bree Bree did you spit up?” She took the baby away, toting the backpack on her shoulder. I watched her go in wonder.
“Your girlfriend is amazing, Jack,” Branson said to a tall, skinny guy with a slightly crooked nose. The tall guy nodded and smiled.
“She’s great,” Jack said. The others in the group started all talking, and I wasn’t sure what to say.
“First time at Grace Alive, Zoe?” one girl said. I think her name was Jen? I couldn’t remember. They’d all introduced themselves, but my brain was forgetful with all that was going on. People were trickling in. They looked, to put it nicely, like heathens. Weird bunch.
“I think we’re freaking her out, Branson.” The girl I thought was Jen gave me a reassuring smile. She had streaks of aqua blue in the ends of her dyed black hair, was wearing a sweater with a fox on it, and had on orange pants.
“She’ll be fine, Jen, it’s just a lot to take in,” another girl said with really cutely painted fingernails. They were little pandas on her nails. Nailed it! I thought her name was Jen.
“This is a judgment free zone, it’s kind of hard when you first come in, and you see a bunch of crazy looking people.” Jen smiled at me.
“Oh, I…” My words were cut off as a guy came walking up to us with a grin. He was a tall guy, around 6’3, broad chest, dark brown hair, and tattoos literally from head to toe. He had to be roughly 32 or so? He was wearing a green t-shirt, a black vest, and a nice pair of jeans.
“Pastor Dom!” Jen said and pulled the man into a huge hug. That was Pastor Dom? I felt myself choking. He looked like a rock star singer! My dad would have a cow! After he’d finished embracing Jen, he looked straight at me. I felt this love overwhelm me. Whoa. I felt a tingling from the tips of my toes all the way through my body. As if Jesus was looking straight into my eyes.
“I’m Pastor Dom, welcome to Grace Alive Church,” he said in a low baritone voice. I shook his hand, and he pulled me into a bear hug. Okay.
“Branson!” he called and pulled Branson into a hug after he’d finished with me. “How’s it going, man? How’s the little princesses?” He let Branson go and gripped his arms. “I’ve been interceding for you lately. Has everything been okay?” The intensity of this man was overwhelming. I could feel the presence of God all over him. I’d never felt anything like that before. Just love. Pure love oozed from him.
“Can we talk about it later, Pastor?” Branson asked with a smile.
“Sure can!” He turned to the group of people and hugged the rest of them. I was in shock. This was not what I had expected. Sure, I had expected something different, but this was like dramatica
lly different. A pastor who was tattooed and wearing jeans! What in the world! Alison came back with Bree, and Branson took her into his arms and held her close. We made our way toward the nursery just before church was to begin. He dropped his baby off to a nice looking lady who looked more like the traditional churchgoer in my opinion. She set Bree down with a bunch of blocks as we walked away.
“You alright, Zoe? You look like you’re in shock.” Branson laughed as he led me to the third row of the barn church.
“Yeah. I’m just taking it all in. This is just really, really different than my church.” We slid into the row by the other people I met. I couldn’t really remember all their names. A pretty girl, with blond hair and a black layer underneath, ripped skinny jeans, and a turquoise swooping shirt held a microphone in her hand. A whole band was upfront. A guy who was playing guitar had an actual Mohawk. The piano started in with just solid strings, and the girl put the mic up to her lips. What came out was the most amazing melody I had ever heard. She wasn’t even singing words, just ooing and ahhing really, but something shifted in the atmosphere, and I felt people begin to respond to it.
This. Whatever this was. Was God.
I love you, Zoe. Can you feel My love? I want you to know Me, Zoe. This is who I am. When the girl was done with her melody, the drums kicked in and the electric guitar began to build. A kickin’ praise song erupted from the speakers. I didn’t recognize it, but it was easy enough to catch onto. The music wasn’t perfect, but something in it made me want to shout! It felt real. It felt really, really real. Branson reached for my hand during a worship song, and I held on tight. He lifted his other hand, and I watched tears pour down his cheeks. I could feel the love he had for God. I had never seen such a strong love on anyone’s face before.
Tears came to my eyes, and I started crying next to him. I had always felt so guilty, unworthy, and like I could never do enough when I would worship God. But here at Grace Alive I felt…joy. Just pure joy. I looked at these imperfect people, and I could see something on their faces. There was no condemnation here. No judgment. Freedom.
The music quieted down, and Pastor Dom came up while the music still played. The girl who’d been singing swayed as she softly whispered a love song to Jesus. She simply sang, “I love You, Jesus, You are mine. I love You, Jesus, You are divine.” She sang the tune over and over as Pastor Dom stretched his hands out to heaven and began to sing with her. Soon the whole church raised their hands to God and joined in on this lovely song. How did they just simply worship God without fear? They looked like a mess. But they just worshiped God like this. How? I trembled and Branson looked at me.
“You okay?”
“I don’t get it. How can these people worship so freely? Aren’t they in sin? Don’t they feel condemned to come before God like this? I have to pray more, Branson. I want to know God like this.” I played with the ends of my hair.
“Zoe, it says to come boldly to the throne of grace. They are just coming boldly to God because they know He has forgiven them for everything they’ll ever do wrong.” He put a hand on my back.
“It only works if you beg God to forgive you for your sins, Branson. Are they all so perfect?” I asked, and my voice sounded angry.
“No! They are not perfect! That’s the beauty of it! Remember what I said? There is no condemnation if you’re in Christ Jesus!” The power in this place was rocking me. Pastor Dom stopped singing and went toward a simple wooden pulpit. The people remained standing as Pastor Dom rested his head in his hands. The silence in the room was thick, but it felt more like a warm blanket than anything.
“I hear the Lord saying to someone this morning. I love you, child. You’ve always felt like you couldn’t measure up, that you were never good enough, and that you had to earn My love for you. You felt you had to work for it. When you messed up you thought I wanted to punish you. I’m here to say to you today, child, that you are perfect in My eyes. You are My bride, you are My child, and I love and cherish you. Come to me with your heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.” He looked up at his congregation, and I could see tears in his eyes.
I felt the words he said hit me in the chest, and I crumpled to my knees. I started sobbing like a little girl. He said exactly how I’d always felt. I was never a good enough Christian no matter how hard I tried to do it.
“Come up here, Zoe,” Pastor Dom said very gently. Branson helped me to my feet and made his way up front with me. What was going on? What was this? I’d never cried in church like this before. I felt like my insides were being pulled out of me. All the emotions of how my dad had always treated me started gushing out. I started sobbing. I needed to stop! Pastor Dom put his hands on the sides of my head.
“I hear the Lord say, Zoe, you are just the way I’ve created you. You don’t have to work for My love, anymore. My plan for you is of perfect peace. I’m leading you down this path, Zoe, and I have your hand in Mine. Don’t worry about tomorrow for My heart is to bless you. I’m a good Daddy, and My hands want to hold you. I love you, Zoe, I love you,” he finished, and I felt a strange pull at my body. I felt weak-kneed and fell down. Hands caught me from behind, and I lay on the floor wondering what was going on. I’d heard of stuff like this before. People called it slain in the spirit or something weird like that, but I’d never actually felt the presence of God like this. It was like a warm blanket wrapped around my shoulders. I could feel the love of God so thick that all I could do was cry and cry.
Chapter 19
Branson knelt beside me and put his hands on me. I could hear him praying but didn’t really know what he was saying.
“Let’s praise the Lord!” Pastor Dom said, and the music got loud again as Branson kept praying over me. I saw memories invading my thoughts of my dad and the way he always looked at me. I was a huge mess as God began to talk to me about everything that had happened since I was a kid.
It was never My heart, Zoe. It was never My heart to condemn you. I love you, Zoe. I died for you. I kept seeing my dad wagging his finger at me, and then suddenly I had this image of Jesus. He grabbed me off the ground and held me against His chest. It was such a strong image that I gasped and started crying again. I could feel His love. Physically feel the love of God. I’d never felt that before! I’d always felt if I worked for it God would love me, but never just a love without condition. Wow! After the music died down quite a bit, I got to my feet, and Branson and I went back to our seats. They took up the offering, and I just sat in my chair with this warm feeling going through me. I could hardly move. I pointed to my purse, and Branson grabbed it and handed it to me. I pulled out a twenty dollar bill and handed it to him. He went up front and dropped it in the bucket along with his tithe. There were a few announcements, and then Pastor Dom came back up.
“Wow! How much God loves us!” Pastor Dom said and threw up his hands. “Let’s turn to Romans 5:17.” People pulled out their cell phones and Bibles. “For if by the one man’s offense death reigned through the one, much more those who receive abundance of grace and the gift of righteousness will reign in live through the One, Jesus Christ. The gift of righteousness!” Pastor Dom’s voice boomed. He paced the floor with a grin. “Can you earn a gift? If I bought you a birthday gift and handed it to you would you turn around and pay me for it?” Heads shook back and forth.
“Of course not! It’s a gift! You didn’t earn that gift! I gave it to you because I love you.” He came back toward the middle of the crowd. His words hit me in the face. The gift of righteousness. How come I never saw that verse before? I yanked out my Bible and found the passage. Wow. It was there.
“We can’t earn God’s grace anymore than you can earn a birthday gift! You either receive it freely or you reject it!”
Branson leaned over and hugged me lightly. I smiled at him. Pastor Dom kept going, practically jumping off the ground in excitement.
“Hebrews 10:12-14 let’s go there!” He raced back to his Ipad that was sitting on the pulpit. He touched the screen an
d grinned like a kid. “But this Man, after He had offered one sacrifice for sins forever, sat down at the right hand of God, from that time waiting till His enemies are made His footstool. For by one offering He has perfected forever those who are being sanctified.” Pastor Dom walked over to the right side of the room and pointed at a man.
“So you mean Christ made a sacrifice once for our sins? It says that He perfected us forever those who are being sanctified? Ah! Can you imagine? Wow! How awesome is that! So even when I screw up, Derek, God still loves me?” The man nodded back at him with a smile.
“Say what? He isn’t going to throw a lightning bolt at me?” Chuckles were heard throughout the room. “So I’m perfected forever? How long is forever, Brenna?” he asked a girl sitting on the other side of the room.
“A really, really long time, Pastor Dom!” she said and laughed.
“Let’s look at another one! This is good stuff! Ephesians 2:4-6 But God, who is rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in trespasses, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved), and raised us up together, and made us sit together in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus.” Pastor Dom started jumping up and down, and people in the crowd started shouting.
“Ah! Look at that! We have been saved by what?”
“Grace!” the crowd shouted at him.
“Wait, I can’t earn His gift of grace?” he asked the people again.
“No!” they said, and I found myself chiming in. After church, I felt twenty times lighter than when I walked into Grace Alive. Pastor Dom came running up to me and Branson. Literally he ran. He grabbed us both in a big bear hug.
Grace Alive: a Christian Romance Page 11
