by Lucy Coleman
His groan is dismissive, but he says nothing.
‘The hurt is something I understand, Gray – believe me. And yet I’d love the chance to meet my mother just once, even if she rejected me. I carry her genes and yet I don’t have any photos of her, because my father burnt everything. It’s not about forgiving someone who doesn’t deserve to be forgiven, but about the need to finally let go – as an adult – of the curious inner child. You can only do that face to face.’
I move closer, allowing myself to sag against Gray’s chest, and he encircles me with his arms. His muscles are firm against my body, no longer relaxed, but tense and angry. Not at me, or Rona, but at the man who hurt his mother.
‘It took a lot for you to tell me that, Immi. And you’re right. You have no idea how grateful I am that Mum was happy to take you into her confidence like that. This can’t have been easy for her, or for you. I will be a good son and will bear in mind what you have said. But there’s nothing wrong with having just one parent and it’s infinitely better than having two, if one of them feels trapped.’
It takes me a long time to drift into sleep as Gray’s words sink in. My arrival in the world made my mother want to run away. But at least it means that I can be empathetic when it comes to Gray’s situation, and that’s all that matters, not a past I can’t change.
Even though both Gray and I are flagging as he packs up the car to head back to Rona’s, we’re both on a high. Today’s cruises were a huge success and the second of the Little Stars Specials was a delight.
We had everyone singing at the tops of their voices after Gray and Abe moored The Star Gazer and joined us on board. Abe played guitar and Gray acted as conductor. It was hilarious, as he split the kids and adults into two groups to sing different backing sounds, then he proceeded to do a voice-over.
One half were sleigh bells, singing ‘jingle jingle’, and the other half the sound of Santa’s sleigh as it ‘whooshed’ through the snow.
‘I love you,’ I declare as I stand on tiptoe to place a lingering kiss on his lips. Thoughts of last night pop into my head, making my stomach do a little flip. ‘Thank you for the singalong today. It was amazing. You are amazing!’
‘And next you are going to remind me to be nice and listen to Mum when she ambushes me tomorrow.’
‘Hey, I wasn’t trying to manipulate you. It’s not an easy situation, but somehow you have to work through it together.’
We’re in the big car park and I follow him around to the boot of his car. I wait patiently while he stows away his holdall and computer bag, sadness festering away in the pit of my stomach.
‘It’s horrible saying goodbye, isn’t it?’ Gray whispers as he steps back to take me in his arms.
‘Ring me if you want to chat. Any time of the day, or night – I’m here for you, Gray, always.’
His grip around me tightens as he hugs me even closer, gently rocking me back and forth. Then he lets go with one hand and spins me around, pirouette-style.
‘Don’t worry. Everything will be fine, Immi. Only people you love can really hurt you. Everyone else… well, the worst they can do is be annoying.’
As I wave him off I wish I could be by his side tomorrow, but it’s something he has to sort out with Rona, and I can’t influence his decision. I trust, and hope, that he’ll see this as a positive step, tidying up loose ends that should have been sorted a long time ago. Every ending signals a new beginning and that, at least, is a positive outcome.
As Gray’s car disappears out of view, I spot Valerie walking down the lane towards me and wave out.
When she draws alongside me, we both head back in the direction of the canal.
‘Ahh, I was hoping to catch Gray before he left. Goodbyes are tough, aren’t they?’ She sounds tired and somewhat dispirited.
‘It doesn’t get any easier, I will admit. But it’s been a good weekend and we’ve suddenly made an enormous leap forward in the right direction. I guess we needed a bit of a shove to just get on with it.’
‘It’s often an intervention that’s a triggering factor. We’re all guilty of glossing over life’s problems when we’re not quite sure how to handle them.’
Valerie’s pace is slow, and she seems upset, maybe even a little depressed. I glance sideways at her, questioningly.
‘Problems?’
She tips her head back, looking up at the sky and letting out a deep, heartfelt sigh.
‘It’s nothing. I thought a walk would clear my head, that’s all.’
Whatever it is, Valerie is struggling with it. Gray’s words come back to me… ‘Only people you love can really hurt you.’
‘Loving someone isn’t easy. Everyone comes with their own set of problems, it’s just a case of finding some middle ground and hoping it all works out in the end. I always find that sharing a problem helps, even if it’s only to stop me bottling things up.’
Valerie looks at me, scanning my face.
‘There’s so much wisdom in your words, Immi. But I don’t deserve any sympathy over this; it isn’t about me, or my feelings.’
There’s a bench up ahead of us, set back in a nook on the side of the towpath, and, although the late afternoon chill is a little bracing, I incline my head towards it. Valerie gives a nod and we make our way over, sinking down and settling back to stare out over the water.
‘This is about my son,’ she begins. ‘It’s been a few years since we’ve spoken. And now an old friend has phoned to say she bumped into him in Dartmouth and that it wasn’t an accident. He asked her if I was still living in Aysbury.’
I fleetingly wonder what the connection with Dartmouth is, but I don’t feel I can ask.
‘It could mean he’s ready to get back in touch. That’s good news, isn’t it?’
Her mood is sombre, so I doubt it’s a simple case of making up and putting the past behind them.
‘My family were originally from here, but my parents ended up running a little tea shop in Dartmouth Harbour and I lived there for a while. You are very kind to listen to my woes, Immi. I only ever wanted the best for Liam, but I seem incapable of getting it right.’
It’s sad to see how distressed she is about this.
‘I’m sure you’re being too hard on yourself, Valerie. I often made my dad despair at some of the things I said and did, but none of it was his fault. It was simply a part of growing up. Kids instinctively want to push the boundaries and challenge the rules. They tend to take their frustrations out on those around them, too.’
My words as least seem to make her stop and think for a moment.
‘He sees life in a very simplistic way. Right or wrong, black or white – but it never is as cut and dried as that, is it? People make mistakes all the time and end up having to live with the consequences. Following the divorce, in trying to shield him from the harsher things in life, I stifled him. I see that now. At the age of fifteen he grew restless. Jeffery was running a restaurant in Portugal at the time and Liam made contact with him. I had no choice but to let him go. That’s when I moved here. Like his father, the travelling bug was in his blood. I knew that as soon as he was old enough he’d be off on his own adventures And I was right, he constantly moves around from place to place as his funds allow.’
Divorces are never easy. I fleetingly wonder whether Mr Price was Valerie’s first and only love. It’s natural that she should cling onto her son in that sort of situation. I had my suspicions that Valerie and Rona might have a lot in common, but that wasn’t quite what I was expecting.
‘Perhaps it’s time for him to come home,’ I reply.
She shakes her head sadly.
‘I doubt it. And I doubt he will ever forgive me. When my father suffered a massive heart attack and died, six years ago, it was a shock to us all. Liam and I lived with my parents for nearly two years after the divorce, so he was very close to them. Liam took it particularly hard as he couldn’t make it back in time for the funeral.
‘Less than six months later,
my mother caught pneumonia. I packed a case and after she was discharged from hospital, I stayed with her while she recuperated. She was getting better and Liam rang every day to talk to her. And then she had a funny turn and was readmitted. I was so sure it would be all right that I told him not to worry, that they would sort her out. We were laughing as I kissed her cheek before I left that night. In the early hours of the morning I received the call – she was gone, just like that. Liam blamed me for not making it clear how ill she was.’
‘Some bonds are very special, and I can imagine how awful he felt. But it wasn’t anyone’s fault, Valerie. Who can predict something like that?’
‘It broke my heart when I rang to break the news. He simply couldn’t take it in at first. It was too much grief, so soon after losing his granddad, and he couldn’t cope with it. Liam managed to get a flight home for the funeral in Dartmouth, but he was angry and when he left, he just went – he didn’t say goodbye.’
‘Coping with the loss of loved ones is a very personal journey for each of us, Valerie. Some manage that better than others. My life would have been very different if it hadn’t been for Tollie and Grandma – they were like parents to me. It’s a blessing, but when they’re gone it leaves yet another gaping hole in your life that can never be filled.’ I’m speaking from the heart and trying not to feel overwhelmed by the sadness welling up within me. Old feelings, old hurts, old regrets.
‘It made me realise that I’d spent most of my life running away from my own emotional turmoil,’ Valerie confides in me. ‘Grief can do that to you, and it’s only recently I faced up to the fact that I’d turned myself into a bit of a recluse.’
This rather proud, introverted lady my grandma Nell befriended must have mourned the loss of her friend. If Grandma was the only person she was able to really talk to, it would have been yet another blow. Agreeing to become Tollie’s housekeeper would have been a comfort to them both after Grandma died, I should imagine.
‘You’re so well regarded here, Valerie. Everyone admires the way you get things done and you are an important part of our community. But people—’ I pause, casting around for the right words. ‘People see you as a very private person and they hesitate, only because they don’t want to cause offence.’
A little smile tweaks at the sides of her mouth.
‘Being aloof is something I learnt from my mother and it has its advantages. But this last week has shown me that it’s easier than I thought to stop hiding. I didn’t really know Jack at all but working with him he made me so welcome, and he’s funny, and kind. I saw the way everyone responded when we were sitting around the table having tea together, yesterday. But, Immi, it’s more than I deserve after the mess I’ve made of things.’
I raise my eyebrows. ‘We all make mistakes. Look at the upset I caused when I first moved in with Tollie and everyone forgave me for being self-centred and downright thoughtless at times. All you need to do is to join in the fun. It doesn’t always have to be about giving something of yourself,’ I impress upon her. ‘And if you need someone to walk you back on an evening, whenever Gray’s here he told me to tell you he’s more than happy to escort you back to the complex. If not, Tollie is your man. But I think Jack might beat them both to it!’
The twitch turns into a satisfied little smile.
‘You think?’
My enthusiastic nod leaves her in no doubt at all. ‘I do.’
I really need to make it a priority to grab a few minutes alone with Fisher and get things sorted. Something tells me that handing in my notice isn’t going to be a problem at all, as this could just be the start of something truly wonderful.
14
An Uneasy Acceptance
‘Any news on the work front?’
It’s nine o’clock and I can’t hold off any longer. Even though I was rushed off my feet at the nurseries today, I can’t possibly climb into bed until I’ve spoken to Gray.
‘None. Nada. Not even from the other leads I’ve been pursuing. Every single friend I have, who has a contact in the business, has been asking around on my behalf. Phil, Reece and Dharma came up with a couple of names, but Nathan and Kerrin both said the same thing. It’s going to be mid-January now before I’m likely to hear back, as everyone is gearing up for the long Christmas and New Year shutdown. No one is thinking about new projects, they’re too busy clearing their desks.’
He sounds maudlin.
‘You’ve done all you can, Gray. It’s brilliant they’re all looking out for you and you’re obviously missed.’
‘I keep promising to take you up to London for a long weekend to meet everyone. We’re such a diverse group, but they are all London-based. Since I moved back in with Mum, it’s been difficult only heading back up when I’m involved with one of the joint projects. I miss the socialising and the jobs that materialise over a pint in the pub after a session in the studio. I feel I’m becoming invisible.’
‘I know, but now your mum is on the mend you’ll get up there more often and the work will start coming in again.’
Gray doesn’t need to be dwelling on this right now and I decide to change the subject.
‘I had a lovely chat with Valerie after you left yesterday. And on my way back from the nurseries today, I met up with Fisher. We went for a quick drink in The Bullrush. I broke the news about Martin needing help and Fisher accused me of matchmaking.’
Gray bursts out laughing, which is good to hear.
‘Well, you are. How did he take it?’
‘Fisher is smitten, but then I think we could all see that at the weekend. He also realises that, not only would this be a promotion for me, but it will take a huge worry and weight off Martin’s shoulders. And it means more money in the pot for us to sort out the cottage, so it doesn’t matter so much if your work is quiet for a while. We’ll manage between us, Gray, and that’s the whole point about being a couple – we share everything.’
The silence when I stop speaking is heavy. Gray is never this quiet when we’re on a call. He’s always fiddling, humming, or tapping with his fingers, but tonight he’s preoccupied.
‘That’s a plus, then,’ he replies after a few awkward seconds have elapsed. ‘And I know you love working at the nurseries. It indulges that creative streak of yours, as well as the need to organise everything and everyone.’
He says it in jest, but there’s a hint of truth in his words. I do like organising everyone and we both know that.
‘Well, I think it’s a perfect solution all round, but it’s been a tiring day.’
He clears his throat and I strain my ears, as when he starts speaking again his voice sounds distant. Something is wrong – that’s very clear. What I wish more than anything, is to be there with him to be able to offer the comfort he obviously needs.
‘I did as you told me. I listened, but heck, Immi – that man has some cheek. I don’t want his money. I don’t want anything from him.’
Ah, now I understand. Gray doesn’t sound angry, he simply sounds adamant that he’s not going to play along.
‘That’s understandable, Gray, given the situation. But think of it like this: you are his flesh and blood. It’s no different from Tollie wanting us to swap with him and take over the cottage as if we’re already the owners. I guess there comes a point when we all want to tie up the loose ends. My dad wasn’t able to do that, and we had no idea what his wishes were. It isn’t just about money, or possessions, but making sure we don’t cause a dilemma for the people we leave behind. Well, that’s what Tollie said to me, only last week.’
There’s a rather reluctant ‘hmm’ down the line.
‘Point taken. But I was hoping we could all be together in Aysbury to see in the new year. I don’t want to be thousands of miles away from you, Immi.’
‘Aww… Gray, me neither. But we have the rest of our lives to celebrate each new year together. Get this sorted for Rona’s sake, even if it doesn’t hold any meaning for you.’
I’m holding my breath.
How honest was Rona about the situation? I wonder. Once again, the seconds roll by; I should say goodnight now and leave him in peace.
‘They’re still married,’ he blurts out, sounding indignant.
Rona is a strong woman, but I know how hard that must have been for her to admit. It’s such a relief, though, as it wasn’t my place to share that information with him.
‘It’s only paperwork, Gray. When people are on two different continents it can be a long-winded and costly thing to sort out. If neither party remarries, then it must be easy to let it slide.’
Another, distinctly jaded ‘hmm’ travels down the line.
‘I’m going to have to man-up, I suppose, and pretend I give a damn. Which I don’t. I’m doing it for her, and not him. But only if you are in agreement; I mean, we’re celebrating our engagement on Christmas Day – the man has no sense of timing.’
‘Does he even know?’ I point out.
‘I don’t suppose he does, and it’s none of his business, anyway.’
‘You would do anything for your mum, and rightly so – she managed single-handedly to raise one very caring, responsible and kind-hearted man. And that’s what I love so much about you, Gray. Get this done and we can get back to planning our wedding.’
Suddenly, he’s humming again and it’s Mendelssohn’s wedding march.
‘Sleep well, my lovely Immi. I’ll call you tomorrow.’
Lying back, I close my eyes, grateful to Rona for the gutsy and stoic man she raised. The loose ends are about to be tied up and while Gray’s away my mission is to focus on Valerie and Fisher. Two people I really admire, who deserve to find happiness, too.
There’s a tap on the door and I pop the phone down on the coffee table as I shout out, ‘Come in.’
Tollie appears in the doorway and I jump up, walking across to greet him with a kiss on the cheek. It’s unusual for him not to just burst through the door and it’s evident that he has something on his mind.
