by Radclyffe
“There was a time,” Vance said quietly, “that I knew the shape of my future. I knew where I would live, what I would do. Who I would be. I did not know who or even if I would love, but knowing the other things made that loneliness bearable.” She kissed Mae. “Now I am not certain who I am or what my future will be. But I know who I love. And that matters more than all the rest.”
“I’m not the woman you should love,” Mae whispered. “But I don’t have it in me to tell you not to.”
“How can you judge who I should love? Can you feel the pain in my heart that eases only when you touch me? Can you know the despair that lifts only when you smile?” Vance closed her eyes and rubbed her cheek against Mae’s hair. “Can you imagine the loneliness that fades only when you’re near?”
“Some of that I know,” Mae said. “Because you give me that, too.”
“I know that I come to you less than I once was,” Vance tilted Mae’s face up to hers with a fingertip beneath her chin, “and for that, I’m sorry.”
Mae’s eyes narrowed. “I still have that nice warm feeling that comes from loving you this way. But I can lose it pretty fast if you keep up that kind of talk. You might have thought you were more before you lost your arm. Before you lost your brother. Or your home, or your way of life. Maybe you were. I have no way of knowing. But I know who you are now. I see your strength, and your goodness, and your gentleness. That missing arm hurts me, but there’s nothing about you that makes me wish for more.”
Vance smiled crookedly. “Then I count myself extremely lucky.”
“That’s better.” Mae sighed. “I hate for you to go, but I imagine the town is waking up about now. You can’t be seen coming and going from my room at all hours.”
“I have every intention of coming and going from your room whenever I am welcome.” Vance made no move to get up and her voice had taken on an edge. “Which I hope is often.”
“Lord, Vance. No matter what we are to each other, in the eyes of the townspeople we’ve no business being together. Two women, they might overlook. The town doctor and a whore? Never.”
“I don’t care what the opinion of others may be.” Vance stirred with uneasiness. “Unless the anger is directed at you.”
“What happened yesterday had nothing to do with you,” Mae said quickly.
“Have you ever considered just leaving here? Giving this up?”
Mae laughed bitterly. “And what would I do? Even if I could leave my past behind, I have nothing with which to make a future. If I had, I wouldn’t be here now.”
Carefully, Vance said, “I have resources. I could lend you—”
“No,” Mae said quickly. “I won’t take money from you. Not now, not ever. What happens between us—”
“Has nothing to do with money,” Vance said angrily. “You insult me to suggest that. And yourself.”
Mae sat up, pulling the sheet above her breasts. “What am I to think, then?”
“That I care for you and want to help you. Or is it only I who should accept help without question?” Vance pushed up on the bed and started to button her shirt. “Is it only I who needs caring for?”
“No. No,” Mae said softly. She stifled the urge to help Vance button her shirt. For her it would have been an act of love. For Vance, one of pity, and she would not risk that. “Tell me, then, what you’re thinking.”
Vance took a long breath and reined in her temper. When Mae reached over and tentatively began buttoning the rest of her buttons, she tilted her head back against the wall and sighed. “I was thinking I could help you buy a house or start a business or—buy coach fare to somewhere else.”
“Leave here?”
“If that’s what you wanted.”
Mae stood up and fastened her robe. “You are lucky I don’t have my gun, because if I did, I would likely shoot you.”
“I can see that I’ve taken a misstep.”
“A whole passel of them.” Mae went to the sideboard, rinsed her face, and took her time drying off while she gathered her thoughts. She needed some distance from Vance because up close to her, her thoughts tended to scatter. “There are girls here who are my responsibility. If I’m gone, someone else will take my place. Someone who may not care any more for them than how much they can make in a night. Someone who may not care what’s done to them if the price is right. I’ll not have that on my conscience.”
“I understand.”
“Do you? I’m not sure that you really do.” She took a breath and said quietly, “If not me here taking charge of things, someone else. If not Sissy and the others doing what they do here, then some other girls will come to do it. It’s a part of life out here that isn’t going away.”
Vance stood, shook out her trousers, and stepped into them. She left her shirt out and went to the sideboard to wash as well. When she leaned back, towel in hand, her hair still dripping, she said, “You don’t want to stop doing what you do.”
“I wouldn’t mind if I never had another stranger touch me,” Mae said harshly. “But I have my independence, and I’m not starving, and those girls might have a chance for something more than I had.”
“All right.”
Mae frowned. “All right what?”
“There are brothels in St. Louis run by women who live in fine houses, who ride through town, day or night, in elegant carriages, and who are welcome in the best of company.”
“That’s St. Louis. I know about those places, but people out here aren’t as accepting.”
Vance shrugged. “Things change.”
“That’s not something you should count on.”
Vance tucked in her shirt and buttoned her trousers. “The only thing I’m counting on is you.”
With a shake of her head, Mae picked up Vance’s holster and swung it around her narrow hips. “Hold still, now.”
“I did that once for you already today,” Vance murmured, circling Mae’s waist and pulling her tight against her body. The crush of Mae’s breasts against her chest stoked the urge to touch her that had not diminished since they’d lain together. She bit lightly at Mae’s earlobe before skimming the rim of her ear with her tongue. “And look what happened then.”
Mae sagged in Vance’s embrace, the thunder of desire stealing her strength. “I see now what happens when you’re feeling more yourself.”
Vance laughed. “What?”
Mae spread her palms on Vance’s back, cleaving to her, knowing that her passion would fuel Vance’s. When she heard Vance gasp and felt her body twitch, she stepped away, a satisfied smile on her face. “You get insufferably sure of yourself.”
“Should I apologize?” Vance asked, her breath coming fast as her insides twisted with want.
“You come back one of these days—” Forcing herself to do the opposite of what her body screamed for her to do, Mae backed away. “And we’ll see.”
“I promise you,” Vance said, her eyes smoldering as she slung her coat over her shoulder and started for the door, “I intend to just as soon as I can.”
There were other things she planned to do as well—things that for the moment, she did not intend to share.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Vance found Caleb in the midst of changing Jed’s bandage. She hung up her coat and went to help out.
“Morning,” she said as she spooled out a thin strip of clean linen from a basin. She passed it to Caleb, who gently threaded it into the bullet tract to help facilitate drainage. She didn’t expect an answer. His nod of greeting and distracted smile were enough. She leaned over to check Jed. “How are you feeling?”
“Better than I should be, I suppose, with the two of you poking at me the way you’re doing.”
Vance smiled. Jed’s color was good and the wound itself showed no evidence of swelling or purulent drainage. If he went another day or so without signs of festering, he would have a very good chance of making a full recovery.
“Am I going home today?” Jed asked.
“I wou
ldn’t want to be the one to stand in Jessie’s way when she shows up here for you,” Vance said dryly. She glanced to Caleb, who nodded. “Seems like you’ll get plenty of care at home. And the food will probably be better.”
Jed laughed carefully as Caleb reapplied his bandages. “That will surely be true if Miss Kate is cooking.”
Caleb and Vance got Jed resettled and returned to the office. Caleb closed the door.
“I can’t think of a single reason why that wound isn’t a stinking mess right now,” Caleb said, pacing to the window and staring aimlessly into the street. “Except for all that fussing you did with the instruments and that carbolic acid.”
Vance joined him and said mildly, “Before the war, I spent six months in Europe with my father and brother visiting various medical clinics. I heard Dr. Lister speak about his theories concerning contamination as a cause for wound purulence. It seems to make sense.”
“I don’t know if it makes sense or not, but if it gets results, I don’t much care.” Caleb frowned. “So tell me what I should be doing. Never mind the why, I don’t have time for it.”
“Well,” Vance said, suppressing a smile, “here’s what I recommend.”
They were deep in conversation when Jessie and Kate came through the door.
“How is Jed?” Jessie asked immediately, looking from Caleb to Vance.
“Better,” Caleb said with satisfaction. He started toward the dispensary. “He’s not going to be able to walk to the wagon. I’ll help you get him on a litter.” Over his shoulder, he added, “Vance, why don’t you go over with Kate what she’ll need to do about the bandages.”
“Right.” Vance smiled at Kate and reviewed with her the routine for twice-daily bandage changes. “The most important thing is to look out for signs that the wound is festering. Is all that clear?”
“Yes. I understand.”
“You’re getting quite a lot of practice with treatment these days.”
“It’s wonderful,” Kate enthused. “Jessie and I talked about the midwifery last night. I want you to know that I’m serious about learning.”
“I never thought otherwise.” Vance hesitated. “I could teach you medicine, Kate. Most medicine is still learned in apprenticeship, not school. Or you could spend a few months back East at one of the colleges, and then apprentice with me.”
“I’ve thought of it. Jessie and I even spoke of it.” Kate smiled. “I think what you do is amazing and so important.” She glanced toward the partially opened door where a murmur of voices could be heard. “If I’d never come here, if I’d never met Jessie, I might want to do something like that. But I’m happy already with my life. I want to be a midwife. You said yourself it’s something the people here need.”
“That’s true.”
“It’s what I need, too.”
Vance nodded, thinking about choices that were made because they were right and not merely expected. She thought about her own choices and knew that she would make the same ones again. She would go to war with Victor because she believed it was right. She might have come to New Hope because she’d given up choosing, but she planned to stay because it was what she wanted. What she needed. She thought of Mae, and smiled. Yes, just what she needed.
“Once Jed is settled, I’ll take you out with me so you can get acquainted with your future patients. That way, they’ll know that we’re working together and that you’ll be looking in on them from time to time,” Vance said. “All right?”
Kate nodded vigorously. “Oh yes. That would be just perfect.”
Jessie returned in time to hear Kate’s pleased exclamation. She imagined Kate and Vance were talking about Kate’s schooling again. When Kate turned to her with shining eyes, Jessie smiled. “I’m going to go get some things the doc says we’ll need, and then we can go.”
“I’ll walk with you,” Vance said quickly.
Surprised, Jessie nodded. “Come on along.”
There was something in Vance’s expression that told Kate she wanted to talk to Jessie alone. Kate squeezed Jessie’s arm briefly. “You go ahead. I want to say hello to Jed and talk to Caleb for a minute.”
“All right.” Jessie nodded to Vance and they stepped outside and into the street. “Something on your mind?”
Vance skirted the edge of a quagmire in the center of the street that was left over from the most recent rain. “What do you know about the Golden Nugget?”
“Besides the obvious?” Jessie nodded to a passerby and waited until they were out of earshot. “Not much. It’s been the Nugget pretty much as long as I can remember. I think there was a time it was called something else, but the purpose was the same.”
“You know who owns it?” Vance saw no reason to be circumspect with Jessie. Kate and Jessie and Mae were friends. From the fond looks that passed between Jessie and Mae, she had wondered on occasion if perhaps they had once been more than friends. She found it did not bother her as much now to think of it. In fact, she was glad if Mae had been with someone who appreciated her, and she imagined that Jessie would have.
Jessie glanced sideways at Vance, then straight ahead. She’d yet to be able to read anything behind the doctor’s set expression. “The only one I’ve ever seen giving orders in the place is Frank, but I don’t actually know that he owns it.”
“Let’s say he doesn’t. Who might?”
Jessie slowed as they neared the general store, settled her back against a post facing the street, and set her boot heel on the edge of the raised board walkway. Vance draped her arm over the hitching rail, leaned against it, and crossed her ankles. Anyone watching would have thought they were just two friends out for a leisurely stroll.
“It would take some money,” Jessie said thoughtfully. “Thaddeus Schroeder—he owns the newspaper along with Kate’s father—might have enough. He’s been here almost as long as the town has. He’s a family man, though, and seems decent. I can’t quite see him behind the Nugget.”
“Caleb would have the resources as well,” Vance said, “but I think that unlikely, too.”
“There’s Wallace Fitzpatrick—he owns the lumber and supply yard, and Mason at the bank.” Jessie shrugged. “There might be one or two more, but I’d just be guessing.”
“What about the land title office? You think anything might be recorded there?”
“Deeds are usually printed in the newspaper, but I don’t know how far back those records go.” Jessie studied Vance. “Kate might be able to tell you that, but if there is some trouble brewing, I don’t want her a part of it.”
Vance tightened her jaw and said nothing. It had been a long time since she’d confided in anyone. Since Milton—and Victor. The silence grew, and she knew that Jessie would not question her. If she gave no explanation for her concerns, she would be making a statement as to the limits of the friendship forming between them. “Whoever owns the place has a hired man to oversee it.” Her words came out hard on the wave of her fury. “He took after Mae yesterday. Left bruises on her face and her arms.”
“Bastard,” Jessie swore.
“Yes.”
“And you want to go after him?”
Vance met Jessie’s hard blue gaze. “Wouldn’t you?”
Wordlessly, Jessie nodded.
“Mae got me to promise I wouldn’t,” Vance said wryly. “I’m still not sure how that came about.”
“I’ll wager she worked it around to her being hurt if you went off and got yourself killed.”
Vance laughed softly. “Something like that.”
“The problem is, they’re right. And if something happened to Kate, I wouldn’t last.”
“You and Kate,” Vance said carefully. “People here don’t make a fuss?”
Jessie grimaced. “Well, Kate’s parents did. But most folks keep to their own business and let others mind theirs.”
“I didn’t promise Mae I wouldn’t go after whoever’s behind things. He as much gave his permission for this bastard to do what he wanted with the wome
n at the Nugget.”
“I’ll ask around.”
“I don’t want you to put yourself in any jeopardy,” Vance said quickly. “Any information you might—”
“Mae means something to me, too,” Jessie said, her voice tight. “I’ll see what I can find out.”
Vance nodded curtly. “Thanks.”
*
“I’ll come by this evening to take you back to town,” Vance said three days later when she turned the buggy into the lane to Kate and Jessie’s ranch. “It will probably be close to suppertime when I’ve seen to these calls.”
“You don’t need to be driving me around, you know,” Mae said. “Lord knows, you spend enough time traipsing over the countryside. Have you been to bed at all in the last few days?”
Vance squinted in the bright sunlight. Her eyes felt gritty and she was tired, but having Mae beside her on a beautiful early summer morning seemed to infuse her with an energy she hadn’t felt since before the war. “It’s been one of those weeks when everyone seems to feel poorly at the same time. I’ve had a chance to nap a time or two.”
“I won’t mind if you come to visit late at night, you know,” Mae said.
“I’m not sure how much sleep I’d get, in that case.”
Mae flushed despite the wide-brimmed, feathered hat that protected her face from the sun. The deep green was a shade darker than her eyes and matched her silk dress. “That might depend on just how tired you really were.”
Grinning, Vance jumped down and came around to Mae’s side of the buggy. “That’s one thing I don’t seem to feel when I’m around you.” She circled Mae’s waist as she stepped down to the running board and swung her off and around to the ground, taking advantage of their closeness to brush her lips over Mae’s cheek. “You look beautiful.”
“Have I managed to cover the bruises?” Mae asked quietly.
Vance’s heart twisted with sympathy and anger. “Yes. You needn’t feel embarrassed by something that was not your fault.”
“It’s pride, I suppose.” Mae waved as Kate came to the door of the ranch house. “But I don’t have much more than that.”
